Chapter 4 #2
“I won’t, don’t worry. It’s normal to take an interest in each other’s hobbies when you’re seeing someone. It’s a good way to get to know them better.”
She’s right, but I don’t see him picking up any of her hobbies in return, which bothers me somehow.
Jason is Mia’s situationship. They met during her internship this summer—she tripped carrying some samples and they almost landed on him.
It was kind of a meet-cute, but with some biohazard.
I’m not sure what Mia sees in him. Maybe it’s because I haven’t met Jason in person, and maybe I’ll change my mind when I do, but based on his social media, he’s an average white dude with all the personality of an NPC—no offense to the NPC.
Sometimes he’ll post a shirtless picture with a lengthy philosophy caption that he proceeds to mansplain to his followers in painstaking detail and with an alarming amount of typos.
I don’t know how the fuck he got into NYU, although I do remember Mia saying he has rich parents.
“Is it getting serious?” I ask, switching to Spanish. She’s been hanging out with him a lot lately, which is fine. It’s just … suddenly most of our conversations revolve around this guy.
There’s a pause, and Mia’s lips press into a line. “For now we’re just getting to know each other,” she says before flashing a bright smile. “I’m having fun.”
“That’s great, Mimi. You deserve fun.”
“Oh, he told me this thing the other day when we were kissing—”
“Nooo! Mimi, please spare me.” I laugh. “I don’t want to know.”
“Seriously, though, you don’t miss kissing?” she asks. “Or sex? I know you’re not attracted to anyone that way, and that’s totally fine—”
“I can’t remember the last time I thought about it.
But that’s a me thing, not an ace thing.
” When I shrug, she makes a face. “I don’t know.
Remember that comment I read that I told you about?
The one that equated sex to pizza? Some people crave pizza whenever they get hungry.
Others only want a slice if their partner makes it.
Some people hate pizza, even when they’re hungry, so they don’t want to have it.
Others like me don’t crave pizza at all, although they don’t necessarily hate it.
It’s just not something I find myself wanting to have. ”
“But what if you get hungry?”
“I don’t know, girl, I make my own food?”
Her laughter rings through the screen, and I relax against the pillows. Mia is the person I’ve talked to the most about my asexuality and aromanticism. She never judges me, and although we experience attraction differently, I love that we trust each other to share these things with one another.
“What about…” She sighs, her voice dropping all of a sudden. “Do you ever wish you had someone?”
“Like a partner?”
“Yeah, I mean, I don’t know. Just someone. Your person. All my friends here are in relationships.” She fidgets with the string of her jacket. “Sometimes I think it’d be nice to have a boyfriend. Someone to cuddle with at night.”
Her admission gives me pause. This is new. I’ve never heard Mia say she wants a boyfriend. She’s had a couple of crushes over the years, but she was too busy studying and always wanted to keep things casual.
“You can hug a pillow. Or a weighted plushie. That’s what I do,” I suggest, half serious, half joking.
“Kind of the same thing, to be honest. And at least the pillow doesn’t steal your blanket.
” Mia laughs and rolls her eyes, then throws me a teasing look.
“What? You know I’m right. You don’t need anyone. ”
“I don’t need anyone, but maybe I want … I don’t know…” She shakes her head. “Never mind. I’m just sleepy. So, where do you and Kai stand? I was so confused when he picked up.”
It’s my turn to sigh. “I don’t know. I haven’t had time to process seeing him yet. But even if we never speak again, I’m glad we were able to clear the air.”
I’m glad we forgave each other, or at least started to.
“Just be careful.” Her lips twist. “And I doubt it’s the last time you’ll speak.”
I scoff. “I’m not gonna fall in love with him or something.”
“I know, I know. It’s not you falling in love that I’m worried about,” she says. “I just don’t want to see either of you hurting.”
I don’t want to hurt Kai, either, but I wish I could keep him in my life somehow. I’ve missed him. Maybe that makes me selfish.
“Let’s talk about something else.” I shift under the covers, placing the phone next to me while I lay on my pillow. I love being aroace, but sometimes I feel like it’s a curse as much as it is a blessing. Everything around me keeps reminding me that life would be easier if I wasn’t.
“All right, let’s.” Mia places her phone on her vanity while she does her makeup. “What’s new with you?”
