Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Nineteen
Pixie felt an intense pain in her chest, as if it were on fire. As if something was weighing down on it and squashing the life out of her. Fighting for breath, she opened her eyes. She was lying prostrate on the floor. Staring down at her were three horrified faces: Ulysses, Zach and Tabitha.
‘Pixie, Pixie, você me ouve ?’ Ulysses was shaking her by the shoulders as she twitched and writhed. ‘Pixie, escuta-me ! Pixie! Pelo amor de deus, fala alguma coisa! ’ Ulysses always broke into Portuguese when he was frightened.
Pixie took a great gulp of air. She realised suddenly where she was, and the shock hit her like a blow to the stomach. ‘No!’
Her scream startled the two children and they recoiled as if they’d been bitten by a snake.
‘No, no, no, no, no, no! This cannot be!’ Grabbing Ulysses by the arms, she pulled herself to her feet and stood gaping in bewilderment at the three terrified faces, astonished to see them there. ‘What just happened?’ She stared at them in horror. ‘Tell me! What the hell just happened?’
‘You were having a fit!’ Ulysses replied. ‘Are you okay?’
The pain in her chest was beginning to subside. Pixie rushed to the window. She looked out at the winter’s day. There was no mistaking it – she had slid back.
Banging her forehead against the glass she closed her eyes and cried out.
Ulysses turned to the children. ‘You’d better leave us,’ he said. Then more urgently, ‘Go!’
The children bolted into the corridor. Tabitha turned on Zach. ‘You idiot!’ she cried. ‘What were you thinking? How could you?’
Zach felt terrible. ‘I didn’t know. I’m sorry.’
‘You might have killed her. You’re so stupid!’
Zach’s cheeks burned scarlet. He felt like a fool. What had he been thinking? ‘I know. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have …’
They made their way down the stairs in silence.
‘What happened?’ Pixie asked Ulysses.
‘Zach burst in,’ he explained with a shrug.
‘He just burst in? Why?’
‘I don’t know. I was watching my movie. I didn’t expect anyone to disturb us. Then he burst in and said something about this being a big joke. The next thing I know, you’re convulsing on the floor. You really worried me, Pix. I thought you were going to die.’
‘Shit!’ Pixie turned back to the window. How different the garden looked in winter. She glanced down at her jeans and trainers. They felt odd after the long skirt and boots she’d been wearing. ‘Oh, Ulysses. I was so close to finding out who takes Felix.’
Ulysses didn’t know what to do. He’d never seen her like this before.
‘It’s ruined!’ she exclaimed. Then she burst into tears, banging her forehead against the glass again. ‘It’s ruined. All ruined.’ She felt as if she’d hit a brick wall.
A moment later he was behind her. He put his arms around her in a hug, but it was of little comfort. ‘It’s okay, Pix,’ he murmured softly. ‘It’s okay.’
‘No, it isn’t. How am I going to slide back to where I left off? If I link into the locket again, I might slide back to another time. A month before, who knows? I can’t control it. I put out the desire and leave the details to divine power. Now it’s ruined. You can’t play around with time.’
‘Stupid boy,’ Ulysses exclaimed crossly.
‘He’s a boy. How could he know?’ She turned around and let her friend pull her against his chest. If only he were Cavill.
‘I should have been on guard!’ he said. ‘I’m sorry I fucked up.’
Pixie began to sob. ‘Someone is going to take Felix away … and I won’t be there to see who it is.’
‘It’s in the past, Pix.’
‘Not for me, it isn’t,’ she snapped, shaking him off.
‘Then you have to find a way to slide back.’
‘It’s not so simple.’ She swore again, loudly. ‘How long was I out?’
‘Three hours.’
‘Three hours!’ She laughed bitterly. ‘I was there for ten days.’ She thought of Cavill and a sick feeling crept into her breast. ‘Cavill!’ Her stomach cramped with guilt. Had she stopped him from leaving? She couldn’t recall what she’d said to him. Had she affected time?
‘Who is Cavill?’
Pixie didn’t anwer him, and rushed towards the door.
‘Where are you going?’ Ulysses asked, chasing after her.
‘Come.’
