CHAPTER 39
DAISY
The breath leaves my lungs in a rush as the front door closes behind Killian, the sound resembling the final nail being secured in the coffin I’ve found myself in.
And here I thought him hating me when I returned out of the blue after skipping town on him years ago was the worst thing that could possibly happen.
Boy, was I wrong.
I thought I was imagining things when I heard his voice from the kitchen. I thought my mind was so fucked up that I had started hearing things that weren’t really there. It freaked me out so much that I flew into the living room to join Reign on the floor just so I wasn’t alone.
And then I heard it again.
When I found him standing in the doorway, his eyes already locked on me, hope had bloomed in my chest for the briefest of seconds before his blatant indifference became obvious.
That’s the scariest part.
If I had seen hate, or even anger, in his eyes, I could have held onto that. We could’ve come back from that. But there was… nothing.
He looked at me like he didn’t even know me.
Like he didn’t know every inch of my body.
Intimately.
And that is the most devastating part of this entire thing. Because once upon a time, he was my sun, and I was his angel.
Now we’re just Killian and Daisy.
Two strangers with a lot of history.
“Are you sure this is okay?” The tall, thin boy standing in the doorway nervously asks Savannah.
“Absolutely. They seem to be getting on just fine.” Savannah points at the two girls playing on the floor next to me. “Reign could do with having a friend to have over.”
The boy smiles at her, his cheeks tinged with warmth. Aw, looks like he’s got his first crush.
He clears his throat, clutching the back of his neck. “Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this helps me.”
Savannah places a reassuring hand on his shoulder, and he blinks at her with hearts in his eyes.
Poor kid.
“You don’t need to thank me, Jaxon. Now go on.” She ushers him to the door. “Killian is waiting outside for you. I’ll take care of Juliet.”
He thanks her once again and I observe the boy with new eyes after learning his name.
Jaxon.
The employee Killian told me about.
I look back at the little girl playing with Reign and my heart clenches as realisation dawns on me.
His little sister. The one he looks after because his mom is too drunk or high to do it herself.
And she’s so incredibly small.
She can’t be any older than two.
I can’t stop the tears that spring to my eyes as I examine her small form from head to toe.
Her chestnut brown hair is wild and tangled.
The long sleeve t-shirt she’s wearing falls somewhere between her wrists and her elbows, clearly too small for her.
Her leggings are much the same, not quite reaching her ankles like they should.
And the tiny, pink sneakers she has on have a hole forming just above the toe.
She doesn’t even have socks on.
My God.
Savannah comes walking back into the living room and my tear-filled eyes find hers. She nudges her chin over her shoulder, and I stand from the floor, following her back into the kitchen.
She braces her hands on the counter, her head dipping low between her shoulders, quiet sniffles coming from her.
“How old is she?” I ask, keeping my voice low.
“She’s three,” she replies quietly.
I look back at the girls, my heart crumbling. “Jesus Christ, Savannah.”
“I know,” she whispers, her own tears forming. She shakes her head. “How can a mother do that to a child?”
“I don’t know.”
Savannah begins to pace. “Someone needs to call social services on that woman. Or child protective services, whatever it is you call it here. Someone needs to call them. Did you see the boy?” She stops pacing to stare at me, her eyes wild and distraught.
“He’s a child. A fucking child, Daisy. He shouldn’t be looking after a three-year-old.
Did you see him? He looked hungry. And tired.
Who are their parents? Where are their parents? ”
“I don’t know,” I answer again, watching my friend spiral before my very eyes.
“I’m going to find out.” She pauses. “But first, I’m going to find some of Reigns old clothes and redress that little girl. And then I’m going to cook dinner for them. Yep. I’ll do that first and then I will find out who they are.”
I take a step forward and place a hand on her shoulder, halting her erratic movements. “Sav, stop.”
“I can’t. Did you not see the state of them?” She gestures wildly to the door.
“Yes,” I say in a calm tone despite the storm of emotions eating me up on the inside. “But you need to calm down. You can’t go out there like this. And you can’t go storming into their lives all guns blazing without knowing more about them first.”
She nods, her breathing slowing a touch. “Yeah. Yeah, you’re right.” One fat tear rolls down her cheek. “He’s so young, Daisy.”
“I think Killian told me he’s around nineteen, maybe twenty, I can’t remember.
He isn’t as young as he looks, but I do agree that he shouldn’t have that kind of responsibility on his shoulders.
So how about you go and find some of Reigns old clothes and I will keep them occupied.
And when you’re done, we will talk more.
I’m not needed up at the barn for a while, so I have time. ”
Savannah lets out a long breath. “Okay.”
When she leaves the room, I walk over to the sink, pour myself a glass of water and chug the whole thing in one as I attempt to calm my racing heart and find some semblance of composure before I go back to the kids.
The slight shake in my hand betrays me and I take a seat at the island, giving myself a minute.
I made peace with the fact that I will never get the opportunity to have children of my own a long time ago.
That I’ll never experience the joy of seeing a positive pregnancy test or get to watch my stomach grow with new life.
To have those special moment where we share our news with our respective families.
Plan gender reveals, and baby showers. I’ll never hold a tiny onesie to my swollen belly and try to imagine what my baby will look like wearing it.
It took a long time to come to terms with that fact, but I accepted it.
But every now and then, something happens.
I will be in the supermarket and see a couple in the baby aisle, holding up a pair of tiny, pink pyjamas.
A woman grabbing different brands of pregnancy tests off the shelves and adding them to her basket while trying to be inconspicuous about it.
