Chapter Eight
CHAPTER EIGHT
Zarah
A s always, when we’re apart, my fingers itch to grab my phone and text him. I’m always good and never do, but the want never goes away.
The driver’s familiar, and I relax on the way to Jerricka’s office. I’ll need to talk fast to touch on everything that’s happened, but I’m excited to tell her her my progress since she came out to the house to see me after my meltdown at Gage’s apartment. I’m so thankful nothing like that has happened again. The pill bottle Jerricka gave me is tucked into my purse, and I plan on giving that back to her today. Most of the pills are still inside it. I refuse to take them anymore, and if she has a problem with that, she can speak to my brother and Dr. Reagan.
The driver opens the car door, and I step onto the empty sidewalk. Standing in the cold, he watches me go inside. Only then does he climb behind the wheel and meld into traffic. Quickly, I text Douglas to let him know I’m at my therapy appointment and that I’ll be ready to go home in an hour.
He replies an affirmative, and I text Gage I’m at Jerricka’s and Douglas will drive me home. He sends me kisses emojis and a Thanks for telling me. Love you.
I don’t want to appear too needy, so I only send him kissing emojis in reply and push my phone into my purse. Douglas will tell Zane and Stella where I am. Zane’s been great letting me have my freedom—especially since Gage and I have started to spend so much time together. I appreciate his trust.
The receptionist ushers me into Jerricka’s office right away, and she’s sitting in a forest green business suit behind her desk, her platinum hair laying in a thick sheet down her back. She’s very beautiful, but she never talks about her personal life. She could be married and have six kids and I would never know.
She beams at me. “Zarah! Good morning! How have you been? Did you have a lovely—”
Calmly, I hang up my purse and jacket on the coat tree near the door. She was going to ask me if I had a lovely holiday.
“My New Year’s was better than Christmas.” We both know how I spent my Christmas. In my room, shaking, trying not to have panic attack after panic attack because I couldn’t remember certain things. I’d been sure I lost Gage.
“Good. I’m glad skipping that dose helped.”
She approaches me, and she does something she has never done in the eighteen months I’ve been seeing her. She hugs me. Her shoulders are bony, and she stoops a little. I’m used to that. The only person who doesn’t have to bend over to give me a hug is Stella.
When she releases me, I say, “It did. In fact, I stopped taking them altogether.” I hand her the orange bottle, the white child-proof cap securing the top. I feel lighter now that they aren’t in my possession anymore.
She frowns. “Completely? I wish you would have asked.”
I shrug and step across the plush carpeting to look over the city. It’s a new year. That means a new start. Can I have a new start? Having Gage in my life, it seems more things are possible.
“I didn’t like how they made me feel. Forgetful, scared. They did the opposite of what you said they would do. I’ll tell Zane, and he’ll understand.”
Jerricka smooths out her face and rattles the pills in the bottle. “That won’t be necessary. I’ll communicate with him myself. I’m proud of you for making your own decisions regarding your health.”
“Thank you.” My muscles loosen. I don’t like it when people are mad at me. “Speaking of taking control, I let Ingrid go.”
I sit in my usual corner of the couch, and Jerrica settles in opposite me holding her tablet.
She tilts her head and writes something, her stylus gliding over the glass. “You didn’t feel like you needed her anymore?”
“Toward the end she was more Lucille’s companion than mine, but I think I hurt her feelings.”
“How so?”
I explain how she took off the second my back was turned and didn’t stay to tell me even the briefest goodbye. “Now no one has heard from her. Gage’s been trying to find her to see if she’s okay.”
“You can tell him to stop. Ingrid’s fine. Her agency placed her with a family whose daughter needed a live-in companion. She has anorexia, and since Quiet Meadows closed, she’s been needing twenty-four hour care in her home. Ingrid is just fine.”
I blow out a sigh. “Thank God. She’s here then? In King’s Crossing?”
Jerricka smiles. “Yes. There’s no reason to worry. She spent a few days in Chicago visiting family but she’s back now. The girl’s family is concerned about discretion. Because of the nature of our relationship, I trust you won’t say anything to anyone.”
“No, of course not. Thank you for letting me know.”
“You’re welcome. Is there anything else you’d like to talk about?”
I worry my sweater’s hem between my fingers. In the past year and a half, I’ve gotten used to telling her everything. Maybe it’s a sign I’m getting better, but telling her every second of my life feels...awkward now.
Regardless, I plow on—this is what Zane is paying for. “I initiated sex with Gage this morning. We did it on a kitchen chair.” I blush, feeling his cock inside me, his fingers tangled in my hair while his mouth devoured mine. His warm, hard chest, the way he encouraged me to take in my own way. As fast or as slow as I needed.
Jerricka smiles. “You’ve been making wonderful progress, Zarah. I’m so thrilled. Deciding you no longer need your companion, you and Gage moving closer in your relationship. Do you feel like you’re coming into your own a bit?”
“Yes, I really do, and Zane’s and my relationship is improving, too. He says it’s my right to let Gage spend the night in our house if he wants, and he doesn’t give me grief for staying at Gage’s. He’s trusting me more to think for myself, and that has helped me a lot.”
