Chapter 27
TWENTY-SEVEN
Groaning, I roll over, a frown marring my face when I don’t fall off the edge like usual.
This bed is way too big and soft to be mine.
That’s when it all comes back and I sit up, my fist on my chest as I look around.
Daylight floods Noah’s room since he knows I like to wake up to it, and there’s water on the nightstand, but the room is empty other than me.
I’m naked, and I remember every single thing.
We . . . He . . . Shaking my head, I look at the empty spot next to me and panic.
Did he leave? Has he changed his mind?
Conan pops into my head, and guilt assaults me. I feel sick to my core. I’m going to have to tell him. I’m going to break his trust, and Noah might have already left, pushing me away again. I might have lost both of them because I’m greedy and can’t choose.
Is this what a panic attack feels like? Everything overwhelms me. I’m too hot, I can’t breathe, and I can’t move. It’s so fucking stupid, yet I can’t stop. I must look normal on the outside, but on the inside, I’m falling apart.
The more I try to breathe, the worse it gets, and when it finally passes, I feel so stupid that I slide from the bed, tears in my eyes once more. I need to know.
Pulling myself together, I get dressed in some of Noah’s clothes, my hands shaking as I pull on sweatpants and tie them since he’s bigger. His shirt hangs to my knees and smells like him, and it comforts me as much as it hurts.
Opening the bedroom door, I pad downstairs on silent feet, expecting the house to be empty.
It’s like I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop, like when you can’t look away from a crash. You know it’s going to happen, but you can’t tear your gaze away.
A noise causes me to stop on the last step, and I swear I see a ghost. Noah is moving around his kitchen in a tank top and shorts. Walking closer, I reach the island and hold on as he looks at me over his shoulder.
“Morning,” he calls while opening the fridge and grabbing some orange juice. I clutch the edge of the island as I watch him, waiting for his anger, but he pushes some juice toward me and turns away. “Drink that. It will help your stomach before we get some grease in you to absorb all that alcohol.”
He goes back to cooking, completely dismissing me. Never once does he touch or kiss me, nor does he mention last night.
He’s not acting like someone who hooked up with me. He’s acting like Noah, my boss, and I realize he will never give in to this. He might have when he was weak, but this morning, he’s back to pushing me away.
Nothing has changed.
I’m such an idiot.
I see my phone charging on the side, so I grab it, my stomach sinking when I see my messages.
Conan: Hope you got home okay.
Conan: I had such a good day and night with you.
Conan: You must be asleep. Goodnight, baby boy. Dream of me.
Conan: Good morning, how did you sleep?
Sickness rolls through me, and my head jerks up as I look at Noah. I’m an idiot. I let him have me because I thought he needed me as much as I needed him, and now I’ve broken two hearts—mine and Conan’s.
Years of repressed anger consume me, and my hands shake on my phone as I glare at his back. “Fuck you, Noah.”
He spins in shock, standing frozen with a spoon halfway to his mouth. “What?” He seems genuinely confused, and that only pisses me off more. For once, I raise my voice at him and let out all the years of pain, yearning, guilt, and hopelessness.
“That’s all you have to say? Good morning and what? After everything?”
He frowns at me as his eyebrows draw together in confusion, but I don’t let him speak.
“I should have known you would pull this shit. Stupid fucking me for thinking you would ever change, for thinking it would be different. You’re the same, taking what you want and then regretting it and punishing me for it.
Well, fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and fuck this thing between us.
I’m so goddamn tired of this push and pull, and I’m done.
” My chest heaves, but I mean it. If he can’t admit it after last night, then he never will, and I can’t live like this.
All the happiness I had for life has slowly been sucked away, leaving a broken, anxious man.
“Fuck this, and fuck you. I’m leaving, and I’m not coming back. I’m going to Blizzard. You won’t ever have to see me again. I’m done. I’m so fucking done.” I rush toward the door, needing to get out of here before I say something I will regret.
“Mackie, get back here!” he roars, sounding furious, and I would usually cave to his every command, but not anymore. I keep striding toward my exit, ignoring him as I hear his running footsteps slapping against the floor.
He catches my arm and swings me around, making me stumble into him before I step away.
“Let me go!” I shout as I yank out of his grip and hurry to the door. His arms wrap around me and lift me off the floor, and I struggle. “Let me go! Let me go!” I yell.
“Never,” he hisses in my ear as he turns us and sets me back down, his body blocking the door as I whirl on him.
My arm aches from his touch, but I ignore it as I glare at him.
