Vanya
My nipples were pressing against the t-shirt I wore and I was unashamed at the lust I was feeling. We kissed for what felt like seconds but had to have been minutes based on the arousal I felt soaking through my panties. Xerxes pulled back and I tried not to sigh in frustration at his loss.
“I forget myself. I will need to practice more restraint in zhe future.”
“I feel like a horny teenager and I never knew what that felt like before now.”
“You didn’t have urges?” He looked thoroughly confused at my lack of desire and I let him in to my world. I refused to move away any further than him and wanted to kiss him again.
“Not really. I wanted freedom and breaking away filled my head, not desire.”
He looked as though he wanted to ask more questions but I didn’t want to bring them into our home so I changed the subject. “How long did it take you to develop the comfort you have with your friends?”
“What do you mean?”
I toyed with my fingers wondering how to word what I wanted to say. “I… I don’t know. I’m afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing with your friends and their wives.”
“Because you do not know zhem?”
“Because I’m worried that there are parts of them that will come out when I’m with them.” He kept me on his lap while we continued to talk. I had never embodied their hatred, but I never wanted to offend our friends with my ignorance.
“Zhem… of you mean zhe pieces of shit zhat raised you.”
“Yeah.” I laughed because I don’t even think he realized he’d cussed when he spoke but I wasn’t going to point it out to him.
“What about zheir ideas do you agree with?”
I felt defensive because I didn’t align with any of their views. “Nothing.”
“Zhen why do you zhink you’re going to say something zhat would offend my friends’ wives?”
“Because Frankie was the first Black friend I ever had. And she knows I have certain quirks zhat may have people look at me funny.”
“Quirks like what, Vanya? Zhere isn’t a feeling you have zhat I won’t try to help you wiz.”
“Well, I don’t like the n-word.”
He shrugged like my dislike wasn’t abnormal. “Nor do I in casual company. A lot of Black people don’t. It is a controversial term.”
Now I was confused because Xerxes was very proud about being a Black man. “But you don’t have a problem with your friends using it?”
“My feelings on zhe matter might differ from yours. Despite me very much having a Black mother and being raised wiz zhe Black experience, I know zhat I do not look like what I am. My understanding of zhe origin of zhe word as an insult and its reclamation by our community into somezing different. I love zhat. Because it symbolizes zhe life zhat we have always had in zhis country. Zhe resilience of making something better when people feel as zhough zhey are harming us.”
“So why don’t you use it?” I felt as though I were as dumb as they used to say I was because I kept asking so many questions.
He smiled patiently and I was glad he wasn’t annoyed because of how many questions I was asking.
“Because I would never want someone who doesn’t know me to zhink I’m being disrespectful to zhem. I have a short fuse, zibā. I would have to slit someone’s zhroat before I could explain my lineage. And if some non-Black person zhought zhey could use it around? Immediate deaz. So I avoid it mostly. Why do you just not like zhe word?”
“I think because it was bantered about in such a negative fashion when I was growing up it makes me cringe to hear it.”
“Bantered about? As in, zhey would say zhis to you?”
Since he had shared, I would as well. “To me, about me if I did something they didn’t like. My ex… when he was angry he would say it.”
“But he’s Black.”
My huff was sarcastic, and Xerxes’ hand was at my back, rubbing circles to comfort me. “He reminds me he’s less Black than I am. How he knows that is beyond me. I’m it’s some lie he tells himself because he feels as though his behavior and obedience brings him in closer proximity to whiteness. But yeah, hard -er and all.”
“I could not imagine not embracing being a Black man. Even my very half Persian half Arab father ensured I did not overlook any aspect of my heritages. He knows all too well about zhe Anti-blackness zhat can exist in Middle Eastern communities and he didn’t want me to assimilate to one extreme just to be accepted. He took me around Yacouba’s father so zhat zhe multi-racial people in zhis generation didn’t feel like zhey were outsiders. And you know Babette wasn’t about to play zhat.” We both chuckled because there was no way for him to be anything but Black with Babette as his mother. My heart faltered because I would’ve loved to have that type of self-assurance my entire life.
“I didn’t have that.”
He gave me a squeeze that “But you do now. How would you feel better about any of zhis? Is zhere anyzing I can do?”
