Chapter 3 #2
It never occurred to me that Kai would go to college for something other than art or creative writing, the same way that I couldn’t picture my life if it didn’t revolve around music.
I still remember when Mamá got me my first keyboard.
I spent an entire summer teaching myself how to play piano through video tutorials, and I would skip sleep to learn about song production.
The happiness it brought me was all-consuming, unavoidable.
It always happens when I’m about to go into the thing.
The thing isn’t something I enter willingly. It possesses me, and I’m at its creative mercy. I don’t know exactly how it works, but whenever I like something a lot, it brings me so much joy, it consumes my every thought, and the only outlet I have for it is to turn it into music, notes, lyrics.
It’s the same for Kai and art. Or at least it used to be.
“It’s okay.” He winces. “I … I don’t draw much these days, not like before. It just made more sense. I want to be able to help out my grandpa when he retires. Art was going to be a dead end anyway.”
A thread of guilt unravels through me. Maybe not everyone gets to follow their dreams, but it hurts to see the disappointment in his eyes.
Mia used to joke that Kai came with a notebook, as if it was a natural extension of his body.
One time he got the flu and stopped attending school for a week.
When he came back, he had written ten chapters of a fantasy novel and drawn the first chapter from scratch.
He was the one who got me into anime, actually.
He used to look so happy talking about his favorite characters and plot theories.
Used to. Because the Kai in front of you is not the Kai you used to know anymore, I remind myself.
“I just wanted to see you.” Kai’s voice is barely a whisper, but it booms with the force of a hundred cannonballs. “You asked me why I came to our old school today. I guess I was worried. I saw your name trending this morning, the whole aroace thing…”
“And you got war flashbacks?”
He rolls his eyes, but his lips twitch with laughter. “You’re still such an idiot.”
“You shouldn’t be surprised.”
“I miss you,” he blurts out, and I freeze. Kai’s eyes search my face, as if he’s waiting for me to say it back, but I can’t. That would make this too real. I don’t want to hurt him again. “I miss my best friend, not my girlfriend. I’ve been wanting to talk to you for a while.”
“Why didn’t you?”
I would have picked up the phone.
“Because it’s not your responsibility to forgive me.
And you seem busy these days.” His voice is tinged with resignation.
I’m not that busy, I almost say, but the truth is I am.
“A few weeks ago, I got a newsletter from our school. It said that you were going to be giving a speech. I got curious. I wasn’t expecting to talk to you.
I just wanted to see you. But then you were onstage, and it was obvious you could use some air. ”
“Obvious?” I stiffen. Marissa’s disappointed face flashes through my mind.
“Obvious to anyone who knows you. You kept tightening your ponytail and scratching the back of your hand. You used to do that before exams you hadn’t studied for.”
Oh. Back then, he used to squeeze my hands to calm me down, and he got me a fidget spinner I still play with.
“So you pulled the fire alarm?”
“You’re welcome.” He shoves a bite of ice cream into his mouth. It looks tasty, so I steal a spoonful. He doesn’t fight me.
“Are you insane?” I raise an eyebrow.
“You would have done the same thing.”
Fuck, he does know me. He still knows me.
“Friends?” Kai holds out his hand to me across the table, a hopeful look in his eyes.
“Friends.” I shake his hand. His touch is rough but comforting, distant yet familiar. We can’t go back to what we were, but maybe we can build something new, even if we’ll never be as close as we used to be. “Friends who let each other get another scoop of ice cream? This is delicious.”
“Sure. There’s still some left. Check the fridge in the back.”
I jump from my chair and walk to the counter, sneaking a $50 bill into the tip jar when Kai isn’t looking. He won’t let me pay, but I don’t want to abuse his and his grandpa’s kindness. My phone rings, vibrating close to the edge of the table. Kai spares a look at the screen.
“If it says Marissa, don’t pick up. She’s my manager,” I tell him with a twinge of guilt. Marissa is probably worried, although I did text to tell her I was okay, and she has my location. I’m just not ready to go back yet. Back to being Sassy.
Kai glances at the caller ID. “It’s Mia. She wants to FaceTime.”
“Can you text her that I’ll call her back tonight—?”
“Oh. Kai? Long time.” Before I know what’s happening, Mia’s voice echoes through the shop.
I turn around sharply, only to find Kai pointing my phone at his face and waving at a confused Mia. “Hey, Mimi. How are you doing? Anything happen?”
I pierce him with a glare. Motherfucker—
“Uh. Sorry, I may have dialed your number by mistake,” Mia stutters. She’s clearly panicking. “I was just—”
“Hey, Mia.” I slide into frame and smack Kai in the head. “Ignore this asshole.”
“Am I hallucinating?” Mia presses her face against the screen. “What the—?”
I give Mia a look that’s supposed to be girl code for I’ll tell you later. She must be going through a whirlwind of emotions right now. She and Kai are still friends, but they’re nowhere near as close as she and I are. When Kai and I broke up, she sort of got caught in the middle.
“Whose jacket is that?” Mia’s got that look in her eye, as if she wants to reach through the screen and shake some answers out of me. “And Sash, why is your hair wet? Also, wait, you still haven’t told me about that post—”
I chuckle softly. “How long do you have?”
“I was going on a date, but it’s canceled.” Mia settles down with a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream from her mini fridge. “I’m listening.”
“Oh my God, you’re eating toothpaste again?” Kai whines.
“It’s mint. Mint!” Mia points her spoon at the screen. It’s one of her favorites, the golden one we stole from an award ceremony I took her to.
I can’t help my smile. For a minute, it’s like we’re in high school, and Mia, Kai, and I are doing homework over FaceTime, fighting over who got the equation right.
Something in my chest warms, and I feel more alive than I have in the past two years.