Shadows in the Moonlight

Chapter Twenty-Four

Chapter Twenty-Four

Ulysses was enjoying his film when he sensed movement. Reluctantly, he lifted his eyes off the screen. Shame, it was his favourite moment when Ingrid Bergman … never mind. He sighed and glanced at his watch. Pixie had only been in trance for fifteen minutes. He wondered how long she had spent in the past this time.

He swung his feet off the bed, sat up and closed the lid of his laptop. He watched quietly as she opened her eyes and remained still as she slowly adjusted to the change. He was ready to help her transition. After the last episode, he was prepared for anything. He hoped that she had managed to complete the mission this time, and not mess it up by trying to be clever.

Pixie looked around the room, Felix’s room, where only a short while ago that sweet child had been sleeping soundly and safely in his bed. Now he was gone. There was the wardrobe where she had hidden, the bed where Felix had slept, the window through which moonlight had shone so keenly. She thought of his body, his small, fragile body, broken at the bottom of the priest hole, and began to tremble violently. Her eyes filled with tears and her chest grew tight as the nightmare she had experienced reverberated through her body like the final tremors of an orchestra that had ceased to play. Overcome, suddenly, by the need to vomit, she ran to the bathroom and threw up in the loo.

Alarmed, Ulysses waited outside the bathroom door, his ear pressed against it. On hearing her throwing up, he recoiled. He wondered what on earth she had witnessed to be so dramatically affected by it. It wasn’t looking good.

Pixie splashed her face with cold water, trying to wash away the darkness she had brought with her into the present. Trying to bring herself back into the now, into the light. She stared at her face in the mirror and told herself that what she had lived through had been a nightmare and that now she had awoken. The horror she had observed had happened over one hundred years ago.

But that horror was still happening for Cordelia Pengower. For her, the nightmare went on every minute of every day. She was trapped in her guilt, like a glitching television screen that was stuck on a scene and wouldn’t move on. It was time to release her from her suffering. But how? Pixie wasn’t sure. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She would step aside, figuratively speaking, and allow her guides in spirit to show her the way. She couldn’t do it on her own.

Ulysses knocked softly. ‘You okay in there, Pix?’ he asked.

She dried her face on a towel and opened the door. He winced. She looked like a ghost herself, even her lips were grey. ‘God, what happened?’

‘Felix Pengower fell down a priest hole in the wood,’ she told him flatly. ‘I had to walk away. It was awful, Ulysses. I just walked away and left him there.’

Ulysses put his arms around her and drew her against him. ‘What you have to go through in your line of work, Pix. It’s too much.’

‘The worst is that I couldn’t do anything about it,’ she said. ‘It went against every instinct. I wanted to stop it happening. More than anything in the world, I wanted to stop it happening. But I couldn’t. I had to walk away. It was terrible.’

‘But it’s essential, Pix. If you could play about with the past and impact the future, we’d all be in a mess. We couldn’t have you running amok like that, trying to make things better, but probably making things worse.’ He kissed her temple. ‘But your job isn’t over yet.’

She took a deep breath. ‘I know. There’s still work to be done. The most important work.’ She walked past him, into the corridor. ‘Let’s go to the wood.’

Pixie and Ulysses found Olivia, Antoinette and Tabitha in the dining room. Antoinette was enjoying another cup of coffee while Tabitha was on the floor, stroking the dog. When the two of them walked in, Tabitha jumped to her feet. ‘Did you do it? Did you release the spirit?’ she asked.

Pixie nodded. It was a relief to be able to give them some good news. ‘I know now what needs to be done.’

‘Sit down, my dear,’ said Antoinette, patting the chair beside her. ‘Tell us all about it.’

Pixie and Ulysses sat down. Ulysses helped himself to coffee.

Pixie was too fidgety to drink anything, least of all coffee.

‘Cordelia Pengower was having an affair with the foreman at the mine called Pascoe Bray,’ she began. ‘The night Felix disappeared—’

‘Felix?’ Tabitha interrupted excitedly. Her eyes widened with astonishment. ‘Did you say Felix?’

Pixie frowned. ‘Yes, Felix was Cordelia’s six-year-old son who went missing.’

‘I know a little boy called Felix. I met him in the wood.’

They all stared at her in confusion. ‘You met a little boy in the wood?’ Olivia asked. ‘When?’

‘You didn’t tell us?’ said Antoinette.

‘I didn’t think it was important,’ Tabitha replied.

‘Tell us now,’ said Pixie. It hadn’t occurred to her that Felix might be earthbound too.

‘He was wearing a white-and-blue sailor suit and his feet were bare. I did think it strange that he wasn’t wearing shoes. He said he didn’t feel the cold.’

‘What was he doing?’ Olivia asked.

