CHAPTER 43
GRAYSON
“Y ou know we have a farrier on site, right?” Hunter says as he hands me the hoof pick.
“I’m aware,” I say as I remove the dirt from Caspers hoof.
“So, why are you out here in the rain doing it instead of letting Mikey handle it?” Mikey is the on-site farrier he was referring to earlier. I could’ve let him do it. He’s good at his job, but I’ve worked hard to get Casper to where he is now, and I don’t want to risk undoing all that hard work by letting a man he’s never met change his shoes.
I pause and look up at him. “I’m not in the rain,” I gesture to the barn around us.
Hunter rolls his eyes. “You know what I mean. It’s cold as balls out here. There’s a storm rolling in.”
“Well, you don’t have to be out here,” I remind him as I go back to digging the mud from Caspers hoof.
“I know, but I saw the light on and thought I’d come check on you. ”
I raise a brow at him. “I’m fine.”
Hunter props a shoulder against the stable wall and crosses his legs at the ankle. “How’s things with Liv?”
“Fine,” I mumble, trying to ignore the way my pulse kicks up at the mention of her name.
She went quiet on me earlier this week and although her friends claimed she was sick, something about it didn’t sit right with me. But, to my surprise, when I woke up this morning, I had the usual daily horse joke and when I went to the café on the off chance she was there, I was greeted by her smiling face.
Turns out, I was overthinking after all.
“I’ve minded my own business when it comes to you two, but I have to ask, do you know what you’re doing there, man?” his tone is careful, like he’s afraid of how I’ll react to his question.
I put down the tool and look him in the eyes. “I care about her, Hunter. We’re just enjoying each other’s company right now, that’s it.”
Hunter searches my face. “Just don’t hurt her man. I don’t wanna be in a position where my future wife hates my brother.”
I open my mouth to respond but pause as a ghostly pale Savannah comes into view in the entryway of the barn. Water drips off her rain-soaked hair as she tries to catch her breath.
Hunter must see the concern on my face because he follows my line of sight with furrowed brows. As soon as his eyes land on his fiancée in the doorway he’s moving.
“Goldie? What’s happened?” Savannah doesn’t respond or look at him as her body trembles violently and tears stream down her face unchecked .
Her eyes stay locked on mine as she lifts her phone in the air. “T-there w-was an ac-accident,” she stutters between sobs and my heart sinks into the pit of my stomach as realisation barrels into me.
Blue.
Dread coils tight in my chest as I drop the horse’s leg from between mine and walk towards her. “Where is she, Savannah?”
“S-she was on her way here,” she cries. Hunter reaches for her but I’m already halfway out the door towards my truck.
Raindrops pelt against my skin as I pull my keys from my pocket and climb in, ignoring Hunters calls for me to wait for him. I put the truck in drive and take off across the ranch towards the entrance and onto the main road.
My heart pounds against my ribcage, a million different scenarios flashing through my brain as I speed down the dark country road and search for Liv’s car. None of them are good. I have no idea if she’s dead or alive. No idea if she’s hurt. The only thought resounding in my head as I drive is, I can’t lose her.
We haven’t had enough time.
I pull my phone out of my pocket and dial Liv’s number, praying that she may be able to reach her phone somehow. The phone rings. And rings. And rings, before going to voicemail.
“Fuck!” I scream into the silence of my truck as I tighten my hands on the steering wheel. Nausea roils in my stomach as my eyes slash from left to right in search of a wreckage.
Headlights flash at me from behind and I look up into my rearview mirror, seeing Hunters truck following me. I focus my attention back on the road as the rain beats against my windscreen.
The last thing I need right now is to end up in an accident myself.
Before long, the telltale flashing lights of emergency vehicles come into view, and I realise Savannah must have called 911 before she came out to the barn.
As soon as my truck comes to a stop, I’m out of the vehicle and running towards them.
The first thing my eyes land on is the mangled pile of metal resembling Livs car where it lays on its roof in the middle of the gravel lane.
