Chapter Twenty-One
“Tell Me Lies.”
I ’d been in prison a few months the first time it happened. When Ren came to me with his plan.
He called it a proxy job. Something he’d apparently thought up after taking one of many rides on Velle’s dick.
“Come on, Byron,” he crooned, that pesky finger gliding lower, where my happy trail disappeared into my baggy jumpsuit pants. “You wanna get off, don’t you?”
Well… yea was my knee-jerk reaction. But I couldn’t say that. I couldn’t admit that I was such an easy sell… It didn’t fit the image I’d been showing these people—the Byron from before, pre-Michelangelo .
I so badly wanted to be him again. He’d never had his heart ripped out of his chest mid-pump…
But I fought it, because fighting was less scary. “Yea, but I’m not—”
“Save it.” Ren fought back. He was a better fighter than even me. “We’ve been flirting since you got here…”
“We have??” My brows jumped.
He nodded, stuffing his hand into my pants. I gasped as his fingers grazed my rapidly firming flesh. I could’ve sworn it was flaccid, but the second his hand was in there, my dick turned to goddamn granite.
It was bad, all of it. Because I knew right from the start that hooking up with Ren would never be as simple for me as it was for him.
After all, Luthor had become my best friend—the kind of friend I always wanted, but was too much of a loner to have.
He was a shining beacon of trust and hope in this dreary hellhole we call Alabaster Pen.
I couldn’t possibly betray him by secretly and weirdly lusting after his sort of ex.
Ren grinned, deviously victorious at how clearly my body was betraying my words. “See? No reason to fight it. This dick needs some love… Doesn’t it?”
Unfortunately, the haze in my brain was dizzying, temptation clouding my judgements, as it does. I could barely remember any of the reasons I’d been opposed to this before he started stroking my cock. They’d all evaporated. Except for one…
“Luthor… is my… f-friend,” I grumbled, eyes closing, head tipping back while his tight fist worked up and down, his wicked mouth on my throat.
“Yes, he is.” He licked my Adam’s apple.
“I don’t wanna… hurt him,” I gulped when his left hand crept in to play with my balls.
“You’re such a good friend,” he purred.
The next thing I knew, we were kissing. I’ll admit, this part is a bit foggy.
The memories are like a strobe light, flashes illuminating what happened in the dark.
I remember the sensations, the intoxication of being with a guy again, in secret…
The thing I’d thought was bad, but felt so fucking good.
In minutes, Ren was on his knees, with my dick in his throat and his dark hair in my fist. I can still hear the panting and groaning and slippery wet suction, but I can’t be certain it was all from that time. Because it happened many more times after that.
Not every day, not even every week. But frequently enough for me to warm up to it.
For me to look forward to it… To rely on it.
As fucked up as I knew it was, I’d begun to crave it—the insatiable hunger for a new sexy spoiled brat with dark hair and topaz eyes, who wanted to be roughed up.
Opening himself for me to fill, because he needed it.
Because, as we know, so did I.
Despite him being an obsessive, psychotic, murderous pyro, Ren had qualities that weren’t all bad, and those were the reasons why being around him hurt sometimes.
Because the good in him reminded me of Michelangelo, and I was still so desperate to have it; the life I’d been right on the cusp of before Governor Russo cut the string I was holding, and it flew away.
I fucked Ren consistently, but it was always on his terms. He came to me , because he wasn’t Michelangelo, and he wasn’t mine. That was the only way I could justify it.
Luthor knew, and it wasn’t my fault. I had an excuse, and that excuse was that Ren was using me. If they knew I was using him too, that might have changed things.
The problem was that Ren was much better at it than I was.
He was a pro when it came to casual sex.
It was his job , after all. Acting… Lying .
He’s a superior liar, which in turn, made him a superior actor—again, similar to Michelangelo, yet wildly different.
And as our salacious rendezvous continued, my body got…
confused. Thus confusing my mind a little, too.
He would say things when we were fucking that really started to encourage my own proxy…
“God, you feel so good. Your dick is the only one I want, you know that, right? Fuck my little hole, baby. It’s yours. All fucking yours. You own me… Fuck, own me harder. Harder harder harder, right there right there, yes yes yes, I belong to you. This cum is yours… I’m coming for… only… you.”
I feel stupid. For falling so easily under such an obvious spell. But what can I say? He really is that good.
Once, Ren ended up in the East Wing for weeks. I was relieved, honestly, because I needed some space. It would be a good thing… Some distance to get my bearings and reacquaint myself with reality. But like any addict, it was easier said than done.
