Chapter 18 #2
“It’s not that complicated, either. All you have to do is acknowledge you still have things worth living for.
Snowboarding. Your friends and family. Me?
” My voice is shaky as that last word comes out, probably because I didn’t intend to say it.
Not yet, anyway. I can’t take it back though, so I let it linger between us, my breath trapped in my lungs as I wait for him to respond.
Chest heaving, Ryder glares at me, though there’s a hint of pain mixed with the anger in his eyes.
I’m expecting him to storm off, to run away from the truth he’s not ready to face like he has been for weeks.
Instead, he threads his fingers in my hair and pulls me to him, crushing our lips together.
His tongue delves into my mouth, licking forcefully along mine. Unrestrained. Furious almost, with a hint of desperation hidden just beneath the urgency. As if his body made a decision before his mind could catch up, and now he’s lost to the pull between us.
He closes in, trapping me against the wall as his mouth plunders mine.
Devouring.
Demanding.
Taking.
And I give, letting pent up desire and pure need take over.
“Tell me to leave,” he grumbles when he comes up for air.
“Why?” My tongue darts out to lick along his lower lip.
“I’ll only end up hurting you.” Eyes squeezed shut, he rests his forehead against mine, still panting heavily.
I don’t know if he means emotionally or physically, and while that should bother me either way, it doesn’t.
What’s happening right now is a breakthrough.
He’s feeling. It might be just as much anger as arousal, but it’s something.
If I stop this now it might send him back inside his head, making things worse, and ruining any shot of exploring this thing between us.
So, I’ll go with it, letting him use me to work through his emotions.
Plus, I’m not complaining. I’m horny as hell—have been ever since that first kiss.
And even though it’s laced with rage and confusion, no one’s ever kissed me this passionately before. I don’t want it to end.
“I can take it.” My acceptance sends a stilted groan rumbling up his throat just before he crushes his lips to mine.
His kiss is hungry. Bordering on frantic as he tugs at the hem of my shirt, breaking away just long enough to tear it over my head. I work his off, too, sliding my palms over the sleek planes of his chest as we come together again.
My lips feel chafed from the brutality of our kiss, the hint of stubble that scrapes over them as we fight to consume each other.
But the fervent desire pumping through my veins, coupled with the pleasant tingle in my cock, keeps me from pulling away.
Instead, I chase the pleasure, grinding my hips forward in search of friction.
Running my palms over his firm pecs, I tease his nipples to hardened peaks. The firm ridge of his dick presses against mine, and an embarrassingly wanton moan passes through my lips at the contact.
“It sounds like you want my cock.” His fingers undo the button on my jeans, sliding them over my hips as I fumble to get his off.
A whimper is the only sound I can make as his pants hit the floor, and I get my first good look at him.
Years of racing have made his torso lean and defined, with a slight V of muscle pointing to the heavy cock that bobs between his legs. Yeah, I definitely want that.
A devious chuckle echoes through the room as I lick my lips, but I’m too wound up to care that I’m showing him all my cards. He may test my patience—and my sanity—like no one else, but he also tests my restraint, and right now I have none left.
I stare, enthralled, as he rocks his hips forward just enough that his cock rubs against mine. Another needy cry leaves my throat, and he takes that for the invitation it is, pushing forward so our dicks glide together.
“Fuck, you’re slick.” He looks between us as he frots against me, seemingly entranced by the way my precum makes his shaft glisten.
“Are you gonna be tight, too?” He drags his cock back and forth again, forcing me to bite back a groan as each and every nerve along my rigid length seems to ignite with need.
“Only one way to find out.” I don’t recognize the raspy tone in my voice, the blatant challenge in my words. I don’t care, either. All I want is for him to sate my growing need.
The tendons in Ryder’s neck flex as he swallows. Then he coats a finger in my precum, lifts my leg, and nudges the digit inside.
A cry gets trapped in my throat as he fills me, the sudden intrusion tinged with both pleasure and pain, though the discomfort quickly fades as my body remembers what it’s like to have a man inside me.
“So fucking tight.” He pumps back and forth, a little fast given the fact his finger isn’t that slick, but since it’s just the one it doesn’t feel bad. I have to stop him before he adds another though.
“Couch,” I gasp as I pull his hand away. “Lube.”
Ryder’s dazed expression makes me think he didn’t hear me, so I let out an undignified squeal when he wraps my legs around his waist and carries me to the living room.
“Where?” he grunts as he deposits me on the couch.
“Coffee table.” I tilt my head toward the furniture in question. I live alone, I rarely have company, don’t judge.
Fortunately, he doesn’t, just helps himself and slathers his cock before pressing it against my hole.
If it were anyone other than Ryder I’d be offended by the lack of prep, but moments like these, with him, are so rare I don’t want to ruin his focus. Plus, I have a healthy relationship with my dildo, so it’s unlikely he’ll hurt me in his urgency.
No sooner does that thought cross my mind than my breath gets caught in my lungs as he pushes in. Slow and steady, thank God, but he doesn’t stop until he’s seated to the hilt.
Resting his forehead against the cushion beneath me, Ryder’s chest heaves against mine as he shifts his pelvis just slightly.
Whether soaking up how it feels to be buried so deep or testing how far he can go, I’m not sure.
Regardless, I don’t have time to question before he pulls back and slams in, hands squeezing my ass as he bottoms out.
