Trevel’s Epilogue #2
We discuss our friends, and what they’ve been doing since we all parted ways. And of course, we talk about the reason we all know each other; the person who brought us together, for better or worse.
“No one’s heard from him,” Felix says, breaking open a fortune cookie. “At least, no one in our neck of the woods.”
“Not even Velle?” Byron asks, surprised.
Felix shrugs. “If he has, he hasn’t mentioned it.”
“It’s better that way,” Lem adds. “For everyone.”
“Did Dash say anything? When you saw him?” Felix tilts his head at Byron.
Sure, he could be asking both of us, but where the boys are concerned, it still feels like they’re Byron’s family more than mine. Frankly, I do feel sort of like a brother-in-law to them.
You can get close, spend time together, laughing and enjoying one another’s company. You can love, respect, and trust one another, but you’ll never have as close a bond as they do. Because they’re blood.
I don’t mind it, though. I’m happy to have them in my life, but more than anything, I’m happy that Byron has them in his. That’s what matters most.
“He cut off contact,” Byron answers. “For obvious reasons…”
Felix and Lem both nod in understanding. We all do. The events that led to where we are now were anything but simple. Still, I’d say it worked out for the best. I hope the others feel that way too…
“So… What’s the plan for tomorrow?” I ask, because there’s something else on my mind. My eyes connect with Felix’s while I sip my tea.
“Oh, I’m ready.” He grins, a sly little thing. “You give me the okay and I’m there.”
I nod, dumping more oolong onto the butterflies multiplying in my stomach. Byron notices my sudden nervous zeal and grazes his fingers along the base of my skull, playing with my hair.
“Will you be… tagging along?” Lem asks, waving off the fortune cookie Felix is trying to shove at him before eventually conceding and taking it.
“I’ve gone back and forth,” I mumble, clearly still apprehensive. “But ultimately, I think I need to be there. I think I’d regret it if I weren’t.”
He nods, not necessarily agreeing with my decision, simply accepting that it is my decision. How very doctorly of him. “If you’re worried it will… wet your whistle, so to speak, you know what I’m going to say…” His lips twist.
I grin, slouching back in my seat. “Yes, I do. And if nothing matters, then why not make it count? Being here, this opportunity… Life .”
“I never said nothing matters.” He gives me a pointed look.
“You didn’t have to.” I chuckle.
“So, it’s settled!” Felix beams. “Tomorrow night… we ride!”
Byron and I laugh out loud, while Lemuel shakes his head.
“Could you possibly be more excited?” Byron snorts.
Felix’s head lolls. “ God , I’m telling you… I need this. It’s been way too long.”
“In that case, I propose a toast.” I lift my glass, signaling for them to do the same. “To like-minded individuals. And to not needing revenge… but getting it anyway.”
Byron is humming in amusement as he leans into my side.
“And to a much-needed vacation!” Felix adds, illuminated. And we clink. “What does yours say, baby?” he asks Lem after his sip.
Lemuel removes the small piece of paper from within the cookie. His face is the picture of a scientist who could not possibly find it more frivolous to partake in such things. He reads it, then frowns. “You’re a perfectionist. Don’t spoil it.”
Felix doubles over.
“Hilarious,” he growls, throwing the crumpled fortune at Felix. “And what does yours say, husband?”
Felix purses his lips to dampen the grin as he reads his aloud. “Make time for hobbies. The value of you-time is priceless.”
It’s not the same place I grew up in.
Unsurprisingly, my parents moved around a lot. Dad did some time in prison for minor drug infractions, and Mom did a few stints in rehab. Obviously, I don’t know whether it stuck or not, but judging by where they live now and the state of their rental, I would wager a resounding no.
Outside of that, I know nothing about them, because I chose not to keep tabs—I only found these things out when we started planning this trip. On some level, I think I’ve always been afraid that knowing more about their lives would drive my ever-present need for revenge.
My biggest fear was that killing my parents wouldn’t fix me… That they’d be dead, and I’d still be fucked up. And I’d be stuck dealing with what that meant.
The revenge was always a crutch. If I focused all my energy on anger, I didn’t need to deal with the truth of how deeply and severely my childhood traumatized me.
From the abuse, to the streets, to addiction and the assault, I was never able to just exist without pain.
Which is why when I finally got the chance, with Alice, I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Naturally, I had to sabotage it. Because life without pain didn’t make sense to me.
