Vanya
VANYA
“YOU THINK YOU can tell me what you aren’t going to do?”
I looked into my brother’s face trying to understand what the world he was saying. He’d bust into my room spouting nonsense. It wasn’t the nicest room, but it was my tiny corner of this hellscape. With barely enough room for a dresser and my twin sized bed, our legs were almost touching despite how close he was to the door.
“Johnny why are you being like this?”
He stood up taller and faced me with the same posture that our father always had. He wore a polo style shirt and khakis with his curly hair slicked down on his head.
“You can’t be a good wife if this is how you’re going to behave.” His head shook in disappointment, the words he was saying confusing me. Despite having heard him, I was struggling to register what he meant.
“We are too young to get married and I don’t like anyone like that.”
“You don’t have to. We are going to marry each other.” He was blunt, as though the matter was already settled.
I blinked not understanding what he meant despite comprehending the words. “You’re my brother. This is nasty.”
“Dynasties of Egypt married brothers and sisters together. Besides, we don’t even share the same blood.” Johnny shrugged off my concerns in a way that told me they’d already been addressed and dismissed by someone with more authority over us. That was a problem. My life had always been planned out without my consent or my input. I’d been holding my breath until I hit eighteen but now this was messing things up.
“But I don’t feel like that about you. You’re my friend…my brother.” I gagged every time I thought about marrying someone I’d grown up with. I looked around the bare walls of the glorified closet I lived in when I could rest. With the number of chores I had to do, that came few and far between.
Johnny shrugged again, as though my words meant nothing because his were law. It was foreshadowing just how badly things would be if they went through with making me do this. “You will change your mind. And love isn’t something that is necessary for us to have a successful marriage.”
I jumped up off the bed and stood up to him because I couldn’t be who they wanted me to be. My long red hair that they hated was pulled back in the bun as they demanded. The headaches I endured were a problem daily. My clothes were secondhand and my height wasn’t taken into consideration so they were always ill-fitting. I’d taken their indifference without complaint for years. The promise of freedom being far more alluring than winning a battle that would be nothing more than a hollow victory. And now I felt like I should’ve raised hell all along if this was going to be my fate. My life was being snuffed out before I even lived it.
“But that’s what I want. To go to school and to wait until I’m older to get married. To travel outside of North Carolina.”
“Well, I go to school and I don’t think this is the best idea for you.” His arms folded across his chest like he was putting his foot down and my stomach knotted, realizing he was going to be just as bad, if not worse, than our parents.
“Why do you think you can tell me what to do with my life? When I’m eighteen I’m an adult and I don’t have to listen to anyone.”
He grinned like he’d expected me to behave this way. I was sure he did because he’d listen to my dreams, we’d discuss how we wanted to live differently and now that information was being used against me.
“And what are you going to do without an education? You haven’t ever been anywhere but here and the church or to help at the office. You think the outside world is going to accept you? To them you look weird and dress funny. You don’t know about anything secular and they’d bully you. You’d get swallowed up by a shark the first second you tried to leave.”
“Is that what they do to you in school? Bully you?” I felt sorry for him because he looked as though he was speaking from experience.
Instead of us having a moment like we used to, his face changed angrily and he stepped even closer to me. “No, why would you say that?”
“You’re the one who brought it up.” I mirrored his anger because I wasn’t going to let him talk to me however he wanted.
He pushed my shoulder forcing me to flop back on the bed. This wasn’t the playful roughhousing we’d done before, this push felt like it held authority. The promise of worse happening if I didn’t listen.
“Are you trying to be funny with me?” He looked like he was gearing up for a fight and I wasn’t sure how I became his enemy.
“No! I’m asking a question. Why are you being weird?”
“Father promised you to me and I’m not going to tolerate you behaving in a way that is unsuitable.”
“What in the world do you mean, promised?”
“You are too valuable to get away and it’s been decided we’re going to get married.” He said it with his shoulders rolled back and the same absolute tone our father spoke in.
“But I didn’t agree to that.”
His lip quivered slightly like my trying to make sense of the situation frustrated him. “Does it matter? Our parents have given their okay so that’s what’s going to happen. You don’t have to agree, nobody cares what you want.”