He steps toward me, and I move back. He keeps advancing on me as I retreat, his eyes narrowed with fury.
“We are going to talk. No, I am going to talk, and you are going to listen. You aren’t going anywhere.
You work for me. You belong at Starfire, and I will never let you go anywhere else.
In regard to us, you didn’t even give me a second to react.
I was trying to give you time and space to think things through, but let me make one thing very fucking clear, baby,” he growls as he steps toward me, backing me up until I hit the island.
“I have no intention of going back to how we were. You’re mine now, and I have zero regrets.
I’m not pushing you away, I’m trying to give you time and space to accept it, but clearly you don’t need any, so let me remind you. ”
His lips crash onto mine, but I don’t kiss him back, too shocked to react. His hand wraps around my neck and tightens until I gasp for air, then his tongue sweeps into my mouth.
When he pulls away, I’m wide-eyed and confused.
“Don’t go,” he whispers. “Stay with me forever. I’ve made a mess of things in the past, but I promise I never will again.
I have a lot to make up for, a lot of trust to rebuild, but I will always be right here, and I will earn it back.
I’ll spend the rest of my life doing just that, until you’re never worried I will disappear again.
I’m right here, baby. I’m not pulling away or forgetting. I’m waiting, hoping I’m not too late.”
He looks like he’s holding his breath as he searches my gaze, and I feel tears fill my eyes as I look away.
Everything in me aches. My phone burns in my hand with betrayal and Conan’s messages, even as I lean into another man.
Everything is so messy. Noah isn’t pushing me away, he’s saying everything I’ve always wanted to hear, so why is my happiness tinged with regret?
Why, as I look at him, am I thinking of Conan?
“Talk to me, baby,” he implores, cupping my face. “I can’t help you if you don’t talk to me. I can fix anything, you know that, so let me help.”
“I still want him,” I blurt, and Noah frowns at me. “Conan, I still want him. I thought if you and me—I wouldn’t, but I do. I still want him.”
I see the hurt in his eyes, and it breaks me, but he doesn’t let go. “Okay, and do you still want me?” he asks.
“Yes,” I admit.
“Okay then . . .” He blows out a breath, as if he was terrified of my answer. “There’s an easy way to fix this.”
“There is?” I whisper in shock.
“Yes. I won’t give you up, and you can’t give him up, so date both of us,” he suggests.
“I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or make me jealous, but if this is how I get to keep you, then I’m okay with it.
I just want you to be happy, baby, and I know this is my fault, so talk to him and keep both of us if it’s what you want. ”
“Both . . . You could accept that?” I’m shocked. He went from not wanting me to admitting he does and being willing to share me with another man just to keep me. It’s too good to be true and doesn’t stop the guilt I feel when I see the hurt in his eyes.
“I can accept anything except losing you,” he whispers. “If you like him, if you need him, then have him, but have me too. Come home to me as well.”
“I—” I lick my lips, having no idea what to say.
He smiles softly as he kisses me like he can’t help himself. “I’m not going anywhere, Mackie. I’ll make that clear. Eat your breakfast and go home. Think about what I’ve said. Talk to . . . Conan.” He almost grits his name out. “I’ll be waiting right here.”
I need to talk to Conan, and Noah knows that. He kisses my head as he pulls away, then he moves around the kitchen once more, plating the food and putting it in front of me. He sits by my side, and when I just stare, he nods. “Eat, baby.”
Nodding robotically, I start to dig in, my stomach rumbling at how hungry I am. He watches me the entire time, his hand on my thigh under the table, as if reminding me how serious he is.
After eating, I pocket my phone and hesitate before putting on my shoes. “I better go,” I say. Things are awkward now, neither of us knowing what to say.
“Of course.” He stands and pulls me into his arms. “I mean it, Mackie. I’ll be right here. I’m not going anywhere. I’ll have you however I can.” He pulls away reluctantly, and I nod. It’s been a lot, and I need space and time. I need to figure out what I want because this isn’t fair to any of us.
“Can I ask one thing?” he calls as I walk to the door, and I turn back.
“Wear this when you meet him, so I’m with you.
” He undoes the chain he always wears around his neck and moves to me, draping it around my own instead.
“It will make me feel better, and when you are unsure, you’ll feel it there and remember how serious I am. ”
He’s smiling. Leaning up, I kiss his cheek. “Goodbye, Noah.” I hurry to the door, but I glance back again to see him watching me. He looks lost and scared, but I don’t return to him.
I need to figure this out, and I can’t with him next to me.
For once, I’m walking away from him, the scars in our hearts bleeding.