Chapter 37
Chapter Thirty-Seven
RONAN
The morning sun burns my eyes as I peel them open, my head pounding so badly it feels like someone took a hammer to it.
I barely slept last night, my mind too loud to do much more than drift in and out of restless dreams that were plagued by Ciara.
I was so tempted to drive straight to Mila’s the moment I climbed into my car at JFK, but I didn’t want to give Ciara another reason to push me away.
If space is what she needs right now to process what I told her about her father, then so be it.
But the timer is ticking, and at some point, she’s going to have to face me again, and when that time comes, I’m going to make sure to get on my fucking knees and beg for her forgiveness, even though I don’t deserve it.
For her, I’m willing to swallow my pride if it means getting her back because somewhere along the way, she’s become so much more than just my wife on paper.
I rub a hand over my face as I try not to focus on how quiet the house is without her.
Even my bed still smells faintly like her perfume, vanilla and something floral, and I hate that I crave that scent. That I crave her.
I reach across the nightstand for my phone to check it again. It’s been quiet all night, but that doesn’t stop me from opening up the text thread with Ciara.
Me
Can we talk?
Ciara, please call me.
I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you.
Let me make this right. Please come home so we can talk.
I miss you, Tine Bhaeg.
“You’re a fucking idiot…” I shut my phone off and collapse against the pillows.
I don’t know how long I lie in bed, staring at the ceiling. But the sound of tires crunching over gravel snaps me out of my spiraling thoughts, and I jump out of bed.
Ciara?
Maybe she’s changed her mind and decided to hear me out, or maybe she just wants an opportunity to yell at me in person.
I cross to the window and catch sight of Cormac climbing out of a black SUV rental.
I ball my hands into fists and fight the urge to put them through the window.
Of course, Ciara hasn’t come back.
Why would she, when I’ve taken every opportunity to push her away?
I throw on a pair of black sweatpants and a t-shirt and jog downstairs just as Cormac is letting himself in.
“Ever heard of knocking? I could have been fucking my wife.”
Cormac shuts the door behind him. “That’s pretty hard to do when your wife isn’t here.”
My fists clench at my sides. “How do you know she’s not here?”
He raises his eyebrows at me as he folds his arms over his chest. “Because when she left Callum’s place yesterday with some girl, she looked…”
“She looked…?”
“Well…devastated. What the hell happened?”
I clench my jaw as guilt weighs heavily on my chest.
Every instinct screams at me to drive over to Mila’s and put things right with Ciara. I hate that she’s so upset, but she also has every right to be. After all, I shattered the memory of the man she idolized.
I stare at my brother. “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to go through some more of Da’s things, if that’s all right.”
“Of course.” I nod toward the office. “Most of it’s in there, so knock yourself out.”
Cormac dips his chin and makes to move, but pauses and glances over his shoulder at me. “How have you been holding up?”
A bitter laugh escapes me as I descend the remaining stairs and stroll past my brother, toward the kitchen. “I’m just peachy.”
Cormac follows me and leans against the counter. “What the hell happened with Ciara?”
“Nothing.” I turn on the espresso machine and start grinding some fresh beans.
“Sure as hell didn’t look like nothing.”
“I fucked up, okay? I told Ciara the truth about her father, and now she won’t talk to me.”
“Jesus, Ronan.”
“I know.”
“Why the hell would you tell her that?”
I don’t answer, at least not until my coffee has finished brewing, and I take a seat at the island. “Because I couldn’t stand to lie to her anymore.”
“You didn’t lie. You just…”
“Didn’t tell her the truth. Same difference.” I take a sip of my coffee, letting the bitterness coat my tongue. “Every time I looked at her, all I could think was, what happens when she finds out from someone else? What happens if she hears it from Callum or worse, from the fucking press?”
Cormac runs a hand through his hair. “Shit.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, what did she say?”
“Nothing. She hung up the phone and got on a flight back to New York.”
“Hung up the…? Fuck. Why the hell did you tell it over the phone?”
“Because she had left for the airport after I returned from abandoning her at the restaurant.”
Cormac’s answering silence only makes me feel worse.
I managed to pile a fuck up on top of another fuck up on top of another fuck up. I really am a bastard. No wonder she left me.
He sighs. “Do you think she’ll come around?”
“I honestly don’t know. She’s not wrong to be pissed. I dropped a fucking grenade into her life, so it’s only natural that she needs some time to process.”
“She deserved to know. Even if it hurt her.”
I glance at him. “You believe that?”
“I do now. Secrets always come out in the end.”
