1. Ryan
Ryan
AGED EIGHTEEN
Someone needed to tell all those song writers that they were wrong.
Being a teenager fucking sucked. There was no teen spirit. There were no fucking kicks.
Unless you counted the ones currently landing on my back.
“Fucking nerd.”
“So pathetic.”
“Kick him harder. I wanna hear him squeal.”
I gritted my teeth as a boot slammed into my kidneys.
Fuuuck. A small whimper escaped, but it was lost among the jeers.
I had no idea how many of them there were.
One of them had grabbed me from behind as I’d been walking to English Lit.
They’d covered my mouth, dragged me back here, and proceeded to kick the shit out of me.
No idea why. Somehow, I suspected it was connected to Max. It always was.
We’d been identical once upon a time. When we were kids, it was cute. Mum had dressed us the same. We’d been close. Inseparable, in fact.
Seemed strange to think of it now.
Everything had changed when we’d hit secondary school. Max had had a growth spurt and developed a massive helping of confidence alongside it.
Both of which had eluded me entirely.
Suddenly Max was dressing differently. He had new hobbies. A whole new group of friends. A new best friend.
He didn’t have room in his life for me. Not now he had Dominic.
Dominic. He didn’t like me, and the feeling was fucking mutual. He never missed an opportunity to put me down. To remind me that he was now the most important person in my twin’s life, not me.
I hated him. I hated how he smirked whenever I caught his eye. How he and my brother shared a thousand inside jokes. How he could walk into a room and capture everyone’s attention. I hated his stupid height and his stupid big muscles. I especially hated how green his eyes were.
I mean, they had flecks of gold in them. Who the fuck had eyes like that? It wasn’t fair. It was disgusting really. No one should be allowed to be as handsome as Dominic fucking Walker.
The worst part was that, like Max, he knew he was hot. The two of them used it to their advantage, charming everyone around them. There was nothing the two of them couldn’t talk their way out of or into.
Everything in life came easily for those two.
Even when karma for the bullshit they pulled arrived, it didn’t come for them.
It came for me.
The kicks stopped and a rough hand grabbed my collar. Nicotine-stained teeth sneered at me. “Tell your brother that this is what happens when he fucks my girl.”
I rolled my eyes internally. Part of me wanted to laugh in his face at the idea that Max would give two shits about anything that happened to me. I couldn’t remember the last time we’d exchanged more than a handful of words. Not ones that weren’t spiteful, anyway.
But I said nothing. Like always, I was too afraid to speak.
Just stay quiet and they’ll leave you alone.
It had been my mantra for a long time. Ever since the day I’d realised preferring books to football was enough of a reason for people to taunt me. Or that me enjoying home tech was a good excuse for boys to use me as a punching bag.
The less said about my art the better.
The bullying hadn’t stopped me doing the things I enjoyed, but it had taught me to hide them. To keep anything that made me happy to myself so it couldn’t be taken away from me.
That was how I got through my days. Head down. Feet moving silently. Praying no one would take a second look at me.
I’d hoped sixth form would be better, but it was just the same old bullshit. Only differences here were the names of those delivering the hits and the reasons behind it.
Fucking Max. Unlike me, he didn’t have any issues getting girls. Why was he going after taken ones?
A final kick landed on my ribs. “Make sure the fucker knows the price. If Max goes near my girl again, we’ll knock the shit outta you.”
Internally, I rolled my eyes again. Hadn’t they already done that?
Externally though, I didn’t move. Didn’t make a sound. Just kept my eyes tightly scrunched closed until long after their footsteps had faded away into nothing.
Coward.
Even my inner voice hated me. I hated me.
I hated that I didn’t have my brother’s easy charm. That I couldn’t replicate Dominic’s confidence. I hated that, while they got to swan through life getting off scot-free, I couldn’t. I didn’t.
Really, what I hated most was that I didn’t stand up for myself. That I was weak. A pushover. That I just lay there and took it. That I knew I wouldn’t report it. That I’d lie about the bruising, not to protect them, but out of shame.
I hated that I was an easy target. Because make no mistake, that was precisely why they’d targeted me over my brother.