She did not want to bump into the family, at least not yet. There was something she had to do first.
Pixie now knew the house well. Surprisingly little had changed since it had belonged to Ivan and Cordelia Pengower. Certainly, the structure was the same; it was only the decoration and some of the furniture that had been altered – like an elegant old dame who has simply slipped into a new outfit. The smell was the same too, of woodsmoke and antiquity, and it brought Cavill back to her in a sudden assault of memory and she suffered once again a searing sense of loss. Suppressing the desire to cry, she led Ulysses down the corridor and the old servants’ staircase, and out through the back door into the January afternoon.
The cold took Pixie by surprise. She had never seen the gardens in winter. Gone were the summer flowers and foliage and immaculately cut grass, and in their place naked, shivering branches and overgrown and tangled borders. The ground was soggy where the frost had melted, and her trainers squelched as she strode purposefully through the vegetable garden and on into the wood. It compounded her sadness to see such neglect. Under Cordelia Pengower’s loving eye, this place had been a utopia.
‘Where are we going?’ Ulysses asked, struggling to keep up with her. ‘I’m not wearing the right shoes. You could have told me we were going to be in the mud.’
‘We’re going to the family chapel,’ she answered curtly.
‘Isn’t there a path, or a track? Do we have to wade through wet grass? I’m wearing suede.’
‘There is a track, but we’re going the shortcut.’
‘What’s the hurry?’
Pixie stopped and glared at him. ‘Look, you don’t have to come.’
Ulysses’ face fell. ‘But I want to come,’ he protested in bewilderment.
‘Then stop complaining. You’re behaving like a child.’
‘And you’re being horrible. You’re not being you !’
She sighed in frustration. ‘Look, I’m sorry, Ulysses. I’m just devastated. I was so close to finding out what happens. I was living it. Every minute of it. That child is real to me. He’s not in the past. He’s in the present, and he’s going to vanish. He’s probably going to die.’
‘But you can’t stop it, Pixie.’ Ulysses reminded her gently.
‘I know. But I can find out what happened. I can see who takes him and with that knowledge I can settle Cordelia’s soul. I know her, I have to help her. I need to find out what happens to Felix and bring her peace.’ Pixie turned to Ulysses, her eyes welling with tears. ‘I care for these people, Ulysses. And I fucked up. I’m hating myself right now.’
‘Being mean to me won’t make you like yourself, you know.’
‘I’m not being mean to you.’
‘Maybe not intentionally.’
‘This isn’t about you.’
‘You’re making it about me.’ He drew his lips into a thin line. ‘Just be nice.’
‘I haven’t got the energy to be nice. I just want to curl up and die.’
He rolled his eyes. ‘So, what are you going to do at the chapel? Pray or dig your own grave?’
She had to laugh at that. Pixie had never been religious, so praying wasn’t an option. ‘I’m going to look at the graves, not dig one.’
‘ Bem. ’ He was still none the wiser, but he ran after her all the same. He glanced down at his brown suede shoes, now darkened with moisture, and marched on regardless.
At last, they emerged out of the trees. In the middle of the pasture the chapel was bathed in silence and cold sunshine. It looked almost exactly as it had done in 1895. Perhaps there were more gravestones, she couldn’t tell. If Ulysses hadn’t been beside her, and she hadn’t been wearing jeans, she might have thought she had slipped back in time. If only she had.
Leaving Ulysses picking his way carefully over the soggy ground, Pixie ran towards the graveyard. A pressure built in her chest, rising into her throat. Her vision misted and she blinked away tears. Frantically, she moved through the gravestones, memorials and tombs that were littered over the grass, searching for one name. She did not notice Ulysses or hear him speak. She was alone with her purpose, and nothing could distract her.
She saw the memorial to Cordelia Pengower, and a larger, more ostentatious one for Ivan. She found Mrs James Pengower’s headstone and her husband’s obelisk. She passed other Pengowers whom she had never met, and then she found the one she was looking for.
Her legs gave way beneath her. The pressure in her chest was released in a sob and she threw her arms around the headstone. Beneath her the words Cavill Henry James Pengower were carved into the stone, along with the sentence Go forth into the light and the date: 1857–1943 .
