20. Ryan
Ryan
Despite my fears, Max behaved himself for the next few weeks. Even with Dominic refusing the offered cigarettes, Max didn’t say a word.
Not in front of me, at least.
I think it helped that I tried to give them time to themselves. Whenever Dominic invited me to game with them, I declined before Max could pitch a fit. Hard as it was to willingly give up time with Dominic, I didn’t want to come between the two of them.
Most of all though, I was scared of the way Max watched me sometimes. There was a coldness in his eyes that didn’t exist before. A brooding, thoughtful look whenever he caught Dominic and me interacting.
I didn’t think he was going to attack me or anything like that. Not physically, anyway. But with eighteen years of living under the same roof as him, I didn’t trust him not to interfere in other ways.
Dominic might’ve hoped we could grow closer as siblings, but he hadn’t accounted for Max’s stubbornness. It wasn’t just their stubbornness the two of them shared, but their possessiveness.
Max always hated to share his toys with me when we were younger. Apparently the same principle applied to Dominic now.
That wasn’t to say I wasn’t spending lots of time with Dominic.
I was.We sat together on the bus and at lunch.
He met me outside each of my classes. He was in my bed every night.
I was at the chippy during all of his shifts.
He walked my paper round with me, our hands entwined.
Took me twice as long, but I didn’t care.
It could take all night if it meant Dominic was next to me.
Even when I had to revise during my free periods and after school, Dom was there. I’d given up asking him if he was meant to be in class. He never gave me a straight answer, more often than not kissing my questions away until I forgot what we’d been talking about in the first place.
Summer was officially here, which meant one thing.
Exams were around the corner.
As I had been every day for the last week, I was sat at my desk. Notes, flashcards, and textbooks were scattered across the surface. My hands were stained with ink, but I barely noticed. “Ask me the next one.”
Dominic was lying on his front on my bed, frowning at one of the brightly coloured flashcards I’d handed him. “What is stratified sampling?”
“Umm…something to do with population sampling.” I rubbed at my forehead. “Is it sampling in proportion to subgroups within a population?”
“Yes!” Dominic fist-pumped the air, making me grin. He did it every time I got a question right, and every time, it made my stomach flip. “Okay, what’s one advantage of stratified sampling?”
This one I knew. “It improves representativeness.”
Dominic snorted. “That’s a mouthful.”
“That’s what he said.”
“Hey.” He wiggled his brows at me. “I’m at least two mouthfuls.”
I stretched until my back cracked. “Was that the last one?”
“Yup.” He stacked the cards neatly together and handed them back. “You’re going to smash your mock, Shadow. Don’t worry about it.”
“Easy for you to say,” I muttered, turning back to the textbook. “You weren’t the muppet who decided a statistics A level would be a good idea.”
There was a creak of bed springs and then Dominic’s hands were on my shoulders. I gave a small groan as his talented fingers sought out knots and rubbed them away. “Is it such a bad thing if it goes poorly? It’s not like it’s going to help with your art career.”
I scowled down at a particularly tricky equation. “I’m not going into art.”
Dominic’s hands froze. “What?”
I spun the chair so I was facing him. “I thought I’d told you this.”
“Nope.” Deep lines were carved into Dominic’s brow. “Why aren’t you going into art? You’re so talented. You take all those extra classes down at the community centre.”
I shrugged, feeling self-conscious. “I’m okay, but I’m nothing special. And it takes special to make money, Dom.”
“Is making money more important than doing something you love?”
I laughed bitterly, shoving backwards so I could stand up.
And pace. Something about this conversation meant that was necessary.
“Come on, Dom. Don’t stand there and pretend people like us can afford to have dreams. Not ones where we can’t guarantee the bills being paid or having food on the table. ”
Dominic rubbed at his chin, staring off into space. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”
I stopped in front of him as what I’d said hit me. Dominic doesn’t have food on his table now. “Shit, Dom, that wasn’t a criticism of your dad.”
He got to his feet and tugged me into his arms. Kissing my temple, he sighed. “You can criticise my dad, Shadow. Fuck knows he deserves it. And you’re right, we should want more for ourselves. I just don’t see why that ‘more’ can’t be found in art.”
“It’s just not smart.”
“Fuck being smart. What do you want? In your dream world, what would you be doing?”
“Well, art, obviously.”
“Then there’s your answer.”
I pushed out of his hold in frustration. “You make it sound so easy. You think I can just chase my dream and make it happen? Life doesn’t work like that, Dom.”
“Yes, it does.” He crowded close to me again, his hand going to my throat. Instantly I felt my body relax. “We don’t quit, Ry. Ever.”
“Then why aren’t you chasing your dream career?”
The flicker in Dom’s eyes was so brief I might’ve missed it. But I didn’t. “It’s not the same thing. I don’t have a grand passion like you. I want better for myself, of course I do. You think I like living on this piece-of-shit estate? Newsflash, Ry, I don’t.”
“Then why aren’t you going to uni?”
He released my throat and ran a hand through his hair. “Because my future isn’t going to be in an office, Ry. I’m not built for it.”
“You wouldn’t have to work in an office. There are so many different types of courses.”
“Courses that will land me in heaps of unnecessary debt.”
