CHAPTER 1
GRAYSON
THREE MONTHS AGO
S omeone, somewhere, claimed that time heals all wounds.
I call bullshit.
The only thing time has done is allowed the darkness inside of me to take root and spread further and further until I’m so deep in it that I’m unable to crawl my way out.
Nothing and no one could’ve prepared me for life in a world where Rueben doesn’t exist, but everyday I’m reminded of all the things he’s missing out on. Not just in my life, but in his daughter’s life also.
I’m ashamed to admit that in the months that followed Ruebens death, I had a hard time facing Sapphire. Her face, so much like her fathers, was nothing but a constant reminder of all I’d lost.
It wasn’t just Sapphire I’d avoided, but Ruebens parents too. I couldn’t face them without seeing his lifeless body on the ground. Without hearing the paramedics call time of death .
I was consumed by guilt, wishing that I had done more. Everyone has told me that there was nothing I could have done to save him, but I disagree. I could’ve stopped him from pursuing a career so dangerous. Could have convinced him to come and work on the ranch with my brothers and me. Anything that would’ve changed the outcome of his life.
I was selfish in my grief. I was selfish because, while I was suffering, I’d forgotten that there was a two-year-old girl out there, growing up without her father. A mother and father living every day without their only son.
It wasn’t until Rebecca, Sapphire’s mom, turned up at my house and demanded I let her in where she proceeded to ream me out for not visiting my Goddaughter, that I realised my selfishness.
After that day, I made a vow with myself that I’d never let my own grief take precedence over theirs. Because whatever I felt? They felt tenfold.
And just like I’ve found myself doing every week for the past four years, I climb the steps to Reubens family home and knock.
It only takes a minute before the door swings open, and his mom is pulling me into a hug. “Grayson, honey.”
“Hey, Mary,” I say, returning her affection.
Besides my own mother and Sapphire, Mary is the only other person I reserve any kind of affection for.
“Come on in. I’ve made lunch,” she says, pulling the door open for me to step inside. I remove my hat before entering and following Mary into the kitchen where Jasper, Ruebens dad, sits at the table, a newspaper open in front of him.
Jasper closes the paper and stands as we enter. “Hey, kid,” he says, still using the nickname he gave me when I was nothing more than a spotty, prepubescent teenager camping in his living room.
“Hey, anythin’ exciting in there?” I nod towards the paper he was reading.
“Is there ever?” he chuckles, moving it to the side as his wife sets his lunch in front of him. I watch his expression soften as it always does when Mary’s in the same room and a pang hits me in the chest. I rub the spot, my brows furrowed.
I never realised the impact my absence had on the Delaney family until I finally pulled myself together and gained the courage to show my face here. I stood on their doorstep, a broken twenty-two year old and when Mary opened the door she had broke down in tears and pulled me into a fierce hug. When she sat me down and told me it was like they had lost two sons instead of one, my heart broke a little more for the family that welcomed me into their home as a teenager.
Like I said, I was selfish.
A plate is placed on the table in front of me and I look down. My lips twitch slightly at the chicken sandwich that happens to be my favourite. “Thank you,” I tell Mary, a genuine smile on my face this time and she squeezes my shoulder softly before taking a seat next to her husband.
I’m halfway through my sandwich when Mary speaks, “So, have you met anyone yet?”
I barely contain my eye roll. She asks me this question weekly. “Not in the last week, but I promise when I do, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Mary, leave the boy alone. He’s in his prime,” Jasper winks at me and I force a laugh.
It’s highly unlikely I’ll be giving Mary the news that I’ve met someone any time soon, but I won’t burst her bubble. I don’t know why she’s so concerned about my love life, but if I had to guess, I’d say she just doesn’t want me to be alone forever, and I appreciate her for that. I just don’t have anything to offer another person right now.
“How’s work going, kid? You boys’ keeping up with the work now your daddy’s not around?” Jasper asks with a teasing wink.
“Sure are. Makes no difference to my job whether my dad’s there or not. Hunter’s the one dealing with all the daily stuff dad usually does so he may have a different opinion.” I tell him.
“I’m sure y’all will do just fine. You’ve been trained your whole lives for the day you three would take over.” Mary says, patting my hand affectionately. I nod my head with a tight-lipped smile and the three of us go back to eating in a comfortable silence.
We finish lunch without any more conversations regarding my relationship status and before long, I’m saying my good-byes and heading out the door to my truck.
I make the familiar drive back to the ranch in silence, like I often do after a visit with the Delaney’s, my thoughts running wild with the what ifs. What if Rue hadn’t died? Where would he be in life now? He came first in the competition that night, but he never got the chance to find out or reap the benefits of his win.
