Chapter 22
Kasey
I surfaced from sleep the way someone wakes up before their mind.
Slow, heavy, and unsure if it’s safe to move.
The first thing I felt was warmth. Not the kind that comes from blankets or sunlight, but from a body beneath me, steady and solid, rising and falling in a rhythm that didn’t match my own.
For a moment, I didn’t remember where I was. My breath caught, a tiny hitch in my chest and instinct told me to freeze. That old, familiar panic tried to claw its way up.
Don’t move. Don’t react. Don’t pay attention.
But something was different this time.
There was no cold floor beneath me. No harsh light. No voices waiting for me to slip up.
Just…warmth.
A hand rests gently on my hair. A heartbeat under my check.
My lids fluttered, heavy, and reluctant. The world came back into pieces. The weight of a blanket, the faint scent of someone I didn’t recognize at first. It was clean and warm.
Evander.
Memory hit me in a slow wave. The panic, the shaking. The way I’d clung without meaning to. The way the Alpha hadn’t pushed me away.
My fingers twisted against my chest, testing the world, and testing whether I was still here. The hand on my hair didn’t tighten or pull. It just stayed there, supporting me when I didn’t know I needed it.
My throat tightened. I hadn’t opened my eyes yet. Waking up meant facing whatever came next. But staying still meant letting myself feel this a little longer, and that was the better of the two options.
I breathed slowly; the air shook in my lungs and let it out even slower. My body was tired, still heavy, but the fear wasn’t as sharp as it should have been. Not with Evander’s heartbeat under my ear. Not with the hand in my hair.
I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do now. I wasn’t sure I could move even if I wanted to.
But for the first time in a very long time, waking up didn’t feel like a mistake.
I felt like I belonged, if only for a fleeting moment.
My body made the choice for me before I could decide on what to do myself.
I shifted just a little. Just a tiny adjustment of my head against Evander’s chest, and a soft sound escaped me. It was half sigh, half apology. My eyes fluttered open, but I didn’t lift my head. Not yet.
I wasn’t ready to let this comfort be taken away yet. I wasn’t ready to admit that I enjoyed this touch out loud either.
So, I hovered in that between space of awake but pretending I wasn’t fully. Close, but ready to pull back to the second Evander gave any sign I should.
My voice came out rough, barely above a whisper. “…. sorry.”
I didn’t even know what I was apologizing for. Everything, probably.
Evander didn’t let the apology settle between us. The moment the small, cracked word left my mouth, his hand stilled in my hair.
“You don’t need to apologize,” he mumbled, voiced low and steady against the top of my head. “Not for sleeping. Not for holding on. Not for anything.”
He shifted just enough to angle his chin atop my head, a quiet anchor rather than a correction.
The tenson began to creep in again like a rising river.
I shouldn’t be sleeping in an Alpha’s lap. I shouldn’t be content doing so. And I certainly shouldn’t be just lazy.
“You didn’t do a single thing wrong,” Evander added, softer now, like he was speaking to my thoughts. “You were tired. It’s been a hard few hours for you. There is never any shame in needing to rest. Ever.”
I twitched my fingers against Evander’s shirt, somehow clutching onto the Alpha without my consent once again.
“I’m glad you slept.” His thumb brushed a slow line through my hair again. “You’re safe here. With me. You don’t have to earn that, sweetheart.”
I let his words settle, my body slowly relaxing against the hold again.
Surely, if Evander didn’t want me in his lap, he’d have either told me so or moved me already.
“How are you feeling?” He spoke quietly, his voice rumbling right beneath my ear.
“Comfy.” The word was out before I even thought about it. “Better, I think. I can breathe now.”
My chest still felt tight, like someone had wrapped a band around my ribs, but it wasn’t crushing panic. Just leftovers, and normal. My chest was always tight, back always straight. Perfect, at all times.
But not right now. I didn’t have to be perfect. Evander didn’t want that.
I shifted just enough to look up at the Alpha, finding him looking at me like I was in his entire world.
That one look seeped into my soul, soothing parts of if that I was sure would never be healed.
I wanted him to look at me like that every moment of every day. It was filled with so many things I couldn’t name.
I was seen.
I blinked, tucking myself back into that area between his neck and chest, right under his jaw.
“Didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.” I whispered, forcing my hand to let go of his shirt, only for my hand to spread out against his chest instead. “I…. it’s been a lot.”