I’ll see a mother and father laughing as they swing their little boy between them as they walk through town.
And every single time, another piece of my heart will break, my eyes will well, and I will ask, why me?
Why did it have to be me?
Why don’t I deserve to have that?
Why did my body have to fail me?
And then there are moments like today. When I look at a child like Juliet. A boy like Jaxon. And I see two products of a woman who didn’t deserve to have children.
And all I see is rage.
I feel betrayal.
Because I never would have treated my child that way.
But the universe decided I didn’t deserve the opportunity to prove that.
In what fucked up reality is it okay to allow a woman, or a man, to reproduce just to abandon? To bring life into the world, but not nurture it? To cause an innocent human being – that they created – so much pain and suffering?
Where is the fucking logic in that?
The justice?
How is that fair?
But that’s another thing I’ve learned in the years since finding out I will never be a mother.
Life.
Isn’t.
Fair.
And there is not a god damn thing any of us can do about that.
The other sad reality is, there are so many other men and women out there just like me.
It’s almost taboo. Losing a baby or suffering with infertility is something not many people feel comfortable talking about.
We’re supposed to suffer in silence to keep everyone else happy.
So many sisters, brothers, cousins, best friends; smiling and celebrating when their loved ones announce their pregnancy while dying on the inside, the same question echoing in their mind.
Why me?
***
Once Savannah finished loading up bags of clothes for Juliet, even throwing in a few of Hunter’s old clothes for Jaxon, she retreated to the kitchen where she filled Tupperware boxes with enough food to last at least a week.
She even took it upon herself to call Hunter and tell him I won’t be returning to work today because I’m needed for something more important, and because that man is so head over heels in love with his fiancée, he didn’t even question it.
If I’m completely honest, I’m glad she called him. After seeing Killian, watching Savannah have a melt down and then having my own mental crisis, I wasn’t in the right headspace to work on livestock today.
Now the four of us are loaded into my car and on the way to the play area in the park in town.
We stop by Bella’s first, grabbing a coffee for me, because I haven’t slept much lately, and hot chocolate for Savannah and the girls.
“Have you heard from Liv lately?” I ask Savannah as I park in one of the bays by the play area. “The house is so quiet without her.”
Savannah blows on her hot chocolate. “Yeah. She’ll be home in three days.”
“Did she say anything about Grayson?”
She opens her car door and climbs out with grunt. I follow suit. “No. But I can’t imagine she will let him off lightly. She’s very stubborn.”
“I kind of noticed that. Do you think she’ll forgive him?”
Savannah opens the door for Reign, reaching in to unbuckle her and I do the same for Juliet. “Yeah. I think she will eventually. She’ll make him work for it, though.”
I chuckle. “As she should.”
I offer my hand to Juliet, and she peers up at me, her dark blue eyes weary as she chews on her fingers. I smile down at her softly and wait for her to decide whether she trusts me or not.
After a few seconds, she places her small hand in mine and I lead us toward the park, feeling like I’ve accomplished something monumental in gaining this little girls trust.
“Do you think you and Killian will sort things out?” Savannah asks, watching me. “I saw the way he looked at you earlier.”
I sigh at the reminder. “I don’t know. I have so much I still need to say. Right now, I’m just the girl who broke his heart, kept my pregnancy a secret and then deprived him of the chance to grieve. But there’s more to it than that.”
Savannah is quiet for a long time as she stares off in thought. Reign tugs her hand out of her moms and skips over to Juliet. “Do you want to play on the slide with me?” She asks.
I watch Juliet as she looks up at me, almost searching for permission and when I nod, she uses her timid voice to say, “yes.”
The two of them take off running into the play area and Savannah and I find a bench to sit on.
“My mum once told me that sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives, put us on the path to the best thing that will ever happen to us,” Savannah says, gaining my attention as she watches the two girls playing on the slide.
I keep my eyes trained on the side of her face as she talks.
“When I found out I was pregnant with Reign, I was twenty. I was alone, isolated and absolutely terrified. I kept it to myself because her father was abusive, and I needed a gameplan to get out of there. But also, I kept it a secret because I wasn’t sure if I was ready to bring a baby into a life so full of cruelty. ” She takes my hand in hers.
“I don’t know if this is the right thing to say to you because our stories are in no way the same, but I didn’t tell my family, or Liv, that I was having a baby because I didn’t know if I was going to keep her.
And I knew that even if I did keep her, there was a very good chance I would lose her anyway.
I wanted to shield them from the pain of that loss if that happened.
So, I understand why you did it, Daisy.”
Tears burn my eyes as I listen to her, a thick lump of emotion clogging my throat.
“You wanted to shield Killian from the pain of the what if.”
I nod, my chin wobbling. “Yeah. But it’s so much more than that. When I realised, I was losing the baby, I was afraid and heartbroken. But I still planned to tell him. And then I woke up in the hospital, and I had this stranger telling me all of these things that I didn’t understand.”
I suck in a breath as my emotions topple over the edge, spilling down my cheeks. “There were complications after the surgery…”
Savannah squeezes my hand, cutting me off as I choke on a sob. “Daisy, you don’t need to explain yourself to me. I am here for you no matter what, okay?”
I nod, unable to find my voice as I openly cry in public.
Savannah puts an arm around me and pulls me into a hug, her hand smoothing over my back in a comforting gesture as I sniffle into her shoulder.
“You’re gonna be okay,” she reassures against my ear, and I close my eyes.
God, I really hope so.