Chapter Four
Ipulled the sleeves of my sweatshirt down over my cold, stiff hands.
Instead of going inside the hotel, I veered off to the left, down a small dirt path.
There, behind me, dressed in all black, matching his black hair, stood Shad.
I guess he had continued to follow me the entire way back from the hospital.
I wasn’t surprised. Something had changed, and it was obvious in the air between us.
“It is a beautiful night,” he commented.
“Are you following me?” The question just kind of sprouted from my mouth like unwanted weeds in a planter, but they were out, and I couldn’t very well take them back.
He pushed back from the tree with one arm, reaching out to touch something.
I watched as he pulled on an apple. It was red and gold.
He rubbed it on his shirt and took a bite.
I thought about my mother’s storybook. The fairytale of Snow White.
In her version, which I discovered was a true story from the land of Terra, the Snow White character was Princess Scarlet of Torren, and her apple orchard was magic.
I believed it was the golden apples that could make a person happy.
I watched Shad take another bite from the golden side of the apple near the top.
If only we had apples like that here. My stomach growled.
When was the last time I ate? I couldn’t remember.
“No, it isn’t called, ‘following,’ if we are headed in the same direction,” he shrugged, walking past me.
I stood there, not moving. I could not help myself as I watched him, observing his body as he walked back to the hotel.
I had expected more of an argument, but I was happy that there was no fighting.
It would have tired me out—body, mind, and soul.
I watched him walk away until I couldn’t make him out anymore.
His back, legs, shoulders, and arms—every single inch of him, I loved.
I loved him. The ache grew, and the hole in my soul screamed at me.
As he disappeared back towards the light of the hotel, I walked alone into the darkness of the forest.
The monster within me seemed to thrive in the forest. It was as if she lived and belonged there.
Everything seemed to make sounds within those woods, and every sound I heard made me jump.
I pushed away leaves and touched the rough bark of trees as I let the beast out from inside of me.
I let the anger, the rage, and the hatred consume me, and I screamed into that darkness and scratched and tore at myself in my rage.
The bandages that Mary wrapped around my fingers earlier fell to the dirt.
It took only a few moments before my barely starting-to-heal cuts from the cave were open again, oozing blood onto the bark of the trees and into the soil beneath me.
I couldn’t feel the pain of physical wounds, however, not then.
Dirt, moss, and bark covered my hands. I stumbled as the darkness continued to consume me.
My melody flickered–almost gone completely as I let that anger and hate consume me.
Is this what corruption is?
For a moment, I was about to fully give into it—into that monstrous beast. But then, I heard a note reach out as if it were making one last plea for me not to do it, not to darken my soul.
I stood up, and my eyes grew wide as I let the music of my soul wrap around me like a tight embrace.
I wiped my bloodied, dirty hands on my pants and stared upward toward the stars.
My hands were suddenly throbbing and aching with pain.
Instead of causing me to be fearful that I wasn’t strong enough, the pain anchored me in place, and I remained in that moment, focusing—focusing on the truth that I hadn’t succumbed to the darkness, that something inside of myself had saved me.
I looked up through the thick tree branches for the brightest star in that sky, and I let the last bit of hatred and anger and rage crawl back into its darkness, from whence it came.
The monster inside me–she wasn’t gone, not completely, but I had her caged for the time being.
I had won the battle, but there was still a war to win, and I was sure that she would leave deep scars on my soul before she was finished with me.
I smiled in the moonlight as I walked back to the hotel, my melody calming me as I went.
As I reached my hotel room, the night was still silent, and there was no sign of Shad, no sign that he had made it back. I spotted something balanced precariously on the doorknob of my room: a gold and red apple.
“You know, you really shouldn't be out there alone, Emma.” I turned around to see Shad. It seemed that he was still very much following me.
“And why not?” I heard footsteps near me, and I felt my breath catch up with my words.
“Are you okay?” his voice soft behind me. Shad, my soul sang, searching for his melody. But there was nothing.
“I am fine.”
He turned me around and looked at the disaster which I had made of myself. His eyes trailed down my entire body, and then he took my hands in his.
“What happened?” he asked, curiosity in his voice. “Does it hurt?” His touch was soft, and I wanted him to never let my hands go.
“I am okay, really; it was just an accident; the bandages fell off.” He smiled at me in a way that let me know he didn’t buy that story.
I knew he wasn’t a shell, a zombie, how everyone described a soulless, and for that, I was grateful.
He was different, so altered from the boy I had fallen in love with, but he was still there.
In small ways, I could see it. I could see him in the way he cared, in the way our touches made him react.
Soulless Shad was wearing a black button-down shirt, black slacks, and a black belt.
At his collar, was a gray tie, knotted to perfection.
I smiled, wondering if he still felt more like himself when he wore dress clothes, just like he had before.
I guessed that some things were just innate, instinctual.
Perhaps, it was just that he had only packed his formal attire, and had no other clothing options.
Don't get your hopes up, I tried to tell myself in order to save myself from disappointment. But why has he tied the tie? Isn’t that a sign?
Also, he could have easily foregone the belt and the shirt tuck.
I tried to convince myself that there was still hope, that so much of him was still the same as before.
And yet, as I watched his smile grow darker, I noted the things about him that had been altered.
His hair even seemed different, longer than I thought it had been before, and it was partially in his face.