A lot of ups and downs my entire life, but more so the last however long I’d been here. Way too many panic attacks in a short amount of time, that was for sure.
Evander’s fingers brushed against my head again, and I couldn’t help but close my eyes at the touch, body relaxing against him once more.
“It has been a lot,” he agreed.
I wasn’t sure if I wanted to stay like this or disappear entirely. Both urges tugged at me, tangled and confused. But Evander’s heartbeat under my cheek grounded me more than anything I had before. It kept me from panicking, kept me from drowning in thoughts of how to serve.
“I’m…. Okay. I think.” The last part came out small, uncertain, like I was testing the truth of what I said.
I wasn’t okay. Far from it. But as long as Evander wanted me, I would do my best to be an okay version of what I was.
“If the panic comes back, at any time, you are welcome to tell me. Crawl into my lap, whatever you need. I don’t want you to get that upset again. Understood?”
“Yes, Sir.” I didn’t like being that upset, either.
I didn’t want to get hurt, didn’t want to fight to breathe, didn’t want to suffer like that for the rest of my days. And if this Alpha offered a way out, I’d take it. I’d happily take comfort, even if it felt foreign to have.
Evander’s body shifted beneath him; muscles tightened just slightly before he moved to sit a bit straighter. It wasn’t sudden or jarring, just carefully done as though I was putting his legs to sleep with how I sat across his lap.
He didn’t pull away. If anything, his arm around my back drew me closer, like he didn’t want me to leave him either. The couch dipped softly; my cheek slid his chest to his shoulder at the new position.
“I’m just getting a little more comfortable. You’re alright right where you are.” Evander whispered.
I nodded and let myself lean into his warmth, letting Evander guide the moment because it was easier that way.
Easier than guessing. Easier than bracing for the wrong choice.
I’d spent years learning how to follow, how to read danger, and how to keep myself small.
I wasn’t good at knowing what someone wanted unless they said it outright, but maybe I didn’t have to be anymore.
Maybe Evander didn’t expect me to anticipate anything.
Maybe he was willing to carry the weight of decisions until I could stand on my own again.
The thought should’ve scared me—how quickly my mind reached for that kind of structure, how ready I was to hand over the pieces of myself I’d been forced to guard. After everything, after all the fear and training and hurt, wanting someone else to take the lead should’ve felt like a step backward.
But with Evander…it didn’t feel like losing myself. It felt like I was resting.
I stayed where I was, caught between wanting to sit up and wanting to sink back into the warmth I’d woken in.
If I were still at Lockswell, I wouldn’t be here.
I wouldn’t be held. I wouldn’t be treated like someone worthy of gentleness.
I’d be on my knees in front of another stranger, doing whatever it took to survive another day, another hour, another breath.
Useful. Exhausted. Empty.
But now…
Now I didn’t know what came next. I didn’t know what I was allowed to want. I didn’t know how to be anything other than afraid.
I stayed where I was, half awake, half adrift; my thoughts moved slowly like they were wading through warm water.
“You know…” Evander whispered, thumb still in my hair. “I once held a little Omega boy just like this.”
My breath caught but didn’t pull away.
“We were camping,” he went on. “Out under the stars. The boy crawled into my lap because he was cold, and he fell asleep on me before he even finished telling me about the constellations he’d made up.”
Why did that feel so…familiar?
It tugged at something, some half-memory, half feeling, like a threat I couldn’t grasp. I tried to follow it, but it slipped away the second I reached for it, leaving only the echo of warmth and a faint ache in my chest.
“That boy held my heart back then,” Evander said quietly. “Didn’t know it, of course. He just curled up and trusted me to keep him warm. To keep him safe. And now….” He sighed, pressing his lips to the top of my head.
The words settled over me like a blanket, warm and heavy, but I didn’t know what to do with them. I didn’t know this Alpha was like that. Not in the way he was describing. Not in the way the story implied.
Was he…expecting me to step into that memory? To fill the space that little boy that he once knew?
I could, if he wanted, I knew how to fit myself into whatever shape someone needed. It wouldn’t be hard. I might even like it.
But at the same time…that story felt too real
Little flashes flickered though my mind.
A hard patch of ground beneath my back as I stared up at a sky full of stars.
A warm body beside me as twilight settled over the trees, a breeze brushing across my skin.
Laughter – my own, light and breathless – as I ran through a field of flowers, someone bigger chasing me in a game that felt safe.