Chapter Seven
CHAPTER SEVEN
Zarah
I t’s hard not to resent everyone for giving me what I said I wanted. Waking up alone, swallowing my new dosage of medication without Ingrid watching me, showering and dressing alone without anyone to talk to. I went from having so many people in my face to practically nobody, and I can’t be upset about it because it’s what I wanted. I let Ingrid go, I insisted Zane and Stella get married and hide for a few days at the Crowne in lieu of a honeymoon, it’s my fault Gage is wary about me and how I feel about him, and it’s a hundred percent my fault he’s keeping his distance so I don’t hurt him again.
Lucille’s moving around downstairs in the kitchen, and by now she’ll have let the dogs out and fed them, made coffee and breakfast, and put together an assortment of pastries to bring to her charities and meetings. Without us in the house, she’ll scrub the place down from top to bottom in anticipation of Zane and Stella coming home husband and wife.
I still haven’t given up on the idea of moving into the penthouse once I’m back from visiting Mel, or maybe because things have changed since we moved out to the country, Zane and Stella will want to live there instead. I’ve heard my brother say more than once he dislikes the commute and Stella will have an easier time attending classes on campus.
Maybe I could move into a smaller place in the city. I liked Willow’s apartment. She had all the space she needed and it was still elegant and felt like her. I wonder what she’ll do now that she’s free. I want to see her again, and I tuck a note into the back of my mind to call her once I’m back in King’s Crossing.
My stomach is too knotted to eat anything and I skip going into the kitchen, but Lucille meets me in the foyer and gives me a long, hard hug goodbye. Douglas has already stowed my suitcases in the trunk and he’s waiting to help me into the car. Standing in the doorway, Sansa and Arya sitting at her feet, Lucille waves as I climb inside.
We bump down our long driveway toward the highway, and I text Gage. I miss you already. Don’t get into trouble. :). I want to ask if he’s still seeing Sierra on the side, but I suppose if he is, Truth or Dare will report it.
At Max’s with my mom. Fly safely. Let me know when you land, please. Love you. 3
I will. Love you, too.
He sends another heart, and I put my phone away. If he and his mom are cleaning out Max’s apartment, he won’t have time to talk.
Zane and Stella are parked near the private airstrip when we arrive, and he’s leaning against the SUV, his hands shoved into the deep pockets of his jacket. He’s frowning, and even from this distance I can see he’s looking a little green. I hope he can get over his fear of flying. They’ll never be able to join Gage and me when we travel, and I want that more than anything. The four of us seeing the world, finally living, all the bad stuff behind us.
Douglas parks and opens the car door. I step out into the chilly wind, and he presses a chaste kiss to my cheek. He’s happy I’m starting to do things on my own, and smiling, he unloads my suitcases out of the trunk.
“Hey, don’t look like that,” I call to my brother, my breath turning white in the cold.
“Can’t help it. It’s irrational, but I can’t stop. We’re not going to hang around to watch you take off. It’s selfish of me, but is that okay?”
“I don’t mind.” I’ll be tucked warmly inside while the pilot waits for clearance. There’s no reason he and Stella need to stay.
“I hope you have a good time,” she says, embracing me. “I wish I could go with you.”
“You should have.”
“This is your trip, and Zane said something about one of ties...” She fades off, laughing, the sex talk turning her cheeks pink. “Tell her we said hello. We miss her and don’t keep in touch nearly enough.”
I quirk my lips in amusement. “I will. You guys have fun.”
The pilot trots down the plane’s stairs and shakes our hands, introducing himself. He knows our tragic history and assures us the weather is clear and there won’t be any delays or problems. His eyes are bright, and he’s grinning. I trust his judgment and when he winks, I smile.
Zane clears his throat. Stella’s joking didn’t ease his anxiety. “Well, your suitcases are on board. We should probably get going. Have a good time, Z. This will be good for you.”
“I think you’re right.” I hug him and say, “Thank you for trusting me.”
“You’ve earned it. I’m proud of you.” He kisses the top of my head. “Ready?” he asks Stella, eager to go.
She nods, squeezes my hand, and scoots into the SUV.
“If you need anything, call,” Zane says, eyeing the plane, his greenish hue darkening.
“You better go or you’re going to throw up all over the place. I’ll be fine. I’m not worried about flying. I’m really not.”
“Good. Mel will let me know she’s got you, but text me too, okay?”
“I will.”
He hugs me tightly and quickly and climbs behind the wheel. Stella waves, and he drives off the tarmac leaving me alone with the flight attendant who’s standing on the staircase waiting for me to board.
