Chapter 6 #2
“Sometimes when Dad and I were together and he’d be…
he’d be behind me, he’d cover my head with a pillow and he’d say Eli’s name.
” A sob got caught in my throat, but I forced it back.
“The things he said… they were disgusting. Afterwards, he’d whisper things in my ear…
things meant for Eli. It made me sick. But then things would go back to normal and he’d take me to a baseball game or fishing or whatever.
And I’d think it wasn’t so bad – that it had all been worth it.
After a while he’d start talking about how he wished Eli was around more and the whole thing would start all over again and I just… ”
I shook my head and automatically reached for my arm and began digging my nails into my skin as I slid back from Jace. Why the hell had I said anything? And why couldn’t I stop talking?
“How was I supposed to tell the same therapist that Eli was seeing the truth – that I was jealous that that sick fuck liked Eli more than me? That it felt like he was cutting me open with a knife every time he fucked me and whispered Eli’s name instead of mine.
Tell me what that doctor could have said to me to make the shit that goes through my head okay! ”
I tried to escape the bed, but Jace caught me just as I was scooting off the edge of the raised platform. His arm went around my waist and he pulled me back against his chest.
“Don’t!” I shouted. “Don’t touch me!”
I ripped the Band-Aid off my arm and dug my fingers into the cuts. The pain helped, but it wasn’t enough to stem the agony that tore me open inside. Jace grabbed my wrist to stop me and pinned my arms at my sides. His arms were like iron bands around me that I had no hope of escaping.
“Shhh, just take deep breaths for me,” he whispered in my ear.
“No! Let me the fuck go, Jace!” I screamed, not caring who heard me at that point.
Jace ignored my demand and continued to murmur into my ear, but I was too far gone to hear anything. I was so angry that he’d asked me the question in the first place. I’d heard so many times from Eli and Mav and my stepmother that talking to someone would help, but it was all bullshit.
So I took my rage out on Jace. I ranted, I raved and I called him every name in the book, but those soft words never let up.
The ones reminding me to breathe.
And telling me it was okay to let go.
And promising he was there and he wasn’t going anywhere ever again.
That was harder to hear than anything else.
That whispered vow was what kept me fighting, even when my body told me to give it up.
By the time my muscles gave out, I could barely breathe.
My throat hurt from screaming and crying and I couldn’t see because of the tears that continued to seep from my pained eyes.
Snot was coming from my nose, but I didn’t care about that either.
I just wanted to call back my admission.
And I wanted to see my blood flow so that I had some shred of proof that I was still human.
Because I didn’t know what I was anymore.
I had no idea how much time passed before I felt like I could breathe again.
I expected Jace to release me, since I’d calmed enough that I wasn’t fighting him anymore.
But he didn’t. He just kept holding me until I slumped back against him.
When I did, he said, “I think that doctor would have told you that what happened to you and Nick and Eli was beyond comprehension. I think she would have told you that your mind had to cope with that level of depravity in the only way it could and that there is no making sense of any of it. And she would have told you the same things she’s probably had to tell Eli over and over again. ”
Jace paused before whispering his next words one agonizingly slow syllable at a time.
“It’s. Not. Your. Fault.”
He gave me a little shake. “Do you hear me? It’s. Not. Your. Fault.”
I sucked in lungsful of air as the anxiety in my belly began to grow every time he spoke.
It was too much.
It was just too fucking much.
Jace’s mouth pressed against my ear and I heard him let out an almost agonizing sounding whimper. “Please, Caleb. Even if you don’t believe me, say you hear me. Please.”
I didn’t believe him.
I couldn’t.
But I wanted him to not hurt anymore.
And I knew he had to be hurting.
A man like Jace didn’t beg – unless maybe he was desperate.
I didn’t answer him out loud. I didn’t have the strength for that.
But I did nod.
Just once.
It appeared to be enough for Jace, because his hold eased on me just a little bit. He held me there like that for several more seconds before he said, “Come back to bed, Caleb. Let me hold you.”
There were no platitudes about how things would look better in the morning or requests asking me to believe him. All he’d asked was for me to hear him and to hold me.
And it was probably me stretching things, but I wanted to believe he’d asked to hold me not just for me, but for him too.
I wasn’t sure how Jace knew it was safe to release me and urge me back into bed, but he did.
We ended up in our regular position, with him pressed up against my back, his arm around my waist. I hadn’t noticed, but at some point, he’d grabbed some tissues.
I didn’t resist as he worked my sleeve up and mopped up the blood that had started flowing from the three small cuts after I’d gouged at them with my fingers.
He held the tissues against my skin for several minutes until the bleeding stopped .
We didn’t speak, because there was nothing to say.
Nothing had changed. I wasn’t magically fixed and the urge to cut hadn’t gone away. I’d done it all for nothing. I hadn’t even managed to drive Jace away with the humiliating admission that I was so much more than a freak who sliced up his own skin to feel better.
So if nothing had changed, why did I feel different?
Not better, exactly.
Just… different.
Emptier maybe, but not in the way I liked.
It wasn’t until my eyes drifted closed and the edge of sleep crept in that I realized what was different. I wasn’t emptier. No, that definitely wasn’t the right word.
Jace’s muscled arm tightened around my midsection as his breath fanned over the back of my neck, and I wanted to smile. Did he think I would float away from him while we were sleeping?
And that was when it hit me.
That different feeling… I wasn’t feeling emptier, but something else entirely. Something I hadn’t felt in a really long time.
Lighter.