Chapter Eleven #2
Neither of them seems to care very much about O’Malley being gone.
It’s all about Dash. And no , neither of them was very close with O’Malley, and yes , he was a scumbag of a human.
But the way I see it, that’s irrelevant.
We’re all scumbags in one way or another, and O’Malley, hate him or not, was our friend .
For a whole fuck of a lot longer than Dash was.
But they just don’t care, and it’s fucking bothering me more than I’m sure it should. As is the way they’ve been hanging on each other more excessively than usual.
It’s not a sudden shift. No fucking way.
This has been building for a while… Which is why I can’t be too surprised by it.
I always knew they’d migrate back to one another.
It doesn’t matter if Luthor claims they were never actually together , and if Ren is physically incapable of being faithful.
They’re two of the worst gluttons for punishment I’ve ever met. And I suppose I’m just as bad…
Because here I always am, right beside them. Still allowing them to drag me along for the toxic, codependent ride, because they’re all I have…
Lying awake, I’m staring up at the mattress of the empty top bunk.
Wishing for noise again, but getting nothing but quiet.
No screaming nightmares from above my head, no rampant fucking from up the row.
It’s infinitely less loud than it was only a couple of weeks ago, and you’d think that would be a good thing. But instead, it just feels… unsettling.
Like the calm before the storm.
Fingers trailing below my navel, I slip them into my pants to palm my cock. Might as well… Maybe a quick O will help turn off my brain and get me some shut-eye.
It’s not hard—not yet—but one touch and it slowly starts to fill. It’s been weeks since I last got off. With Luthor and Ren… That stupid fucking threesome we had that brought them closer and pushed me further away.
Good. I don’t need any of that shit.
I’m not like them. I don’t need a relationship to validate my existence. I’m better off on my own, just like I always knew I would be.
I’m not gay. And Luthor and Ren can get fucking prison married for all I care.
It doesn’t bother me. I’m fine.
Fisting my dick, I tug it slowly, closing my eyes to let some salacious memories fuel me.
A mouth is just a mouth… A hole is just a hole.
They can feel good and not mean a goddamn thing.
“I’m not… into dudes… ” I remember the gravelly words leaving my lips.
“So just pretend,” the smooth voice rumbled as he pressed his wet flesh against mine in the showers. “That’s what I’ll be doing.”
He dropped to his knees quickly, and before I could protest any further, he was stroking my cock in front of his face. Giving in to temptation almost effortlessly, I’d grabbed a fistful of wet hair, yanking until his blue eyes shined up at me.
There he is…
“W-who will you be… imagining?” I stammered to Ren the first time he sucked my dick.
He ran his hands up my thighs, and I shivered. “You’re gonna be Lex for me, okay?”
“Whatever…” I sighed as he took my cock into his warm, wicked mouth.
And you’ll be… Michelangelo.
It’s been weeks since the last time Ren used me as a proxy . Maybe months?
Since Dash’s first day here. Damn…
Shaking it off, I close my eyes and go back to fondling myself.
Whatever. I should be happy Ren isn’t using me for his immature shit anymore. But my mind won’t stop circling back to it, like an annoying song stuck in my head.
Maybe that threesome did exactly what it was supposed to do…
Maybe it got them back together.
My stomach feels like it’s full of lead all of a sudden, and I don’t know why. Curling into a ball, I absentmindedly tease my cock with my fingers while my chest aches from the inside.
I love being alone… I swear I do.
I don’t want someone else doing this for me… I’m not desperately craving someone of my own to fawn over. Someone to watch me obsessively the way Ren does Luthor. To touch me and smile at me and whisper things in my ear.
Who fucking needs it?? Not me.
I’m fine on my own because love is for suckers.
But inside the jumbled static of my thoughts, I know why I’m harping on it… Because I lost my proxy.
My Michelangelo stand-in.
The next morning, I’m exhausted and irritable.
The lack of sleep has been draining me. Not to mention, all of the guards are on a short fuse because of the lockdown.
They’re not partying or getting laid twenty-four-seven anymore, so to say they’re on edge would be an understatement bigger than their collective swollen blue-balls.
In the cafeteria, I slouch next to Luthor, struggling not to fall asleep in my eggs. I mumble something to him and Ren, but when neither of them answers or even acknowledges me, I glance up.
They seem oblivious to my presence. Too busy making serious googly eyes at each other to even notice anyone else at the table.
Their whispering back and forth wrings out my stomach like a sponge.