Bile rises in my throat, and I fight to keep from vomiting right there on the side of the road. My eyes volley from person to person, searching for her long black hair and those beautiful eyes but I don’t see her.
My eyes sting with unshed tears as I look back at the car, noticing the firefighters for the first time as they use the jaws of life to pry the door open.
Hunter, Noah and my dad run towards me as I turn away from the scene. Placing my hands on my head, I pull at my hair and look up at the sky. The rain is cold against my face and the icy droplets keep me grounded amidst the chaos happening behind me.
“Is she still in the car?” Noah's voice penetrates my thoughts, and I look down at him. His eyes are wide with fear as he takes it all in.
“Yeah,” I croak, my voice raspy from screaming in my truck.
Paramedics pull a stretcher from the back of the ambulance and wheel it towards the car. I sink to my knees and cradle my head in my hands, unable to watch as they pull her out.
I can’t watch another person I love die.
Because I do. As much as I’ve fought against it and tried to deny it. I love her.
I think I’ve loved her since the moment she placed that damn juice box in front of me. This whole time I’ve been telling myself I just needed to get her out of my system. That we could have our fun until it ran its course, and we’d go our separate ways. But I think I knew from the moment I touched her in that hallway at The Boot that I’ll never be done with Olivia Donahue.
The first tear drops on my face as the very fear I’ve been running from all these years catches up to me. It wraps its arms around me, suffocating me until it becomes hard to breathe.
All this time, I sheltered myself from love. Kept everyone I care about at a distance. Avoided letting anyone close to me so I’d never have to feel this heart ache again. And the moment I let my guard down; the universe fucked me.
I take a deep breath and look up as they wheel Liv across the road towards the ambulance. A man squeezes a manual oxygen mask over her mouth and my lungs seize.
I stand and spin on my heel. “I can’t do this,” I whisper as I take off running towards my truck. My brothers call after me, but I shake my head as I climb in and drive away.
I refuse to watch another person I love die.
** *
“Hey, brother,” I say as I take a seat on the wet grass next to Reuben’s grave. The rain has slowed down to a lighter drizzle now, but a shiver wracks my body as I pull a bottle of whiskey from my pocket.
My clothes are soaked through but it’s the last thing on my mind as I speak to my best friend's headstone. “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to come out here and talk to you,” I suck in a deep breath before continuing, “honestly, it feels a little stupid, but my therapist said it might help, so here I am.”
I open the bottle and take a long drink, relishing the burn as the thick liquid slides down my throat. “I met someone. Her names Liv and I really think you’d like her. She tests my patience every day, man. I actually brought her out here not too long ago and told her all about you.”
A harsh wind blows against my face, and I take another drink, hoping the alcohol will warm the chill in my bones. “The thing is, Rue, there was an accident tonight,” my voice cracks with emotion as my vision begins to blur, “and I don’t know if she’s gonna make it,” I pause, taking a moment to compose myself, “the second I saw her on that stretcher I completely lost it. All I could remember was watching the life fade from you as they done CPR and I just couldn’t watch any longer. I ran away, man.”
Clearing my throat, I drop my head back against the side of his headstone and look up at the dark sky.
The inky blackness reminds me of her midnight hair, and I’m assaulted with images of her. Of the small freckle right above the left side of her top lip. The way she smiles at me over her shoulder right before she says something to annoy me. The sound of the breathy laugh she lets out right after she comes down from a soul bending orgasm .
“I love her,” I tell Rueben quietly. “I didn’t realise it until I was running towards her upside-down car and was confronted with the fear of never seeing her again. Never hearing her laugh again. I don’t even know how it happened.”
My head feels cloudy as I gulp down more whiskey. I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand and shake my head at myself. “After you died, I did everything in my power to make sure this wouldn’t happen. Never wanted to feel the kind of hurt I felt when I lost you. But fuck, she snuck past my defences.”
A watery laugh slips out. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, Rue. I’m getting drunk in a graveyard in the rain and talking to a stone. I just wish you were here to tell me what I’m supposed to do next.”
