Chapter 2
I know something’s up the moment I waltz into the kitchen in the morning. Marissa’s on the phone, her mouth pinched as she takes a sip from her triple-shot espresso instead of her usual matcha latte, as if she needs the extra energy to deal with people’s bullshit.
“M-ning.” I fish for a piece of toast, spreading on some olive oil. My heart slams against my rib cage when my manager doesn’t lift her gaze.
“She’s here. I’ll ring you back,” she mumbles into the phone, then hangs up and turns to me. Her eyes roam over my face with an icy stare. It steals the air from my lungs. “Did you come out on social media last night without telling me?”
“What?” I settle into the seat beside her, but the tension in her voice wraps around the air. “I’m being serious … what?”
She hands me her phone. The words Sassy, aroace, and coming out are trending across multiple platforms. My stomach sinks as I browse through a barrage of posts.
Shit. Did I like that post from my main account?
People are taking it as a soft launch now.
Fuck. Not just that. I forgot to charge my phone last night, so I didn’t even find out until this morning.
That’s long enough for everyone to make a big deal out of it.
“Oh.” A faint ringing sound takes over my ears, building into a screech as I run upstairs and rip my phone from where it’s charging. There it is, in plain sight. The post from last night that has been shared and reposted across social media thousands of times. How could I let this happen?
My throat closes up as I read through some of the comments on a video someone’s made.
sassysearring what does aroace mean? that her body count is 0?
alphawolf69 i could change that free of charge
sassyspiercings you’re fucking disgusting. @sassy, don’t listen. you’re so valid. welcome to the community!
muscles_muscles there is no way she’s ace … look at the way she dresses.
sassyslilfreckle good for her! what flavor of aro and ace is she though? hope she shares it with us.
sassyspiercings she DOES NOT owe us an explanation?
sassysdiscardedtoenails wdym good for her. i would kms. being in love is the best feeling in the world? she’s probably going to be alone forever. i’d feel sorry for her if it’s true.
sassyslefteyebrow wait then who are her songs about?
randomuser_987234 yeah, she lied. it’d be one thing if her songs were written by others, but they’re hers.
Shock runs through me like a heated wire. It’s not just the stereotypes that irk me. Will people stop listening to my music when they discover there’s no boyfriend, no love story behind them?
My finger hovers over the screen. I don’t know what to do.
My first instinct is to call my moms, but I don’t want them to worry.
Knowing them, they’ll cut the trip short and come home early.
Besides, I’m an adult. I can vote. I can drive, although I don’t have my license yet and driving stresses the shit out of me.
I make my own money. I can figure this out alone.
And I already know what they’d tell me. Mamá would say, “What’s done is done.
What matters is what you do from now on.
” Mom would hug me and tell me to look at it objectively.
How it’s not a big deal. That at the end of the day we’re all living on a rock floating in space that exists inside a multiverse.
My sister Sonia would drag me out of the house and we’d ride our bikes until sunset.
“I liked it by accident.” I take a deep breath and bury my face in my hands. “Shit. I thought I was using my private account.”
“Oh! Okay. Yeah. No. I thought so, too.” Relief washes over Marissa’s features. “We can work with that. I got a rather panicked call from the label this morning. You know they don’t like it when we do things without checking in with them first.”
I shift in my seat. I don’t see how my sexuality is anyone’s business.
Especially my label’s. Most of them are cis straight men, so I don’t know if they’d even get it.
One time I mentioned the word aromantic in a meeting and an exec thought I meant aromatic.
Somehow that’s how the special edition of my album ended up smelling like strawberries.
“What do we do?” I don’t like the way my voice shakes.
I didn’t want to come out like this, but maybe … maybe it’s not a big deal. Maybe I can handle this.
If only my heart could stop beating out of my chest and get the message.
“We tell the truth.” Marissa squeezes my hand across the table. “Just post a video explaining the situation. It’ll blow over in a week. Besides, we don’t want this to take attention away from the Grammys or your new music video.”
I nod, willing my body to stop shaking. I don’t want my aroace identity to eclipse my music, either, or for people to start asking me inappropriate questions like Are you a virgin? (no), Do you hate sex? (I don’t, but I don’t want it, either), So you’ve never been in a relationship? (I have).
