12. Antonio
12
Antonio
“ W ow… I’ve never seen you… run that fast before.”
Elias is hunched over a rock, heavy drops of sweat dropping from his forehead, panting: “Honestly, man, what the fuck? I was so sure I was going to blow an artery halfway up.”
I stretch beside him, my arms extending to my sides as I suck in a lungful of air through my nose, smiling. These runs with Elias do more for me than work my muscles. They always make me feel so alive, a natural high that feels even better than all the pills I have ever consumed.
The early morning fog is as thick as a cloud, and the air is cool and damp, stinging my lungs as I breathe. The sun has started its ascent to the east, although the hue is muted by the fog. I’m itching to go again, but Elias is still struggling to catch his breath. Honestly, it surprises me he’s able to keep up as well as he does. I was half expecting him to quit after the first few runs, but he persists, almost as if he has something to prove.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Elias, but that was freaking amazing,” I say, still smiling. I glance at him and feel a little pity for him. “We can walk back the rest of the way if you want, though. I mean, I won’t judge you.”
He sneers at me. “Okay, now you’re just showing off.”
He takes off running down the hill, and I grin, following behind him. I shorten my stride to help him keep up, although the trip down the hill is not half as torturous as it was going up. We veer off the game trail through the woods and take the main road that leads to the center of town. It’s still quiet and the streets are empty.
We wind our way through empty shops and streets, perspiration gathering on our brows. Earlier, these runs helped me keep the darkness at bay. Colette does that for me now, which makes my morning runs even more enjoyable.
My breath mists in the air in front of me, drifting to join the fog that surrounds us. I’ve been running for over an hour, and I still feel well enough to go for another hour.
We leave the town proper behind, approaching the last leg of our normal route. “Sprint to the end?” I ask Elias, who’s flagging beside me.
His brow creases as he frowns. “Shit. Sure, why not?”
We take off, sprinting down the road in sync. When we stop outside my house, Elias doubles over, breathing hard as he clutches his knees. “That’s it. I’m done running with you.”
“Oh, come on,” I say, breathing hard. “It wasn’t so bad.”
“Yeah, right? I’m not the one built like a fucking tank.” He smiles at me. “You're looking much better, Amato. You fly these days.”
“Feels that way,” I admit, grabbing my water bottle.
Sweat beads on my forehead, my clothes clinging to my skin. My lungs burn, but the endorphin rush is a welcome distraction.
A month. It has been a month since the day I woke up tangled with Colette. I remember feeling her tears drying on my chest, the aftershock of a nightmare clear in the way she clung to me. A month since we tossed logic and caution out the window and surrendered to the undeniable pull between us.
Elias glances at me. “Colette over again?”
“Yeah,” I say, a comfortable warmth spreading through my chest. We don't need labels, not yet. But the familiarity, the easy way we slip between each other's places, speaks volumes.
He studies me for a moment. “She's good for you, man.” He has a pensive look on his face before he continues. “Although I wonder… Are you really helping each other, or are you both pleased to find such a perfect distraction with each other?”
Elias has an annoying, yet impressive way of getting me to talk, and I let myself spill out what’s on my mind most times because talking to him has been helpful. Since we met, he and I have gotten a lot closer than I had thought we would.
I haven’t been the only one sharing about myself, though. I know him as well. It turns out that the reason he started his NGO to help the mentally ill individuals is because his mother was in a psych ward almost all throughout his teenage life, leaving him with his abusive stepdad who reminded him of his place in the house and that he would most probably end up like his mother.
Elias’s mom passed on the day he graduated as valedictorian from high school. Elias experienced anguish on a day that was supposed to be filled with happiness and a sense of accomplishment.
Ever since then, he helped those who are mentally ill so none of them would go through what his mother did. Personally, I think it’s very noble and quite thoughtful. Perhaps that’s why I allowed him to become my friend.
His question stings, but there is truth in it. Both of us carry burdens, secrets we keep close, and it would be detrimental if we didn’t handle things right. However, with Colette, the burden feels lighter, shared.
“Something like that,” I say. The truth–the tangled mess of attraction, vulnerability, and a growing possessiveness is complicated to explain. Does it matter why we cling to each other? All I know is it feels so fucking good. I guess great sex and brilliant company would do that to you, right? I don’t bother explaining to Elias, however. He’s a good guy, but I doubt he would understand.
He nods but lets it go. When he recovers his breath, he stands straighter, holding my shoulder. “I trust you know what you’re doing. I just want you to know that you have a friend here who’s willing to listen. Okay?”
I nod, thinking of Colette, naked and warm in my bed. All I want is to get back to her, wrap her in my arms, and keep her safe from things I can see and things I can’t.
“I’d be going into town for a few days,” Elias says. “Might be longer than that. Think you can manage without me for a bit?”
I smirk. “Fuck off, Elias. I’ll see you when I see you.”
He grins and waves goodbye. I watch him for a few moments as he walks down the road to his house a few blocks away. He’s one of the few people in Shadow’s Bend that doesn’t make the town seem so bad.
