Silent Gestures
Scarlett
Rain is back in the forecast for the next week.
It’s not unusual for November, but I’m not ready for the nice weather to leave.
Wind hits the back of my neck. My wet hair is contained in a clip.
I walk across campus to the lecture hall, constantly looking over my shoulder.
I feel uneasy, almost like I’m being watched.
There is no one behind me, but the whole situation with my mother has shot my nerves completely.
I’m surrounded by so many people in the halls, but I still feel so alone.
I open the lecture hall door and take a seat in my usual spot.
The room quickly fills as everyone takes their seats and pulls out their notebooks.
As I place my bag on the ground, my phone vibrates. I pick it up, turn my notifications off, and check my messages—two from Callum and one from Sophia.
I should answer Sophia, she hasn't done anything wrong. I pull up our conversation.
Sophia: Miss you. Can I bring you coffee later?
I know that even if I say no, she’ll likely show up. Deciding to text Sophia is the first step to get past this.
Scarlett: I’d love a coffee. After class?
I hit send before I can change my mind. Lately, I feel like I’m making decisions without even thinking about them. Even my usual anxiety never hinders me this much. Her response comes through fast.
Sophia: Can’t wait! XO See you soon.
I put my phone away. Professor Elliot lifts his briefcase onto the podium, before he pulls out his textbook and laptop. He scans the class, landing directly in my eye line. Our eyes meet. If I was into the whole ‘hot for teacher’ thing, I’d think he’s cute, but it’s never been my niche.
I react with a small, partly forced smile. He returns it, like it’s a habit.
“Good morning, everyone. I hope that you all did your readings.” He picks up the textbook.
“Today, we’re going back to different brain imaging techniques. Does anyone remember the different techniques that are used?”
Well, is he talking about in each State or in general? I raise my hand, along with a few others.
“Scarlett.” He looks at me.
“Well, Sir, here in the States our first options would be an MRI or CT scan. But in Europe, they tend to do an EEG with an MRI instead of the CT scan sometimes.” I didn’t have to read this week’s syllabus to know the answer to that—we’ve discussed this topic many times in various classes.
“Why do you think that is?” He leans against the podium, his hand brushing the stubble on his face.
“Well, we still do EEG’s here, but they are mainly used to test brain activity in real time.
Meanwhile, the CT scan is used more for diagnostics.
But with the EEG, the test can be impacted by exterior factors, like no sleep and various medications.
A CT scan focuses more on the anatomy of the brain instead of what’s going on inside of it.
I think that both have a purpose and are useful for different things.
Overall, an MRI is the standard practice.
” The words come out so easily, like they’re second nature to me at this point.
As someone who hated speaking up in the beginning of my program, finding my voice has boosted my confidence.
Today, I needed that.
“Exactly. Let’s dive into EEG’s first.” He sets his textbook down and opens his laptop.
The rest of class flies by. A few other students participate at times, but Professor Elliot looks to me for most answers. I don’t always want to speak, and sometimes I wish other people would step out of their comfort zones and engage more.
As class comes to an end, I gather my papers and laptop off the small desk attached to my chair. I throw my bag over my shoulder, my palms are sweaty. A hand reaches over me and holds the door open on my way out of class. I turn to see Professor Elliot.
“Oh, thank you,” I say with a smile.
“Thanks for the participation today, Scarlett. Good to have you back.” He looks over my shoulder, then disappears past me through the crowd of students. I look up and don’t see anyone directly in front of us, but I notice a tall figure with sandy hair, almost like Chase’s, briskly walking past.
I make my way across the courtyard to the coffee shop. Sophia sits at a table with both of our drinks. She frantically waves, then stands and embraces me with a tight hug. “Hi,” she says into my hair. Our hug is longer than usual.
“Hi,” I say back. She doesn’t know how much I needed this. Until now, I didn’t either.
I place my bag down on one of the seats and sit across from her, taking a sip of my coffee.
“Thanks for this. I needed it.” I take another sip.
“Anytime. How was class?” She picks up her iced concoction and stirs it with the straw.
“It was good actually.”