A strangled groan rumbles from his throat. “Gonna go to hell for this,” he mumbles, then the damn breaks.
Whatever demons he was working out or restraint he was clinging to is overcome by carnal need.
He pistons his hips back and forth, pounding his cock into me as hard and fast as our bodies will allow.
The sound of skin slapping on skin reverberates through the room as he slams our bodies together, almost as if with enough force he could actually fuse us into one. Or fuck himself into oblivion.
I know the latter is more likely, and I shouldn’t let him use me that way.
But right now, desire outweighs all sense of dignity.
And common sense. For once in my life, I want to act on feeling, not logic, and what he’s doing to me right now feels incredible.
Will he retreat after this? Probably. But that’s nothing new, and if it happens, I’ll be ready for it.
Besides, I truly believe after the initial freak out he’ll see what I do.
That there’s something between us worth exploring, above and beyond the chemistry we have.
And I’m not opposed to relying on that chemistry to prove it.
Meeting him halfway, I moan into his mouth as he plunders deep.
Lips, teeth, and tongues clashing as our war of wills turns physical, each of us battling for the upper hand the same way we battle at work.
Only this time, I’m not looking to fight against him, but with him, as we push each other higher and higher.
He breaks away with a strangled cry as he drives deep, holding me flush against him as he plants a foot on the ground and resumes his punishing pace.
The new position puts more friction on my cock while the relentless pounding hammers my prostate with each thrust. It’s rough, but the carnal urgency has me spiraling toward the finish.
Ryder’s jaw is locked tight, his hooded eyes telling me he’s not far behind.
Throaty cries spill from my lips as the pressure builds deep within, and I shamelessly grind against him to take what I need.
Rubbing my palms over his ass, round and tight from doing the equivalent of a squat down the face of a mountain year after year, I pull him deeper.
“I feel your greedy little hole getting tighter.” His rhythm falters for a second before he resumes. “You ready to come on my dick?”
“Yes!” I cry.
Ryder’s neck stretches as he groans, circling his hips into me. His thick cock drives deep, hitting me just right. The pressure explodes, tremors wracking my body as my release seeps between us.
“Oh fuck.” His eyes roll back in his head as his eyelids flutter closed, and he thrusts forward one last time, sending another quake through my core.
He stills, suspended above me with his lips slightly parted in awe.
Then he jerks back and pulls out of me, wrapping his fist around his dick and squeezing the length as a stream of white liquid shoots from his tip and lands on my stomach.
Kneeling above me, his gaze settles on my abdomen, jaw slack with a mix of shock and fear.
“It’s ok. I’m on prep.”
His eyes blink into focus, traveling over my stomach and landing on the hand still wrapped around his swollen cock. “What the fuck? It’s not okay. That was... I should…fuck!!” He lets go of his dick, which slaps against my abdomen as he runs a shaky hand through his hair.
“I’ve gotta get out of here.” He pops off the couch and starts grabbing at his clothes, rushing to put them on.
Shit. I knew he’d probably backpedal after letting himself feel something—I’ve seen it before after his facade started to crack—though I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. And I didn’t expect it to sting this much.
Taking a deep breath, I will myself to remember his reaction right now is more about him than me. It doesn’t make his panic hurt any less, but it keeps me from feeling like it’s me specifically he regrets instead of the situation.
I wish there was something I could say to make this better, but I’ve seen this reaction so many times over the years with other clients, I know my words won’t chase away the demons. Only he can do that.
Even though it pains me, I don’t fight him. Instead, I sit up and watch him dress over the back of the couch. I hate that I can’t help noticing what a damn nice view it is, even under these circumstances.
“Toss me my clothes, please.” I force my voice to sound normal, though I’m feeling anything but, knowing my calm will help to bring down his anxiety.
Ryder pauses with his arms through the sleeves of his shirt and cocks his head to the side like he’s confused by my reaction. Then he pulls the fabric on and bends down to snatch up my clothes.
Arm extended, he takes a few steps forward so he can give them to me, averting his eyes from my nearly naked body.
It’s better than having him observe me with regret, confirming my suspicion that he’s confused about what he did, not who he did it with.
That subtle sign of respect makes it possible for me to keep my head level.
“See you at work tomorrow, yeah?” I pull my shirt on, feeling somewhat relieved that the fabric acts as a shield. Stupid, but comforting in its own way.
“Yeah,” he grunts, ducking his head as he turns for the door.
Yet, instead of rushing through it, he pauses with his hand on the knob and rests his forehead against it.
“Sorry for… Look, I’m broken. I know you know that.
If you don’t want me to break you too, you’ll stay away.
” Then he flings it open and stalks out into the night.
Well, that went…worse than expected.
Ryder’s letting himself do and feel things he was determined not to when we first met, and where I see that as progress, he sees further proof that he’s not worthy of redemption, even when he hasn’t done anything wrong.
Now, he’ll probably associate me with something he’s screwed up and go out of his way to avoid me.
I really thought we were getting somewhere.
Maybe I saw what I wanted to, instead of what was there.
The way he kissed me… I was sure he wanted this as much as I did.
And yes, I expected a little bit of panic to follow since he’s still coming to terms with his demons, but I thought it would come tomorrow morning, and that I’d have time to reassure him he’d done nothing wrong.
Based on the way he bolted out of here, he’s either on the verge of a breakthrough and he needs space to come to terms with that, or he’s retreating to a place where I can no longer reach him. I can only hope it’s the former.