Max might’ve been the one to fuck up, but he was also the twin to fight back. He always did. Never alone either—Dominic always threw himself into the fray at his side. It had only happened occasionally, but it had sent a message loud and clear.
Max and Dominic were untouchable.
Shame the same courtesy hadn’t been extended to me.
Not once had either of them stood up for me. A single word from them and the bullying would’ve stopped.
But they didn’t speak up. I wasn’t even sure if they knew the full extent of what was happening, to be honest. Or maybe they did, but they just didn’t care enough to step in.
I didn’t know which was worse.
I sat up gingerly. Nausea rolled through me and the ground seemed to tilt. Muscles hurt in places I hadn’t even realised I had muscles.
Fuck .
I breathed in and out through my nose. Do not cry. Do not fucking cry, Ryan.
I didn’t try to stand until I was certain I could move without throwing up. Straightening my lanky frame with a hiss, I wished once more that I had my brother’s bulk. While my growth spurt had eventually hit, it hadn’t done the same for my physique as it had for Max’s.
Mind you, that probably had more to do with my avid dislike for the gym. Max and his ever-faithful companion might spend all their spare time there, but it wasn’t for me.
I had my books. My cooking. My art.
It didn’t get me laid or stop the bullies, but it was enough. It had to be.
Just six more months and you’ll be at university.
I inhaled deeply, ignoring the shooting pain in my ribs. I could do this. I just had to get through the rest of this academic year, survive the summer holidays, and then I’d be at uni. I’d be free.
Free to reinvent myself. Free to make friends. Free to live a life without everyone knowing there was a better, cooler, more fun version of me they could hang out with.
It’d just be me. No bullies. No Max.
And, best of all, no Dominic.
I took one step towards my class and stopped with a wince. Nope. Walking was a bad idea…which meant sitting in class was a no-go until I’d checked out the damage. The last thing I needed was some do-gooder teacher trying to interfere. That would lead to questions I had no answers to.
Sure, I could tell the truth. But you want to know where that gets you?
Right back on the floor, with more boots to your ribs. Been there. Done that.Say what you wanted about me, but I didn’t make the same mistake twice.
I managed to walk by doingsome weird shuffle move. It pulled on my lower back but didn’t make me want to vomit.
Got to take the wins where you find them.
It took an agonisingly long time, but eventually I reached the boys’ toilets. Tears pricked at my eyes as I used my injured shoulder to push the heavy door open. Do not fucking cry.
Thankfully, the toilets were empty. I hobbled over to one of the sinks and peered in the dirty mirror.
Relief flooded me at the sight that stared back. The foetal position appeared to have protected my face. My skin was red and blotchy, but other than that it was fine.
That was where my luck ended though. I peeled up my shirt and twisted as much as I could to see the damage to my back and side.
Fuck.
My skin was a canvas of blue, red, and, purple. If I twisted far enough, I could make out a distinct boot mark right over my kidneys.
Great. Just fucking great. Now I’d have to start praying I didn’t start pissing blood. This was bad enough without needing to get a doctor involved.
I let go of a shirt with a sigh and braced my arms on the sink. I stared hollowly at the man in the mirror. The boy, really. I might be eighteen now, but adulthood felt a million light years away.
“You’re fucking pathetic,” I hissed. “It’s no wonder you’ve got no friends.”
My reflection stared back at me. I didn’t fight back, not even against myself.
“Even your own brother hates you,” I whispered. “You’re weak. A joke. No one wants you. No one.”
The tears I’d fought so hard against earlier threatened again. I didn’t know why I was doing this. I never used to. It was like the vitriol in my head had built up over the years, and I had no way to release it.
So this was how I did it. In a mirror. Reminding myself of what a fucking failure I was. Hoping that, if I set the words free, they’d stop haunting me.
It never worked.
More were building up already. They were bouncing against the walls of my brain, begging to be set free. Weak. Pathetic. Alone. Disgusting. Failure.
I was about to give them what they demanded when the door crashed open. I hurriedly dropped my head, flicking on the taps.