“Not much. I had to do press. Followed by doing press. More press. What about you?”
“Studying. Followed by studying. More studying…” She applies concealer under her eyes.
“How’s your internship?”
“I’ll tell you some other time. My brain is fried.”
There’s a long pause neither of us fills. I chalk it up to both of us being sleepy, but it’s been happening more and more lately, these silences. It’s like we’re running out of things to say.
I’d be lying if I said it doesn’t worry me.
“I’m sorry we didn’t get to go to college together, Mimi,” I blurt out. If I had, we would be making memories together instead of telling each other about the memories we made with other people.
Mia gives me a long, hard look I don’t know how to interpret. “College is only a few more years. We can move in together afterward. I’m not staying in New York.”
“I’d love that.” I smile, pushing away the unease in my chest. I can already picture us in a two-bedroom apartment, decorating our couch with too many plushies, driving to the grocery store at midnight, taking turns to make dinner, sorting through our laundry because we always end up wearing each other’s clothes.
“Gotta go. Jason’s here.” She grins and waves at me. “Love you! I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Just pick up! It always takes me like, five tries.”
“Okay, I’ll try. Love—” The call ends, and I’m left staring at my own reflection on the screen.
Be careful. Mia’s words ring across the darkness.
Maybe it’s the exhaustion, or maybe it’s that comment someone left me, about how aroace people are bound to die alone, but I can’t keep my mind from spiraling.
I thought being aro just meant not having a romantic partner, not that it would mean being alone.
How can I be alone when I have my friends and family?
But lately it feels like everyone I care about is drifting away.
It’s just me and my work, and everyone else is on the periphery.
Is this what the rest of my life is going to look like? If the only way to keep someone in my life, to build together, is to be in love, does it mean I’ll never be someone’s priority?
Dread fills my stomach, so I push myself to my elbows and reach for my phone. I may not run in real life like Mia, but I can definitely run from my thoughts.
Let’s see. A new chapter of a manga I’m following should be dropping right about now—
I sit up, my stomach sinking when I come face-to-face with a panel of my favorite character, dead on the battleground. All other thoughts are cast from my mind as I scan the pages. No! This can’t be! It’s so tragic.
Glimpses of a melody flit through my head, and I briefly wonder if I should record it before I forget.
My creative process is kind of weird, but when I latch on to a story or a character and imagine what it must feel like to be them, to experience their pain, their happiness—a rush of emotions flows through me, and music and lyrics pour out.
I pull out my guitar and play a few chords, turning my train of thought into a song. And then, through some dark magic, or a primordial black hole that dilates time in a way I’m not aware of, I lose track of how long I spend jotting down ideas. When my phone dings again, it’s 4:04 AM.
Fuck. There goes my sleep schedule. I should probably—
A DM request appears on my private account. Only a few people know this is me—I have a Pokémon as a profile picture, and I don’t even use my real name.
@KAIOLIVEIRA
HAVE YOU READ THE CHAPTER
@DITTOTHEDIVA
how did you find this account?
My heart thuds. I thought Kai had blocked me on everything.
@KAIOLIVEIRA
THERE IS NO TIME. HAVE YOU READ THE CHAPTER?
I snort. Maybe he’s not an art major, but if there’s someone who’d be up this late on a weekday waiting for a chapter to drop, it’s Kai.
@DITTOTHEDIVA
i have, and i have a theory. hear me out.
@KAIOLIVEIRA
actually, do you just want to grab lunch tomorrow? i have a theory too
@DITTOTHEDIVA
don’t you have class?
@KAIOLIVEIRA
this is more important.
I’m about to heart the message, but my fingers stop short of hitting Send.
Be careful. Mia’s words ring in my ears like an omen.
Maybe I shouldn’t hang out with him so soon.
Is it selfish of me to want to be close again if romance is out of the question?
Am I complicating things? Should I just let this friendship fade into nothing?
Am I supposed to just fade into nothing?
Is this what it means to be aroace? To disappear in everyone else’s noise?
@KAIOLIVEIRA
it’s totally okay if you’re busy. i forgot you’re famous now.
I am, which is an added layer of complexity I didn’t even consider. Deep down, I know what I have to do, so I draw in a long breath and steady my fingers before they fly over the keyboard.