She stared at the numbers in amazement. 1943.
According to the book Bruce had found, Cavill had died in 1895. But now the gravestone indicated that he had lived into his eighties.
‘Oh my God. I’ve changed the future,’ she murmured in astonishment. However, an assault of guilt and terror quickly followed. She wasn’t meant to change events. She was meant to observe and change nothing. But she had prevented Cavill from dying on the way to Argentina. She had saved his life. The implications of that were tremendous and terrifying. A sick feeling churned in her belly. What were the consequences of her meddling?
Ulysses stood a short distance away, tactfully leaving her to her sorrow. He could not imagine what was going through Pixie’s mind.
Kneeling before the gravestone, Pixie trailed her fingers over Cavill’s name. It was unimaginable to think of him dead. Unbearable to envisage those beautiful eyes closed for ever. Right now, it didn’t matter that his soul lived on, because it felt like mere minutes ago that she had been in his arms. He’d been real and solid, warm-bodied and breathing. He’d been living and loving, but now he was gone.
Now he was gone.
Slowly, Ulysses approached. He looked at the gravestone and read the words. ‘Who was Cavill?’ he asked again.
Pixie felt drained and deflated and very tired suddenly. ‘I loved him,’ she replied.
‘You fell in love?’ Ulysses asked, amazed.
‘I love him with all my heart, Ulysses. I have never loved like this before, and I suspect I never will again.’ She sounded different, not at all like the Pixie he knew.
Ulysses screwed up his nose. How could this have happened in three hours? ‘What about Pablo?’ he asked.
For a moment Pixie didn’t recognise that name. Then it registered. How insubstantial it sounded compared to Cavill. ‘Pablo is nothing to me,’ she replied, and indeed the name sounded hollow and weightless, like a husk.
‘Who was he?’ Ulysses crouched beside her, wary of getting his trousers dirty. They were designer and very expensive.
‘He’s Cordelia Pengower’s brother-in-law. He’s leaving now for South America, and I can’t bear to see him go.’
Ulysses put a hand on her shoulder. ‘ Meu amor , he died over seventy years ago. You’re talking in the present tense. He’s not real.’
‘He is real to me,’ she bit back.
At length she stood up and sighed in defeat. The hard winter sun was low in the sky, turning the ribbon of the sea to a dazzling blue. In her mind’s eye she saw herself riding through the long grasses with Robert and Cavill. It had only been a few days ago. She could feel the wind in her hair and smell the sweet scents of wild flowers and brine. The vision was almost tangible, as if she could reach out and touch it. But it was gone, all gone.
She turned to her friend. ‘What do I do now?’ She looked small and pitiful and lost.
Ulysses shrugged. ‘You have to find a way to go back.’
‘Going back is not a challenge,’ she told him. ‘Going back to the moment where I left off, is. Timesliding is not an exact science, or perhaps I’m just not very good at it. It isn’t like waving a magic wand.’
‘You have to try,’ said Ulysses with a shrug.
‘For Cordelia,’ she added, motivated suddenly by thought of that poor, wretched soul. ‘I have to try, for her.’
They walked through the wood. The gardens of St Sidwell might have changed but the woods had not. Only the season was different, stripping the trees of their leaves and sending the birds away to warmer climes. It was as if the place had died with Cavill. While they made their way back to the house, Pixie told him about her adventure. He listened in wonder as she described the family and the events leading up to Felix’s disappearance. ‘I’m convinced it’s a miner,’ she told him. ‘There were other possibilities, but knowing what I know now, I think it’s someone who wants to hurt Ivan Pengower. If I manage to get back, I’ll find out simply by being there. But there’s more going on that I feel is significant. You see, when I slid, I put out the desire to find out what happened in the past to prevent Cordelia moving on in the present. It’s one thing holding an object in order to link me with the person I need to know about, but it’s another to travel on the energy of that desire. It’s the desire that determined the date of my arrival. Do you see?’
Ulysses frowned. ‘Not really,’ he confessed.