In the end, it was all for nothing.
I take the right turn onto the gravel driveway, passing the large oak sign reading ‘ The Calloway Ranch’ and continuing past the main house, deciding to go straight to the smaller barn nearest to my house where we house the untrained, more skittish horses.
My brothers and I were groomed from children in preparation of running The Calloway Ranch. We finally took the reins a few months ago when our parents announced their retirement. They’ve been away on a cruise for the last few months but are expected home in just a few weeks.
Hunter, being the oldest handles majority of the responsibility, along with all the boring parts too, like meeting with investors, handling paperwork and dealing with auctions. I prefer to focus mainly on the rescued and untamed horses in need of training, while Noah… honestly, I’m not sure what the fuck Noah does.
I often keep myself to myself, but I also know I have to make appearances with my brothers’ if I don’t want them showing up at my house for a fucking bonding session.
So, when they invite me for a beer, I’ll say yes. I’ll nod and laugh when I’m supposed to. I’ll answer their questions, and show interest where needed, all while I feel like I’m dying on the inside, as long as it keeps their worry at bay, and them away from my home.
It’s not like I don’t love my brothers’, because I do. It’s just exhausting, always having to pretend to be someone I’m not. I know they see through the facade the majority of the time, but they’ve never mentioned it, and I respect them for that. I think they learned from the last time they tried to insert themselves in my life by staging some kind of fucked-up intervention that ended with me destroying Noah’s living room and hiding in my house for days.
I climb out of my truck and enter the barn, heading straight for the tack room to grab the supplies I need. I like to keep the space as clean and prepared as a barn can be in case we get any emergency arrivals. This barn is used mainly for the untrained horses that I work one-to-one with, but there have been times it’s used as shelter for sick or injured cattle.
I’m halfway through mucking out a stall when my phone vibrates with an incoming text from Noah .
Noah: Goin’ for a beer later. You coming?
Me: Yeah. Pick me up.
Noah: See you at 6.
I often wonder why they still invite me. It’s not like I bring the energy or the vibe, or whatever the fuck the kids are calling it these days. I’m well aware that I’m a miserable prick, so it begs the question; do they invite me out of obligation or guilt? ‘Cause it certainly isn’t for my personality.
***
Noah picks me up at exactly six o’clock, grumbling some shit about Hunter being a pussy, but I ignore him as we make the short drive to our older brother’s house.
I remain silent on the journey to The Dusty Boot – our local dive bar – where we meet up with Noah’s best friend Killian, we sit at our usual table along the back wall that allows us to have the view of the entire bar, front doors and dance floor, and within moments April Harlow approaches us to take our orders.
I make conversation with Killian, asking him about business and he’s halfway through telling me about the quieter season when the three of them pause, their gazes focused on the front doors as they swing closed behind the blonde that just entered them.
“Jesus Christ,” Hunter mutters, his eyes locked on the woman as he drags a hand down his face.
“Fuck,” comes from Noah.
“Who is that?” Killian wonders, bringing his beer to his lips.
I look at her briefly before turning back to my beer. My brother, on the other hand, immediately stands and makes his way across the bar to introduce himself like an over excited puppy.
I shake my head. She’s beautiful, sure, but nothing – women included – appeals to me anymore. I prefer to be alone, in the quiet. And truthfully, I don’t think any woman in their right mind would want to spend more than a few minutes in my presence.
I’m aware of the whispers. The way people watch me from afar, turning away quickly if I happen to make eye contact with them. And I don’t care. They can think what they want. I have no desire to change anyone’s opinion of me. And I have absolutely zero interest in explaining to someone why I am the way I am.
Not sure if you’ve noticed, but I’m not a great conversationalist.
I watch as Hunter openly flirts with the blonde, earning a blush from her before she turns to leave. He watches her shamelessly, his eyes locked on her ass as she goes.
In a way, I envy him. I envy all of them. How it’s so easy for them to set their sights on something they want and go after it. That they can just go about their lives without worrying about what the future may hold.
All of them were there that day. They all witnessed the same devastation I did. And they all eventually moved on from it. They don’t relive that night again and again every time they close their eyes. It became a taboo subject that everyone avoids. Almost like it was locked away, never to be spoken about again. I don’t know if that’s for my sake or their own, but either way, I can’t brush it off as easily as they did.
Hunter returns to our table, announcing it’s time to leave and I throw some dollar bills down before following them out and climbing in the back of Noah’s truck. I stay quiet the entire drive home as I watch the town pass by in a blur of lights, my mind preoccupied with thoughts of Ruebens upcoming anniversary.