Chapter Thirty-Four
P acing. Making circles, around and around, and around…
Yanking my hair in my fists.
“What’s the problem?”
I’m twitchy. Edgy.
Unhinged.
“Honestly… I thought this was what you’ve been wanting for bloody months.” I peer at him. “And now that you’ve got it, you’re not happy??” Leo shakes his head. “There really is no pleasing you, is there, mate?”
“That’s not the point,” I hiss at him, rubbing my eyes hard until I see spots. Until he’s blurry … Like he’s not really there, and his voice is coming from inside me .
It is. You know it is.
I’ve always been you, Trevel.
“Just shut up and let me think, goddamnit!” I bark, whipping my face in his direction.
Except that Leo is gone. And now, Byron is standing there, right where my decrepit ninja bear had been. Eyes wide, etched in confusion and concern.
“Are you… alright?” he croaks, tone careful. Cautious.
Keep back. Your crazy sort-of boyfriend’s gone completely mad.
Squeezing my eyes shut tight, I take a breath, attempting to compose myself. “No… yes . I mean, I’m fine , but I just—”
“Trevel, what’s going on?” he grunts, wearing every moment of distress from the past few weeks on his face. “You seem like there’s something you’re not telling me…” He steps closer. “Something you want to tell me… But maybe you’re afraid.”
I bite my lip, staring at him. The emotion in my own eyes is palpable. I can see it, being mirrored back at me in his.
I want to confide in him, I swear I do.
There’s so much I need to say. So much he needs me to say.
But will it be… too much? Will he stay once he knows how truly fucked the bloody hell up I am?? I just don’t see how…
We’re running on fumes as it is.
“Come with me,” I sigh, walking past him.
I’m not sure that he’s following me at first. But after a beat, I can feel him.
I bring him downstairs, all the while mulling over the events of the last week or so, since Manuel Blanco put me in charge of Dr. Love’s fate.
Let’s not pretend he wouldn’t have had his doctors doing whatever they wanted to Lemuel, regardless of my involvement.
I think we all know how The Ivory operates by now.
But bestowing upon me this gift of revenge…
It has felt every bit as loaded as I’m sure it was intended.
“Where are we going?” Byron asks nervously when I bring him to the stairs. The ones that go down .
I don’t answer him. I just keep moving, taking the stone steps down into the depths of darkness.
The mansion’s basement— at least this part of it —is reminiscent of Alabaster Penitentiary, in that it’s cold, and it smells like concrete and musty ocean. And it’s currently housing prisoners.
Dim light guides us into the dungeon—or as Manuel Blanco refers to it, the tombs —and I spot him right away. My chest constricts, and my teeth set.
“What the…” Byron gasps, shock and horror swallowing his gruff words.
“Yea.” I stop and just stare.
Lemuel Love is slumped on the floor, his hands cuffed behind his back and his ankle shackled to a post. He’s wearing the same clothes he’s been wearing since the night I plucked him out of his fancy bedroom upstairs, where he was existing in a bubble of blissful ignorance and overconfidence with his sweet little psycho boyfriend.
“Fiancé,” Leo’s voice echoes behind me, and I cringe.
Those fancy tailored fabrics are all worn and dirty now, stained with blood. His eyes are closed, as if maybe he’s asleep, or at least attempting it. But there’s visible strain around them, marks on his exposed skin that tell the tale of what’s been happening down here.
“The doctors have been doing things to him.” I bite the inside of my cheek. “ I have…”
I feel Byron gaping at me, so I allow my eyes to meet his. The look he’s giving me only confirms all of my hidden doubts, and I don’t like it.
“Trevel, this is…” His voice trails, and he shakes his head, glancing at Dr. Love. “Why…?”
“Why?” I chuckle derisively. “ Why?? Are you serious?? You know why, Byron…”
“I know, but this… Trevel, this is sick.” He steps over to Dr. Love, whose eyes slowly creep open. There’s instant rage in his amber glare, masking visible exhaustion, and some fear.
“This is what you wanted,” the voice inside tells me. “ Revenge . At any cost.”
“He deserves it,” I sniff, choking back every foolish morsel of remorse, because fuck it, right?
I deserve this.
This is mine .
“Does he, though??” Byron snaps, and I squint at him. “I mean, come on , Trevel. Wake up! We all know The Ivory would’ve gotten you here with or without him, so what’s the fucking point??”
“It’s the dungeon.” I shrug. “And now he’s the prisoner…”
“If you think you’re not prisoners, you’re in for a world of hurt…” Lemuel rasps, eyes closing again. He rests his head against the wall as if he’s too tired to hold it up.
Byron gestures with his hand, in a sort of See? Told you motion of agreement with Dr. Love’s statement.
