18
“Kelley, you did the right thing and definitely saved my life. HOWEVER, we have to see what we can do so that it does not happen again. But I want you there, and I forgive you. Kelley, at least you have never told me how I have to live my life as to who and what I am. Your concern is my safety.
And I get that. But I also need my space, and I have not gotten that. So this week, it will happen again. I don’t know when, but I will pull another Shannon eventually. Just be prepared to deal with it. And if you can not, I will miss you deeply.”
And as she was leaving, Dad arrived. I think he had been waiting until Kelley and I had finished.
“OK, Shannon, I need to know which one you are today. I do not want to say the wrong thing, and I am no longer sure what is right.”
“Girl Shannon, Dad, I was Girl Shannon the entire time I was gone.”
“Dad, I was more than a bit overwhelmed, and I needed some space…”
“I figured that part out. And yes, I could see what was happening the other night, and your mother did cross a few lines.”
“Dad, a lot of lines were crossed that week, a lot of lines.”
“Shannon, do you want me to go? Or do you want just to tell me? This is lawyer dad speaking. I need to know where you are, so I know what I am supposed to do for you right now. Not two weeks ago, not two weeks from now, but today, tonight, and tomorrow.”
“I’ll talk to Dad.”
I had to stop unpacking and sit for a bit; this was going to be difficult. And I also sat down on the bed.
“Dad, this is not about what you did not do; it is about what you did that was too much.
“You were an absolute lifesaver flying down to Florida. I had an absolute nightmare that night, dreading what they were going to do with me. I could only imagine the worse and that I was going to be imprisoned as a man, but looking like a top model.
And I thought that I would be raped in jail and most likely murdered. And I was praying, praying that the murder part came first. I was so terrified of being raped, Dad. I could not imagine a scenario where that didn't happen.”
“So you and Bryon, you did save me. And that was fantastic. But then, once we were out, you and Bryon and my sisters, the security team, Mom, London, New York, and I do not know who else, along with Carmine to some extent, decided to tell me what my future was.”
“Dad, you saved me from a physical rape only to imprison me in a mental rape. I lost the right to choose.”
“You know that the worse part of a woman, or a man, being raped is not the physical, I mean, yes, that would suck. But it is the mental, the removal of control, the removal of agency of the one being raped by the rapist.”
“And after believing that I was about to be thrown into a prison where I would be raped and murdered, then I had my mental rights revoked by everyone else. The same violation of the person. It was as bad, and perhaps worse. Because while you were doing all of this, I felt helpless,
and I damn well knew that you all loved me. But you were telling me what I was going to do with my body. What was going to happen legally, medically, and I don’t know, probably surgically.”
“Holy shit, Shannon, I had no idea…”
“And Dad, when I got home, Mom went off the deep end and made it twenty times worse. No one asked me what I wanted that night. No one asked if I was OK with the conversation.”
“You all just sat there and told me how YOU were going to FIX me, when I did not think I was broken.”
“And that night, I realized that I was not going to be allowed to figure any of this out for myself. That all of you, every bloody one of you, were going to insist that what you wanted for me was right. That you had some right to decide for me.”
“So I left before you could do any harm to me. And think about what I just said: I left all of you before I felt that you could harm me deeper.”
“I became terrified of every one of you, including Carmine. I became terrified that I no longer had any rights of self-determination, any rights of agency.”
“So I took what agency I did have, took some clothes, my car, my ID, and money, and left before I was harmed by those who said that they loved me.”
There was a long pause, and I could see that my father had listened and was listening.
“OK, Shannon, there are so many things that I can say and so many things that I can promise. But I need to know what you need me to do? Not what you want me to do, but what you need me to do.”
“Dad, I need to do several things, some you are doing and some you have forgotten that you need to do. First, and this is so important, Dad, I am 21, a professional who has earned how many millions in the last year? I honestly do not know. But I am an adult,
a card-carrying adult from two different countries. And that needs to be respected. And what that looks like is that I have to be involved, to be consulted about everything, unless I say no. Dad, I don’t know what you and Byron or you and Mom decided. You never shared that with me. You never asked.”
“Second, I need you to be in my life both as my parent, as you have been, and also as my advisor and manager. Everyone else in my life has a business manager, and that is a formal relationship between two individuals. We do not have that, and because of that,
the lines that should not have been crossed, well, they never were seen and most likely never would be seen. Those lines in the sand simply do not exist between us.”
“Dad, that does not mean what you did was wrong; what it means is that what you did went too far. You treated me in essence as if I were a minor, and perhaps in your mind, I am. But I am not. I have to have all of my freedom of choice, all of my agency.”
“Next, and you are doing this, but you asked what I needed from you. Dad, I need the love that you are giving me not to stop, but to be moderated from parent-child to parent-adult child who can make up her mind.”
“And finally, Dad, I need to become me legally. That is where you are right. When I returned to the US from Canada, I had to use my American Passport. And Dad, it was not pretty. OK? I have to be the female Shannon legally, and I need help with that. I will do what I need to do,
but I need you to allow me to decide the actual steps. If I want to stop, I can stop. But if you move forward and I decide that it is wrong for me when I am not available? Every step has to be signed off between us.”
“And one more thing, you need to talk to your wife. Mom was really out of line that night. I understand why, but I can not deal with that level of whatever it was. Mom gets me, I know that. She accepts me, but she still, well, she is still my mother.”
“And I know that is a good thing, I really do, but it is also a very bad thing sometimes. Mom needs to figure out how to allow me to be the me I am, not the me she thinks I should be for my sake.”