Chapter Nineteen Hale
Suffice to say, morale is in the gutter.
I can feel it in the sluggish pace of the morning routine, can see it in the dullness of everyone’s gaze, and hear it in the way the usual noise inside these walls has become muted.
You’d think that I might even be grateful for a break in the constant commotion, but I’m definitely not happy about this.
Not when Noah is wandering around like a kicked puppy, his metaphorical tail between his legs. Even though nobody on the staff is giving him a hard time for the livestream, he’s beating himself up enough for it on his own.
Evan hasn’t been himself either. His default state is quiet and reserved, but he’s been more than that lately, and something tells me it doesn’t have anything to do with this recent scandal.
All the while, Lila is trying to stay upbeat enough for all of us.
Still, she’s been keeping to herself the past couple of days.
I haven’t really seen her since that stolen moment in my office.
I know she took a meeting with the Hawk in the conference room yesterday, but I wasn’t asked to be part of it. None of the guys were.
On top of that, donations haven’t budged in days. The sentiment online swing between outrage, disinterest, and performative pity. I’m worried the city council is one nudge away from making a decision we won’t be able to bounce back from.
Station 47 is losing the fight.
Except it’s my job to pretend that we aren’t.
Although I’ve never been known as a captain with ample social graces, I make my rounds. I start in the bay, casually maneuvering throughout the station until I end in the kitchen, making conversation and offering help in hopes that acting like everything is normal will make it normal.
Around noon, I find Evan in the lounge attached to the kitchen, nursing a mug of coffee and staring off into the distance while Old Bill mutters at the crossword in his lap. The local news is on in the background, covering something of international relevance instead of our downfall for once.
Evan glances up when I settle down on the sofa beside him. He’s all dark circles under his eyes and bowed shoulders, and it makes my chest clench when he makes a visible effort to perk up in my presence.
“Hey, Cap.”
“Hey.” I clap him on the shoulder. “How are you?”
“Good. All good. You?”
I don’t think anyone has ever told Evan that he’s a bad liar, but I’m not sure I have the heart to be the first to do it.
Ignoring his attempt to turn the small talk around on me, I ask, “How’s Leo doing?”
He must not realize that he flinches, but I don’t miss it. “Oh, he’s fine. Thanks for asking. He was covered in glitter glue when I left last night.”
“And what else?”
“Huh?”
“What else aren’t you telling me?”
Evan tenses automatically, then seems to remember I’ve never been one of the people that he’s had to hold up his defenses against. We go way back, and we’ve been through too much together.
And, thankfully, Old Bill is too busy grumbling about “three across.”
“There’s a custody hearing in a couple of weeks, actually,” Evan admits. “Bella’s cousin filed a motion with the help of a couple of Leo’s other blood relatives. They claim I’m not fit to raise him.”
Anger floods through me, but I keep my cool for his sake.
“That’s bullshit. You’ve been raising him since he was a baby. And on your own, for most of that time.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not his real dad.” Evan sighs and shakes his head. “Anyway, maybe they’re right.”
“Evan.”
“I work bizarre hours. Multiple overnights a week. Not to mention that a career in emergency response is extremely dangerous. I mean, I’m never in as much danger as you or Trent or whoever, but…
what if something happened to me? Leo would have nobody.
In fact, the only truly stable presence in his life is his nanny, but Rosa’s mostly just doing me a favor because she was good friends with Bella.
I would never expect her to step in as his guardian if… I don’t know.”
Usually, Evan is a man of few words. Maybe not as bad as me, but certainly not a chatterbox. So, the fact that he’s just let all of this pour out of him tells me that he’s been keeping way too much bottled up.
“Nothing is going to happen to you,” I assure him. “You’re too good at your job. Too careful, too meticulous, and too fucking smart to make a life-threatening mistake.”
“But—”
“And you’re the best thing that kid has. You’re steady, Evan. You’re present. You’ve given him a good home and more love than most kids gets.” More love than I got from my own father, that’s for sure. “Even the toughest of judges will see that.”