“Why are you acting like this? We always said that we would do more than what they wanted us to. That the things they say about us and people like us are wrong. We don’t even know if we are blood brothers and sisters. They just say that we aren’t. What if they’ve been lying and—”
“Well, they aren’t. You have to see that. They got that colored man in the office thinking that he is gonna take away the rights of good white people.” He was spouting bullshit about President Obama and I was so disgusted. He sounded like them. I had been proud that he’d been elected and given the chance, I would vote for him myself.
“But you’re colored . You’re Black just like him and me!”
I hadn’t expected it and was shocked to feel the back of his hand on my cheek. “Don’t you ever say something that disgusting about me. I’m basically white. I was raised by two white people so I’m nothing like that man. His mother lay down with filth and look where it got her: a single mother making her parents look bad.”
“Her son is the President of the United States. The first Black president but surely not the last.” I laughed at how ignorant he sounded pantomiming the same foolishness that our parents and the rest of their friends would say. They didn’t care about us hearing any of it, in fact they seemed to want us to know how much they hated Black people and Blackness like it would somehow leech it from our genetics. My brother seemed to listen and parody their bullshit lately, but I did my best not to let it taint how I felt about myself or the few Black people I came in contact with. I thought it was disgusting how they’d take their money to buy property but then come and speak so ill of them at home.
“You better keep those thoughts to yourself, girl. You never know who might have a problem with you saying them.”
“You mean like you? What happened to you to make you like this? We’ve been friends our whole lives and now you’re hitting me?” I rubbed the side of my face to minimize the sting.
“A wife isn’t above being corrected by her husband.”
“But I’m not your wife yet. And you’re not my husband.”
“I’m one of the menfolk of this family and I’m charged with ensuring that you represent us the right way. Your attitude right now is the reason why your kind weren’t allowed in the religion. You might have white skin, but that darkness in you is sprinkled all over your body. Showing the sin that you carry. But don’t worry Vanya, you’re going to be saved as soon as we get married. I’ll do whatever I need to in order to save your soul. I won’t let you sully the family name.” He had bent down in my face to intimidate me, but he never would.
I scoffed and pushed his face away from me. “You sound like a fool.”
“It could be worse. You could just be something they let one of the elders play with. You should be grateful to me that I’m making you honest. Remember that the next time you want to get out of hand with me. Your fate could always be worse. The gratitude you should feel for me saving you should be at the forefront of everything that you do. Because one word from me and you can always belong to someone else and I can be free to have the wife I truly deserve.”
I peeled my eyes open slowly just in case I hadn’t escaped the way I thought I had. When the Black art and floral wallpaper on my bedroom wall was still there, I allowed myself to exhale and sit up in the bed. I was no longer disturbed by any of the memories of my marriage. I’d gotten so good at burying them that even in my sleep it was more an inconvenience than a threat to my peace.
There were moments I felt as though I should be sitting on someone’s couch or living in a padded cell. But none of that would help because the issue was inside my head, not outside in the world. And since being under someone’s supervision constantly was akin to what I’d escaped, I didn’t do the voluntary commit thing despite how relaxing it sounded. People would look at me the wrong way and the evil from my past would try to use it against me as grounds that they needed to have control over me and my money.
They hated that they’d tried to keep me stupid and failed. Marrying me off before I was even an adult to a boy I’d seen as my brother my entire life was foul. But the alternative they’d presented had been far worse. It had corrupted every idea that I’d ever had about what family was. About friendship and my ability to trust was all but obliterated.
And that was just as the vows were read. The shit that happened after left me a shell of the girl that I used to be and I’d struggled for years to find even a piece of her. It had been a long time since I’d felt happy, but my life had changed over the years.
I’d found freedom, but only after secretly planning my escape for months. I worked multiple jobs, normally for no money at all, but what I could keep, I squirreled away. I had to do all the household accounting because Johnny was never good at math. Instead of admitting he needed help, he just threw bills at me and told me to figure it out. That was all I needed to open up a bank account away from the branch we used and ensure my money went there. Since he rarely paid me any attention, I took online jobs that I could do on the hours that he was gone. During grocery store runs, I would round up the money or get cash back to put away. It would add up quickly especially since I did all the shopping and clipped coupons religiously. Items that I could buy in bulk, I flipped for a discount via One under an alias. I got the items for pennies, people got them at a great discount and I put the money into an account to allow myself to break free from an abusive marriage and toxic family. It was a win win in my eyes.