“That’s fantastic news. What do you think brought on this change between you and Zane?”
“I think Gage talked to him and told him how I felt. I know that’s supposed to be my job, but I could never get him to listen because he was always trying so hard not to cry.”
“Sometimes we need outside influences to understand something that’s right under our noses, yet impossible for us to see. Has this opened up communication between you two?”
“Yeah. I think planning his wedding to Stella helped. He’s moving forward too, and that helps all of us.”
“Oh? They’re finally getting married?” Jerricka notes something in her tablet.
“Yes. I made the arrangements. They’ve been holding off because of me, but they don’t need to do that. They’re going to have something small, and then when all this is over, they’ll celebrate.”
Jerricka stills and a coldness creeps across her face. I don’t know what I said, but she evidently took it the wrong way.
“When all this is over?” she echoes. “When all what is over?”
I stand up and pace her office. Jerricka is used to this. Walking back and forth is how I think best.
“Me. This. When I’m finally off all my drugs. When I’m back to normal and I’m Zarah Maddox again. King’s Crossing’s princess.”
She tsks . “We discussed this, haven’t we? There is a chance, Zarah, you will never be the way you were. That night at the Lyndhurst fractured your mind, and a mental break like that is quite damaging and possibly permanent. Plus the drugs Ashton Black forced on you during your stay at Quiet Meadows...I hate to dampen your spirits, but you have to be prepared that could be an eventual outcome.”
“I’m willing to work as hard as I need. I have to get my life back. I have to, or Gage will leave me.” My insecurities are suddenly front and center. “He won’t want me if I’m damaged forever.”
Dirty, my mind whispers.
“Then I’m not sure why you haven’t been taking the pills I prescribed. I gave you permission to skip one day to let your mind and body adjust. If you don’t want Gage to leave you, because, let’s be honest here, woman to woman, he will, then why aren’t you doing your absolute best to keep him? A man doesn’t attach himself to a burden, does he? You fought many demons to give him the intimacy men require to be happy in a relationship. If you can do that, swallowing a tiny pill every night should be quite easy, shouldn’t it?”
I’m ashamed and stare at the floor. I’ve been selfish. I’ve only been thinking about myself, not how ignoring Jerricka’s request would affect Gage, or Zane and Stella.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m not the one you should be apologizing to. Everyone wants what’s best for you. If you can’t do what needs to be done, why would anyone keep caring about you?”
Tears fill my eyes. “You’re right.”
“I know I am, and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you these hard truths, but I’m on your side. I want you to get better. Nothing would please me more than if you were well and never had to see me again. That won’t happen if you insist on being stubborn and immature.”
She stands, strides angrily across her office, and pick the pill bottle I gave her up off her desk. She unscrews the cap and fills a glass with water from the crystal pitcher that’s always sitting on the sideboard. “Swallow this. Now.”
I do. I have to. I struggle to gulp the water as sobs clog my throat. My hand shaking, I set the empty glass onto her desk. I fall into her arms, choking. “I don’t want him to leave me.”
“He will if you don’t start doing what I say. You have to help me help you.” She nudges me away and hands me a tissue. “Dry your eyes. People make mistakes and it’s important we learn from them. I want to start seeing you twice a week. I’ll have Susan set up your appointments to the end of February. I’m going to see you through this. I promise.” Holding my hand, she leads me to the couch and she sits close to me, our legs brushing. Her warm palm cups my cheek and sympathy fills her eyes. “Now tell me what else you have on your mind. We have a few minutes yet.”
I tell her about my visit to the gynecologist’s office for birth control and walking around Quiet Meadows. She stiffens when I say that, and I think twice about telling her what Gage and I found in the basement and how I relived part of what I experienced there, right in front of him. She’s already unhappy. She’s doing her best to help me, and I didn’t follow her instructions.
I don’t have time to tell her someone blew up Gage’s truck on New Year’s Day, and it’s just as well. I think our sessions now will be going back to my self-esteem, navigating my way in my relationships, and finding autonomy after so many years were kept from me.
I’m tired, and I feel like I took a massive step back in my recovery.
My hour’s up and she presses the bottle into my hand. “Every evening, Zarah. Text me if you need anything, day or night. I’m always available. I’ll see you in a couple of days.” She scribbles something on her tablet. “Susan will squeeze your extra appointments into my schedule. I’m glad you and Gage are having a satisfying sexual relationship. That’s a big step for you, as I said, but make sure you are also getting what you need from the intimacy. Have a good day. Talk soon.”
Her mind is already on other things before I’m even out the door. I mutter a goodbye and skip using the sitting room attached to Jerricka’s office. I don’t need the time to settle after facing my monsters.
This time the monsters are my own doing.
Douglas tries to talk to me on the way home, but I don’t respond and he falls silent. I feel bad. It’s not his fault I’m smarting from Jerricka’s reprimand. I deserved it for being stupid and selfish. How can I expect Gage to love me if I’m not doing every single thing I can to get better?