‘Playing. He was at the cottage.’

‘What cottage?’ said Olivia.

‘Pascoe Bray’s cottage,’ said Pixie slowly, the pieces falling into place.

‘On this estate?’ said Olivia. ‘I didn’t know we had a cottage.’

Tabitha stood up. ‘It’s a ruin,’ she told them. ‘I went exploring and found it. The little boy was there. He wanted to play hide-and-seek, but, when I went to find him, he’d disappeared. I thought he’d gone home. Then he appeared again and told me that it wasn’t safe to play there. In the wood. He told me to go. He disappeared again, into the mist.’ She looked at Pixie, eyes shining. ‘Is he a ghost? A spirit, I mean.’

‘He’s an earthbound spirit,’ said Pixie sadly. ‘I didn’t expect that. I thought he would have gone straight to the light. You see, the night he disappeared, he followed his mother out through the priest hole in the library to Pascoe Bray’s cottage. Cordelia was pregnant with Pascoe’s child. It was she who wrote the letter, not the nursemaid, Gwen. When Felix saw his mother and Pascoe together, he ran off and fell down a priest hole hidden in the bushes. He was never found, which isn’t a surprise because the priest hole was built never to be found. I suspect Cordelia realised her son had followed her because a bracelet he was wearing fell off in the tunnel and she would most definitely have found it on her way back. Plus, the door in the library, which she usually closed, was left ajar. Poor Felix’s spirit has been stuck in the wood ever since. He probably hasn’t a clue that he’s dead.’

‘Can you show him the way home?’ Tabitha asked.

Pixie nodded. ‘I can.’

Just then, Bruce walked in with Zach. ‘What’s going on?’ he asked. ‘You all look very serious.’

‘Apparently, there are two earthbound spirits,’ said Antoinette gleefully.

‘Goodie,’ said Bruce, rubbing his hands together. ‘The more the merrier.’ He looked at the bewildered faces. ‘We thought we’d go and help Tom on the farm. Does anyone else want to come? Tab?’

‘I’m staying here,’ she replied firmly.

‘Very well,’ said Bruce. ‘We’ll leave you to your earthbound spirits, then.’

Zach rolled his eyes and followed his father into the hall.

There was a moment’s silence as they watched the air settle.

‘What do we do now?’ Olivia asked.

‘I release the souls of Cordelia Pengower and Felix into the light,’ said Pixie.

Antoinette pushed herself up from her chair with a groan. ‘Can we come too?’

‘I think it best if we leave her to do it alone,’ said Ulysses apologetically.

‘All right,’ Antoinette agreed, although she’d love to have seen how it was done. ‘We’ll take Daphne for a walk.’

‘Is it okay if Tabitha comes with me?’ Pixie asked Olivia. Tabitha gave her mother a pleading look.

Olivia nodded. ‘As long as it’s not dangerous,’ she said.

‘It’s not dangerous,’ Pixie reassured her. She smiled down at Tabitha. ‘I think you have the makings of a gifted psychic,’ she said, and Tabitha beamed.

‘I hope you manage to release them,’ said Antoinette. ‘I’d like to see happiness restored to this place.’

‘So would I,’ Olivia agreed, and watched Pixie and Tabitha leave the room.

How different the winter garden looked to the summer garden Pixie had just slid from. It was hard to get her head around the sudden change. Instead of the intense heat, a cold sun hung low in the sky, shining weakly through the branches and throwing damp shadows over the long grasses. Heaps of weeds had taken over the once immaculate borders, and shrubs and trees had seeded themselves in the middle of the lawn. Yet in spite of the neglect, there was beauty in the wildness. Nature had been left to her own designs, free to grow where she chose, and there was something delightfully extravagant about that. Even in the dead of winter, the gardens pulsated with aliveness.

They walked through the woods, retracing the steps Pixie had taken over a hundred years before, but only this morning. The trees had looked different in the moonlight. Pixie would have had to follow her intuition had it not been for Tabitha who knew the way.

As they neared the hidden priest hole, Pixie felt the energy change. The air grew colder and the light dimmed. It was as if a cloud had passed in front of the sun, even though the sky was clear. Tabitha felt the heavy energy too and stayed close to Pixie. She was excited that she’d been included in the adventure and was determined to be useful.

Tabitha led Pixie to the place where she’d seen Felix. They didn’t have to search for the hole, for Felix himself was there to show them. He stood in front of a tangled thicket of blackberry bushes in his sailor pyjamas, blinking at them impassively, as if unsurprised to see them there. His feet were bare, but, just like Tabitha had said, he didn’t seem to feel the cold. Pixie’s heart flooded with pity, but also relief, for the last time she had seen him he’d disappeared into the ground, and she had walked away. Now he was standing before her, as if it had never happened.