My phone rang and since the ringtone assigned to it was specific to the caller, I knew who it was before I picked up.
“Are you up?” My best friend Francesca’s face was down focused on something she was rolling out on the counter before she glanced up at the screen.
I could only smile at the scene of willing domesticity. Something that I’d been forced to comply with had tainted the skills I was once so proud of. Frankie was the modern trad wife that people wanted to be. Not only was she able to run a successful company that was based on the farming background so many people shunned in modern America, she had found the balance of being there for her family and her kids. She was the first to admit that she had a lot of help, and it wouldn’t be possible without them. Her in-laws were very active and that was only when her husband or grandpa weren’t there. Liam was a completely different person than I thought he was and that was a positive.
“Yes, Frankie, I’ll be on my way shortly.” I sat up in the bed and pulled my bonnet off my head. Being friends with a woman who had hair like mine had been a blessing. She’d taught me how to properly take care of my hair and not to just keep it in a bun that was causing tension and breakage. Despite how much she’d been going through, that hadn’t stopped her from answering my questions and that bonded us together in our time of sadness.
“Good, your goddaughter is asking where you are. Why this girl thinks you’re her friend more than mine is wild.” She rolled her eyes at me as she continued to fold her dough and I cocked my head because clearly the lines had gotten crossed somewhere.
“I mean… is she wrong, though?”
“Vanya, be for real. You my baby daddy not her friend.” She grinned at me as she floured her biscuit cutter.
I cracked up laughing remembering the first time that we’d had to use that line. Some man was hitting on Frankie despite how pregnant she was. I stepped in for her saying that the baby didn’t need a daddy because they had me. We ran with that for the rest of her pregnancy and I still laughed at how she referred to me as her baby daddy.
“If I didnae ken who was on the phone, I ken now. Tell Vanya she is missed and we are ready to see ‘er.” I heard Liam’s voice before he came into the screen. He was holding both of their children, Quad in his baby wrap carrier and Skye on his side as he leaned down and kissed Frankie on her cheek. That wasn’t enough for her and she turned around to capture his lips in a kiss. A few of his blond locs fell from the bun he’d wrapped them in on top of his head and Skye, used to her parents’ affection, had turned to the screen and started to blabber to me.
Couldn’t blame her, though. Those two couldn’t keep off of one another. If I had a man like Liam was now, I probably would be the same. But there was no way in hell I was going to risk my hard earned peace of mind for a man.
Her giggling was the signal I needed to get off the phone. “Okay, Mrs. Merrick. I’m going now. I’ll be there within the next few hours for dinner.”
“That should be enough time—”
“Dinna tell stories to yoor friend, Reul. She will believe I ‘ave yoo wonderin’ aboot unsatisfied. I already ‘ave to prove I’m worthy of yoo. Dinna ‘ave ‘er believin I’m selfish with my love.”
The way this man was looking at my friend I knew dinner was going to be late despite it being nine in the morning. Frankie knew she had to check in with me early because I would change my mind about something in a heartbeat. My clientele was exclusive and I’d blocked off today to get things done around my house. The last few weeks I’d been working everyday and when Frankie asked me for dinner, it was the perfect excuse to refuse any appointments.
“Okay guys see you soon! I’ll honk my way up the drive to make sure y’all are decent.” They were both looking at each other but Frankie murmured something that sounded like agreement as Liam’s head bent to speak directly into her ear.
I knew how this would end so I said my goodbyes and hung the phone up grinning because Frankie and Liam were a demented fairy tale come true. I wasn’t sure if I would’ve been strong enough to forgive him the way she’d been, but of course, he hadn’t left her much choice. They were the type of couple that were just toxic enough to let folks in bad situations believe it would always work out. But everyone didn’t have the foundation of forever that they had.
I’d spent weeks worrying about her when she’d gone, well had been taken, back home by the real father of her daughter. I’d spent years wanting to fight him for exiling her from their hometown and I wanted to mount a rescue to get her back. I looked at her and saw someone who was making a terrible decision about their life.
