Epilogue
Life on the circuit is both easier and harder than I remember.
The fact Chase is missing never goes away. I feel his absence as I’m putting my gear on, after I’ve crossed the finish line, and sitting in my hotel room–which he’d either share with me if he was around, or where I’d call him from at the end of the day.
It’s less noticeable when Hayden’s around.
Still, he doesn’t stop me from thinking about him.
The opposite actually. He encourages me to talk about Chase, to recount stories of the races we attended together, and other adventures we had as kids.
I hate that he’ll never know my brother—they would’ve gotten along well considering neither of them ever put up with my bullshit—but I’ve gotten to the point where I know Chase would be happy I found him.
He’d get a kick out of seeing us go head-to-head, which we still do.
Mostly it’s over stupid shit, like whether we liked a movie or not, and sometimes I’ll pretend to hate one he liked just to rile him up.
Sparring with him gets my blood pumping as much as riding does, and the result is usually pretty satisfying for both of us, especially when he travels with me.
When he’s not around, my fellow racers have gone out of their way to be there.
On the slope, we’re still competitors of course, but off of it they keep me busy by going out to eat, watching movies, even just goofing off on the mountain.
Oddly, I think that’s the thing that’s having the biggest impact.
I never used to take the time for fun during the racing season.
Every run was dedicated to going as fast as I could, and while that made me a top rider, it knocked my life off balance.
Now, I take the time to enjoy just being on the mountain, and I’m still putting up good times.
The last race of the season I even took third, which makes me feel pretty confident about my ability to be back on top next year.
Right now, though, I’m ready for a break.
And to face all the people who tolerated me during my worst moments.
Since I went back on the road right after getting my shit together, I haven’t had the opportunity to thank them for not giving up on me, and I’ll get to do that tonight at the welcome home party Lennon’s hosting at Murphy’s on the Mountain.
“Ready?” Hayden gives my hand a little squeeze as we approach the front door. He knows I still have a little guilt over the way I acted after Chase’s death, and that I’m nervous despite knowing everyone understands.
“Ready.” I squeeze his hand back and usher him through the door.
My idiot friends chant my name as I enter, and a massive lump settles in my chest. I duck my head and give them a lame little wave, stalling so my voice will sound normal when I have to use it.
Carter is the first to approach, holding out his hand. I let go of Hayden as I take it, pulling him in for a hug as he drifts away to talk to the guys.
There are so many things I could say to him…
This guy stuck his neck out for me when I hadn’t given him any reason to.
Hell, I’d barely spoken to him at all before he swooped in to help get me back on track, and I didn’t exactly welcome his generosity.
But like Hayden, he never gave up on me, and I can appreciate that now.
If I’m being honest, the two of them saved my life, and while Hayden knows I feel that way, I don’t know how to put that into words with Carter. Except to say, “Thanks, man.”
“Anytime.” He slaps me on the back, and as I pull away, I realize stopping the tears is futile. All I can do is wipe them away as they fall.
Blake and Axel come by next, followed by Cade, then Deacon. And for someone who is always the cockiest guy in the room, he almost looks guilty.
“Why do you look like that?” I ask as he hands me a drink. A soda, since I’m still taking a break from the booze.
“Like what?”
“Like you just ran over your neighbor’s dog.”
“I was the only one who wasn’t worried about your drinking. Maybe if I had been, you wouldn’t have missed the first half of the season.”
“If you had been on my case, I would’ve retreated from everyone and kept on drinking my pain away. I’d probably still be doing that. And even if you didn’t stop me, you were there when I needed you and took care of me when I went too far. So, don’t blame yourself for my mistakes.”
“I don’t know.” He shakes his head back and forth. “Still feels like I let you down.”
“That’s not how I see it. And in the end missing the first half of the season was a good thing. I learned how to balance racing with other things that are important to me.” Deacon follows my gaze as it drifts to Hayden.
“Can’t say I’m happy about losing my wingman,” he sighs, “but I am happy for you. Guess he isn’t an ice prick after all, huh?”
“He’s still frosty.” I grin as I catch his eye from across the room. “But I like him that way.”