I frown at my brother’s cryptic comment, but I don’t push him on it. It’s clear from the look on his face that his thoughts are spinning just as much as mine.
His eyes go to someplace distant. “I’ve been thinking a lot about Da lately, about how little I actually knew about him.”
“You and me both.”
“Did we just ignore the signs? I mean, these payments have been here the entire time, but now the secret calls to Callum as well? It doesn’t add up.”
“Dad gave me no reason not to trust him.”
“I’m sure Ciara said the same about her father.”
I frown. “That’s completely different.”
“Not in the sense that we have no idea who he is.”
“I knew him, Cormac.”
“You sure about that? Because as I see it, Ciara will tell you the same thing about her da.”
My lack of sleep combined with Cormac’s comments is putting me in a foul mood.
“What are you trying to do here? Are you just looking for a reason to hate our father, is that it?”
Cormac grips the edge of the marble countertop, his knuckles turning white, as he gazes out of the French windows at the sprawling grounds beyond.
“I guess I just want to figure out the whole truth, of why the hell he needs me back in New York now that he’s gone. All he ever cared about was you. None of us ever mattered to him. So, to me, it makes no sense.”
“He was a still family man. He wants his sons together.”
“Wonder if he cared what we wanted? Because it sure as hell wasn’t this.”
“Is it really so awful to consider coming back?”
Cormac doesn’t answer.
I pat him in the back. “Go through his things if it will make you feel better. But don’t be surprised if you don’t find anything.”
“Thanks. Oh, and, Ronan?”
“What?”
“You sure you’re okay?”
I shake my head. “Not even a little bit.”
He chuckles dryly. “Yeah, that makes sense.” There’s a beat of silence. “You love her, don’t you?”
“Why do you say that?”
“It’s written all over your face, brother.”
Before I can respond, the sound of the front door opening catches my attention.
Cormac frowns. “Were you expecting someone?”
I open my mouth to tell him no just as Ciara strolls into the kitchen.
Cormac instantly straightens, surprise flickering in his eyes at the sight of my wife in my own damn house. “Ciara.”
She doesn’t acknowledge him. Her eyes are solely focused on me, and they are furious.
My chest tightens at the sight of her.
She looks pale and exhausted, with deep purple shadows under her eyes. Her blonde hair is loose around her shoulders, and she’s wearing an old college sweatshirt over a pair of leggings.
I can’t deny, even now, she’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
She crosses her arms over her chest. “I’m not staying long.”
I push back the bar stool and get to my feet. “You came back.”
“Don’t flatter yourself. I came back for answers.”
Her voice is like ice, and it cuts deeper than I care to admit.
Even when she was pissed at me before, there was always some hint of that softness in her face, in her eyes. But now, the way she’s looking at me makes it feel like we’re strangers.
Cormac pushes off the counter and strolls to the door. “I’ll give you two a minute.”
Ciara doesn’t even glance at him as he leaves, but my brother offers me a sympathetic look before disappearing out of sight and leaving me alone with my wife.
I want to run to her, to pull her into my arms and hold her against my chest, but there’s a solid wall around her, and I’m not sure if my words will be enough to break through it.
I tuck my hands into my pockets to stop myself from reaching for her. “I’m sorry. For how it happened. For leaving you at the restaurant. For…everything.”
“I don’t want apologies, Ronan. I want to know why the hell you thought you had the right to decide what I knew about my own father.”
“I was trying to protect you.”
“Bullshit. You don’t get to make that call. You kept me in the dark while I mourned a man who sold girls into sex slavery.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Ciara.”
“It’s a little too late for that.” She takes a step toward me, her voice cracking. “Do you have any idea what it feels like to love someone so deeply and find out they were a monster? To realize every memory you treasured of them was built on a lie?”
I keep my mouth shut because the truth is I have no idea how she is feeling.
My father might have kept secrets from me, but I know in my gut they are nothing compared to what Ryan McCarthy did.
“Why did you come back if you didn't want an apology?”
“Because I made a promise.”
“To whom?”
“I made a promise that I’d restore my family legacy, and I have every intention of doing that.”
“So, it has nothing to do with me?”
“No.”
My heart breaks, the pain almost crushes me. “I can’t accept that, Ciara. We’re married. We need to work through this, together.”
“Says the man who literally abandoned me in a restaurant! You didn’t seem to give a shit about working through things together then!”
There she is.
I keep my mouth shut as Ciara unleashes her anger on me, and I take every insult, every slicing word, not because I don’t want to fight back, but because I know this is what she needs in order to heal.