She peered into the thorny brambles. The priest hole was in the centre of it somewhere. They’d have to get a digger to find it, because it was too prickly with thorns to clear by hand. It was heartbreaking to think of Felix’s bones lying undiscovered for over a century in that damp and lonely place. She’d suggest they fill it in and give it a headstone. Perhaps ask the vicar to come and say a few words. It would be nice to give Felix Pengower a proper burial.

But, right now, he needed to go home, with his mother.

Tabitha took Pixie’s hand. Her heart was beating so loudly she feared Felix would hear it. Felix appeared not to, however. He was looking at Pixie, his expression one of curiosity. Tabitha wondered if it was because of her pink hair.

‘Felix,’ said Pixie. ‘I’ve come to show you the way home.’

Felix frowned. ‘I am home.’

‘This was once your home. Do you remembering falling down a hole?’ she asked.

Felix looked into the bush then back at Pixie. ‘I was making a den,’ he said happily. ‘Daddy says I make a good mole.’

‘I think you make a very good mole. But now you need to come with me. Your mother is waiting for you.’

He frowned, uncertain suddenly. ‘She was over there.’ He pointed in the direction of the cottage and his face grew serious.

‘She’s not there any more, Felix. She’s waiting for you in the house, and I’m going to bring her to you now.’

He looked nervous. ‘Will she be cross with me?’ he asked.

‘She won’t be cross, Felix. There’s nothing to be cross about. Your mother loves you with all her heart. She’s been waiting for you for a very long time.’

Pixie closed her eyes and thought of Cordelia Pengower. She did not need to go to the house or take Felix with her, for Cordelia and Felix, as spirits, existed beyond time and space. All she had to do was reach out to her with her mind and ask her to come.

Pixie took three deep breaths and imagined Cordelia as she had seen her in Felix’s bedroom, enveloped by grief and self-loathing. Tied to the earth by the weight of her guilt and regret. With all the energy she could muster, Pixie called to her with her inner voice, willing her to connect. Cordelia. Cordelia. Cordelia. Pixie envisaged a light emanating from her heart and expanding out towards Cordelia. She imagined it filling Felix’s bedroom until everything in it was bathed in a golden radiance. Bathed in love. Cordelia. Cordelia. Cordelia. Pixie thought of Cavill and her light grew. She thought of Felix and it grew brighter still. She called to her again. Cordelia. Cordelia. Cordelia.

At last she heard a voice, so distant, it sounded like a faint echo. I am here.

Pixie held on to the vision. Cordelia. I’ve found your son. I’ve found Felix. You must come to him now. He’s waiting for you. Here in the wood. He fell down a priest hole. He followed you to the cottage and fell down a hidden hole in the ground. But he’s here, and he’s well. You must let the past go now, Cordelia. It’s time to move on. Time to forgive yourself. Time to go home, together. Come.

Pixie heard the echo of Cordelia’s voice once again. I am not worthy. I have done terrible things. You have no idea. I am not worthy of forgiveness.

I know what happened that night, and it wasn’t your fault. There is only one person who must find it in their heart to forgive, and that’s you. You must forgive you. The only thing holding you to the earth plane is guilt. Let it go. It has no place where you’re going. You cannot take it with you. You must let it go. Just let it go. Focus on the love, Cordelia. Let love carry you to your son. To Felix. Love will take you to him. He’s waiting for you. So come.

There was a pause, and then a quiet sob. Pixie sensed Cordelia was finally going to open up. That she was ready to unburden herself.

I have done terrible things , she repeated in a voice so quiet Pixie could barely hear her. I must pay for my transgressions with suffering.

There is only forgiveness, Cordelia.

I killed Felix. Me, who loved him the most.

You didn’t kill him. It was an accident. You couldn’t have known.

You know nothing about it. Nothing. You do not know what I did and what I am paying for.

I know that you sneaked out of the house through the secret door in the library.

You know about that?

I do. I know that Felix followed you because you left the door ajar. He wasn’t afraid of the dark, in fact, he loved playing in tunnels. He was pretending to be a mole, scampering along it.

You know that too? What else do you know?

I know that he followed you to the cottage in the woods.

Yes. He must have followed me to the cottage and seen everything. But I didn’t know. I didn’t hear him. I didn’t see him. I should have sensed my son out there in the night. In the darkness. Lost. I cannot live with the pain of knowing that it was my fault. I want to stop the pain, but I cannot.

You must let it go …

I searched the wood the following day when we discovered he was missing. But I couldn’t reveal why I believed him to be there. I should have owned up, but I did not. I couldn’t admit to knowing or I would betray myself and … I loved a man who wasn’t my husband. Do you know that?