I wait. For something, anything to indicate he can hear me. To give me any kind of sign that my best friend is with me. But of course, nothing happens. The rain falls, and the wind blows, and life moves on around me as I drown my sorrows on the ground. “I miss you, brother,” I croak as I embrace the hollowness forming in my chest.
I have no idea how long I sit there with my head tilted towards the sky. Long enough to finish the bottle of whiskey. And long enough for the black sky to slowly become lighter as the sun rises behind the mountains. The rain stopped a while ago and my clothes have started to dry but I don’t move. Couldn’t even if I wanted to. I’m too far gone to drive.
The birds are chirping when I hear a car roll to a stop outside of the cemetery gates. I don’t look to see who approaches but I feel them sit down beside me. After several minutes of silence, I open my eyes and look to the left.
Relief fills me when I see the blonde sitting on the other side of Rueben’s grave. She tilts her head at me with a sympathetic smile. “You look like shit, Gray.”
“Thanks. Did they send you?” My voice is hoarse, and I clear the gravel from my throat as I wait for a response.
“No. Hunter was going to come find you, but I thought it would be less likely that you’d blow up at me,” Savannah says, her eyes tired and full of sadness.
“You’re probably right,” I scrub a hand down my face. Shame fills me as I look at Liv’s best friend. “Is she okay?”
She nods, her chin trembling as tears fill her green eyes. “She has a broken arm, concussion and she’s cut up pretty good, but she’s okay, Gray.”
A weight lifts off my chest as a relieved breath whooshes out of me.
She’s okay.
“Why was she on that road in the rain?” I ask the question that’s been plaguing my mind all night.
“She found out that someone made an offer on her parent’s house. She sounded so distraught when she called me and told me she was on her way to the ranch.”
My eyes meet Savannahs in surprise. “You were on the phone when she crashed?”
Looking up at the sky, she exhales a shaky breath, “I don’t think I’ll forget the sound of her scream for as long as I live.”
Fuck.
My heart cracks in my chest as I scoot across the ground and pull her into me. I wrap my arms around Savannah as she cries against me, her shoulders shaking with silent sobs.
I hold her until her tears die down and she sniffles as she pulls away.
“We should go. Your family are worried about you.” Savannah stands, brushing the mud off her leggings before reaching a hand out to me. I reluctantly take it, mainly because I don’t think I’m capable of standing on my own right now and allow her to pull me up. My legs are weak beneath me and my head spins from the amount of alcohol I’ve consumed in the last few hours.
I follow Savannah to her car and let her hold the door open for me as I sink into her passenger seat. She climbs in the drivers side and starts the car. Heat blasts from the vents and I welcome the warmth against my cold face. Laying my head back against the seat, I close my heavy eyes as she drives towards the ranch.
Less than ten minutes later, the road beneath us changes from smooth to gravel and I open my eyes as we turn into the ranch. Savannah watches me out of the corner of her eye as she guides the car towards my house.
“Do you love her?” she asks quietly as she pulls to a stop.
I release an audible sigh. “Yeah.”
I see her nod in my periphery as she stares ahead. “But you’re gonna break her heart, right?”
That same sinking feeling I felt earlier returns and my chest aches as I look at my sister-in-law. I open my mouth to respond but when nothing comes out, she just nods again, her eyes filled with disappointment.
It guts me .
I never wanted to hurt Liv. It was the whole reason I was sceptical about the entire arrangement in the beginning. I fucking knew someone would end up getting hurt, but I was greedy and did it anyway.
I reach for the door handle, but her voice stops me. “Can you do me a favour?”
“What is it?”
“Can you make sure this is definitely what you want before you make any decisions?”
I nod; already sure this is the right choice. I reach for the handle again and her hand on my shoulder makes me pause. “And Gray?” This time I face her when she speaks to me, “she’s gonna hate you for this.”
“I know.” I’m counting on it.
“As long as you know,” she says finally and I climb out, tipping my hat at her as I close the door and drag my sorry ass into my house.