Chapter 15 Emil
EMIL
For three more days, that was our routine. Fucking. Napping. Then once someone in the local gang or Cartel found us, we’d escape and hide somewhere else again.
The coincidence of always being found didn’t sit well with me. Neither of us were amateurs at this. We weren’t carrying anything that someone could use to track us, not even my phone, which was rigged to be untraceable.
But still, someone seemed aware that we were in the area.
It’s not me. It’s you.
That was the only conclusion I could make. After checking in with Simon when Sadie was asleep, he triple-checked that I was untraceable.
That left one option.
Someone was tracking or following her. And if I had to guess, it was likely someone from her agency, wanting to know why she was sleeping with the enemy.
There was a good chance I was overthinking it and jumping to rash conclusions about this too, but it seemed far too likely of a coincidence.
I moved too well to be tracked and targeted this often.
It was one big part of why I had to end this now.
Before she got hurt. Or worse. Even if I was wrong and someone was siccing this Cartel after me, I didn’t want the wrath of my enemies to bring her closer to harm’s way.
Besides, with every day I got more complacent with her, relaxed to wake up with her in my arms and to fall asleep with her next to me in bed, I was aware of how deeply I was getting sucked into having her like this.
As if she were really my good girl. Like my little agent belonged to me.
In the back of my mind, I recalled that she wasn’t. She was from the opposite side of the law. And the more she shared with me about missing her parents and wanting to make the world a safer place, I realized that she was far too passionate about her job for me to ask her to give it up.
Giving up her career was out of the question.
That would be the same as her asking me to forsake mine and leave my family.
Not happening.
I sighed as I drove us to the airport. In another car we’d stolen, she sat in the passenger seat. Her black hair whipped back. Those bright blue eyes were hidden behind sunglasses. But it was her mere presence that called to my soul.
Fuck. I’m letting her matter too damn much.
I lifted her hand to kiss it as I drove.
I have to end this before we’re in any deeper.
Neither of us had plans to come together like this. It just happened. But it was still short enough in duration that it could constitute as a fling. Regarding how severely she’d gotten under my skin, I couldn’t say this was a no-strings-attached sort of one-off.
But I had better odds at keeping her safe if I distanced myself from her. No matter how loath I was to give her up.
“Where can we go now?” she asked as I parked.
This morning, I reminded her that we couldn’t just hide in the jungle forever. We had to “talk”, and she grimaced at the idea of it. While I appreciated how reluctant she was to address our differences, proving she felt the same as I did, she didn’t try to take charge of what should happen next.
If I had to guess, she was warring with the decision of having to turn me in
That wasn’t happening.
Instead, I suggested that we fly to another location and lose these Cartel thugs after us. I hadn’t given her a location, but I had it all set up. “You’ll see.”
We boarded and flew to the Caymans, the most neutral grounds I could think of in this sphere of the world.
Surprise showed on her face, but she didn’t protest or ask for details when we landed. More than anything, she had to be curious how I’d gotten around her not having an ID or a passport. I hadn’t missed her raising her brows when I slipped the pilot money for this favor of transportation.
The minutes ticked down until I’d need to leave. It was coming. It was inevitable. But I loathed that I had to give up the one person who’d… fit. Who’d seen me, truly seen me, not as a monster or only as a killer, but a man plagued with too much evil marring his soul.
Kissing her felt wrong now. In the room at the resort I’d had Simon make a reservation for, I led her toward the bed and distracted her with the idea of christening this new place too. As if this were a vacation and we were an ordinary couple in love.
She was game, though, kissing me back and tugging at my clothes. “Tell me how I can be your good girl, Emil.”
Fuck. She wasn’t making this easy.
“Lie down and give me your hands, little agent,” I whispered into her ear. Closing my eyes tightly, I tried to savor the trust she gave me, the small slice of her heart I wanted to keep forever.
She did as I told her, leaning back on the plush bed.
This room was an upgrade from the safehouses we’d broken into in Mexico.
At least like this, she’d be comfortable while she resumed her life.
She could pick up the pieces without worrying about a lack of running water or the jungle impeding her way.
Using the silky decorative throw, I bunched it up until it resembled a rope. Then as I tied her hands to the bedframe, I denied the cracks forming in my heart. The ache setting in that I had to walk away.
As soon as she was secure, I stepped back and sighed. One last look of her would have to last me a long time, but like this, she resembled more of the furious captive I’d kidnapped, not the lover I’d coaxed to meet me in the middle.
“Emil?” She tugged on her hands. Something in my expression must have clued her in to the fact that this wasn’t going as she wanted it to. Too much space yawned between us as I stood back, hands in my pockets, heart breaking slowly.
I couldn’t love her.
I just couldn’t.
It wasn’t supposed to work like this.
I swallowed hard as she narrowed her eyes. She was a smart one, quick to read the room. “Emil.”
I shook my head slowly. “I need to go.”
Gaping at me for a full minute, she was frozen in shock. “Emil Dubinin. Don’t you dare. Don’t you fucking dare…” She thrashed her arms, trying to yank free.
“I brought you to neutral ground where you’ll be safe.”
“Emil!”
I stepped back once more. “I’ve had enough.”
“Enough?” She growled. “That’s it? You decide you’ve had enough of me and that’s it?”
I nodded.
It can’t be love.
It’s not.
“I’ve had enough fun entertaining you. And myself.” I added a shrug to look indifferent about walking away. “I can’t kill you. I mean, I don’t want to kill you—”
“Fuck you,” she snarled, still fighting to get free.
“But I can’t keep you, either.”
She went still, as if the slight idea of my wanting her for good was something that could stun her.
“You’re too passionate about your job. You won’t give it up. You can’t. It’s part of your mission, like you said, to make the world a better place. And truly, I admire that.” I stepped back again. “I could claim the same thing myself, wishing to do my part in removing the rotten parts of society.”
“Emil, don’t do this. Not like this.”
“It has to be like this, my little agent—”
“Don’t call me that.” She growled, gritting her teeth.
“But you are. You are an agent. And I’m… me.” I shrugged again. “You can’t fit in with me. With my world. You wouldn’t want to.”
“Emil, don’t leave me like this.” She stared at me with frustration and something else I didn’t want to interpret. Something harsher, like pain.
“Too late.” I reached for the door and opened it. “I’m already gone.”
Before I could give her another chance to speak, I exited and closed the door.
Waiting for a moment, I closed my eyes and paused at the door.
“It’s not love,” I reminded myself one last time. “It can’t be.”
Because if she were the one I was supposed to love, I was making the biggest mistake of my life as I turned and walked away.
Setting her up like this couldn’t be a mistake.
I stood by every word of my short speech.
She didn’t belong in my world, and she’d never give up hers.
That made us incompatible, and I refused to believe that I would be fated to love someone who wouldn’t adapt.
Without a look back, I left the hotel and strolled down the sidewalk, sweating under the tropical sun.
I pulled my phone out and called Simon.
“Yes,” he greeted dully, as if he literally could read my mind, “I’ve wiped your trail. And hers.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
“Need anything else, Boss?” he asked.
Sure. How about some advice to completely forget about Agent Sadie Langer ever being in my life?
“No.”
I hung up and headed home, feeling empty but stubborn to deny that I couldn’t be whole again.