I shiver and turn toward the plane. The wind’s sharp, and I want to get out of the cold.
A black truck speeds toward the private airstrip, and I frown. It’s not Zane’s SUV. He rounded a corner to reach the airport’s exit, and I don’t see his vehicle anymore. Maybe it’s Gage. Maybe he changed his mind and wants to say goodbye after all, but as the truck nears, my heart thuds in disappointment. The truck isn’t the same make and model as Gage’s. The windows are darker, and the box looks shorter. Perhaps the driver’s lost. The airport’s huge and he could have made a wrong turn.
“Miss Maddox?” the pilot asks, jerking my attention away. “If you want to land on time, you should find a seat.”
“Yes, of course.” I place my foot on the bottom step of the staircase.
The truck skids to a halt where Zane and Stella’s SUV was parked only moments ago and the driver’s side door flings open.
“Zarah!”
“Jerricka?” I ask, surprised. “What are you doing here?”
Leaving the truck’s door wide open, she strides toward me, her arms outstretched. She’s vibrant against the gleaming white snow wearing a black dress and dark green winter coat. Her hair is loose, blowing in the wind, and sunglasses hide her eyes. She’s smiling, her lips coated in the red lipstick she favors, and a hint of Chanel Number Five drifts to me.
“Zarah, I’m so glad I caught you. I remember you telling me you were planning a vacation. Where are you going?”
“I’m visiting a friend out of state.” My mind scrambles as she hugs me. Did I tell her I was leaving or is she keeping track of me?
“Are you? That’s wonderful. It’s always nice to get away.”
Wanting to board, I extract myself from her embrace. The pilot disappeared into the cockpit and the flight attendant stands expectantly, shivering, waiting for me. “Yes, it is. I’ll call you when I’m back, and we can schedule dates and times for my next sessions.”
“I actually have a better idea. Can we go inside? Will you let me speak to you before you leave?”
Hesitating, I look to the flight attendant, but she offers nothing. Technically, I’m her boss, and she’ll do whatever I want.
“I guess that would be all right,” I say, gripping the rail and stepping up the staircase. “Would you like something to drink?”
“Coffee would be magnificent.” She crowds behind me as if she’s afraid I’m going to get onto the plane without her.
“Will you tell the pilot I need a few minutes?” I ask the flight attendant. “And Dr. Solis would like a cup of coffee. Cream and sugar, too, please.”
“Do you want anything, Miss Maddox?”
“No. I’ll wait until I’m in the air.”
We sit in a conversational area designed for business meetings, and I place my purse on the seat next to me and wiggle out of my coat. Smoothing my hair of static electricity, I ask, “Jerricka, what’s so urgent this couldn’t wait?”
I sound professional, not like the whiny, whimpering patient I am during our sessions.
She slips off her sunglasses and studies me, her eyes sharp. “I was hoping I could run something by you and see what you think.”
Lifting a shoulder, I say, “You must have thought it was important to drive out to the airport, but it couldn’t have waited until I came back? I’ll only be gone for two weeks.”
The flight attendant places a coffee service on the table, and I help myself even though I said I didn’t want any. Holding a mug will keep my hands occupied, and they’re shaking with nerves. I’ve never been scared of Jerricka before and I’m not now, but there’s something eagle-like about her this morning, an edge that makes me uncomfortable.
Jerricka waits until she’s poured her own cup and fixes it how she likes it. A splash of cream and two packets of sugar. “I have a proposition for you.”
“Okay?”
“I’m wondering how you would feel about going away with me instead of traveling on holiday.”
“What do you mean?”
“Come with me, Zarah. I have a lake cabin at my disposal and we could spend the next two weeks working on your recovery. It’s been over a month since your last appointment, and I don’t want your progress to slide backward.”
“I was planning on seeing you after I get back.”
“I understand, but think of how wonderful this would be for you.” She grabs my hand. “You’re growing closer to Gage, and I know that you two are enjoying a very satisfying relationship. I’m happy for you, but you’re my patient and I have concerns about him abusing you—”
I jerk my hand out of her grasp. “He’s not!”
“I know you feel that way, but if we can talk about it—”
“He told me what you said,” I say, leaning away. “You told him I have sex even when I don’t want to and that he hurts me. That has never been true, and my sex life is none of your concern.”
She tsks. “Of course it is. You made it my business the second you opened your mouth. You’re my patient, and I care about you. Think of what we could accomplish. You want to get better, don’t you? Put the broken pieces of your mind back together? So you and Gage can one day be married? Have children? He’ll never marry you like this. You know that.”
