Chapter 6 #2
As the bartender approached, a different type of guilt overwhelmed me.
I thought of my sweet mom and worried dad, trying to keep me safe, trying to help me because they were my parents even though I was grown and made my own dumb decisions.
I thought of him. He’d be so pissed at me for allowing myself to fall so deep into despair that I’d tried to end it. He would never let me drink again.
The bartender had taken my friends’ drink orders and was waiting on mine.
“Fuck,” I muttered. “Just give me a Coke.” He nodded and headed off to get the drinks.
Chris and Derrick just stared at me in confusion.
I looked at them, then looked down. “I wanted a drink but . . . I’ve had some issues with alcohol lately.
It just, it puts me in a bad headspace. I know I probably shouldn’t.
My mom . . .” I trailed off and stared at the bottles lining the wall behind the bar, just to avoid their eyes.
Even in my peripheral vision, I could see that they looked horrified.
“Fuck, man!” Derrick cried, “Why didn’t you say anything?
We could have gone fishing at the lake or something.
We didn’t have to come to a damn bar.” I glanced over, and he looked like he felt he was the shittiest person in the world.
“Hey, it’s cool,” I said. “You guys didn’t know.
It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I thought I wanted a drink, and I thought I could handle it, but I know I probably shouldn’t tempt fate.
I’m okay. I’m happy to be hanging out with you guys again, so let’s just have a good time.
” I would try to have a good time, for them.
We took our drinks back to their table, and in the dim light and relaxed atmosphere, I started to feel a little better.
A pop song came on and some of the younger patrons were filtering onto the dance floor while the older crowd was complaining about the music.
As I listened, amused, to the complaints, suddenly the words “fucking freak” pricked my ears.
I glanced over at the bar, where the voice had come from, at the end nearest the door.
I immediately recognized Jaron and Tanner from the basketball team.
They looked like they’d just come in from work without bothering to change.
They were rough looking and kind of dirty.
They already looked like old drunks even though they were the same age as me.
Both Jaron and Tanner were glaring at the dance floor as they muttered to one another, annoyed, and I followed their eyes.
The entire world seemed to slow to a stop.
Holy shit. Was that really him? I knew it was, but my brain was having trouble wrapping around it.
I’d looked at him back then. There was no denying he had a pretty face, he always had.
Everyone knew that, even his haters. But now.
Now. Not being able to talk to him was going to hurt even worse.
It was also going to make it real hard to stay in the closet if I had to keep running into him looking like that.
His hair was a mess of light brown falling into his face without care as he danced. Those deep, crystal-blue eyes seemed to glow in the lights of the dance floor. The shirt he’d chosen highlighted the impressive arms and chest beneath it. And his ass in those jeans.
“Earth to Mason!” I jumped and blinked and looked at Chris, suddenly pulled from my mesmerized daze.
He glanced in the direction I’d been looking, then back to me.
I was pretty sure he knew who I’d been looking at, but he said nothing.
I suspected he saw me looking back in high school as well, but he’d never questioned it.
“I was saying,” he went on. “We should all go out on my dad’s new boat.
It’s nice. We can go fishing, bring some food, you know, make a day of it.
I think it’d be good for you to go out on the lake and get some fresh air. ”
I nodded, flustered over the fact I’d been caught staring at my old friend, who’d rightfully hated me since the day I’d humiliated him in front of the entire school instead of owning who I was and standing up for everyone like us.
“Sure. Yeah, that sounds great.” I fidgeted in my seat.
Chris drew the attention away from me and started talking to Derrick about our new plans.
I glanced over at Jaron and Tanner again.
They were still watching the group on the dance floor.
They were speaking so quietly I could no longer hear them, but they looked pissed, and still appeared to be homophobic assholes.
Unlike in high school, I was ready to stand up when I was needed, and I followed their eyes back to Elijah.
He was laughing with his friends and gulping down a beer as they cheered him on.
He was already stumbling a bit, but the group outnumbered the two assholes at the bar, so he was safe at the moment.
A scan of the group he was with let me know he’d kept most of his friends from high school.
Rory was front and center, but I recognized John from the science club, Jenna and Dinah from drama club, and Trevor, the first male cheerleader our school ever had.
He had been unapologetically out of the closet throughout high school, and fiercely protected from assholes like me by the entire cheerleading squad.
Since Elijah was surrounded by friends, I relaxed into my seat and rejoined the conversation with Derrick and Chris.
I occasionally glanced at the two dickheads I used to think were my friends, but they seemed to be doing little more than drunken complaining, so, keeping my ears tuned, I tried to enjoy my night.