That wasn’t true either. “You’ll be entitled to grants. I’ve already started applying. I can talk you through it?—”
“Baby.” Dominic interrupted me, his hands encircling my hips. “Uni isn’t for me, okay?”
“Okay,” I said reluctantly. Really, I had no idea why I was pushing this.
Selfishly, part of me knew it would be easier for us to keep this going if Dom didn’t go to university.
Several that I’d applied to were in easy travelling distance from here.
If I chose one of those then we could see each other often.
But Dominic was smart. His GCSE results had been higher than mine. Going to uni wasn’t for everyone, but it was an easy way off this estate.
It was one of the main reasons I was going.
“I have plans,” Dominic said quietly, leaning his forehead against mine. “Dreams too. They don’t involve more bloody revising though.”
“Fair enough. What are they, then?”
Dominic hummed. “How about this? You apply for one art course, and I’ll tell you.”
I groaned. “That’s blackmail.”
“Well, we don’t give up,” he said with a grin. “Which includes me playing whatever card I can to get my way.”
“You don’t play fair.”
“Never have, never will.”
“Fine.” I sighed. “Main applications have closed, but I can apply through Clearing, I guess. Not until results day though.”
“That works.”
My lower lip jutted out. “Are you seriously going to make me wait until August?”
“Yep.” He bit my lip lightly. “There’s no rush, Ryan. We’ve got forever.”
Forever. I liked the sound of that. The hint that we had a future. That whatever Dom was planning, it would include me too.
Yeah, I definitely liked the sound of that.
A week later, my heart was racing as I made my way to the smoking area. Long gone were the days of me dragging my feet. If anything, I was having to force myself not to run. I didn’t want to give us away to our friends.
Well, Max mostly. I wouldn’t honestly care if the others knew.
As they had many times over the past few weeks, the nagging questions circled my mind.
Questions like: What if Dominic and I had met in a different way?
What would it be like if my brother wasn’t his best friend?
Or if we were on better terms? Would Dominic and I be out?
Holding hands at lunch instead of touching knees?
Kissing instead of pretending our friendship was barely surface level?
That sounded…well, awesome. Fucking great, to be honest. Sure, there’d probably be a few homophobic dicks around, but it wasn’t like they’d do anything. Not with Dominic’s reputation for punching first and asking questions later.
My grin faded into a scowl. I shouldn’t think about such things, because Max was there. He was part of our lives, whether I liked it or not. And while I didn’t really give a shit about him, I did care about Dominic.
Max being unhappy made Dominic unhappy.
Dominic was already there, sat beside Max.
They’d had class together immediately before this, which was why he hadn’t met me.
From how his gaze immediately found mine, he’d been watching for me though.
He straightened, waving enthusiastically as he grinned.
My own smile returned as I lifted my hand in greeting.
Fuck, we weren’t very good at hiding it. I could practically feel myself glowing as I approached the small group, barely paying attention to anything other than the gorgeous six-foot-four brunet perched next to my brother.
My scowling brother.
“Hi,” I said breathlessly, trying to ignore the hole Max’s eyes were burning into my face. I held up my statistics mock paper. “Sorry I’m late. Had to stay behind to get my test results.”
Dominic searched my face. “And?”
I chewed on my lip, trying to play it cool. As always with him, I failed. “I got an A!”
“Fuck yes, Shadow.” Dominic whooped, sliding off the fence. He grabbed me in a hug, spinning me around. A giddy laugh bubbled from me. “I knew you could do it. Didn’t I say?”
“You have way too much faith in me,” I said as he returned me to the ground. “Fuck, dizzy.”
Dominic’s hands went to my hips to steady me. “Shit, sorry. Guess I got carried away there.”
“Guess you did.” Max’s frosty tone had us both freezing. “How come you’re not spinning the rest of us around when we get a good grade?”
Dominic cleared his throat as he reluctantly removed his hands. “Well if that ever happens, I’ll give you the same treatment.”
Max muttered something under his breath. I ignored him, trying to quell the resentment that was building up inside me.
It was hard not to hate Max sometimes. If it weren’t for him, Dominic and I wouldn’t have to hide. Neither of us had bothered discussing whether to tell him.
There was no point when we both knew how poorly it would go.
More questions I wanted to ignore circled in my mind. Where does that leave us in the future? Will we always be hiding what we are? What if Max never accepts us?
What if Dominic has to choose between me and Max?
My stomach was churning as I hauled myself onto the rail beside Dom. His shoulders were turned away slightly as he and Max fell into conversation. For once, his knee wasn’t pressed against mine. He was keeping a careful distance. Like me, he’d probably noticed Max’s suspicions.
I shouldn’t have hated the effort he was making to conceal us. It was what we both wanted.
Is it?
I swallowed hard, trying to find the quiet joy I’d felt earlier. The satisfaction of getting a good grade. But it was nowhere to be found. All that remained was that final question.
What if Dominic has to choose between me and Max?
That wouldn’t happen. It couldn’t.
Because I knew who Dominic would choose.
Dominic might be mine now, but he was Max’s first.
Was this how our relationship was always going to be? Hiding in the shadows, unable to stand in the light?
Suddenly, I was scared to find out.