Heavy, booted footsteps strolled casually across the floor. My stomach twisted as I tried to make myself as small as possible.
Please don’t be those fuckers back for more.
“Whatcha skulking in here for, Shadow?”
Dominic.
My stomach stopped twisting and fell right through my fucking feet. Could be worse, I supposed. At least it was just him and not Max too. “I’ve told you not to call me that.”
He chuckled, stopping right beside me. “And I’ve told you that no one orders me around. Not even you, Shadow.”
My knuckles whitened as I clutched the sink. He’d given me the cruel nickname not long after he and Max became friends. I’d made the mistake of tailing after them, trying desperately to fit in with them. To keep up.
After a couple of weeks, Dominic had spoken to Max like I wasn’t even there. “Can’t we get rid of this fucking shadow?”
I’d frozen, waiting for my twin to defend me. But he hadn’t.
No, he’d just shifted uncomfortably, his eyes darting between us. It was easy to spot the moment he chose Dominic. A cruel smirk had appeared on his face, one I’d never seen before.
“Go away, Ryan,” he’d said. “Fuck off and find your own friends. We don’t want you tagging along after us all the time.”
That had been five years ago. Max’s words hadn’t only put a stop to me following them around.
They’d irrevocably changed our relationship too.
Despite the distance I gave them, Dominic insisted on continuing with that stupid fucking nickname. It set my teeth on edge. Made me wish I was bigger. Braver. Strong enough to smack him in his too-perfect mouth and make him regret making me ever feel small.
But I was none of those things. I didn’t think I ever would be.
“What’s the matter with you, Shadow?” Dominic drawled. He leaned on the sink next to me, hands deep in his pockets. “Shouldn’t you be in class?”
I turned the tap off and shook my hands. The dryers in here hadn’t worked in months, and paper towels? Forget it. The couple of packs that had been put in here at the start of September had been gone by the second week.
According to the government, all schools and colleges received the same level of funding. Based on the ramshackle state of our sixth form, I was calling bullshit.
Apparently I was also calling bullshit on Dominic. “You’re supposed to be in class too.”
Another chuckle. “You’re feisty today. And unlike you, I’m on a free.”
I eyed him from the corner of my eye. With Dominic, I found it was better not to look at him straight on. The guy was like a fucking predator. One sniff of challenge and he’d pounce. “How d’you know I’m supposed to be in class?”
“Doubt you’ve got any frees with the amount of A-levels you’re taking. Smart boy like you should be in class, not lurking in the loos.”
Boy. My hands trembled with fury, but I kept my chin tucked to my chest. “I’m the same age as you.”
He crossed his legs at the ankles, reclining against the edge of the sink. “In years, sure. But let’s be real, Ry. I’m miles older in terms of experience.”
I thought about the different girls he had on his arm every day. He was as bad as Max. Worse, even.
“You are still a virgin, aren’t you?” he teased.
I stayed silent, not giving him the ammunition he wanted.
Dominic sighed suddenly, then turned to study his reflection in the mirror and fuss with his hair.
The dark locks were arranged to look like he’d just rolled out of bed.
It was all a pretence. I knew from the many times he’d stayed at ours just how long it took him to cultivate that look.
“You know, you might be less uptight if you got laid.”
I quivered with anger. Like it was that fucking easy. Did Dominic truly think I liked living my life this way? “Thanks for the advice.”
The fucker winked at me in the mirror. “Just call me your fairy godmother.”
I rolled my eyes, so ready to be done with this conversation. Grabbing my bag from the floor, I forgot about the bruises as I slung it onto my shoulder. A hiss slid from my lips before I could stop it.
Twats. I was going to be feeling this one for weeks. I just knew it.
Dominic’s reflection had frozen mid-movement, a strand of hair between his fingers. His dark eyes were intently focused on me.
Whatever. He was probably working out which angle to take next. Dominic was the king of finding my weaknesses and putting them on show.
I wasn’t hanging around to see what flaw he was about to expose this time.
“See you around,” I muttered.
I felt Dominic’s gaze on me through the mirror all the way out the door.