“You shut the fuck up,” I growl at Lemuel. “You brought this on yourself, you know you did.”
“Keep telling yourself that,” he breathes out.
“This is insane,” Byron grumbles. And now he’s pacing. “I didn’t want any of this, you know that?? I only went along with that bullshit plan for you!”
“Right!” I bark at him. “You did ! Because you agreed with me… You wanted revenge on Felix Darcey as much as I wanted it on this wanker.”
“Okay, fine . You’re right. Is that what you want me to say?
?” He gets up in my face. “At first, I wanted to make Darcey pay for what he did… But can’t you see by now that it’s pointless?
? Vengeance doesn’t solve anything, Trevel!
It doesn’t change the past, and it sure as shit won’t make you feel any better about the future!
” His chest is heaving, and I’m just staring at him blankly.
Refusing to admit that I feel his words. “When does it end…?”
“It ends when they stop breathing!” I hiss at him. “You have no idea the kinds of things I’ve had to endure… The kinds of things I’ve had to live with because of other people, so don’t tell me revenge is pointless! It’s all I have, Byron.”
His fury melts into sorrow so fast that I witness it. The anger in his gaze softening, slipping into vast, shining sadness.
“You’re right.” His shoulders slump. “I don’t know what you’ve been through… Because I don’t have a damn clue who you are.”
His brown eyes glisten, and they fall to hide the emotion. That one look slices me open.
It stabs me, poisons me, chokes me…
It kills me the way I’ve done to others. Revenge.
Reaching for him, I mumble, “Baby, I didn’t mean—”
“You’re right, Trevel.” He pulls away. “Revenge is all you have left…” He sniffles, refusing to look at me. Then he grunts, “This is done.” His voice is shaking, though he’s fighting to disguise it. Putting up a wall between us. My heart is bleeding out in my chest. “Whatever we were… It’s over.”
And then he walks out.
Turns and storms away from me. He fucking leaves me, in the tombs with my vengeance. And nothing more.
Emotion pounds in my skull, so hard I can barely see. My vision is blurring, tears welling in my eyes.
I look around for Leo… But he’s not fucking there.
“You’re your own worst enemy, Trevel,” Dr. Love says.
Like dropping a match into a pool of kerosene, I ignite in blazing wrath.
Storming over, I launch myself at him. Shoving him onto his back, my hands are immediately around his throat.
“You think I don’t know that?!” I roar in his face. “This is all your fault! ”
“How do you figure?” He chokes a laugh that boils rage in my bloodstream, so thick it’s visceral.
“All you had to do was stay,” I seethe. “But you chose to come here, because you’re just as sick as the rest of us!
You’re a bloody junkie for this shit… The depraved and the twisted.
The darkness you study sets your blood on fire, doesn’t it, Doctor?
? ” I’m shaking as my grip tightens around his neck.
“You brought this on yourself! You were too cocky, and now you’re paying the price.
So why shouldn’t it be me, huh?? Why shouldn’t I be the one to make you suffer? ?”
He simply gazes up at me, as stone-faced as ever. It’s so infuriating, I could snap his neck right now with my bare hands.
“You’ll lose him if you keep giving him reasons to go…” he croaks. “Just like Alice.”
“Shut up,” I snarl, my limbs vibrating.
“I’ve known you a long time, Trevel,” he mumbles. “You’re not worried about hurting him physically, like you were with Alice. Because you know he can handle you. So instead, you’re destroying him inside . If he’s too strong, he could break you down… And that terrifies you.”
“I’m not paying you for this head-shrinking garbage,” I simmer.
“When are you going to stop hiding from who you are? Sabotaging any and all chances at happiness because you don’t feel worthy…” He keeps going, bloody needling at me until I’m overflowing crimson from my goddamn pores. “The only way you’ll ever move on and feel something real is by accepting it…”
“Accepting what? ”
“That you don’t need to be put back together,” he hums, as if it’s the simplest thing ever. “No amount of revenge will ever fix you, Trevel. Because you can’t be fixed. So let him love you broken … Or spend forever alone, looking for a partner in crime who doesn’t exist.”
My face pales. I feel the color drain as I stare at him in shock.
Fuck you.
My muscles stiffen. My chest burns .
Fuck you fuck you —
“Fuck you! ” Growling out loud, I lift and slam his head down onto the concrete floor.
He winces in pain, but it doesn’t feel good like it’s supposed to, and I hate it!
“It was supposed to feel better than this,” I choke out, jumping off of him. “Where are you , Leo?! Stop hiding every time I need you, selfish bloody bastard!”
Staggering away, tripping over my feet, I race back upstairs, going straight to the room where Dr. Johansson and Dr. Hassan are working. I fly in like a bat out of hell, and they both look up, startled.