“Okay, we don’t do small talk. How are you? I wanted to give you space, but I’m worried Scar.” I know that it’s probably been hard for her to see me so closed off.
“I’m okay. I’m just going to class, going to the gym, and trying to focus on the good.” That’s a lie, I haven’t been able to box. I’ve walked into the gym a couple of times, but I keep giving up once I’m there. Maybe I’ll try again tomorrow. I know she isn’t buying it.
“Are you okay?” I want to say no but instead I nod. I don’t know how much she’s been told.
“I thought you would’ve heard all about it by now.”
“I begged for Harrison to tell me, but he wouldn’t budge. And Stirling said he didn’t know all the details. All he told me was that Vanessa was at the party… I’m sorry.”
“Ha!” I let out a sarcastic cackle. “At the party? No, she was working it, Soph.”
Sophia’s eyebrows dip as her face contorts.
“She’s a hooker or something I guess, Soph. My mother left us to be free and fuck men for money.”
“Jesus, are you sure?” She stutters.
“Well, unless you can think of another reason why she would be dancing naked at the party with men all around her and tassels on her nipples. It didn’t look like just stripping to me.
She didn’t look like someone there to dance, she looked like someone there to sell herself.
.. and it seemed like the men there already knew her and what to expect.
It’s not the job, I respect anyone who can do it.
It’s that she left us, Soph. And he didn’t even fucking tell me, yet he knew.
He. Knew. He fucking knew Soph. I opened up to him about my feelings and he kept that from me.
” Tears fill my eyes, but I don’t let them fall. Not today.
I don’t need to tell her who, she knows.
“Scar, I’m sorry. That’s really awful.” She grabs my hand.
“And the worst part is how much I miss Callum. This is why I didn’t want to start anything.
I should focus on what the hell I want to do after I graduate and the last thing I need to worry about is guy drama.
But I want to continue this, I just don’t know how.
” I pause for a minute, thinking about what I really want to say.
“I just feel like maybe I’m more into this than he is. ”
Sophia squeezes my hand. “I’m not taking his side, and you know that you’re my ride or die.
But do you think, maybe there’s a reason he didn’t tell you?
Guys like Callum don’t date, and they sure as hell don’t open themselves up, Scar.
It sounds like it wasn’t nothing to him.
I’m sure it will all come to the surface soon. ”
I have thought about that, but it still doesn’t excuse the lie.
“Yeah, I know. But it doesn’t mean that it’s okay. Where do we go from here? We aren’t even together, are we?” I look to her, hoping she can provide the answers but knowing that she can’t.
“Well, I think the first thing you need to do is talk to him. And I dare you to tell him that you aren’t together and see how he reacts to it—might get kind of steamy.”
I snort, she’s probably right.
“Thanks, Soph.”
“I’m here for you, always. We’re best friends, we don’t shut each other out.” She’s right.
“I know, I just needed some time to breathe.”
“I understand that. I’m sorry about Vanessa. I swear, when I see her again, I’m going to punch her for hiding all of this from you and Jake. What do you think is going on?”
“I have no clue, but I think Callum knows more. I guess I should talk to him sooner than later.”
“Yeah, I think so.” She takes a sip from her plastic straw.
I decide that I’m going to hit the gym tonight and ask Ricco for a round before I work on my paper. I walk out to my car, faster than normal. The wind feels stronger than this morning. My hair that has fallen from my clip swirls in the breeze as dead leaves dance to their own tune around me.
I can barely see my car in the distance, parked beside a streetlamp yet consumed by the evening’s shadows.
As I get closer, the street light flickers.
Although this aged campus is beautiful, it creeps me out sometimes.
There have been stories that different buildings on campus are haunted.
I usually don’t buy into them, but it’s evenings like this that make me question my beliefs.
There are other cars parked, but I don’t see anyone else in the lot.
I unlock the driver’s door and glance into the window. A single red rose lies on my seat.
Callum.
I pick up the rose, it’s free of thorns.
He’s taken them all off. I look around, expecting to see him. I don’t. While it doesn’t make everything okay, it’s a beautiful gesture.
I get in my car and can’t help but smile. The gym can wait, I know where to find him.