‘By the law of attraction, my desire took me to a point in time where I could find out what I needed to know. Well, if all I needed to do was lie in wait in Felix’s bedroom on the night of the 29th June 1895 and watch who came in to abduct him, then surely I would have slid back to the morning of the twenty-eighth. But I didn’t. I slid back to eleven days before the abduction. That’s not accidental. That’s deliberate. The law of attraction is the most powerful law in the universe. Nothing happens by chance.’
‘So you think there’s another reason why she won’t move on?’ Ulysses asked.
‘I do. And I was given eleven days to find out what that is.’
‘Then you have to go back and live the last day.’
‘I do. I just have to find a way to do it. I’ve never been in this situation before. I can link into the locket again, but I can’t guarantee that I’ll slide back to the same moment in time. I might slide back to a different time and then have to relive the whole thing again. I can’t do that, Ulysses.’
‘Is there anyone you can call? Another timeslider?’
Pixie looked at him askance. ‘Oh, do you know one?’ she asked sarcastically.
He shrugged. ‘Clutching at straws, Grumpy! How about calling the college?’
‘And how are they going to help? I think even the College of Psychic Studies would find my claims of sliding through time a little too out there! I don’t even think my mentor Avril can help me. Her knowledge of timesliding was limited to what an Indian guru told her, and what she’d read in a book she lent me. Basically, theory. She had never done it herself. But, following what she’d learnt, she taught me how to link into an object and put out the desire of what I wanted to achieve, and she taught me about the law of attraction and how it works. But I can’t be specific about the exact time and place I want to arrive in. I’ve tried that and it doesn’t work.’
‘You’re giving me a headache,’ Ulysses complained. ‘I was never good at physics at school.’
‘It’s really hard to understand, especially because no one else seems to do it. When I was a child, it happened by default. I’d desire safety and slide back to a time before my house had been built. Of course, back then, I didn’t realise I was sliding through time. I’d find myself in a meadow and feel safe. I thought it was Heaven. But as I grew up and began sliding, quite randomly, to different eras, I realised that I was sliding through time. I began playing with it. It was entertaining. I’d put out the desire to go back to a certain year and I’d find myself there, observing. That was when my grandmother found me in a trance and shook me out of it. I ended up having a fit and being taken to hospital.’
‘Lucky we didn’t have to take you to hospital this time,’ said Ulysses with relief.
‘Very lucky,’ Pixie agreed. ‘But that was when I realised it wasn’t something I could play with. I also learnt that sliding back as me , with my astral body, meant I could only stay a short time. I didn’t have the energy to remain for long.’
‘So, if you don’t slide as you . Who do you slide as?’ It had never occurred to Ulysses that, when Pixie went back in time, she was anyone other than herself.
‘When I met Avril at the college, as well as learning to link into an object to take me back in time, I learnt something else.’ She glanced at Ulysses, doubting suddenly whether she should tell him. She decided she should. She needed to share it with someone, and he was the only someone she had whom she could trust. ‘I learnt to slide into another person’s body. That’s what I do, you see. I slide into someone else’s body.’
Ulysses stared at her in puzzlement. If he didn’t know her so well, he wouldn’t believe her. ‘You’ve never told me that before,’ he said.
‘I know. I’m embarrassed because it’s weird. Usually, I slide back as me and observe, and you keep me safe. But recently, I’ve been experimenting with possessing another person’s body. There, so now you know.’ She shrugged. ‘You’re the only person, besides Avril, who knows.’
Ulysses laughed. He thought it sounded absurd. ‘Are you serious, Pix? You really do that? You possess someone else’s body? Isn’t that a bit gross?’
Pixie was put out. ‘Look, it’s the only way it works. Sometimes I can’t do it being me, all right? I have to be someone else.’
‘Can you slide into a man’s body?’
‘No, by the law of attraction, I slide into a body that’s close in energy to mine. It’s a relatively new skill, to be honest. I’m still learning how it works. I think this slide has taught me that the universe, or God, or whatever you want to call it, helps me to slide into the best body for my desire, which is why I didn’t slide into Cordelia. I needed to observe her, not be her.’
He nodded, taking it in. ‘So, when you say you fell in love. The man you fell in love with, Cavill, actually fell in love with—’
‘Hermione Swift,’ Pixie cut in. ‘I’ve been living in the past as Hermione Swift, the governess. Cavill fell in love with her.’