I scoot out of the car the second Douglas parks in front of the house, and I run to my room, not wanting Lucille to know I’m home. I text Gage a quick message that I’m safe, but the message only says delivered, not read. He didn’t tell me what he was doing today. For all I know, he could be seeing that woman who works at the café.
I have to stop that. This is no time for a pity party.
Alone and trying not to gag, I swallow my usual dose of poison, used to Ingrid rubbing my back and murmuring sympathetically. I’m glad she’s okay and found another job, but I’ll need time get over the way she left. I stand under a hot shower and try to relax. I’m tender and swollen, thinking about my lovemaking session with Gage this morning. I woke up alone, lonely, and aroused. I made him happy, initiating sex.
My fingers find my clit as the water streams over me, and I prop my foot on the edge of the shower stall. Did I initiate sex for him or for me?
Whenever we make love, Gage wants me to feel good, too, and I always orgasm. He never takes without giving. The time he spooned me while we made love was so sweet. My clit quivers as I think about him molding me to his chest, filling me to the brim, and I pretend my fingers are his. He’s cupping my breast, lightly squeezing my nipple while his fingertip gently circles my clit. My muscles clench his cock. He’s consuming me, and I love him for it.
I finish, my legs shaking. Unsteady, I sink to the floor of the shower and rest my forehead on my knees, but I don’t let myself cry. There’s nothing to cry about. I’ll do what Jerricka says to get better. Gage loves me. Zane and I are doing well, and I’ll always have Stella.
My life is simple, yet it’s full of all I need to be happy.
I blink back tears and rinse the conditioner out of my hair. I’m wrapped in a robe and lying in bed when Stella lets herself into my room. She’s dressed casually in lounging pants and a tank top, normal attire on a day she doesn’t plan to drive into the city.
“Hey,” she says, her voice soft. “Are you okay? Gage texted me you were back. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“I had a session with Jerricka this morning.”
She sits on my bed and leans her cheek against the padded headboard. “How did it go?”
I sigh and tell her the truth. “She accused me of not doing my best to get better.”
Stella blanches. “Why would she say that?”
I’m too embarrassed to admit I stopped taking a medication prescribed to me. She’ll tell Zane and he’ll hire another companion to watch me. “She thinks Gage and I are going too fast.” I lie, just to have something to say.
I’ve never lied to Stella before. Well, I never told her Ash was selling me, but that’s entirely different. I was protecting her. The lie I just told her protects only myself.
“Do you think that?”
“Maybe, but if I think about not seeing him so much, I panic. I need him, and it scares me.” That’s the truth.
“I know it does. What I feel for Zane scares me, too, but Gage isn’t your whole world and Zane isn’t mine. You have your brother, Lucille, and Douglas, and they love you and will always watch over you. It might feel like the world will end if you and Gage ever break up, but it won’t be. You have a life. Gage is supposed to add to it, not replace it. If something ever happens between Zane and me, I promise you, we will always be sisters and best friends. We were friends before you introduced me to your brother, remember?”
I try to smile. “Touring payroll was the smartest thing I ever did.”
“I can’t argue with that. Now, put some clothes on. Lucille’s children’s charity needs cookies, and she asked us to help her bake this afternoon. Text Gage and ask him what his favorite kind is, and we’ll make extra batches for him and Linc. Plus,” she adds, grinning, “Dr. Reagan called Zane. Because you’ve been steady, he wants to see you for another medication adjustment, andyou’re allowed a glass of wine a day.” She bounces off the bed and hops on her toes in excitement.
I sit up. “Really?”
“Really. Only six ounces, but better than nothing. Come on, we can have a glass while we bake.”
She skips out the doorway and then I hear her trot down the stairs.
Humming, I get dressed. Sometimes I forget how good things are. Remember to appreciate the small things, ladies and gentlemen, because sometimes the small things are all life gives you.
Late that night, Gage stumbles into my room and falls into bed. He gathers me close and presses his lips to my forehead. “Missed you,” he mumbles, half sleeping.
I melt inside. There’s no other way to describe the squishy feeling that invades my body. Mind, body, heart, and soul, they all belong to Gage, and I give them to him over and over again, every time he hugs me, kisses me, and tells me he loves me.
I’m completely his.
“Take your clothes off before you pass out.”
“Too tired for that.”
“Even if I do all the work?” I tease.
He cracks an eye open. “You drive a hard bargain.”
We make love, and I’m mindful of what he gives me and what I give him. I seriously listen to everything Jerricka has to say—she’s never been wrong. I’m relieved to find I enjoy having sex with Gage as much as he seems to enjoy it, both of us touching, reveling in the closeness in the cocoon of my dark room.
Here, nothing bad can touch us.
Not the harsh realities of life or the doubts and fears I let creep into my heart during the day.
In the dark, there is only us.
Sated, I fall asleep in his arms, steel bands around me. How silly I was to think he doesn’t want me, doesn’t love me. He’ll protect me no matter what comes our way.
Little did I know love is a weapon as well as a shield, and there are people who will twist my love for the ones I hold dear to destroy me and what’s remaining of my already shattered heart.