My eyes fall to their joined hands on top of the table, teasing and toying.
I swallow a rough gulp like a mouthful of sand.
It’s not just Ren fucking around and Luthor pulling away… This is different. They’re … different.
They’re acting like a fucking couple . A real one.
Holy fuck, they had sex.
A weird chill brushes over my whole body, like that first tickle of nausea before you throw up. I don’t know why, but I just have the grossest feeling rolling around in my gut, like raw meat in a tumble dryer.
Is this really happening?
Are they really…?
Before I can comment on what I’m piecing together, Joy stomps over to the table and grabs Luthor. Ren and I watch uneasily as she drags him to the other side of the caf, until they’re nestled up in the corner, just out of view.
“What the crap?” Ren grunts, worry overwhelming his face and tone. He cranes his neck to get a better look. “What the hell was tha—”
“Did you and Luthor fuck?” I snap. Abandoning all attempts at burying this under my own neuroses.
Ren glances at me, lashes fluttering. “Um… No?”
“Are you asking me or answering me?” My gaze narrows.
“Um… both? No, neither.” He falters, then exhales swiftly. “Fuck, I don’t know what to say here… I don’t want to upset him. You know he’s all shy and shit.”
His lips slope into a dopey, love-struck grin that he tries biting off while my shoulders drop.
“Holy… fuck,” I breathe, like a deflating balloon. “You did. You two finally… had sex.”
My mind feels as blank as my face.
Meanwhile, Ren’s smile is brighter than the Aurora fucking Borealis as he leans in. “Just don’t tell him I told you or anything. I’m sure he’s trying to downplay it to make himself feel better.”
I swallow even rougher, nodding. Just nodding, over and over. I can’t stop. Totally on autopilot right now.
Great. This is… great.
I’m so… happy… for them.
“He’s gonna want to keep it casual.” Ren sighs, still beaming. Practically floating away. And I’m weighted to my seat. “For now. But he’ll get there. I’m confident.”
“That’s…” I have to stop to clear my throat, because my voice is jagged as fuck. “Great. Good for you guys, I guess.”
Ren does one of his dopey puppy-dog looks. “You don’t sound happy.”
I bite the inside of my cheek and shrug. “I don’t care that you and Luthor are banging… Do whatever you want. Just don’t come crying to me when shit falls apart again. Or expect me to pick up the pieces. Again .”
“Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence.” Ren rolls his eyes. “Look, I’m really trying this time, okay? I don’t want to screw this up—”
“ Again… ” I say the word for a third time, sounding very salty. Extra sodium.
“ Because I know this is my last shot.” He shoots me a serious look to counter my obvious skepticism and blatant inability to be supportive.
Now it’s my turn to roll my eyes and gag a response. “Whatever, Ren. I’m happy for you guys because you’re my best friends. But after a certain point, it’s like… I don’t know, I’ll believe it when I see it.”
Ren is gaping at me, but I can’t look at him anymore. My stomach is bunched, and I’ve completely lost my appetite. I just want to go lie down.
I’m so fucking tired. This one stupid conversation feels like it took years off my life.
Why do I feel like this?
What’s wrong with me??
Luthor comes wandering back to the table, slumping down next to me with an aggrieved breath.
“What was all that about?” Ren asks, immediately scooping Luthor’s hand back up in his.
I can’t stop staring at their tangling fingers while Luthor straightens.
“I just spoke to Dash on the phone. He’s… alive.”
It’s not often that I allow myself to miss things from the outside. That’s a habit that’ll most definitely drive you nuts in here.
I don’t like to wonder what’s happening outside these walls. What my parents are doing, how many kids my sister must have, what the big movies and TV shows everyone’s loving must be…
Has technology changed drastically? Are the robots uprising yet? Did the Jets finally give up?
Too much uncertainty. I’m better off living in quiet denial, pretending that nothing outside matters or even exists. As far as I’m concerned, this stupid fucking island is the entire world.
Fuck me, that’s depressing.
I don’t even like to let nostalgia seep in, because we all know that’s a slippery slope.
But we also know I’m not as good at simply forgetting things as I like to pretend I am.
My memories are all I have left. Literally.
I have to rely on the past, because the state of my present is growing increasingly bleak.
Luthor and Ren are a couple now—as much as Luthor will allow, anyway. Which basically means they spend every waking minute making me want to barf with their incessant cuteness, but Luthor still refuses to call Ren his boyfriend . He’s probably just doing it to get a rise out of Ren.
That’s what I would do.