And then she told me they were getting married.
I was trying to be a good friend because she seemed to walk into the situation with her eyes open. And there were moments that, when Frankie wasn’t paying attention, I saw just how deeply Liam loved her. My ultimate confirmation that he was completely in love with his wife was the way he protected her even without her knowing. We’d been out at a day spa and had been harassed by two men apparently that his uncle knew. The uncle that hated him and would try to hurt his wife to get to him. He’d had eyes on her the whole time and one of his friends had been there to step in.
I wanted to be grateful for the rescue but that was the day I saw him.
Xerxes Cannon.
A man that was even more unique than the name he was given. My first exposure to him had been at Frankie’s wedding. But I was so uptight and worried that day he’d barely registered to me. Other than me wanting to get far away from anyone that was linked to Liam. So everything he said to me I stonewalled and lumped him into the same category as his friend.
And I’d been right.
At least about him being the same as his friend. From the brief interaction where Xerxes stepped in between the men who’d been sent by Liam’s uncle and the unfortunate appearance of my ex, he’d displayed the same amount of chivalry and adoration that Liam did with Francesca. I’d felt more seen and taken care of by these strangers in moments than my entire or relationship with the man I’d married. He’d ensured I got home safely and left his number for me to reach out in case I needed him.
I never used the number, but that didn’t mean I hadn’t been tempted. He kept up this casual intensity that I could always feel whenever I was around him. And since we had mutual friends, that had been often. At least until Frankie and Liam had gone to his family seat in Scotland so she could give birth. With them coming back, I knew he was going to be in my orbit yet again. I’d only missed seeing him when they’d initially come back to the states because he had been traveling. Frankie told me he’d made a special stop in Scotland to meet the baby and give her a push present. I thought that was the daddy’s job, but clearly the man was generous. Something else I wasn’t used to. Gifts had never been given to me before I met Frankie. And any favor I’d needed had conditions that left me feeling degraded or humiliated.
No, thank you.
Despite the lead time that Frankie had given me, I knew I needed to get up. If I stayed still too long, I would think. Thinking led my mind into wallowing and wallowing led to depression. The idea of something controlling me, even if it was medication that would improve my mood, was repulsive to me. I had to fake my way into being normal and hopefully one day it would stick.
It had been five years and that day hadn’t come yet.
Instead of being upset, I got out of bed and looked at the print of one of my favorite artists. It was a woman with fair skin and freckles and obviously Black features. She was drawn in the Italian renaissance style with a golden halo around her head. She had reddish brown hair and was painted so beautifully she made me feel beautiful. I called her my guardian angel because someone saw her as worthy enough to be put on canvas and it somehow also gave me a boost of confidence knowing people were admiring her through this painting.
I was going to dinner but I still had errands to run beforehand. I wasn’t going to show up empty-handed, something my research into how normal people behaved showed as being a no-no. There were little things I did to make myself feel normal and going to get my nails done was one of them. Nothing crazy, but taking care of myself had been something I’d become passionate about. If they had time, I would get a wax even though no one but me was ever going to see it.
I pulled out a blue floral dress that reminded me of spring and was nothing like the ugly clothes I used to be forced to wear. I dressed to stand out and loved bright colors especially white because I now had the means to take care of them. I grabbed flat sandals out of my closet and headed to take a shower. I couldn’t wait to hug my friend and soak in the warmth that always came from being around her and her family.
I could feel his eyes on me.
There was an intensity behind them that made me uneasy. It was unnerving in a way I felt exposed. And not naked and ashamed, but vulnerable to whatever he wanted to do. And even then, there was an air of security around his gaze that didn’t leave me feeling afraid. I should’ve known when I saw a Black SUV that didn’t belong to my friend stationed outside her house that something was wrong. Stupidly, I assumed she might’ve just gotten a new car. Liam was constantly buying her cars to make up for the one that he stripped so I thought nothing of it. Clearly I should have. Would I have left? Probably not. But then again, my fight-or-flight senses only worked for other people. My instincts normally had me freezing but at least I knew with him, I wouldn’t be in any danger. And if he got stupid, Liam was right there to make sure everything was fine.