Pascoe Bray. And you were pregnant with his child. I know that too.

You seem to know it all. But you do not know everything.

Then tell me. I’m not here to judge you but to help you find peace.

My husband knew that the baby growing inside me was not his. He sent me to a nunnery, claiming I had gone mad with grief after losing Felix. I languished alone for five months and then gave birth there in secret. Ivan gave my child to Pascoe on the condition that he left St Sidwell and never returned. I mourned my baby with all my heart because he might as well have been dead. I lost two children, you see. Two …

Pixie was astonished that the baby had survived. She had assumed, because it wasn’t included on the family tree in the book Bruce had found, that it had died. It’s all in the past, Cordelia. You must let it go.

Cordelia laughed bitterly. How could you possibly understand? It is not so easy to let these things go. You know nothing of my greatest sin.

What is that? Pixie couldn’t imagine what else there could be.

There was a long pause, and then Cordelia finally reached the core of her anguish.

I hanged myself.

Pixie was astounded. The light in which she held Cordelia inflated with compassion. You hanged yourself? Oh, Cordelia …

I could not live after I had lost everything, you see. After I had lost Felix, the man I loved, and our child, a boy. A little boy. I could not live after my baby had been taken away from me. Only poor Robert remained but he clung to his father. I was alone. I had no one. This house became a prison and I a prisoner in it. There was only one way to escape. To be free from the pain.

But it didn’t free you. It anchored you to the earth.

Do you still not see? Cordelia’s voice quivered with frustration. I did not deserve to be freed. I do not deserve to be freed now. I must pay the price for defying God and taking my own life. I must remain here. I am not worthy to go to God’s house. You think you know me, but you do not know me at all.

Pixie realised then that Cordelia was stuck in the house refusing to move on, not only because she believed herself guilty of causing Felix’s death, but also because she deemed herself unfit on account of taking her own life. For a God-fearing woman like her, suicide was one of the greatest sins, and she’d committed it. She did not believe herself worthy of God’s love, or His forgiveness. What she didn’t realise, however, was that she was worthy of both.

You must let it all go, Cordelia. Pascoe and your child are waiting for you. Felix is waiting for you. Come to Felix now and the light will find you. It’s a fallacy that suicide is against God’s will. God is love. The only person condemning you, is you. Forgive yourself and go in love into the light. You will see that there is nothing but love there. Trust me, Cordelia. You have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Tabitha stood very still. She didn’t want to frighten Felix away. She held Pixie’s hand and glanced up to see that her eyes were closed, but her eyeballs were moving very fast behind the lids. Tabitha wondered what she was doing. But then she knew, for another figure slowly materialised in front of them. Tentative at first, then with more confidence, a woman in a long black dress and veil appeared. The energy around her was so dark that Tabitha could scarcely make her out. She looked like a funnel of black smoke. Tabitha could see, however, the glimmer of tears behind the veil, like tiny stars twinkling through it.

Pixie opened her eyes and watched as Cordelia became aware of her son. With a cry, she put out her arms and Felix ran into them. She pulled him against her, burying her face in his hair. I’m sorry , she whispered, holding him tightly. I’m so sorry. The child wrapped his arms around her and seemed to melt into her.

The love that radiated from them burned away the darkness. Like sun dissolving fog, it emanated from them, and around them, filling the wood and everything in it. Cordelia shed her darkness like ashes falling away and revealing a beautiful golden phoenix beneath. The golden brilliance of Cordelia’s soul.

Cordelia turned to Pixie. Who are you? she asked. I know you.

A friend , Pixie replied. Then she opened her hand and revealed the locket.

As the light grew brighter, so bright that Tabitha and Pixie had to close their eyes and shield them with their arms, Pixie heard Cordelia’s voice for the last time, so faint that it might have been a slip of wind through the branches.

Hermione Swift.

Tabitha waited until the light had gone then she tentatively put down her arm and opened her eyes. She was still holding on to Pixie’s hand, squeezing it so tightly it had gone white. The wood looked different. The heavy energy had lifted and sunbeams streamed through the trees, softly luminous. The darkness had gone.

‘You did it,’ she whispered to Pixie. ‘And I saw it happen.’

Pixie smiled down at Tabitha. ‘I’m so glad you did,’ she replied. ‘It’s a true gift to witness spirits moving into the light.’

‘Are they in Heaven now?’

‘They’re in spirit. What happens after that, I don’t pretend to know. They’re on the next stage of their journey, and my job is done.’

‘Does that mean you’ll leave now?’

Pixie laughed. ‘I’ll leave after you’ve shown me the garden.’

Tabitha looked downhearted. ‘Will you come back?’

‘If you want me to.’

‘I do,’ Tabitha replied. ‘I want you to very much.’