Shattered Dreams (King’s Crossing #6)

Chapter One

CHAPTER ONE

Zarah

I stare at the picture a lot longer than I should. I knew he was going out, I heard him ask her when he stormed out of the café, while I sat there trembling, wondering what the fuck I just did.

I didn’t understand that all the plans I thought about while I wrote out my lists, all those plans, would have brought me more joy if I had Gage by my side.

Maybe I didn’t want to believe just how replaceable I am.

He never brought me anywhere like that, to the bar in the photo. Never introduced me to the friends squeezing together at the table he shares with that barista.

I wasn’t good enough for him to be seen out in public with me. We always stayed in, at his place or the house, never went to the movies after that one night because I still have a hard time following a plot, never met up with anyone from his life because we always preferred to be alone.

That’s what I thought.

Now I know he was embarrassed to be seen with me, and he hid me away so photos like this wouldn’t surface online.

He had no problem going out, letting paparazzi photograph him, letting that woman Sierra hang on him, her forehead pressed against his temple while they laugh.

Did he sleep with her that night? Did he bring her back to his apartment, peel off her clothes, settle between her legs, and screw her in his bed where he and I made love so many times? She would be fun...they would try new things because she wouldn’t have the hangups about sex that I do. He wouldn’t have to worry if what he wanted to do to her would cause flashbacks or if she would have nightmares later. He wouldn’t have to worry if what he wanted to do would trigger an anxiety attack because it’s something one of Ash’s jobs made her do.

I picture them eating ice cream in bed, him licking the chocolate off her belly while she moans.

Our lovemaking was always so serious because he never wanted to hurt me, always checking to be sure we were on the same page, that the things we were doing were okay.

He could take her from behind, that Sierra, because she was never forced against a bed by a job. He probably played with her ass, too, something he never, ever, asked me about, no doubt labeling me a frigid prude and not bothering to bring up something I would be sure to say no to.

Zarah Maddox, heiress to the Maddox fortune, so prim, so proper, she wouldn’t want to do butt stuff.

Stella told me once she and Zane do that kind of thing, that he loves playing with her there, and she likes it, too. I thought about asking Gage how he felt, if he liked it, but now I’ll never get the chance to explore that side of sex. He’s the only person I would ever ask, the only person I would ever trust to that extent in bed.

A tear drops onto the cell phone screen.

Isn’t that what I wanted for him, though? For him to be happy with someone who deserves him? Someone who could make him happier than I could?

Jerricka’s text lights up my phone. I’m sorry about the photo. You did the right thing.

I suppose everyone knows Gage and I are done. Truth or Dare wasted no time putting it out there, and the only thing that will overshadow the news of Gage’s and my breakup is Zane and Stella’s wedding.

She pokes her head into my room. “You should stop looking at it.”

I’m lying in bed, the comforter pulled up to my chin. I missed breakfast, and I’ve only crawled out of bed to go to the bathroom and swallow my poison.

She’s dressed in jeans and a sweater, her hair done and makeup in place. We still haven’t found her a dress to wear at the courthouse, and I promised I would go today. It’s not her fault I regret my choice to let Gage go. It’s not her fault that even if I had some kind of hopeless wish to ask him to take me back, the idea blew up in my face the second I saw this picture.

He’s already moved on. He doesn’t want me anymore.

I click my phone off. “Better?”

Contrite, I look away. She doesn’t deserve my bad mood aimed at her. Had I consulted her before I broke up with Gage, I wonder what she would have said. She’s a pure romantic, and she probably would have said something like, “If you love him, why break up with him? If you love him, what does anything else matter?”

It would have been so simple to listen to her advice and accept that I love him and he loves me, and we were going to have a lasting relationship despite the odds.

“Give him time to cool off, then go talk to him. He’s hurting, Zarah, and he was blowing off steam. When I went to see him, I asked if he slept with her, and he said, well, he said it’s not any of my business, but I think I would have seen it on his face. You asked him for space. Now you have it, so stop wallowing. He loves you. He’ll wait.”

“How can you be sure?”

“Because he looked just as miserable as you do. You broke it off for a reason. I don’t know what that reason is, but you do. If you don’t do something with all this pain, you’ve broken his heart for nothing. So, get up and shower. I need to find a dress. This is the last day I can look or I’m just going to wear something I already have. Zane isn’t going to care.”

“Are you mad at me, Stella?” I ask, my voice shaking.

It’s my one true fear—that someone will be mad at me. Gage learned that quickly and always told me if he was mad or simply frustrated. If he was mad, we worked it out. I hate the uncertainty of wondering if someone will forgive me or if I’ll lose them over something I said or did.

“No, I’m not mad. I hurt for you because you thought you were doing the right thing and you messed up.” She sits on my bed and grips my hand. We’re like that, you know. Close. “Either use the time and do some of the things you said you wanted to do, or go find him right now and admit you made a mistake. Those are your two options. He loves you, and you hurt him. He’s not going to get over that in just a couple of hours. You broke his trust, and you know as well as I do, once trust is broken, it’s a bitch to fix.”

“I know. Jerricka said I did the right thing.” I show her the text, my tears smeared on the screen.

“Zarah—” She stops and sighs. “I know you like her and value her opinion, and maybe she even had a point, maybe you and Gage did jump into things. Maybe had you met at a different time in your life things would have been easier, but no one can control love. Maybe meeting him was Fate, or destiny, or maybe Max was smiling down on you hoping you and his brother would fall in love. Whatever it was, whatever brought you two together, you can’t fight it. I love Zane with all my heart, and with all the things that happened, I could have easily let them tear us apart. I didn’t because my love for him, and his love for me, meant more than anything else. When you broke up with Gage because Jerricka said it was a good idea, you told him you value her opinion over his love. That had to hurt.”

