Chapter 64
SIXTY-FOUR
It’s not hard to find downtime with my boyfriend. We don’t have a schedule like I once joked, but we do sometimes ask the other for alone time. Surprisingly, Conan is a good friend and an even better roommate, since he likes to cook.
Tonight, he’s on a late shoot, so I can spend my last night before surgery with Mackie.
He didn’t even ask. He must have just sensed it, and I can’t thank him enough as I hold Mackie in my arms, in my bed, where he should always be.
We had a small meal together, but I think we were both too nervous to eat.
Tomorrow is the day I have been dreading.
He’s stayed upbeat about it, being my strength and pillar, but when Mackie lifts his head from my chest, I see the worry in his eyes as they cloud with tears.
My own fear returns. I can’t be strong for me, but I can be strong for him. I promised I would never hurt him again, and I don’t break promises.
“Noah, I’m scared,” he whispers, his lip quivering.
Pressing my finger to his lips, I silence his words. “We only think of tonight, not tomorrow or beyond, okay?”
“Okay,” he whispers as I pull my finger away. “Then let’s make the night last forever.” His lips press against mine in a hungry, devouring kiss, just like the first one he ever gave me.
I drown in him, letting him take over until there is nothing else to think of but him. I let him kiss and touch me, even as tears wet my lashes at how gentle he is being. When he straddles me and takes my length, I’m gone.
My hands slide up his chest as I stare at him lovingly. He winds his hips, leaning down to press his lips to mine. We are simply two people who know each other’s hearts and bodies better than anyone else.
We make love like we can make it last forever if we try.
Hours pass with us joined, neither of us wanting to reach the finish line, but everything ends, even the best things. “I’m with you,” I whisper as my release fills me and then him.
“Forever.” His lips meet mine as he finds his own release.
It wasn’t depraved, dark, filthy, or rushed. It was love, pure and simple, and it’s what we both needed, a reminder of our mortality and truth.
Keeping him in my arms, I kiss his face and breathe in his scent just in case.
I want to remember his smile, his laugh, and the way he looks at me.
All the years working side by side, no matter what happens tomorrow, that is what I will think of, and if my time is up, I’ll have lived a thousand lifetimes with him.
“I love you, Noah. I’ve loved you since before I realized what that meant, and nothing will ever change that. Where you go, I go. We’ll deal with everything else together. If you can’t trust anything else, then trust me. I’m not done with you yet.”
I can’t help but smile as I tug him into my arms so he can never be free.
It’s only then that I feel whole and strong enough to face what may come.
“I love you too, with everything in me. If these last few months is all we have, then it’s been better than any lifetime, but I’m coming back to you, baby. I promise.”
I’ll fight tooth and nail to come out of this and home to him, where I belong.
Sometime later, I wake to a hand slipping into my free one, and I glance over at Conan as he smiles, nothing but friendship on his face.
“We are with you,” he whispers as he glances at Mackie, who’s sprawled across me, sleeping. “Tomorrow is just another race for you to win, and when you’re done, he’s your prize.”
“Thank you,” I whisper as I settle down and sleep, held by both of them so fear can’t get me.
Today is the day. Everyone has kept me busy so I didn’t have time to think about it or back out.
I’m never alone, to my annoyance. If it isn’t Mackie or Conan with me at all times, it’s Alek or Sky annoying me.
I know why they are doing it, and I’m grateful, but after my pre-op checks, I look at them with fear in my heart.
“Give me a second,” Mackie whispers, and everyone else steps back as he takes my hand. I’m in a wheelchair, already in the gown. Kneeling beside me, Mackie presses my hand to his cheek and smiles.
For weeks, we’ve gone over the risks, what will happen during the operation, and the aftercare.
I have more information and leaflets than I know what to do with, but Mackie has taken it all in stride.
My house is filled with food and smoothies, which will aid in healing, and even herbal tea his grandma got me.
He’s planning for after, but I can’t, too worried there won’t be one.
Mackie and my father have taken over all my business dealings for now, and all they want me to do is focus on getting better. I dare not tell them how scared I am that there might not be a later. I know they need hope, so I let them, but faced with the reality now, I can admit I’m scared.
“Look at me. It’s going to be okay. You’ll be fine, and then you’ll wake up and be better. I’ll be right here,” he promises.
“Promise me you’ll be the first thing I see,” I beg.
“Of course,” he murmurs as he kisses my hands. “Don’t worry about anything else, just come back to me.”
