Chapter 3 Dominic
Dominic
This was the riskiest part of the plan.
I hadn’t gone into business simply to get to this moment. I might be unhinged where Ryan was concerned, but I wasn’t completely insane. Yes, starting the company with Taff had been a large part of my plan to win Ryan back, but not in this way.
I couldn’t lie though—time alone with him was a wonderful side benefit.
At least, it would be if I could get Ryan to talk to me. He’d followed me from the conference room to his car in complete silence. Every attempt I’d made at small talk had gone completely ignored.
Guilt niggled at me as I chanced a sideways glance at him.
His knuckles were white on the steering wheel, a muscle jumping in his tight jaw.
I knew he probably thought I was fucking with his career by doing this, but I truly wasn’t.
Ryan already had the business with Blackthorn.
He could’ve told me to fuck off and die before driving away.
Hell, he could’ve hit me with his car then reversed over me for good measure, and we’d still be signing on the dotted line.
A good man would tell him that and not force him to sit through lunch with someone he clearly detested. But I wasn’t a good man.
I was a desperate one.
“Did you really take a bullet to save Taff?”
I whipped my head around as Ryan’s question pierced the silence. “What?”
He didn’t look at me. With how intently he was watching the road, you’d think we were on a country lane during a blizzard, as opposed to the sunny A-road we were actually traversing. “Did you know someone was shooting at Taff?”
“Yes.”
Something about my answer seemed to upset Ryan. “And your response was to jump in front of it?”
I winced. I fucking hated how people said shit like that. Like I’d wanted to be a hero, rather than just doing what I’d been trained to do. “Technically, I tried to push him out of the way and got hit.”
“But you knew there was a chance that would happen.”
I studied him closely. He might be better at hiding things now, but the telltale signs of stress were there—the tense lines in the corner of his eyes, the thinning of his lips, the red tint at the top of his ears.
“It was a warzone. There was always a chance of being hit by a bullet.”
Ryan didn’t speak again until we were parked outside a bistro-style restaurant. “Yet you chose to go there anyway.”
He got out of the car before I could respond. I stayed frozen where I was for a second, trying to figure out what precisely was getting to him. The answer didn’t come.
I darted out of the car and raced around to get in front of him. I stopped in the middle of the path, blocking him off. “Shadow, what’s upset you?”
“I’m not upset,” he lied, his eyes fixed on a point over my shoulder. “We should hurry if we don’t want to lose our table.”
I sighed as my fingers twitched at my side. Wanting to grab his chin again. To make him look at me. “You know what really fucked us over the first time?”
Ryan’s nostrils flared. “That you lied to me before vanishing for ten years?”
“Yes, but really it all boils down to one thing.”
“Lies.”
“Communication,” I corrected him quietly. “Yes, I lied. I hid things from you. But most of all, I didn’t communicate with you. That’s what really fucked us over. If I’d been open, if I’d told you everything, I don’t think that would’ve happened.”
Ryan’s nodded slowly. “No. It probably wouldn’t have.”
Fuck. His confirmation that we’d missed out on all those years threatened to break my already shattered heart all over again.
“That’s why we need to communicate this time,” I said, trying to focus on the now. I couldn’t change the past, but I could make sure it wasn’t repeated. “We won’t stand a chance if we don’t. So tell me what’s wrong.”
I raised my hand to touch his chin. I couldn’t help myself. Not having his eyes on me was fucking gutting me.
Ryan shoved my hand away and took a step back. He did finally look at me, but the ice in his eyes had me wishing he hadn’t. “What’s wrong is you thinking there’s a chance for us at all. We had a one-time fling when we were kids. That’s it. I’ve moved on and now you need to as well.”
My voice was hot as my temper rose. “A fling? You’re seriously going to reduce what we shared to that?”
He winced but smoothed it away. Fuck, I hated that.
Hated that I’d been the one to teach him to mask his true emotions.
I didn’t want him to fake it until he made it.
Not with me. “Even if there was more, it doesn’t matter now.
People break up all the time. Just because we were once…
something…it doesn’t mean we’re anything now. ”
The door behind us opened and a large group spilled out, their chatter sweeping over us. Ryan tensed before giving me the same professional smile he’d bestowed on Taff. “Lunch?”
I just nodded, stepping aside to let him pass as I willed my anger away. When we got to the door, I reached out to open it for him.
Ryan rolled his eyes as he stepped through. “More than capable of opening it myself, Dom.”
“Didn’t say you weren’t, Shadow.”
“You need to stop calling me that,” he said after we’d been seated and handed menus. “It’s not appropriate.”
“Because we’ve always been appropriate.”
Ryan’s fingers tightened on the menu. “We are now. Things are different. We’re different.”
“We are. I did exactly what you asked of me.”
That caught his attention. The weight of his gaze on me as he lowered the menu was heady. “What are you talking about?”
“You told me to grow up,” I said succinctly. “So I did.”
He blinked. “I said that?”
“Yes. Right before you broke my heart.”
Ryan’s lips parted. For a long moment we stared at each other. I didn’t try to hide anything. I let him see it all. The pain. The longing. The regret.
Our waiter appeared, notepad open and ready. “Good afternoon, gentlemen. What can I get you to drink?”
