Chapter Forty-One
Lochan
“ You ’ re going to wear a hole in the floor, Loch,” Callen says
I stop pacing and sigh, running my fingers through my hair. The longer I leave this the worse it ’ s going to be. Seeing Brigid now is a special kind of torture. The smell of her lingers in the room. I stare at the door.
“ Just go talk to her, you fucking eejit.” Rory tosses a piece of popcorn up in the air and catches it in his mouth. “ You can probably still catch her.”
“ I thought the plan was for us to stay away from her in public.” The plan. My plan. Stupid plan.
“ Fuck the plan, my friend.” Callen adjusts the cuffs of his shirt. “ We found out what we needed to know.”
Tiernan ’ s standing at the window, staring out. “ I don ’ t think we fooled anyone, to be honest.”
I close my eyes. Of course he ’ s right. The Council ’ s always been two steps ahead. All we did was deprive ourselves of time with our mate. Time with Brigid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I grind the heel of my palm into my forehead.
“ Just go!” Rory points to the door, shaking his head at me.
Fine. I whip open the door and stride through Grimstone ’ s empty corridors. Most have gone home for the break between terms.
Some of us have no home to go to, like me, Rory and Tiernan. Some of us do, but choose to stay here anyhow, like Callen.
Brigid is like us. No one to go back home to. I have to find her, make this right.
I catch a flash of dark hair disappearing around a corner, and I quicken my pace, rounding the bend to see Brigid ’ s retreating form.
“ Wait,” I shout, my voice harsher than intended.
She freezes, the line of her shoulders stiff. Slowly, she rotates to meet my gaze. Those gray eyes meet mine, guarded and wary.
Fuck. My throat tightens. How do I even begin to fix this mess I ’ ve made?
“ Can we talk?” I manage to get out.
Brigid regards me silently for a while. I hold my breath, half-expecting her to tell me to go to hell. I ’ d deserve it.
“ What are you doing?” She looks around to see if anyone is watching. “ We aren ’ t supposed to be seen together.”
I wave my hand, hurriedly. “ That ’ s over now.”
“ That ’ s over now,” she mutters. “ I ’ m so glad I ’ m consulted when you boys make decisions that involve me.”
“ Please.” Not a word that comes out of my mouth often.
She stares at me for a long while. Too long. She ’ s going to tell me to fuck off. I know it. Then she gives a curt nod. “ Fine.”
She leads us to an empty classroom nearby, still trying to stay out of sight. As the door clicks shut behind us, I feel suddenly at a loss for words.
I open my mouth, but nothing comes out. All my thoughts desert me in the face of her cool gaze.
Brigid crosses her arms. “ Well? You wanted to talk.”
Right. Shit or get off the pot, Lochan. I inhale deeply.
“ I fucked up,” I blurt out. Real smooth. “ The way I ’ ve treated you... it wasn ’ t right.”
Her eyebrows rise slightly, the only reaction to my outburst.
I clench and unclench my fists, frustration bubbling up. Why is this so damn hard?
“ Look, I ’ ve been an asshole. I let my prejudices cloud my judgment. You didn ’ t deserve that.”
Brigid ’ s expression doesn ’ t change. She doesn ’ t speak.
The words start pouring out then, clumsy but honest. “ I was scared. Of my feelings for you, of what your magic represents. But that ’ s no excuse. I hurt you, and I ’ m sorry.”
I meet her eyes, willing her to see my sincerity. “ I want to make it right, if you ’ ll let me.”
“ How?”
What? “ Uh, what do you mean?” I feel panic rising.
Brigid speaks slowly, drawing out every word. “ How, are you going to ‘ make it up ’ to me, Lochan?” Her arms are crossed and her expression is closed off.
Fuck.
“ I... I don ’ t know,” I admit, resisting the urge to pace. “ But I want to try. Tell me what you need from me.”
Brigid ’ s eyes narrow. “ What I need? I needed you to believe in me. To trust me. I needed you not to treat me like I was tainted.” Her voice grows heated. “ I needed you not to fuck me and then act like I disgusted you.”
I flinch at her words, shame burning through me. “ I know. I fucked up.“ Her eyes are hard, but I deserve every bit of her anger.“You ’ re right,” I say, my voice rough. “ I was a coward. My past, my beliefs, they kept me from doing the right thing. I let my fear control me.”