“It’s just that, with all the bullshit going on with the station…”
“You’re not going to lose Leo. I’ll personally do whatever I can to ensure it.”
Evan stares at me for a long moment. He doesn’t ask me to elaborate on what, exactly, I could possibly do to sway a judge’s opinion on the matter.
Especially when I’m currently the captain of a sinking ship.
But it doesn’t matter, because as soon as I have a spare moment, I’m going to sit down and figure it out myself.
“Thanks, Cap,” he says, offering me a weak smile. “I appreciate it.”
I clap him on the shoulder again.
“Fucking six-across,” Old Bill mutters, then looks up at us. “Either of you fellas know who the ‘doomed Prince of Denmark’ might be?”
“It’s Hamlet, bud,” Evan replies with a sigh.
“Ham-what?”
“Hamlet. The play? Shakespeare?”
“Huh. Can you spell that for me?”
I snort, clapping Evan on the shoulder a second time. “I’ll leave you to it.”
Heading out of the lounge, I walk past the spiral stairs that lead up to the mezzanine. Lila is up there right now, alone in her room working whatever magic she can to save our skin.
But honestly, all I can think about is her skin. Her satin smooth inner thighs brushing against my jaw, my neck, my shoulders. The sounds she made when I swirled my tongue over her…
Clearing my throat so loudly that it echoes and causes at least three people to jump, I detour down to the gym.
As expected, I find Noah there, punching a heavy bag so hard that the chain rattles with all the fervor of a prisoner attempting escape. He’s shirtless, coated in sweat, and out of breath to the degree that I wonder how long he’s been at this.
When I glance over at Rita questioningly, she offers me a wordless shrug and continues her bicep curls.
I head over to Noah. His gaze flicks to mine in the mirror stretched across the wall nearby, but then he quickly turns his attention back to the bag.
“Captain,” he greets me before throwing a flawless left-right-right jab.
“That bag do something to you?”
“Hmph.” Right-left-left.
“You know, that apology you gave was more than enough, especially with the father of that boy defending you so hard.”
“Mmhmm.” Left-right-left.
“Plus, Sandy and Clara were good to take partial responsibility. You’re a rookie, but they definitely should have known better.”
“Doesn’t change the fact that I’m the one who screwed up. Again.”
“You made a mistake.”
“I’m a liability.”
I scoff. “You’re an asset, Trent.”
Noah slams both of his fists into the bag, halting it from swinging back toward him too forcefully. I watched as he presses his forehead to it, closing his eyes as he tries to catch his breath.
“You should stop making excuses for me, Cap.”
“Well, it’s not your job to be telling me what I should be doing, is it?”
Nobody is acting the way they usually do. There’s no cheeky grin on Noah’s face, no boyish dimple popping out as he delivers a not-so-witty remark.
“Guess not,” he mutters, pushing away from the bag. He yanks off his gloves and tosses them onto the mat before dropping down beside them and flopping onto his back, chest still heaving.
Letting out a sigh, I sink down onto the mat nearby, resting back on my hands.
“You made your mistakes for the right reasons,” I tell him.
“That’s how I see it. You’re the type of guy who just wants to bring joy to people, and even though I can’t relate to that plight, I can’t fault you for it.
You were just trying to help, Trent. Even when your brain misfires, your heart is always in the right place. ”
“Put that on a greeting card, Cap.”
“I’m just telling you to stop beating yourself up. Because if you push yourself too hard, it’s going to make you sloppy when it matters most, and that’s what will make you a liability.”
Noah glares up at the ceiling, his breath gradually slowing down. “Aye-aye.”
“And cut the attitude while you’re at it.”
He huffs out a humorless laugh. “Sorry.”
“I know you are.”
Noah turns his head to the side, away from me. The gym is fairly empty. Rita’s got her massive headphones on, probably listening to one of her smutty audiobooks, and Jerry is over in the corner nodding along to the heavy metal he’s constantly destroying his eardrums with.