‘Which means, if he were to meet you , Pixie, he wouldn’t know you?’
‘That will never happen,’ said Pixie sadly. ‘But you’re right. He wouldn’t know me.’
Yet, if Cavill looked into her eyes, looked deeply into her eyes, might he …? Pixie so wanted to believe he would.
‘What are you going to tell Olivia?’ Ulysses asked.
‘That I’m not going to give up. I just need time to work it out.’
‘There has to be a way.’
‘Trust me, I’ll move heaven and earth to get back and finish the job. I owe it to Cordelia. She’s not just a spirit who’s trapped on the earth plane, but a friend too.’
And she’d move heaven and earth to have one final moment with Cavill.
Zach and Tabitha went out into the garden. Neither spoke; Zach was feeling guilty; Tabitha was still furious. The light was already fading even though it was not yet three. Purple shadows were lengthening over the wet grass and the air was growing heavy with moisture. There would be another frost tonight. They wandered miserably down the stone path. Even though it wasn’t Tabitha’s fault, she felt bad. She should have stopped Zach from barging in. The sight of Pixie falling onto the floor and convulsing was one she would never forget.
Zach thrust his hands into his pockets and kicked a stone out of his path. ‘I’m going to be in shit now,’ he said eventually, looking to her for support. Not that he deserved it, Tabitha thought. He knew he’d done wrong.
‘You’re going to have to say sorry,’ she said.
‘I know. Should we go back?’
‘No. I think we should steer clear for a while.’
‘It’s getting dark.’
‘I don’t care.’
‘Just saying.’
Tabitha sighed. ‘If we’re going to stay out, we might as well explore.’
‘What’s there to explore?’ he asked dully. The last thing he felt like doing was exploring.
‘Loads.’
He didn’t look keen, but Tabitha wanted to go back to the cottage. ‘Come with me. I’ll show you something interesting.’ She decided not to tell him about the boy, unless he showed up. But it was getting dark; he was likely at home with his family.
Tabitha led Zach through the wood. The smell of pine and wet soil saturated the air, which felt colder in the trees. It was darker too. There was no birdsong, only the cawing of rooks and the screeching of an owl. ‘Where are we going?’ Zach asked.
‘To a secret place,’ Tabitha answered, delighted to have something to show him that he hadn’t already seen. ‘Have you brought your phone?’
‘Yes, why? Do you want to make a call?’
‘We might need the torch.’
‘You’re not going to send me down a hole, are you?’
She laughed, no longer cross. ‘No, but I doubt there’s electricity.’
‘Sounds great,’ he said unenthusiastically.
At last, they reached the clearing. The cottage stood still and silent like a tomb, sinking slowly into nature’s embrace. ‘Wow!’ Zach exclaimed, cheering up. ‘This is awesome.’
‘Pretty cool, right?’ Tabitha strode towards it. ‘Let’s go and have a look inside.’
‘When did you find this?’
‘This morning. But I didn’t go inside. I was going to, but I got distracted by Daphne.’
‘It’s a ruin. I love ruins.’
‘So do I. No one’s lived here for years. I suppose Daddy’s inherited it as well?’ Tabitha asked.
‘He’s inherited the whole place,’ Zach replied. ‘We should rebuild it.’
‘Like we need more space!’ Tabitha pushed the door. It opened without resistance, only a gasp as if surprised by the intrusion. The thick mesh of spider webs that tore around the frame revealed that no one had been through it in a very long time. She wondered where the boy had come from. If he hadn’t been inside, where had he been?
The first thing that struck Tabitha on entering the house was the dust. It covered all surfaces in a thick grey blanket. There was little furniture in the main room. Just a wooden table and a few chairs, a dresser and a fireplace. The cottage had clearly been vacated years ago. Windowpanes were broken or hanging off their hinges. Damp stained the walls in patches of brown. Mice had eaten through the curtain, or perhaps the fabric had been devoured by moths. It was bitterly cold. When she exhaled, her breath misted.