I ordered a beer, trying not to react when Ryan did the same. But after the waiter left, I couldn’t stop myself. “Taff said they have an excellent wine list here.”
“I don’t drink wine anymore.” Ryan was studying the menu again like it contained the world’s most fascinating literature. “At a normal business lunch, I wouldn’t have alcohol at all.”
I grinned. “I’m glad you’re able to relax around me.”
“Hardly.” He shot me a withering look that only had my grin growing. “More like I need alcohol to survive this conversation.”
His barb didn’t hurt. If anything, it gave me hope. My biggest fear had been that Ryan genuinely wouldn’t care about the past. That he’d reminisce about what we’d shared with an indulgent smile before asking me how the last decade had treated me.
But that wasn’t what had happened. Ryan couldn’t talk about what we’d been up to because it was too much of a reminder of how much we’d missed out on.
There was no reminiscing because it was too steeped in pain, just as it was for me.
He hadn’t let it go any more than I had. Ryan’s anger gave me one thing.
Hope.
It was all I needed to keep going.
“I don’t remember telling you to grow up,” Ryan said finally.
“I do.” I sat back in my chair and folded my hands on the table. “I remember every word.”
Ryan stared down at my clasped hands. “I thought I did too.”
I nudged his foot under the table. “It’s okay that you don’t. I wish you didn’t remember any of it. Hell, I wish it’d never happened.”
He met my gaze and gave me a half-smile. Maybe a quarter of one. Just enough to have my heart beating faster. “That makes two of us.”
We fell silent as the waiter delivered our drinks. When he left, Ryan sighed. “You’re not going to let this go until we talk about it, are you?”
“Nope.” I took a sip of my beer and wished I’d ordered something stronger.
“Still stubborn as a mule,” Ryan muttered, slumping back in his chair. “Fine. Let’s hear it.”
My lips twitched. “Just like that?”
“May as well.” He shrugged as though this meant nothing to him. And he called me a liar. “Don’t tell me you haven’t got a speech prepared. With all the trouble you’ve gone to, you’d have to be stupid not to.”
“The past would definitely call me an idiot.” I sat forward and rested my elbows on the table. In all my fantasies, I’d been on my knees for Ryan. Or had him on my lap. Pinned against a wall. Not in a single one had there been a table between us and multiple witnesses.
But this worked too. Frankly, I’d take whatever Ryan was willing to offer me.
“I was an idiot,” I said bluntly. “I should’ve told you about signing up as soon as we agreed to be together. Keeping that from you was wrong and cowardly.”
Ryan’s eyes widened. “Uh…that’s not what I thought you were going to say.”
No, I didn’t imagine it was. But I wasn’t about to try and gaslight the man I loved.
I’d been in the wrong, and I’d admit every part of it.
“I’m not done either. I broke your trust by telling Max about us.
And then every day after that by not telling you what I’d done.
Knowing what I do now, how much that hurt you, I regret it. More than you’ll ever know, Shadow.”
His hands were trembling on the tablecloth. I itched to take them in mine. To soothe his anxiety.
Noticing where my gaze was focused, Ryan cleared his throat and moved his hands out of sight under the table. “Not that it matters, but…why did you tell him?”
“On the contrary, I think it matters a lot,” I said softly. “Especially because I suspect that’s what hurt you the most.”
He laughed bitterly. “You’re wrong there, but go on.”
I reeled internally. Me telling Max wasn’t what had hurt him the most?
Then what the fuck was?
It was on the tip of my tongue to demand that he tell me. The old Ryan might’ve caved and confessed. This one would throw his drink in my face and storm out. I wouldn’t judge him for it either. The old Dominic would’ve done it regardless. But like I’d said, Ryan wasn’t the only one who’d changed.
“I told him because I thought it was the right thing to do.” I held up a hand to halt Ryan’s protests.
“I was wrong; I know that now. Back then, I wanted to protect Max’s feelings.
There was no way he wasn’t going to notice how much time we were spending together without becoming suspicious.
I thought it was better coming from me than him finding out another way. ”
Ryan rolled his eyes. “Of course that’s what you were worried about. Fuck what you promised me, can’t have precious Max being upset.”
Once, I would’ve defended my friend. But with what he’d put Ryan through…what we both had, Ryan was entitled to be pissed off.
“I was wrong,” I repeated softly. “I shouldn’t have told him. Or, I should’ve discussed it with you first. I broke your trust and outed you. I’m sorry, Ryan.”
“It’s not that you outed me,” he said with a slight tremble in his voice. “I don’t give a shit about that. But Max? Really? How could you? How could you have told him about our first kiss? Our first time together?”
“I didn’t tell him about the B&B, I swear.” Ryan scoffed but I pressed on. “You don’t have to believe me, but I’m telling you now that I didn’t tell him about anything that happened between us aside from the fact that we kissed after Amy’s party and were together. That was it.”
Ryan leaned closer, lowering his voice to a whisper. “Then explain how he knew you fucked me after the festival? Huh?”
My skin heated at his words. At how he described it.
I hadn’t fucked him, I’d made love to him.
But if that was how Ryan wanted to remember it to make himself feel better, I’d swallow my pride and ignore it.
“He guessed, Ryan. Correctly. He never asked me, and I wouldn’t have confirmed it if he had. ”
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because when Max told me what he’d said to you, I broke his nose.”