CHAPTER 19
GRAYSON
M y beer halts halfway to my lips as Liv sashays into the kitchen, her shoulders back and head held high. My eyes find my brother as he looks between the two of us, catching the guilty redness in his face before he busies himself with chopping onions.
We’ve been set up.
I focus my gaze back on Liv, raking my eyes over her. She’s wearing a dress today. Blue, like the colour of her eyes hugs every curve, making her olive skin appear darker against the light material. Her dark hair is pulled back from her face with a flower claw clip and hangs down her back in loose waves. Her face is makeup free, only a light coat of mascara on her lashes that makes her eyes more striking than usual as they land on my face.
“Gray,” she nods towards me casually. Like I’m an acquaintance, and not someone who knows how she sounds when she comes.
“Blue,” I reply, tipping my beer toward her and revelling in the way her false bravado slips, cheeks staining pink at the nickname.
My new sister-in-law enters the kitchen with Reign in tow and Hunter lets out a loud breath as he reaches for his fiancée. “Oh, thank God you’re here. It was getting intense in here.”
Savannah laughs, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek before opening the fridge and pulling out a beer for Liv, who stands with an amused smirk on her face as she shakes her head at my brother.
“Whats intense mean?” Reign asks, her doe eyes wide with genuine interest.
I raise a brow at Hunter and wait. “Intense is what the air feels like when your uncle Gray looks at your aunt Liv.”
His response has both women throwing their heads back with a laugh and my lips twitch in amusement as the young girl looks between us and nods her head like she’s satisfied with that answer. “Oh, okay.”
The five of us sit around the table eating dinner as Savannah tells Liv about her most recent ultrasound and the pair gush over baby showers and all that girly shit. Hunter chimes in every now and then with ideas about themes and I watch the way he beams with pride as he talks about his unborn child.
I’m happy for him. He’s getting everything he ever wanted in life, but I can’t help the pang of envy I feel as he plans his future without a single worry of losing it all hanging over his head.
I realise that isn’t a healthy way of thinking, but it’s also the only way I think. When you lose someone close to you, someone you thought would be a part of your life forever, it alters your brain chemistry. It makes you realise that tomorrow isn’t promised for anyone.
And for some, that revelation would push them to chase all the things they’ve ever wanted. The house. The family. But for me, it did the opposite .
It made me want to run from that. To avoid letting anyone close to me to save myself from the heartache that’ll inevitably follow when I lose them.
A lot of the people in this town think they know me. They think they have me figured out. That I’m the dark, unapproachable brother that’s incapable of love. And I let them. Because it’s easier for them to think that of me, than to explain that I’m not incapable of love. I’m terrified of it.
I watch Liv as she interacts with Reign and I know that if things were different, she’d be the woman I’d want in my future. The mother of my children someday. But that’s a pipe dream. It’s out of reach. It’s not possible.
My skin becomes clammy and my vision blurs around the edges as I stand abruptly, excusing myself from the table. My chest is tight as I step out onto Hunters porch and suck in my first full breath in minutes.
I sit on the porch steps, drop my head between my knees and inhale deeply as the panic attack threatens to take over.
The first time I had one of these, I almost passed out. I remember the way my heart beat double time in my chest, and I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know what was happening to me, or why, but I was sure I was dying. And at the time, I welcomed it.
They happened often after that first time. It was almost like I lived my life waiting for the next one, and it was crippling. I stopped leaving the house because I didn’t want anyone to witness me crumble.
It wasn’t until I started therapy that I learned what I was experiencing was anxiety. And with some basic breathing techniques I could control them, instead of letting them control me. And for the most part, it had worked. Every so often, on Reuben’s anniversary or birthday – when I visited his grave – they’d hit me out of nowhere, but other than that, I had control again. Until Hunter was stabbed.
It was like a glaring reminder not to get too comfortable. That life can change at the drop of a hat, and my world could easily be turned upside down all over again.
I guess this is just the universes way of telling me that my future will never be like my brothers. Like some sick kind of revenge for even daring to imagine it for even a moment.
The soft click of the door behind me lets me know that someone has followed me out here, but I don’t lift my head to see who it is. I know it’s Olivia without even looking.
Her familiar coconut scent wraps around me like a comfort blanket as she takes a seat next to me. My skin prickles in awareness as heat radiates from her body and each second that passes in comfortable silence has my breaths coming a little easier. She doesn’t make a smart-ass comment. Doesn’t try to crack a joke or ask any questions, just offers me her silent support and in that moment I’m grateful.
I don’t know how long we sit like that before I finally raise my head and cast a sideways glance at Liv. She gives me a soft smile. “Wanna talk about it?”
I shake my head, and she gives me a nod in return, turning her gaze back out towards the paddocks. I follow her line of sight and watch Hunters horse, Luna, as she chews on hay peacefully, her tail swaying happily.
Liv’s voice breaks the silence, and I turn my head to watch her as she speaks. “The first time I had a panic attack I was fifteen.”
She meets my eyes before continuing. “I had just found out that I was going into the system. My parents were dead, and I was alone in the world. An orphan. ”
An image of a younger version of Liv flashes in my mind. Scared and alone after the death of her parents as a stranger adds to her grief and my chest aches.
“I remember that blind panic I felt when I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything around me felt fake. Like I was trapped inside a glass bubble screaming for help and people were just passing me by. They couldn’t see me. Couldn’t hear me. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, all I knew was I wanted my mum, and she wasn’t here anymore.” She looks away from me as she wipes a stray tear from her face. “I was recovering from my own injuries, surrounded by police officers and social workers and not one of them could see that I was falling apart right there in the waiting room. And then Savannahs mum was there. She came storming into that hospital, wrapped me in her arms and told them I was going home with her. For the first time in hours, somebody saw me.”
Liv has a watery smile on her face as she recalls the memory, and I remain silent, not wanting her to stop talking. I have no idea why she’s telling me this, but as she continues it becomes clear that this woman, so full of life and hope, has experienced a pain far worse than I have ever known.
Her sky-blue eyes shine with unshed tears as they land on mine. “I don’t know where I’d be now if that day had played out differently. And I’m aware of what you think of me. But I want you to know that I see you, Grayson.”
I open my mouth to ask what she thinks I think of her, but she stands, brushing the dirt off her dress before turning and walking back into Hunter’s house, leaving me bewildered as I stare at the door she entered through.
I stay there for a while, replaying everything she told me. Imagining how she must have felt in those worst moments of her life. How she overcame it all and became the woman she is today.
But the last thought I have before I stand and follow her inside is for the first time in four years, I feel seen.