Chapter 28
The next morning, we had to meet for breakfast like we often did, and then we had to get back on the road. Our next stop took us back to Salt Lake City, but our show wasn’t until tomorrow night.
As I stretched in bed, Braden stirred—and I realized he’d held me all night long. I had a bit of a crook in my neck because of it, but I felt loved.
“Good morning,” I said, surprised that there was nothing awkward about it…even though I was feeling a little weird. I kept reminding myself that Braden was my friend. And it would only be strange if I made it strange.
I hadn’t realized it, but he was still asleep and pulled me close. I could barely hear his voice when he muttered. “I love you, Dani.”
His words jolted me…because I cared about Braden—so much—but I couldn’t reciprocate that particular emotion.
And then I felt a flood of guilt—because, in that moment, I realized I still loved Zack. Even after the way that man had crushed my heart, I loved him to the depths of my soul—and a big part of me was certain he wouldn’t have cheated on me if he’d been sober.
Lying still, I scoured my brain for the right—the kindest yet most truthful—thing to say, when he stirred again. This time, Braden asked, “How much time do we have? Do you know?”
“My alarm hasn’t gone off yet, so we have at least half an hour.”
“Are you okay if I sleep a little longer?”
“Yeah, sure—that’s fine.” Until that moment, I hadn’t realized how tense his question had made me—and he’d allowed me to not have to answer it. I started to get out of bed when he tightened his grip around my waist.
“Don’t go. Stay with me.”
“I gotta pee, Bray.”
He made a soft noise similar to a whimper but let me go and I got out of bed, locating my t-shirt and sweats and pulling them on before heading to the bathroom.
As I got ready—washing up, pulling my hair in a ponytail, brushing my teeth, and putting on a tiny bit of makeup—the guilt began to weigh heavier.
This time, though, I felt guilty because Braden maybe thought I cared about him the same way he did me…and I didn’t. I loved Braden, but I loved him the way I loved Cy. They were my band brothers, my second family, and I cared about them deeply.
But I didn’t love Braden like a boyfriend, like the way he loved me. I’d never pictured us together or dreamed about our lives in the future.
When I was getting dressed, Braden got out of bed, smiling at me as he headed to the bathroom. “I’m ready for some coffee.”
“Me too.”
Zack had wanted to eat breakfast at the diner on Colfax where he used to wash dishes but Mick overruled it.
Even though it wasn’t too far from the hotel, there was no place to park the bus—so he made “an executive decision” and said we’d be going to a Burger King in Thornton just off the freeway that had a big parking lot.
The brat in me was glad that Zack wasn’t getting his way, but I imagined he still had a few friends there he wanted to touch base with. Either that or he wanted to say, “Look at me now, suckers!” And he could do that shit on his own time.
Braden didn’t take long getting ready, because he didn’t spend time shaving. He just brushed his teeth, washed his face, and put on deodorant. My bag was packed and I was scrolling through our Facebook page when he announced he was ready to go.
Before we walked out the door, he kissed me. “I hope you’re feeling better today.”
I wasn’t sure that I was—because, in addition to the heartache still nesting in my chest, I felt…not quite guilt, having worked through that, and not regret—but something heavy.
So I lied—because sweet Braden didn’t deserve having to deal with my ambiguity. “Yeah. Thank you.”
Once we were walking down the hallway, he took my hand. That told me everything I needed to know.
He was ready for a relationship with me. But was I ready?
I didn’t love him—that much I knew—although I was grateful to him for his comfort and the love he’d shown me.
Could I grow to love him? I was positive I could—with time. A man like Braden—kind, strong, caring—would be a prize for any woman. And, after last night, I felt truly seen, validated.
Worthy.
I owed it to him to at least try.
So I squeezed his hand as we made our way to the elevator, but I couldn’t help feeling some relief that no one else from the band was around.
The bus was already near the front of the hotel and waiting.
Mick and the roadies were on board, but Cy and Zack hadn’t arrived yet—and I was surprised at myself because I again felt enormous relief.
As we walked on the bus, Braden and I were no longer holding hands, but he didn’t let go until we’d stepped on.
It wasn’t long, though, before everyone was on board and we were heading north, a long day ahead of us.
It would be especially long with none of us talking to each other.