Shad had always styled his hair out of his face.
The looks he gave me were not soft, but hard and confused.
His eyes were so dark and haunting. He didn't stand the way he used to with his hands behind his back as if he were about to command an army. He stood almost hunched, as if he couldn’t stand up straight anymore.
He lifted my cut hands to his lips and kissed them, one by one, as he wiped off the blood and dirt onto his shirt.
I tried not to, but my jaw dropped a bit in surprise at his intimate touch.
Just the day before, he had thought that I had lured him into the forest in order to murder him.
Suddenly, he wanted to be best friends and then kiss me, and then he did actually kiss me—well, my hands, but still: A kiss is a kiss.
“I miss you,” I whispered, wishing I had not let that thought slip out, while looking at his eyes, which were black and soulless, hoping that I wouldn’t scare him with the confession. He and I were friends. This was fine to tell him. Friends missed each other.
“I am right here,” he said as he released my hands, then wiped his own on his shirt before tousling his wild hair, making me wish I could touch his silky locks, too.
I gulped and tried to push away the memories of us and of our declarations of love from the cave which seemed to swirl around me.
I had touched his hair back there, in that cave. It was soft, so incredibly soft.
Stop, Emma. The voice inside of me wasn’t my own. It sounded like Shad’s voice, but it couldn’t be—right?
How could that be? He didn’t have a soul’s melody anymore. He couldn’t hear my soul, couldn’t read my thoughts. Right?
“It’s just, not the same. You are different now, you know?” I whispered, wanting to hear his voice inside of me again. He looked thoughtful, a thousand questions wanting to spill out, but like the Shad I loved, he restrained himself.
I smiled, knowing again that he was still inside there, ever the patient, measured, and kind boy that I loved.
“Why were you out there? It’s dark. Did you want to relive that awful death-hike that brought us here?” he asked.
“I needed to be alone for a bit. Why were you out here?” I asked.
“I was stretching my legs, waiting for you. I also think that maybe I should let you know that I am looking after you, and that you shouldn’t go off alone.” His face frowned—none of the adorable nervousness that he used to display, which I had loved.
“That is creepy,” I said with a smirk.
“You’re being stupid,” his jaw clenched.
Okay, angry Shad was showing himself.
“Excuse me?”
He didn’t look at me, and he folded his arms across his chest. “Now don’t hit me, but you’re not excused, Emma.
If I saved you by sacrificing my soul, how could you just go off alone?
From what Keil just told me, a man stole my soul, but he wanted yours, and here you are wandering around the woods.
Keil isn’t even sure where this man is right now! Does my sacrifice mean nothing to you?”
His shouts of anger made me flinch. I hadn’t ever seen him that upset before. It seemed as if I would never really know what version of that new Shad I would get when we interacted: great.
“Shad, I never asked you to follow me or to protect me, or whatever, so just stop. Cade has what he wants: your soul. He isn’t after us anymore.”
“Look,” Shad interrupted, peering at me fiercely.
I noticed the way his jaw clenched as he spoke, and his hands were in fists at his side.
“I don’t remember what happened, but Keil filled me in.
I understand what is happening now, so don’t try to spare me the details.
Someone like him doesn’t give up that easily. I don't buy it.”
“I don’t think so—” I said, wanting to be sure, but knowing deep down that he was right. Cade could come back.
“I am trying here, Emma, trying to understand all of this. It would be much easier if I knew where you are and what you are doing. I saved you, Emma. I wouldn't have done that if you were not important. I know that.”
“I wish you hadn’t done it.”
“It is a little late for that now.” He looked down the hall, his gaze far away in thought.
“I will help you. I can restore your memories; I know I can,” I whispered.
“Keil said that, if there was a way, that you are my only chance.”
“I will get your melody back or die trying; I promise you.” I bunched my hands into his shirt, stepping closer to him, feeling the pulse of electricity between us.
He turned his face to me, anger and frustration in his eyes.
I stumbled forward in shock and fell with him to the ground with a thud.
I tried to move from above him, but he pulled me to him, holding my waist in his hands.
We lay there, tangled and frozen, for a few seconds, his eyes so dark and haunting. They bore into my own.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, still on top of him, struck by the electricity that surged between us.
“It’s fine. Sorry I didn’t stop us from falling.” He sat up, bringing me with him, and I quickly got off of his lap and stood. He was tall beside me, once again fixing his shirt.
“Well, I should probably get some rest,” I said, clearing my throat.
Silence.
He stared at me, and I stared at him for what felt like years.
“Yes—yes—I am going to my room,” he said as he held my gaze.
Before I could say anything more, he nodded and walked past me, just like that, without another word, and I picked up the apple he had gifted to me, and I walked into my room.
As I sat on the edge of the bed, thinking about how truly messed up and confusing my life was, I looked at my hands, my fingertips still buzzing from his touch.
I touched the skin he had wiped some-what clean.
I looked at both hands and both fingers, at the cuts—the scrapes I had caused by clenching the bark in the forest. I was sure then, more than ever, that I did not understand how to deal with my life.
You need me. Shad’s voice floated into my soul.
Could he still communicate with me? I wanted to be happy about it, but he sounded so different, and it only reminded me of what we had lost, although whether it was a figment of my imagination or Shad speaking into my soul, he was right; I did need him. I would always need him.
I will always need you.