I was jonesing, while trying desperately to stuff it all down and go about my prison life, forgetting the deliciously feral sex with the hot, beautifully deceptive dark-haired creature of temptation.
But then he came back. And my excitement, while hidden from my friends, felt… excessive .
We were in the showers when Velle came clomping into the room, hustling along an exhausted and jittery Warren Xavier.
I remember how my heart jumped. It leapt right up into my esophagus, and like a reflex, I glanced right.
At Luthor. Maybe to see if he was having a similar hopelessly overjoyed reaction, or to make sure he hadn’t noticed that I was having one.
Of course, he was. He always gets this flash of relief and yearning when Ren shows up, but he makes sure to disguise it fast. Especially back then, when he was still in pain from the heartbreak Ren had caused him and using anger to disguise it.
My emotions made me feel like such a scumbag, I couldn’t look at either of them. I focused on my showering, eyes stuck on the crack in the floor by the drain while I struggled to ignore the sounds of Ren’s chains being removed.
“Ren… are you alright?” Luthor’s voice came from my side, and I cringed.
“No…” Ren mumbled, his tone slipping into my ear and wrapping around my brain. “I’m not okay. I’ve never been okay… Never, not once.”
At those oddly honest words, spoken in such an even, if lethargic tone, I couldn’t help myself. I peeked at him.
He looked distraught, mentally and physically torn to shreds, most likely from whatever they’d been doing to him in the East. But still, something about him was off, more than the physical.
It was as if his usual confidence was gone.
The bravado he uses to bury his insecurities wasn’t there.
I could tell just from looking at him, and hearing him, that something was wrong.
For the first time since I’d met him, he was vulnerable, his truth exposed, and it wasn’t pretty.
“Jesus… what did they do to you down there?” Luthor’s eyes glistened, the affection he gave his friends turned up extra high for Ren.
“Lex…” Ren gasped, reaching for Luthor’s face. “I love you. You know that, right?? I need you to know, now , while I’m still telling the truth…”
“ What? ” Luthor dipped away from his touch. “What the hell, Ren?? What are you doing…”
“I’m sorry, baby,” Ren whimpered, reaching again. “I’m so sorry for what I did to you…”
“Ren, stop,” Luthor barked quietly, face flushed, though his green eyes were hardened in frustration of the overwhelming emotions he clearly didn’t want to give Ren the satisfaction of feeling.
“I’m serious,” Ren said on a heavy breath. He almost seemed fucked up… Like he was on something. “You’re the only one—”
“Dude, I can’t,” Luthor grunted, turning his shower off and grabbing a towel. He whipped his face in my direction and shot me a pleading look, as if he wanted me to say or do something.
I blinked. “Ren, just… stop talking.”
“I can’t!” He flopped against the wall. “I can’t hold it in. The drugs… They won’t let me.”
“What’s his deal?” Landon stepped over, wrapping a towel around his waist.
“I think they gave him sodium pentothal.” Luthor rubbed his eyes.
“Ding ding ding! We have a winner!” Ren croaked, shoving his pants down. “You’re so damn smart, baby. I don’t deserve you. But I want you—No, I need you. See?? It’s true!”
“God, this is gonna get bad,” I mumbled, chewing the inside of my cheek.
“What’s… sodium… pent-a-something?” Landon asked.
Love the kid, but he was kinda ditzy.
“ Sodium pentothal , airhead Barbie,” Ren snickered. “The truth serum.”
“I gotta get out of here,” Luthor sighed, dressing hastily.
“Don’t put clothes on…” Ren whined, launching himself at Luthor.
Luthor ducked away from him, and I stepped in between them, grabbing Ren by the waist. “Okay, bro… That’s enough. Just take your damn shower and shut up before you really incriminate yourself.”
“Parker’s dead,” he sniffed.
At that, we all froze. Gaping at our friend, the unbridled sociopath, our collective mood fell in an instant. From slightly amusing to full-on despair with those two words.
“Why…” Landon whimpered.
“Why the fuck would you say that?!” Luthor hissed, dropping a supportive hand on Landon’s shoulder.
Parker was still a sore subject, after all. Ren’s cellmate, a guy we considered like a brother to us, especially Luthor and Ren, had contracted life-threatening pneumonia a few months back, and had to be air-lifted to a hospital. That was the story, anyway.
I think we all knew, deep down, that he was most likely dead. But none of us were ready to admit it out loud yet.
Knowing and accepting are two different things.
“Because it’s… true,” Ren croaked, face contorted in obvious hurt. “I couldn’t save him… I tried , I swear to God, I did!” He squeezed my shoulders, locking his sad blue eyes on mine. “You believe me, don’t you?”