But Braden, across the aisle from me, sat closer to the edge. I wanted to be nice, but already his lovesick puppy act was getting on my nerves. Yes, we’d fucked and, yes, he’d been exactly what I’d needed, but that didn’t mean it was time to say wedding vows or anything.
Besides, I’d decided that I didn’t want Zack to know what we’d done—and if Braden kept looking at me like that, Zack would figure it out.
Well, I was an idiot if I’d thought he wouldn’t anyway, because when we stopped at the BK in Thornton, still deep in the never-ending city, Braden took my hand as soon as we were off the bus.
If I snatched it away like his skin was burning mine, it would hurt his feelings.
And, of all the people I knew on the planet, Braden deserved to be treated like a prince.
The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel used.
I’d felt that enough myself.
As we ordered our food, I felt Zack’s eyes on me—but it must have been my imagination, because when we all sat at various tables next to each other, Zack looked everywhere but me. Or Braden, of course, who sat right beside me.
He sensed my unease and, when he asked a question, I immediately felt like a jerk. “Is everything okay, Dani?”
“Uh, yeah.”
“I can back off if you want,” he said quietly. “I just…really care about you, and last night meant a lot to me.”
My cheeks started to burn as I stared down at my sandwich, hoping no one was eavesdropping on our conversation. Mick and the bus driver sat across from us, but they were talking about what a boring drive lay ahead of us. Suddenly, I wished I’d been chatting with them.
But sweet Braden deserved more from me than being blown off.
After all, he’d been there in my moment of greatest need…
and, if I bothered to look back over the past few years, I saw that he’d always been there—if not with an encouraging word, with open ears and heart.
I remembered the time back in high school when Cy had told me Zack wasn’t worth the torch I carried for him, and if Cy had seen it, Braden would have seen it too.
So had Zack.
Zack had told me over and over by his actions and sometimes by his words that he didn’t want me as a girlfriend—and our trial run as a couple had proven he’d meant it all along.
I’d been stupid and shameless, wanting to believe he could care about me as much as I did him, and now—if I could be open to it—I had to accept that it would never be.
It hurt. God, it hurt, but I had to stop being a fucking dumb ass about it. I’d cried enough tears over him, and it had to end today.
Braden…he was worth my heart, and if I were smart, I’d give it to him without another thought. I had to try. I just had to figure out how to do that.
So I said, “No, that’s okay. I just…am still processing everything, you know?” And I kissed him on the cheek as if to seal the deal.
It wasn’t long before Mick was telling everyone we’d be leaving in five minutes, so we needed to use the restroom or refill our drinks now if we wanted. As I was exiting the restroom, Zack was entering the men’s—but he stopped and faced me, and there was no avoiding him.
God, he looked like shit, no doubt the evidence of partying way too hard the night before.
He had his hair pulled back in a ponytail and he wore his glasses instead of contacts, probably because his eyes were so red, the contacts would have made them feel worse.
But that was just the beginning. The sallow skin on his cheeks seemed thin from losing too much weight and his stubble was several days old, on its way to becoming a beard.
How had I not seen how he really appeared the last few weeks?
He was literally killing himself one drink at a time.
“Can we talk?”
My empathy quickly evaporated as the anger rose up my throat like bile. “I don’t have anything I want to say to you.”
“Fine. Then can you listen for a few minutes?”
Braden exited the bathroom as if on cue. So I merely said, “Later.” And, with that, I turned to Braden. “Ready?”
And off we walked, my decision solidified.
We stopped in Rock Springs, Wyoming, to eat an early dinner before making the rest of the trip.
Mick had called a burger place earlier that day to make reservations, and, for a good part of the drive, I’d sat next to Braden so we could talk.
I’d told him what Zack had asked back in Colorado and let him know I’d be talking with our frontman sometime before the day was over.
If I was going to try a relationship with Braden, I wanted us to be completely honest with each other. He already knew how I felt about Zack, so I thought he should know what was happening.
Zack, Cy, and several of the roadies slept most of the way, probably because they’d partied all night.
When we got off the bus at Rock Springs, I told Zack I’d talk with him before we left. That might have meant we’d eat fast and talk before we boarded, but he had a different idea. As soon as we gave our order to the server, he said to me, “Let’s go outside.”
When I looked at Braden, he nodded and I stood, fully aware that many of the people at our table took note of everything.