“ Fear of what?” she demands.
“ Of feeling something real,” I confess. “ Of letting someone in after losing everyone. And yeah, of your magic too. I ’ ve spent so long hating shadow magic, convinced it took my family from me. Finding out I might ’ ve been wrong... it ’ s shaken everything I thought I knew.”
I stop and take a breath. What I ’ m about to say next is something I ’ ve only just started to allow myself to think about. Speaking it out loud, that makes it too real.
“ I found out some things about my family ’ s murder. It wasn ’ t shadow magic rebels who killed them.” I swallow hard. “ The Council. They lied. Used it as propaganda to start the war.” My jaw tightens. “ Everything I believed... it was all bullshit.”
She ’ s quiet, processing. “ That must have been hard to learn.”
I nod, not trusting my voice.
“ So what now?” Brigid asks.
“ Now I face the truth,” I say. “ About the Council, about shadow magic... about you.” I risk a glance up at her face. “ I feel the bond. Between you and me. It makes me think of you when you ’ re not there. Makes me dream of you. I want to know where you are at all times. I can ’ t get away from it.”
“ You can ’ t get away from it,” she repeats. “ You sure the fuck have tried, Lochan.”
“ I know. That ’ s on me. Me and my boneheadedness. I know I ’ ve pushed you away.”
“ You ’ ve done more than that.” Brigid turns away from me. “ Do you know how it feels to be vulnerable and exposed, to let someone in, like I let you inside me, and then they look at you like you ’ re nothing?”
Shame burns through me as images of that day race through my mind. Of Brigid naked against the tree, my cock buried deep inside her. How we fucked. How I pulled out and left her standing there, with what I ’ d just done dripping out from between her legs. How I tossed her clothes at her and just left. I just left.
I left my mate. My fucking mate.
“ I feel that every time I look at you and see the hurt I ’ ve caused.”
Brigid ’ s eyes flash. “ Don ’ t you dare try to make this about your pain.”
“ You ’ re right. I ’ m sorry.” I don ’ t know what to do with my hands so I shove them in my pockets. “ I ’ m fucking this up. Again.”
She sighs, some of the fight leaving her. “ What do you want from me, Lochan?”
“ A chance,” I say. “ To show you I can be better. To prove I ’ m not that asshole anymore.”
“ And if I say no?”
The thought makes my chest ache, but I force myself to say, “ Then I ’ ll respect that. I ’ ll leave you alone if that ’ s what you want.”
Brigid studies me intently. “ I don ’ t know what I want yet.”
It ’ s not a yes, but it ’ s not a no either. I ’ ll take it.
“ Okay,” I nod. “ That ’ s fair. Take all the time you need.”
She turns to leave, but pauses at the door. “ Lochan?”
“ Yeah?”
“ I ’ m glad you told me. About your family.” She doesn ’ t smile, doesn ’ t even really look at me.
But it ’ s a start.
I stay back a few minutes after Brigid leaves. The room smells like sulphur and candle wax, it ’ s stuffy and between it, and the weight of that conversation, I feel like I can ’ t get a deep breath in. I need some fucking air.
I push out of the room, my boots echoing down the empty corridor. The winter air hits my face as I step outside, and I take a deep breath, trying to clear my head.
The grounds are quiet. Even most of the faculty are gone now. I start walking, no real destination in mind. Just need to move, to do something with this restless energy coursing through me.
That ’ s when I see him. Marius.
He ’ s standing near the forest boundary, talking to someone. Someone in a hooded cloak. I don ’ t recognize them, whoever it is has their face hidden in shadow. It ’ s definitely not someone from the academy.
I move behind a tree and stand still, not wanting to be seen. Who the hell is Marius meeting out here in the middle of the night?
I strain to hear their conversation, but they ’ re speaking too low. Marius ’ posture is tense.
The cloaked figure hands Marius something—can ’ t see what—before melting back into the darkness of the trees.
Marius stands there for a long moment, staring at whatever he ’ s holding. Then he shoves it in his pocket and turns, heading back towards the academy.
I stay hidden, blending into the dark. As Marius passes, I catch a glimpse of his face. He looks... worried. And Marius never looks worried.
What the fuck is going on?