“Vanya, wuid yoo like some’in’ else, lass? Yoo ‘ave ‘ardly touched yoor food.”
I glanced up from where my eyes had been focused only on my plate. I’d been doing my best to avoid his gaze and apparently I’d insulted my hosts by not engaging in conversation. Liam’s green eyes were concerned and I gave him a small smile because he wasn’t the problem. My attraction to his friend was.
“No! I’m sorry, just a lot on my mind with work is all. Everything is perfect as always, Frankie.” I gave a nod to my friend whose beautiful face no longer held the fullness it had before she went to Scotland to deliver their son. Her skin was the same deep chocolate but it kept the pregnancy glow despite the weight being gone.
They were dressed down, Frankie in a soft green wrap dress she said was for easy nursing. Liam wore joggers and a t-shirt. I’d thrown a cardigan over the linen shirt dress I’d run errands in all day. My hair was wild around my face as I eschewed the buns it had been trapped in for so long. My bare face made me feel vulnerable sitting next to him for reasons I didn’t understand.
“Don’t thank me. Li cooked. That’s why he’s so worried.” She reached over to squeeze his hand and I immediately felt terrible.
I gave him an apologetic smile hoping I hadn’t insulted him. “Oh! I’m sorry to assume—”
He smiled as I grabbed my fork and knife and held out a hand to stop me. “Vanya, ’tis okay, lass. I just wanted to make sure I ‘adnae made a meal ‘at didnae agree wit’ yoo. But I ken ‘ow work can make one distracted. I’ve come across ‘at problem often myself.”
“Zhe work of saving lives does tend to do zhat to a person.”
His voice carried as gently as a breeze with the depth of a well. It wasn’t the deepest voice I’d heard but it was soaked with pure masculinity. And power. Both things I was wary of. His words seemed like a symphony. A lulling hypnosis that would have even the strongest woman under his spell and not realizing she’d been entranced until her bank accounts were empty and her heart broken. The cadence of his voice was like most southern men, but his inflections were of someone who’d learned English as a second language. I could only assume that the cadence was learned after so many years of living here. Either way, his voice alone was enough to mesmerize me.
I hated to think I was like the people I’d grown yup with, enticed by the exotic, but this man would try the celibacy vow of a nun.
Liam’s face lit up, green eyes dancing as he smiled. “Is ‘at ‘ow we’re posin’ it now? Aye, I like it. Makes me sound ‘eroic.”
“You know you’re my hero, baby.” Frankie squeezed his chin affectionately and he sat up from his position. Their daughter, Skye was in her high chair happily eating her food unbothered by her parent’s display. It was a testament to how much love filled their house because she hadn’t met her father until after her first birthday, but you’d never know that by how she adored him.
“Reul, yoo requested a year at least a’fore yoor belly was swollen again. Dinna make me forsake a promise to yoo. I wuid more than enjoy the practice but I feel like yoo wuid tie me to the bed again.”
My eyes widened as Liam kissed the side of Frankie’s face, and she just giggled. I had to swallow because that comment made my body want to break out in a cold sweat.
“ Nafs bakesha, azizam.”
The panic ebbed as my brain was given something else to focus on instead of the memories. Confused, I turned to him and found his eyes already on me.
“What? I don’t speak Arabic.”
“Farsi. I’m Persian. And I said breathe, sweetheart .”
His words did that sophisticated tumbly thing that had me fluttering. It was as if his words glided over one another. Flowed like the gentlest of rivers. Like an audible therapeutic scalp massage I’d seen on One and would love to experience.
“I’m okay. Just zoned out for a minute.” My smile was weak and I could tell by the way his eyes swept over my face he wasn’t convinced.
With his eyes on me, he leaned closer to me causing my breath to stall in my lungs.
“Are you sure? We can take a walk outside if you need a minute to gazer yourself. I too get nauseated at zhe way zhey behave. But I’m almost sure my annoyance is grounded in jealousy. Zhe last zhing I can do is allow Liam to know I am jealous of his joy. He would never let me live it down.”
His words caused me to smile, breaking through the panic I had felt at Liam’s words.