It truly is a testament to Dr. Love’s abilities that I’m even able to walk around in society, let alone love and be loved.
I swear, the bloke deserves a Nobel Prize, or at least a trophy of some kind.
I was in immense pain after Alice died, struggling with my addictions, my past trauma, and the sudden loss of Dr. Love as what I’d thought was the only thing keeping my demons at bay for years.
And instead of dealing with it, I dove headfirst into revenge, because it was what I knew.
After all, it was how I’d coped with my assault.
And it had been so satisfying, brutally slaying those rapist cunts.
It was the only time I’d ever felt like Leo myself.
But it didn’t undo the damage they’d inflicted on my life. Because, as we now know, revenge doesn’t solve anything. And in never letting myself grieve, the pain became like an infection left untreated. It just kept growing and spreading until, before I knew it, I was shutting down.
That’s the best thing about finally seeking out closure and healing now, as opposed to getting high and blowing up everything around me like a grenade of human suffering like I used to. Because now , I have him.
I don’t need to rely on revenge anymore. I can focus on Byron, like I should’ve done with Alice. He’s helped me move out of the shadows and into the light, in ways I couldn’t back then. I wasn’t ready, and I only wish Alice hadn’t needed to die for me to realize these things…
But I will never forget her.
“I’m trying to forgive myself for what I did to you…
” I told her through tears and sniffles while I knelt in the dirt next to her headstone and the pink dahlias I left for her.
“I’m trying hard, angel. And I don’t know what happens, or where you are…
But I can only hope it’s somewhere good.
Where you’re happy and safe, and loved, better than I could ever give you.
” I sniffled and wiped my eyes, glancing at Byron, hovering a few feet away.
I couldn’t help snorting a wet chuckle. “He reminds me of you. Sometimes I feel like the universe gave him to me as a second chance… I almost lost him once, acting like a bloody twit. I won’t make that mistake again.
For you, baby, I’ll be as good as I can with him.
And I’ll never forget you, Alice Alvarez. ”
As painful as it was, I needed to let myself feel it. Let the sorrow settle over me, and just sit with it, because it’s the only way to finally let the wound heal.
That’s precisely what I’m doing now. Although, this excursion is slightly different.
Byron and I took the tube to my parents’ current place of residence. We’re lingering outside, and I’m pacing, trying to remember to breathe and not let the mere fact that they’re currently sharing the same air supply as me send me into a spiraling panic attack.
“You wanna tell me what you’re feeling, violet?” Byron asks. Not smothering or pushy. Just… here . For me.
It’s my favorite thing about Byron Kang. Support comes second nature to him. He’s a real Leonardo in that way.
“Knowing they’re in there is making it… rather difficult not to remember things.” I’m stiff all over, my skin crawling from the memories. “I hate remembering…”
He nods, then holds out his hand. Peeking down at it, I feel calmer already.
From simply looking at his hand— it’s bonkers .
But it’s a very nice hand. Masculine and strong, veins on top decorated with his new ink— Leo written above two swords.
His nails painted black and the bracelet I made him out of carnelian and sunstone.
Reaching out, I give him mine. He threads our fingers, whispering, “You fucking amaze me… You know that?”
I blink and sniff.
“How badass you are… You did that all by yourself, baby. You’re the real warrior.”
“He’s right, you know…”
I hear the voice inside my head—my inner strength and courage.
I don’t see Leo anymore. In fact, I haven’t since around the time Byron and I became official. But he’s still here. He’s always with me, except that now, he’s my voice of reason, like he probably should’ve been from the start.
Leo got me through a lot of dark, lonely times, and for that, I’ll always imagine him as something separate from me. Because I needed a guardian, and Leo was it. But just like me, he was angry, and afraid.
I’m not those things anymore, and I’m not lonely anymore. I have Byron.
He’s my Leo, and I’m his.
In a way, aren’t we all Leo? It sounds culty, but it’s true!
“He got me through it…” I tell Byron, and his head cocks. “Leo. If it weren’t for him, I probably would’ve…” My voice trails, and I gulp. “Who knows.”
“It was all you, Trev.” He brushes my hair back with his free hand. “From darkness to light and everything in between. You survived a life not many people could’ve made it through.”
I chuckle and kiss his wrist. “I love that you’re totally fine dating someone who’s killed eight people.”
His face drops a bit. “ Dating? Baby… we’re way past dating. Aren’t we? I mean, I thought we were…”