“When I got divorced, I read a lot of books about Black liberation and Black heroes. I was homeschooled and wasn’t allowed to go into regular school like the boys.”
“Wait, what were you taught in homeschool? Some are very rigorous in zheir coursework. I had tutors because of how often I would travel.” He seemed intrigued about our mutual past connection but I worried he would be disappointed in my education.
“I was taught basics and things that would help me with household management. They didn’t want me to be more than a wife.”
“So zhis trad wife nonsense is somezing zhat bothers you.” We’d had a conversation about my desire to not cook but I never elaborated on the why. It was still so crazy to me that he’d just agreed with my not wanting to cook without pushback or negotiation.
“It’s triggering. Especially when I see it with interracial couples. Like the one Black lady making light of picking cotton. As though they enjoy what their ancestors had to survive. I don’t understand someone who has any connection to their Blackness could do that with a straight face. That’s why I’m worried. I know there is no one way to be Black, I just don’t want my way to be seen as terrible.”
“No one zhinks zhat way. Like you said, Blackness is not a monoliz. Zhere is no one way to be Black. Zhat is frankly a stereotype zhat is pervasive in white America. Zhat is where zhe ‘you don’t look Black, sound Black, etc etc’ comes from. Get out of that mindset and you shed zhe last of zheir ideals out of your psyche.”
I hated how I’d doubted him and questioned his being Black at our first meeting in my office. “I’m sorry I said—”
He was laughing and holding up his hand so I could calm down. “ Mon amour , I am the color of churned butter with the facial features of my fazer. My eznicity is more obvious zhe longer I’m in the sun. You did nothing wrong in your assumption. Do I wish the Cannon side would’ve fought harder in my looks? Of course. But maybe zhey saw my fazer was a good man and let him have zhis win. Who knows? But do not let zhose people from before infiltrate how you move in zhis world. You are who you are, Vanya. You are a beautiful Black woman who doesn’t need to conform to be accepted. Just relax and enjoy your time wiz zhe women you meet. Frankie vill be around and you have to remember she is about as wholesome as zhey come. Well, mostly.” I’m glad he corrected himself because even I had seen how Frankie got down.
“Jada already told me that I would have to toughen up.”
“The same woman who faced down the literal demons that she lived with in order to escape? You might be tougher than all of them because you didn’t allow something that had invaded your mind and your body to win. You found courage that you weren’t used to, courage that you were told didn’t exist and you won. There is nothing weak about that.”
“Thank you. You always speak so beautifully to me.”
“It should’ve always been zhis way for you. Is zhere anyzing else you want to get off your chest to me? I like zhis opening up we are doing.”
“I was functionally illiterate when I got away from them.”
“Wait, what do you mean?”
“We were homeschooled, so I never could have a formal education. I was good with numbers and I could read, but they wouldn’t let me do higher level learning like I wanted to.”
“Yes, we discussed zhat you were not in the school system and zhey focused more on domestic duties wiz you.”
I let my head tilt back because I felt so embarrassed admitting this. “I didn’t elaborate on the fact that they tried to keep me dumb. If I asked for a book, I was told that the only thing I could read was the Bible. That all knowledge of the world came from that. I thought when I was forced to get married I would at least be able to have freedom. But he was an even stricter warden over me than they were and I didn’t understand. The marriage was supposed to mean we could run our own lives but he wanted a carbon copy of the lifestyle they lived. He hated all of his Blackness and was resentful of having a Black wife.”
He ran a hand down the heavy five o’clock shadow that covered his face. “ Chi? Please do not let my mind wonder too far into what zhat means, zibā . But I understand now you desire now more.”
“My desire for what?”
“Your desire to fill zhe library. How your face lit up when we toured this place. Zhe intermittent moments I’ve been in your office and you are reading a book on some subject I deem random but it is the zhirst for knowledge zhat you have. Because of how long it was denied to you.” He seemed less intense and I was happy he’d changed the subject.
“I know some people wouldn’t bother since I’ve already got business and things going but I don’t want to be a person that recognizes they’re ignorant and allows it to stay that way, you know?”
“I understand. It is zhe way I felt when I met you.”