I know he’s scared, even if he won’t say it, so I kiss him, our lips lingering like it’s our last. “I won’t say it,” he croaks. “I won’t say goodbye because you’re coming back to me. You’ve been my entire life, Noah, and I plan to be the rest of yours, so you better fight.”
“For you? Always,” I murmur as I lean back, trying to be strong for him and everyone watching us.
They surround us then, wishing me well. Mackie’s grandma kisses me, making my eyes widen. “For strength. See you after, my boy.”
Nodding, I look at my friends and take a deep breath. “I’ll be right back, I guess.”
I leave Mackie with Conan and the others as they take me back, and the nerves finally kick in.
“If I don’t wake up,” I whisper to my dad as we linger at the door, “take care of Mackie for me.”
“I will, but you’re going to wake up, and we will be here,” he promises as he kisses my head. “I’m so proud of you, son. I always have been. Go beat this like you do everything else and come home to your family.”
“Sir, you can’t go past here,” the nurse cautions, and he nods, his hand lingering in mine before I’m wheeled through. The last sight I have is Mackie behind my father, his eyes round and scared, but he smiles at me, and it’s that smile I remember as I’m put under.
He’s the very last thing I ever want to see. If this is it for me, then at least I get to choose, and I choose Mackie so I can hold onto it and him.
It feels like only seconds ago I was being wheeled away, but as my eyes open slowly, awareness coming back, I know time has passed.
My eyes are opening.
Does that mean I survived?
“Is this heaven?” I whisper as I look at Mackie’s worried face.
He would be my heaven.
His face scrunches up, and tears flow from his eyes as he kisses me. I blink, still feeling a little hazy. “Not heaven, dummy,” he replies. “The surgery is over. You’re okay.”
“I am?” My mouth feels weird, but I also feel loopy.
Henry appears, checking my monitors as he grabs my chart.
“Your surgery was a great success. There were a few complications, but you will be completely fine now. The next few days will be hard, and we’ll need to run some tests on speech and mobility, but we have high hopes since you’re already talking and trying to move,” he reports clinically as I look around the room, finding it full of my friends.
My dad is next to Mackie, and he smiles when I catch his eyes before he turns away, his face screwing up as he hides his tears.
“I’m okay?” I whisper, barely able to believe it. For the last few years, I thought I had a death sentence, just waiting for the day it would kill me. I lived in fear, and now it’s just . . . gone?
“All you need to do now is rest,” Henry orders as he scribbles on my chart.
“It shouldn’t be a problem with all these people here looking after you.
” He smiles at me as he presses his hand to my shoulder.
“I’m glad you made the right choice, Noah.
Welcome back to the land of the living. Now go and live your life. ”
I watch him leave before I turn to see Mackie with tears streaming down his face. “I told you that you’re fine. We’re fine.”
Nodding, I feel tears well in my eyes, and I close them for a moment, thanking anyone who is listening that they gave me another chance. I’ll never waste another second or take anything for granted. I’ll live every second to its fullest.
“I’m just here to change his IV. Sorry.” I open my eyes to see a nurse standing beside me. “Can you tell me your name?” she asks me, and blame the drugs or happiness, but I grin.
“Noah. This is Mackie, my boyfriend.” I lift his hand as he scoffs. “And that is my boyfriend’s boyfriend, Conan.”
She blinks, looking around. “Oh, um, that’s nice. Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt.” She giggles, hiding her face as she turns away, and my dad chuckles as he claps my shoulder.
“That will be the drugs, son, make the most of it.”
I smile as I look around, meeting Skylar’s and Alek’s eyes.
“They are right. Don’t worry about a thing, old man. We have it all handled. Just rest.”
“Oh Jesus, not you two handling anything. I won’t have a garage left.”
Everyone laughs, and I finally realize the balloons in the room have writing on them.
“Do those balloons say, ‘Congratulations on not dying?’”
“I got, ‘Sorry you are dead,’ as well, but luckily we didn’t need them,” Skylar jokes.
“Don’t worry, I already kicked him,” Mackie murmurs as he kisses my cheek. “Rest now. You have the rest of your life for everything else.”
He’s right, I do, with him at my side and my family around me.
That’s the funny thing about fear. I was so scared before when it would happen, but now I’m even more terrified—terrified I’ll get everything I ever wanted and still won’t have long enough.
I guess we’ll see.