She’s right, but Jerricka, in a way, was also right, or I wouldn’t have listened to her in the first place. It wasn’t that Gage and I were moving too fast like everyone accused us of. It was that I was scared of my own feelings and breaking up with him was my way of trying to control that fear. Jerricka may have thought that was a good thing, and if it had been anything else, it could have been, but breaking up with Gage didn’t do anything except change what I’m scared of.

Either way you look at it, I was scared to live without him, and now I am.

“Do you think he’d talk to me?”

“About what? Getting back together? You need to figure out what you want before you do that. If he takes you back and you have doubts and leave him again, he won’t take you back a second time. He’s not a dishrag, and you know it.”

“Yeah.” Gage might give me a second chance. I think he loves me enough he would, but if I blow it, that will be the end of us. I need to be sure when I talk to him that I want what he wants to give me. His love, a future. I need to be ready to accept it when he offers it. He won’t risk it again.

“Shower and get dressed, okay? You were the one who wanted to do this. No flaking out now.”

She slides off the bed and closes the door behind her.

Alone, I do the worst thing I could do.

I text him. Are you and Sierra together now?

The message marks as read and I wait, chewing on my lip. If he says yes, there’s nothing I can do, nothing more I can say. He’ll have moved on, and I’ll have thrown away the best thing that has ever happened to me.

No.

Air swooshes out of my lungs. God.

I’m honest. I don’t know what I want.

I count down the minute and thirty seconds while I wait for his response. I thought that was me. My mistake.

More tears drip onto my screen. I didn’t want to hold you back.

His message pops up, and my heart sinks. This isn’t the way I wanted the conversation to go. Now you won’t. Thanks for thinking about me. Three dots appear, and the message says, Be careful out there. And BTW, don’t text me again. I have nothing more to say to you.

I type, I’m sorry.

I don’t get a response this time. Not after five minutes, not after I shower, not after I get dressed and Stella and I are sitting in the back of the town car on our way to the city. Not after she finds the perfect cream sweater dress at Vera Wang, not after we grab an early dinner. Not after I fall into bed sick and heartbroken.

My trip to LA is in a few short days. Mel’s delighted to have me visit and she said she cleared her schedule so we can sightsee. The mild California temperatures will be welcome after all the snow we’ve had this year, and I’m so eager to get out of King’s Crossing the thought of flying doesn’t bother me anymore. I can’t wait to get out of here.

I’ll show Gage Davenport I don’t need him. He’ll regret cutting me off when I tried to...what? Make amends? Tried to be friends?

I wanted him to ask me for another chance, and he didn’t.

Rolling over, I try to force myself to sleep. I’ll do what Stella says. Visit Mel and enjoy the change of scenery, start renovations on the penthouse. When that’s done and a couple of months have gone by, maybe Gage will talk to me, or maybe he’ll be dating Sierra and he won’t care about me. Maybe I’ll meet someone, like everyone has told me to do, and I’ll be happy dating someone else. I mean, I broke up with Gage because that was supposed to be the plan. Date other people, make absolutely sure Gage is who I want. The only problem is, if, no, when , I find that to be true, he’s not going to be around.

My phone chimes, and I scramble for it under my pillow. Maybe it’s Gage wanting to talk.

It’s only Jerricka and my heart cracks. I didn’t hear from you. Are you okay? Have you taken your medication?

I did take one of the pills she prescribed me, and I did last night, too. I was afraid I would feel odd, confused, disjointed, but I don’t have any evidence they were the cause of my breakdown at Gage’s or the slips in my memory. More than likely, those incidents were only stress. Gage and I were in a new relationship and I was afraid I would do something he didn’t like and he’d leave me. Little did I know, I would do that all on my own.

Yes. Thanks for checking on me. Goodnight.

She replies, Goodnight, Zarah. Please reach out if you need.

I don’t respond. I don’t blame her for what happened between Gage and me. Even if I am in recovery, I’m able to think for myself, and it was my own decision to stop seeing him in favor of exploring new things. I wish he wouldn’t have been so...angry about it. On the other hand, if he would have accepted it nodding and smiling, that would have hurt me too.

Sighing, I admit nothing he did would have made me happy.

I bring up the Truth or Dare website one more time. Gage and Sierra are still the top story, the picture and article eliciting thousands of comments. I hate the way she hangs on him, like she has the right to do it. I hadn’t been out of the picture for even twelve hours when that photo was taken, and he already looked like he didn’t have a care in the world.

He didn’t love me. Even as the thought goes through my head, I know it’s not true. I made him cry, talking about it, the first time we made love.

He won’t talk to me, won’t text me. What’s done is done. I screwed up and he’ll be the one who got away. If by some miracle he calms down enough to talk, I’ll be thankful for that, but we’ll never have what we had before. Before I was stupid.

I toss my phone onto my nightstand and squeeze my eyes shut. Tomorrow I’m watching my two favorite people get married. Get married and start their new lives. They’ve waited a long time, and I’m glad they’re going through with the ceremony. I want my brother to be happy, and Stella deserves everything he can give her.

I don’t fall asleep until the early morning hour, and when I do, I have a terrible nightmare Gage is marrying Sierra, and there’s no hope in hell that we’ll ever have another chance.