In some weird way, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It’s not the way I would have wanted to tell, but I might as well come out. If I don’t, I’ll have to deny it, and I don’t want to lie to my fans. Or myself.
I already tried that, and it almost killed me.
“We’ll just say that you liked that post by mistake, and that it doesn’t mean anything,” Marissa says. “People are just making assumptions about your sexuality and that’s not okay.”
Wait, huh? My expression hardens. “I don’t want to lie about my sexuality.”
“You’re not lying. You’re just not sharing it.” Her voice carries a hint of concern. “Sasha, no one’s entitled to an explanation about your private life. You set the terms, not them.”
“Yeah, that’s true. But sooner or later I will have to tell.”
“Why?”
“Because—” My voice quivers with a mix of anxiety and anticipation.
Because I want to, I realize. There aren’t that many ace celebrities to begin with, let alone aroace ones.
Our identities are often erased, infantilized, or minimized.
But maybe I could help change that. Most of all, I want to be seen for who I am. I don’t want to hide.
The last time I did, I lost my best friend.
My thoughts drift back to Kai, the hurt in his eyes during our last conversation.
“Okay, but why does it have to be now?” Marissa’s brow furrows. “I mean, I’d say, wait a couple of years, and if you still feel the same way, once your career is more established, we can—”
“What do you mean, if I still feel the same?” My hand twists around the edge of the table. Where’s this coming from? When I came out to her, she was nothing but supportive.
“I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry.” A flash of regret crosses her face. “Shit. That was the wrong thing to say. I apologize. I’m just thinking about you, and what this could mean for your career.” She passes me her phone. “I didn’t want to show you this because people are being aphobic but…”
One of her tabs is open on her socials, another one on a press article: “Sassy might have come out, but her fans are left looking for answers. Was the boyfriend fake all along?”
The comments are no better.
sassyisanicon does it mean that her songs are fake? there’s no boyfriend
untouchedgrass i mean, good for her. but I feel kinda lied to … all these theories for nothing
sassyisanicon yeah, like what’s the point of looking for clues in her songs if their love story was never real? her songs are just songs now. greatest love story of all time … a lie.
sassyspiercings are y’all idiots? first off, she could be gray- or demiromantic and in love. still aroace. she could be in a relationship. still aroace. but that’s besides the point. who the fuck cares? do you know how harmful it is to speculate about someone’s sexuality?
My stomach sours, and I feel like throwing up. I … I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to be who they want me to be.
Marissa squeezes my shoulder. “You’ve worked so hard for this. If you want to come out, I won’t stop you, but personally, I’d wait. Don’t upset your fandom. And I mean, it’s a victimless crime. You can still be you. We don’t want things to change, right? And there’s the Grammys…”
Honestly, fuck the Grammys. It’s my fans I care about. What if I come out, and people hate me because I gave the impression that my songs were about a guy? Will they be disappointed? Will they stop listening to my music? Are they right? Did I lie? Should I apologize?
I have to choose. My music or my sexuality.
A victimless crime.
My throat closes up with a mixture of nerves and nostalgia as I stand on a makeshift podium in my old high school gym.
After I threw up twice, Marissa had to give me an emergency clonazepam so I would be able to attend this event, but it’ll wear off soon, and I’m worried I’ll plunge into the depths of anxiety in front of everyone.
Around me, the stage is decorated with fairy lights that twinkle under the cold lights overhead. It makes me wish I could put on my sunglasses to deal with the brightness. I risk a peek behind me, where a screen reads WELCOME BACK, SASSY!
Back. My heart sinks, and memories come rushing through me.
Making theater props for Macbeth with Kai and Mia.
Kai was always good at making jewelry with a glue gun, and he made the three of us friendship bracelets.
Mine broke long ago, but I still carry it in my overnight bag.
Skipping PE and sneaking out through the old fire exit with Kai.
Playing chess during math class with Mia, our phones hidden in our pencil cases.
It feels so fresh in my mind, but all that’s left of those moments are the memories. Mia is in college in New York, and Kai is … honestly, I don’t know where he is. He blocked me on everything.
“Although you might know her as Sassy, Sasha was a student here just a few years ago.” Ms. Williams, my former theater teacher, wears a proud smile as she turns to me. “What would you say is the key to success?”