‘I wonder who lived here,’ Tabitha mused, gazing around her in awe. ‘I’d like to know, wouldn’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ Zach agreed, lifting a rusted red-and-yellow tin off the table and wiping away the dust with his fingers. ‘I’d like to know why Mrs Delaware left it to rot.’ He blew the remaining dust away to reveal the words Gold Leaf Honey Dew on the lid.
‘Maybe she didn’t have the money to repair it,’ Tabitha suggested.
‘I suppose she let her own house go to ruin.’ Zach opened the tin. To his surprise he didn’t find tobacco, but a folded piece of yellowed paper.
‘What’s that?’ Tabitha asked, drawing close.
Zach lifted the paper out and unfolded it.
‘Give me your phone,’ she said. ‘And I’ll shine the torch onto it.’
He put the tin down and opened what turned out to be a short letter. While Tabitha shone the torch, Zach read it out loud. It wasn’t easy to read for the writing was very tight and slanted.
September 1895
Beloved. My suffering is total. I am in torment. I cannot live without you in my life. I simply cannot. I carry our child in my belly and that keeps me from giving up. This child is my hope and the only thing that gives me a reason to live. It is a part of you and a part of me and was conceived in love. Indeed, there is no child on earth that was conceived in more love than this blessed soul. Adultery is a sin we are told, and yet how can love such as ours be a sin? God is love. These laws we must abide by are simply human constructs. Loving you is not a sin but a God-given gift.
I love you, my dear one, and I pray that we may find a way to be together. I hope this letter finds its way to you. I hope you read it and that it gives you hope, too. Hope now is all I have, and I cling to it with all my strength.
Your loving friend
‘Wow!’ Tabitha exclaimed. ‘I wonder who wrote it?’
‘Someone who was pregnant and shouldn’t have been.’
Tabitha laughed. ‘Scandal! Let’s take it back and show Mum. I bet she doesn’t even know about this cottage.’
‘Of course, she doesn’t. She’s barely been outside,’ said Zach. ‘It’s too cold for her.’
Tabitha grabbed the tin. ‘Nice. A real relic.’
‘There are plenty of those back at the house,’ said Zach. ‘I’ve seen them. Let’s see if we can find anything else interesting in here.’
The two children wandered from room to room then climbed what remained of the staircase. The upstairs was in worse condition than the downstairs for the roof had fallen in leaving it open for the rain, and the ivy and bindweed to steal in with their boundless appetites.
‘Come on,’ said Zach, making his way back down the stairs. ‘Let’s go and show Mum the letter.’
‘And apologise to Pixie,’ Tabitha added.
Zach groaned. ‘I suppose I should,’ he said.
‘You can redeem yourself with the letter.’
‘Yeah. I hope it’s important.’
Pixie and Ulysses found Antoinette and Olivia in the drawing room. The two women sat up expectantly when they saw them. ‘How did it go?’ Antoinette asked. ‘Did you get rid of her?’
Pixie shook her head. ‘I’m afraid not.’
‘Oh.’ Antoinette was disappointed.
‘What happened?’ Olivia asked.
‘I was disturbed,’ said Pixie awkwardly, not wanting to get the children into trouble.
‘Who disturbed you?’ Olivia asked. Then her expression hardened. ‘Not Bruce?’
‘No, the children,’ Ulysses interrupted. ‘Zach to be precise. He just burst in, and Pixie was woken out of her trance.’
‘Dear girl—’ Antoinette exclaimed.
‘It’s okay,’ Pixie cut in hastily. She didn’t want them to know how dangerous it was to interrupt her when she was in that state.
Olivia was cross. ‘That’s not on. Where are they?’
Pixie shrugged. ‘I don’t know.’
‘I told them to leave,’ said Ulysses. ‘Pixie wasn’t right, and we needed space.’
‘Good God!’ Antoinette gasped. ‘Are you all right, my dear?’
‘I’m fine. But I need to find a way to get back.’
Olivia looked anxious. ‘Can you do that?’
‘I don’t know,’ said Pixie. ‘I was so close.’
‘To finding out what happened?’ Olivia asked.
‘Yes.’
‘Tell us,’ said Antoinette, lighting another cigarette. ‘What have you found out so far?’