18. Brynn
Lug Nut looked back at me as though silently asking if I was okay. In this case, the definition of “okay” was subjective. Certain movements were felt more than others in the ways my muscles and joints pulled. I had been to Lotus two days before and of course I felt the effects of that visit today more than yesterday. I needed these walks with the dog so I could push through the discomfort.
“It’s okay, bud. I’ll be fine. Keep going.”
This dog was so smart that he adopted a slightly slower pace today, so I was more than able to keep up with him.
“I love you, you big doofus,” I said under my breath. I made a mental note to give him an extra treat once we were back home.
Once we were in the house and I’d made good on that treat, I headed straight to the bathroom so I could take a good long soak in Epsom salts.
Leaning my head back against the edge of the tub, my mind once again drifted to Lotus, and to the man who had invited me there. I didn’t know his name other than the one he used on the Olympus server. During a scene, I knew to call him Sir, but how was I supposed to refer to him otherwise? Were there certain things I needed to do between now and the next time he wanted to see me?
I wished again for the thousandth time that Blair was here for me to talk to. Behind that thought, though, was the fact that if Blair was here, I more than likely would not even concern myself with anything BDSM related. I wasn’t the submissive type. Or was I?
That wasn’t so easy to answer now. The things he had done to me… I had been equal parts terrified, intrigued, and aroused. The orgasms I had experienced were unlike any I’d had before… intense, euphoric, and… freeing.
The whole experience filled me with more questions, but I was hesitant to pose them to a Dominant. The last thing I wanted was to have him think I was such an inexperienced idiot that I would take up too much of his time and I would leave him disappointed and unsatisfied.
I had made a point to log on to Olympus nearly every night and while I greeted a few other women, for the most part, I lurked. I read their discussions and commented now and then so I didn’t come off as creepy, but I was very far out of my comfort zone.
One submissive had taken me under her wing, so to speak, and any time we were both online, she made a point to reach out to me. Her server name was Anyaknees, which made me smile every time I saw it. She told me that she could tell I was new to the lifestyle, and while we needed to be mindful of the server rules, she could answer some of my general questions if and when I had them. We could not and would not speak about specific members and we would not discuss any scenes that went on inside the club.
Through Anya, I had learned more about subspace and the drop that occurred after a scene. I had definitely experienced that to the point where I couldn’t keep my eyes open. She was kind enough to give me more details about the topics I’d researched and didn’t make fun of me or make me feel like an idiot for asking.
Had Blair been through all of this as well? God, I wish I knew.
Anya had also told me that it was common for the Doms to not reach out immediately after a scene. Once aftercare was done, they were finished until they wanted to work with a submissive again. I paid attention to that part and tried not to take it personally that I’d not yet been contacted by EREBUS69. I recalled just the weeks before when he’d gone silent, but it had been due to work and not because of me. I had to believe that if he had been displeased, I would have heard about it, and I would have been given some sort of communication that I was no longer allowed back at Lotus.
While I was deep in my musings, my cell phone vibrated. I wasn’t going to cut my soak short even though I was almost finished with it, so any messages could wait a bit longer.
Once I finally checked my phone, I rolled my eyes and muttered that this type of message could wait permanently, but I knew I needed to respond. It was my boss, Randall, once again asking me out. Since Blair’s passing, he had crossed the line from caring and concerned to suffocating and relentless. This time, he wanted me to be his plus one to a Chamber of Commerce dinner in two weeks.
I thanked him, but politely refused just as I always did. I kept thinking that he would stop asking, but Randall never really seemed deterred. Thank goodness he took my rejections so well because I had heard stories of other women in my position losing their jobs for not giving in to their bosses’ wishes. I was glad I didn’t need to be concerned about that.
Wrapping my still damp hair up in a towel, I booted up my laptop and logged on to Olympus as had become my evening routine. Because the server was global, there was always activity. I had learned from Anya that there were numerous locations of Lotus, including one in her city overseas. In order to become a member, your home address had to be within a certain mile radius of a club location. If you didn’t meet that criteria, you were politely refused, but encouraged to reapply in the event of relocating to a different city.
Anya’s green light was on, but I resisted the urge to immediately reach out and say hello. Besides, based on her server status, she was watching a stream and I didn’t want to interrupt. She didn’t contact me, and I wasn’t interested in chatting with anyone else, so I logged off and went in search of a glass of wine.
Lug Nut had apparently gotten a second wind. He was playing with his favorite toy, a stuffed alligator named Gus, shaking it and tossing it in the air. When Gus landed, he skittered across the hardwood floors, coming to rest against the opposite wall. Again and again, Lug Nut would toss and play, keeping himself entertained. His whole body wriggled with excitement and he got a little ahead of himself, forgetting that not only did Gus slide on the floors, but he did, too.
“Take it easy, buddy,” I chuckled, pouring that glass of wine, and leaning a hip against the counter while watching this 90-pound dog be so filled with joy. Blair had lucked out with this guy, and now, I was the lucky one to be able to share part of my life and share this house with him.
The dog trotted over to me, Gus firmly clasped in his jaw, and set the animal down at my feet. With a smile, I picked up and tossed the alligator, laughing at the short, gruff noise the dog made before he took off after it.
We played like this for a bit until I could tell that the dog was beginning to tire. I knew he’d be down for a nice nap shortly. This time, when he dropped the alligator in front of me, I tossed it upward and when it came down, it bopped his nose, flying off toward a side table.
I heard a loud crash when the dog hit the wall, and when I looked, there was some sort of panel beneath the table that was askew.
“What in the world is that?” I said, going toward it. Great. Now I’d have to figure out how to do wall repair or pay an overpriced handyman to fix it.
Seemingly pleased with himself, Lug Nut picked up the stuffie and trotted to his bed where he flopped down, tucking the gator under his arm.
Getting down on my hands and knees, I inspected the panel and noticed that it was actually a cover made to blend in with the rest of the wall. Moving the panel away completely, my mouth fell open at the sight of a cubby hole.
The hole wasn’t large, but it was wide enough to fit books. There were about a half-dozen books in this space and when I pulled them out, I realized they were more of Blair’s diaries.
“Why were you hiding diaries? The rest of these were just in your bedroom, B. I don’t get it.”
Setting the books aside, I managed to replace the panel on the wall and once finished, I couldn’t even really tell it had ever come off. I was beginning to see why there was a side table in front of that panel. Perhaps Blair knew Lug Nut might end up doing exactly what he just did.
I set the stack of diaries on the coffee table and went to retrieve my glass of wine, filling it to the rim this time. I had a feeling I would need it. Quickly opening the covers to check dates, I arranged them from oldest to newest, surprised to see that the last one was only about a third of the way filled and the last entry was actually the day before Blair had been killed.
My hands were shaking when I opened the first one. I traced a finger over her name and after several minutes, I began to read, my jaw falling open at what was contained within the pages.
Dear Diary - I don’t even know where to start. I keep asking myself what the hell is wrong with me, but of course, I don’t have that answer. My mother would be happy to extol my many shortcomings, but her opinion doesn’t really count. I can’t talk to Bry about any of this because… well, because she’s younger and I don’t want to freak her out. I think I may be into BDSM. Why do I think that? Mainly because the vanilla stuff just doesn’t do it for me anymore. I need more. I need pain. I need…fuck. I need something to make me forget. I don’t want to have to make a decision. I don’t want to have to live up to anyone’s warped expectations of me. I don’t even necessarily want to be me. I just want to be. For a few stolen hours of time, I want to just be.