Her words hit me hard because I do know that. It’s like she’s had a front row seat to every conversation Gage and I ever had about our future.
“I know,” I whisper.
“Then you should come with me. We can talk, go for walks, enjoy the solitude. My lake cabin is beautiful, Zarah, and we won’t be disturbed. You’re so damaged. We’ll work out what you need to be whole. What you need to be to make Gage happy. You love him...don’t you want to do everything within your power to turn yourself into the woman he deserves?”
I remember what he said last night. “I love you just the way you are, but off those drugs, you’ll be so much more.”
Gage wants me to be more. He might love me the way I am, but if I was normal, we could have a normal life.
“You don’t want to burden him, do you?” Jerricka presses.
She knows just how to needle me. “No.”
Ever since I met him, I’ve tried so hard not to need him. Tried so hard not to be an anchor around his neck dragging him down. I stare at my hands, and she covers them with hers, gold rings glinting on her fingers.
“Then come. We’ll work on what you need to do to be the woman he needs you to be. Two weeks—the amount of time you were going to be away. Instead of wasting that time doing God knows what, let’s work on your health. Let’s work on turning your future into what it was meant to be. So Gage will keep loving you.”
I swallow and think of his kind hazel eyes, always so worried, concerned about my wellbeing. When I used Peggy’s computer, I contributed to solving some of the mystery surrounding Quiet Meadows and Gage was proud of me for taking initiative. I need to do that more. I need to invest in my future.
If I want to make Gage happy, I need to recover. That’s the only way he’ll ask me to marry him.
I haven’t worn jewelry since the day Stella slid Ash’s engagement ring off my finger, breaking his hold over me, and the only time I’ll wear anything now is when Gage asks me to marry him and promises to love me forever.
“You were weak without him. You begged him to take you back after three pathetic days, and he did, no questions asked. Thank him for that, Zarah, by working on yourself.”
Slowly, I nod. “Okay. I’ll go.”
“Good.”
I shrug into my coat and tell the flight attendant, “I won’t be needing the plane after all. Thank you.”
“Yes, Miss Maddox.”
My feet drag, but I follow Jerricka down the plane’s stairs to her truck, the engine running, the door still hanging open.
“Bring your suitcases,” she says, her voice firm. “You’ll need the clothing.”
“Okay.”
I thank the confused pilot who exited the plane wondering what was happening, and mumble, “Please don’t tell my brother. I don’t want him to worry about me.”
These two weeks with Jerricka will be between me and her. It’s no one’s business I’m blowing off my vacation. The time will be better spent working on who I am, working on getting better.
“As you wish, Miss Maddox.”
“Thank you.”
The flight attendant sets my luggage onto the tarmac. She looks at me in concern and opens her mouth to speak, but I ignore her and shove my suitcases into the extended cab of Jerricka’s truck. I climb into the passenger’s seat and latch my seatbelt, my hands shaking.
Jerricka orders, “Text your brother and tell him you’ve changed your plans. It’s very important you stress he’s not to look for you. Your therapy will go much smoother without interruptions.”
I pull my phone out of my purse and send Zane a short text. I’ve decided I need some time alone. I’ll let you know when I’m back in the city. Don’t worry about me. I realized Gage and I got back together too soon and I need room to breathe. I love you and Stella. 3
That covers everyone who will be worried about me.
“Let me see what you sent.”
I show her the screen, my brain already shutting down in despair. I don’t want to disappoint Gage, and Jerricka’s words broke my heart.
“Good,” she says, pleased.
I drop my phone into my lap.
I’m a burden. Broken. Damaged and unlovable. Two weeks won’t fix me, but it will be a start. Time away to talk to Jerricka about my issues and what I can do to finally be normal.
She turns onto the road and snatches my phone off my leg. “Give this to me.”
“Why?”
“You won’t need it anymore.” She lowers her window and throws my cell into a snowbank. I should be upset, but curiously, I’m not. I’ll be able to focus on Jerricka and my recovery. I won’t have the distraction of looking for texts from my family or wanting to message Gage when I’m so lonely I could die from it.
“I only wanted Gage to love me,” I say softly, staring out the window, the sun’s glare not bothering me at all.
“He will. Two weeks under my care and you’ll be like a new person. I promise.”
I nod, lean back in my seat, and close my eyes.
A new person. That sounds good.
Gage never asked me to be someone else.
He didn’t ask, but he needs me to be someone else.
Someone better.