I didn’t know what to do or say. So I just nodded.
“Fuck this,” Luthor growled. “I’m out. Come on.” He grabbed Landon, guiding him out of the showers, casting me a look on his way. “Stay with him. Please.”
My lips parted to protest, but they were already gone. I tried to swallow it down and focus , but my stomach was tumbling with unease.
Because Ren was back, and now, we were alone. Naked and alone, his hard body draped on mine.
“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry….” He cried softly into my neck. His flesh was cool and mine was scorching, and when he pressed into me, I broke out in chills.
“Ren… stop apologizing,” I muttered, voice gravelly.
I’d never been given the truth serum before— thank God —so I didn’t understand what Ren was feeling. But he seemed like he could barely hold himself together.
His lies made up most of his anatomy, and without them, he was too weak to stay upright.
Collapsing into me, his soft lips brushed my wet skin, fingertips dancing across my shoulders.
“What are you… doing?” I shivered when his hips moved, his dick brushing mine.
“Fuck me,” he pleaded.
The shift from misery to ravenous desire was quick.
One moment, he was crying, and the next, he was begging.
Squirming against me, shivering and unfathomably hard.
I wanted to resist, I really did. I didn’t want to do this…
I needed to fight it, because giving in to him was tearing me apart, I knew it was.
But I couldn’t stop the way my body was reacting.
The way my heart was reaching, just as needy as he was.
Ren’s cheek brushed mine as the control slipped from my grasp. His lips hovered over mine, our breaths mingling as our eyes met. Pupils blown out from both sides.
Grabbing his thighs, I hoisted him up, his legs instantly wrapping around my waist while I growled and pinned him to the wall. I pumped conditioner into my shaky hand, slathering it on him and me as his head tipped back, the mound of his throat dipping.
“Give my body what it needs,” he panted.
“What does your body need…?” I drawled, lost in the haze of hidden desire with my dick in my fist, aimed between his cheeks.
“Dick,” he groaned, relaxed enough that I was able to push in right away. “ Fuuuck , I need dick in me.”
“You love it, don’t you?” I watched, transfixed , as my inches disappeared inside him.
“No…” he mewled.
My eyes sprung to his.
“I don’t. Not really.” He bit his lip, the pleasure on his face betraying his words. “ Harder , baby…”
“But… I…” My thrusts slowed to a stop, taken aback by what he was saying.
Why would he…?
“Keep going,” Ren begged. Apprehensively, I began to move again. “It feels good…”
“It does…?” I couldn’t help the insecurities clawing from inside my chest.
He nodded fast, subduing my panic enough for my hips to pick up the pace. Until he moaned, “Even if I don’t want it to…”
“Ren… Jesus .” I stopped again.
But this time, he grabbed my face, forcing me to look at him.
“It’s fine. It’s good…” he breathed over my lips. “This isn’t real, remember?”
The sincerity in his eyes split me down the middle. It felt like my heart was literally being hacked in half with a meat cleaver.
“It’s… not…?” I shivered, and he shook his head.
“You don’t want me… right?” He wiggled his hips to work the friction his body wanted, but that he didn’t, apparently.
My trembling lips hung agape for way too long. It felt like hours of gawking at him in pain before I was finally able to mutter, “No…”
It should’ve been the truth… But it felt like a big, fat lie.
“Mmm good,” he moaned. “And I only want you when I’m pretending you’re Lex. It’s not bad, B… It’s good . Being honest… feels… good.”
The ache had spread well past my chest. It was all over, pulsing like a fresh cut. My hips were moving because they had to. I was on autopilot, fucking him because it did feel good, the insanely tight hold his body had on mine.
But the other one… The one he had on me inside was agonizing. It was awful. It hurt so badly in that moment, I could barely keep myself from breaking down.
Tucking my face into his neck, I hid my truth while I fucked him, harder and harder .
“Fuck yes… Lex ,” he sighed. “I only want you , Lex… I want you back.”
A sob tried to escape my throat, but I swallowed it down. Kissing and biting his neck to distract from my sorrow, the spray of water absorbed my tears.
“Baby, I love the way you fuck me…”
Not me.
Never me.
It’ll never be me.
“I… I love… fucking you,” I sputtered, my voice a wallowing hurt.
He was my proxy, too. I knew he was… But as I fucked him and wept, I was tormented by the way it had become a lie.
“I’m yours,” Ren breathed, coming alive in his honesty.
The truth brought Warren Xavier to life.
But I was dead inside.