I head up to the house and slip in through the kitchen door. The warmth is comforting, although it makes me feel clammy with my wet clothes. I take off my shirt and spread it out on a kitchen stool, then kick off my shoes.
The house is quiet, the only sound is the gentle hum of the refrigerator. The silence used to feel so haunting…almost suffocating. Not anymore, though.
Humming, I brew a pot of coffee. The rich aroma of the coffee beans fills the air, the habit ingrained after weeks of shared mornings with Colette.
The sound of the bedroom door slamming in the distance shatters the blissful quiet, and I freeze in shock, turning to the sound. Colette rushes into the kitchen wearing nothing but one of my t-shirts, but I’m too confused to notice just how hot she looks, fresh out of bed. Her eyes are wide, and tension boils out of her like a larva from an active volcano.
“Col? What’s wrong—”
“It’s Henry,” she says, still wide eyed. “I just got off the phone with him, and he’s coming back home!”
I stare at her in confusion, wondering if there’s more. Did something happen to him? Is he okay? I do not know. I’ve not spoken much with my best friend since my forced exile to Shadow’s Bend.
“And? What’s wrong? Is he hurt?”
She has an aghast expression on her face, and I have the distinct impression I couldn’t have asked her a dumber question. “Hurt? He’s fine. Aren’t you listening? He’s coming home to Shadow’s Bend.”
I can’t mask my confusion. At first, I feel relief, knowing that he’s fine and that nothing bad has happened. Although, I still don’t understand why she’s so agitated about it. What’s got her so worked up about her brother coming?
And then it hits me. “Oh, shit,” I murmur, a knot forming in my stomach.
“Exactly!” she exclaims. Settling onto one stool and running her hand through her hair.
I settle onto the stool next to her. “When?”
“Today,” she replies, squeezing my hand. “He should be here in a few hours.” She looks at me, and I see the worry in her eyes. “Antonio, he absolutely can’t know we’ve been fucking.”
We both fall quiet, and I feel some of Colette’s distress. It was easy for me to ignore the guilt and the moral implications of getting involved with my best friend’s sister after our first few times. It feels like the most natural thing in the world.
Tucked away in this backwater, godforsaken corner of the world, we can hide from the consequences of our actions. We can pretend, make excuses, and act like everything is fine. With Henry coming back, however, I’m forced to confront the weight of my betrayal. It’s pointless pretending that it’s anything but. We both knew from the start and did it, anyway.
There’s a second, equally powerful emotion pushing into my senses, almost as strong as my guilt. Anger .
For the first time in forever, I can say I’m doing well. While what Colette and I have can’t be called a relationship, there’s still a shared understanding between us, and the darkness has receded a little for the both of us. And now, even that is being threatened, just like everything I’ve ever loved. I know I have no right to feel anger or frustration, but the fire burns hot inside me.
“What now?” I ask, trying to project a confidence that I don’t feel. “What happens to us?”
She glances at the table and then pulls her hand away, as if only just realizing that we had been holding hands. “I do not know. All I know is that Henry can’t ever find out about us. He can’t so much as suspect we have any familiarity or intimacy.”
I clench my jaw, feeling defeated. Angry, but defeated. After all we have shared, does she really expect us to go back to being strangers who hate each other’s guts? It seems like such a tall ask, one I don’t think I can carry out.
She notices my displeasure and sighs. “Look, I’m not ashamed of us…”
“Sure seems like you are,” I cut her off.
“It’s not like that, and you know it.”
“Do I?”
“Antonio, Henry is my brother and your best friend. He knows all the messed-up stuff that happened to us. All I am saying is that this could appear awkward to him, and I’m not ready to answer questions I don’t have the answers to,” she says to me in a frustrated manner. “We’re boning, Antonio. He might not understand.”
I go quiet for the next few seconds, coming to terms with the fact she has a point.
“How long is he in town for?” I ask. “Did he tell you why he was coming?”
I feel a moment of panic as I picture Henry moving back to Shadow’s Bend, meaning I’d have to walk away from whatever it is I have with Colette. The thought of that happening terrifies me.
“I do not know,” Colette replies. "He said he had a surprise for me. He didn’t give me a chance to persuade him not to go through the hassle. Knowing my brother, he only does that when he’s decided.”
“Col—” I start, reaching to take her hand again.
She pulls her hand back and slides off the stool. “Antonio… Henry cannot know. Do you understand? We have to keep what we have a secret from him. Can I count on you for this?”
I give her a tight smile, hoping she can’t see the pain and anger in my eyes. “Of course.”
“Thank you. I need to get back home and make sure everything is in order.” She rushes towards the backdoor, a distracted look on her face.
She stops with her hand on the door, glances back, then rushes back to me, giving me a hurried kiss on the lips, brief and dry. She’s out of the house before I can even blink, and for the first time in what seems like forever, I notice just how unnerving the silence is.