Essentially, this is a private conversation. So, when Noah turns his attention back to me, part of me knows that he’s about to address the blonde-haired, green-eyed elephant in the station.
“I have to tell you something.”
I nod my chin at him. “Go on.”
“I slept with Lila.”
I wait for it, that roaring wave of jealousy. The annoyance, the frustration, the possessiveness.
It doesn’t come. I frown in confusion, which makes Noah furrow his brow in turn.
“You gonna say something?” he presses.
“Don’t really know what to say. It’s none of my business, is it?”
“It’s against the rules, though. We did it in her room up on the mezzanine.”
I give him a deadpan look. “Interesting.”
“I’m full of stupid fucking mistakes. Seems like the only thing I’m capable of contributing to society.”
“Self-pity looks ugly on you,” I grumble. “Get over yourself. Just get over it, man. And for the record, you’re not the only one making mistakes where Lila is concerned.”
Noah raises his eyebrows. “Oh?”
“I ate her out in my office.”
The eyebrows shoot higher. “When?”
“About five minutes after our group meeting ended earlier this week.”
I brace myself, waiting for his jealousy, but Noah’s mouth curves slowly into an amused smirk before he drops his head back down onto the mat and says to the ceiling, “She already told me.”
“What?”
“Right before we, uh, really got busy with it, she told me what happened in your office.”
“Is that why you slept with her? To stake a bigger claim?” It’s an embarrassingly immature accusation, but it spills out of me before I can reclaim my decorum.
Noah merely snorts. “Nah, Cap. I slept with her because I like her. A lot.”
“I like her, too.” I sigh. “So does Evan.”
He nods. “She’s just so… warm. Like, there’s just this warmth to her, you know? Sounds stupid as fuck, but being around her is like sitting in the sun on a perfect spring day.”
“Poetic.”
“And she’s one of the few people that I don’t feel like I have to perform for,” Noah goes on.
“I like being goofy around her, and I love trying to make her laugh, but there’s no pressure attached to it.
No expectation. Somehow, I know that her appreciation for me isn’t contingent on how many smiles I can toss her way. ”
“I get it.” I pause to check that the conversation is still relatively private, then continue. “She’s a rare sort of woman. She doesn’t take my coldness personally. If anything, she seems to find some kind of weird comfort in how much of an asshole I can be.”
“You’re not an asshole, Cap. You just care a lot about doing things right. I’m sure that’s what she sees.”
I shrug. “Yeah, well… just treat her right, will you?”
Noah sits up, brow furrowed once more. “The hell are you talking about?”
“When the campaign ends, she’ll move out and be free to date you. So, you know, just… be good to her.”
The crease in his forehead only gets deeper. “You’ll just give her up that easily? You won’t even fight me about it?”
He seems almost offended on her behalf.
“Trent, she’s your age. You’re both bright little balls of sunshine. Outgoing and funny and devoted to your careers. You’re very well matched, and I think it’s obvious to literally everyone. You and Lila make sense. Me and Lila, on the other hand…”
Noah scoffs. “And what if she prefers Evan? She’s got a mouth on her when she gets worked up, but they’ve both got that diplomatic streak going for them. Effortless kindness, too. Plus, Leo’s obsessed with her.”
I fall quiet. It’s a good point. I guess that’s the real problem.
I can picture Lila with both of them, and I’d like to think that I could picture her with me, too.
I’d like to imagine that I could be a good man for her, a worthy partner.
But I’m not exactly working with a good track record—or a record at all for that matter.
At last, I let out an exhale and rise from the mat.
“I guess we’ll just have to see who she chooses,” I say. “If she chooses anyone at all, that is.”
Noah nods. “Yeah, I—”
The alarms start blaring. The radio on my belt crackles to life.
“Multi-alarm structural blaze. Upper West Side. Evacuations underway. All available units respond immediately.”