“How? There’s no book on Vanya Kennedy.”
“No. But you are the author of your story so I studied you to learn about you. The way you could give grace to Liam, despite how angry he made you initially. The way you loved our godchildren showed that you wanted to be a mother. The careful way you carry yourself shows that someone had abused your trust and you. The armor you wear to protect someone from doing it again. You do not have to worry about that anymore, ghoroub . I am more than ready to be your human shield.”
“ Ghoroub , that’s a new one.”
“May I?” He pointed his finger toward my face and I nodded, wondering what he was about to do. Slowly his hand reach out and grazed my scalp, sending tingles over my flesh in a soothing yet mildly erotic way. Xerxes’ fingers teased a strand of hair down and a curl fell into my face. “This is ghoroub . Or what reminds me of the word. It is the serenity of sunset. Moments like this, I get the gentle warmth of your flame. When the sun sets low into the sky all manner of reds and oranges, it’s the reminder to take a rest. Zhat is how I feel when I’m wiz you. You’re a reminder for me zhat I have endured, worked hard enough and rest is not something I can avoid. That love is not.”
“Aren’t you worried? We haven’t known each other that long. Not in this capacity.”
“I know enough. I am more zhan pleased but more zhan anyzing I felt zhe same zhing zhat you did a year ago. Zhe spark. Zhe desire to lean into zhe fire because I knew it would not consume me. And it was not your looks. I do not call you zibā because you are merely beautiful on the outside. I call you that because every part of you is beautiful. Even your pain.”
This man could see me, expose me and speak words to heal me all at once. I hated feeling like all of this was such a one sided love affair. “Thank you so much for all that you have done. Not even the things, just being here has made me feel far more safe than I have before. Not even when I lived by myself.”
“I had planned to fill zhe library with items zhat were beautiful and rare. But I will leave zhat for another home. I will find the books that make you happy and have zhem delivered. Whatever you want.” He pulled me closer onto his lap thrilled at being able to spoil me in a more meaningful way.
“May I ask a favor?”
“Anyzing.”
“Can I learn your language?”
“You can learn all zhat I know, and what I don’t we can learn together. Persian, French, Arabic I have, but then we can learn a new language zhat’s just ours together. Swahili or Igbo. But am I the best teacher for you is zhe question?” He seemed hesitant and I wondered why he felt incapable.
“I feel you wouldn’t make fun of me if I mess up.”
“If anyone zhought to make fun of you zheir blood would stain zhe floor after zhe first chuckle.” His face was tight at the thought of someone making me feel bad and it made me smile harder.
“Well, since I’m very fond of all the flooring and you just purchased this house, maybe you can try it for a while.”
“Which would you like to learn first?” It was a question I hadn’t thought about but I should have since he knew so many of them.
“Which one is the most dear to you?”
“English. Because it is zhe common language my parents used to communicate wiz each other. Zhen Persian, because each word has such depz of meaning.”
“Persian. Is that what you typically speak when you use the words I don’t understand?”
“Mostly. Sometimes it’s a mix of Farsi and Arabic. Zhen French or Creole zhrown in. My speech is as varied as my heritage.”
I kissed his cheek and was happy that we had an activity to do together. “I’ll get a book to help me with things when you’re busy.”
“I’m never too busy for you, zibā.”
I rest my head on his because his words made me feel so loved. They weren’t just words; he proved that he meant every syllable. “I know and understand that but I would never abuse that. I am not co dependent on you, I love being around you but I know we are both two separate individuals no matter how much we enjoy one another’s company. Now, tell me your favorite words in Farsi.”
“ Bishtar az khodam asheghetam .”
I repeated the words back to him as he smiled and helped correct my pronunciation a few times before I got it right.
“Was that better?”
“Beautiful.”
“And what is it that I said?” I knew it was something emotional by the way he looked, eyes so reverent, when he said them.
“I love you more zhan I love myself.”
“That is beautiful.” I spoke the words back to him slowly before he gave me a brief kiss. I think he felt like I was just practicing, but really I was speaking directly to him.
“It is amazing to see how beautifully our life is laid out in front of us. It is late and zhe travel is catching up to me. Let us head inside and dream our beautiful dreams zhat we will soon make a reality.”