Chapter Eight #2
She trailed off.
I was getting worried. My normally rock-solid grandmother was crumbling right in front of me, and I had no idea how to help her. She wouldn’t let me.
“Have you rested? Have you had more than just palm oil and coconut water? That’s not enough, Nana.”
Nana Ama had never been a big eater. She was always so picky and careful because whatever she had could affect her gifts. Still, she needed to eat, and I was positive she wasn’t doing what she needed to do for herself.
She was quiet for what seemed like an eternity. She finally moved, holding her hands out at me, palms down, as if I should take them. I placed mine just beneath hers, not touching, an inch of space between our hovering hands.
“I’ve been staying in on the Isle for longer than I normally do, tending to it, and perhaps I have tired myself and need to rest and replenish. But what you think you heard … Addae…”
The air in the space between our palms began to stir, the energy emanating from the Isle accumulating there, taking up space, becoming as physical and solid as Nana and I were.
Her eyes settled on our hands and the growing heat between them, the low hum that sounded like insects and electricity buzzing.
The space began to brighten as Light formed. Nana’s Light coming from her to me.
“Didn’t come to me. Came to you.” She sounded wistful.
“Through me. After so long? Could it be you’re to have visions?
” The energy surged between our hands, growing warmer.
My hands trembled from the intensity of it.
I had to hold on, a little longer. Maybe this was it, without the big ceremony or any pomp and circumstance.
Maybe now I’d finally Light and get my gifts full force, not all these bits and pieces like scattered thoughts and warning signals of if a person was for real or not.
If something was safe or not. All these things switched on and off without rhyme or reason.
I couldn’t control them. But maybe now. Maybe this was it and I’d finally be able to control what had been our family’s legacy.
“Tell me what it means,” I said. “I am ready.”
My hands were shaking now. Nana widened the gap between us, creating more space, becoming denser. On her wrists, the cuffs gleamed.
“Try it now,” she said, hope edging in. The energy was so heavy, too heavy, like a megaton ball I couldn’t hold. “Take the Light. Accept it fully. Receive it.”
I hesitated for a moment, fear beating back every other emotion.
Do it here? Where anyone could walk up on us?
And once I Lighted, accepted the heaven-given gifts Nana’s been waiting for me to have, who would I be?
Still me? Or someone entirely different?
Sometimes I didn’t want to assume the responsibility of the Golden Isle when Nana Ama stepped down.
Sometimes I didn’t want the few gifts I had …
sensing people’s emotions, which could get so loud I could lose myself; the little bit of energy I could muster up to heal—as spotty as it is; the sight; knowing once I Lighted and assumed the full scope of my legacy and all that came with it.
Would I be able to handle that? Did I even want it?
How could I lead people if I couldn’t even lead myself to make the right decisions? The responsibility was too much. The weight was too much. All of it was just too much.
“Addae,” she sighed disappointedly. “Another time.”
I couldn’t accept another defeat, not when victory was right there. At my fingertips. Everything I’d been asking for, waiting for since I hit puberty. All I had to do was grab ahold and accept it.
But we always had a choice of what we’d become and the cross we had to bear.
And just like that, the heat, the Light, the energy between and around us dissipated, leaving me with nothing but a sense of loss and rejection.
My grandmother’s shoulders sagged as she drew her hands from me. “You are not ready.”
“I am,” I shot back. At least, I thought I was. I wanted it. I was supposed to want it.
She looked at me, pitying.
I swallowed, feeling like I was being kicked when I was already down, and by the person who I needed the most acceptance from. “Well, maybe I…”
“Do you want to know why your gifts won’t be fully realized?
Why you can’t Light? It’s because you haven’t chosen it.
You cannot obtain what you cannot accept.
The Light only comes when it’s truly and wholeheartedly accepted—the good it brings and the bad, because with these gifts you will have the power to heal as I do, or to cause great harm.
” I had no idea what she meant. I’d never seen Nana cause anyone harm.
Not really. She sighed tiredly. “Go home, child. Perhaps it is not to be your calling, and that is okay. Perhaps you are meant for something else.”
“Grandma,” I whispered, devastated that I had disappointed her once again. I knew how high the stakes were. I am Nana Ama’s only descendant. The protection of this island and the Kinfolk on it depended on me.
For the past six years I had tried to Light, and each failure was worse than the last. I was her only direct descendant left, the only one who could carry on her legacy from our ancestors.
But I couldn’t do it. Or, it wouldn’t come. Maybe there was something wrong with my body or my mind, or maybe I was just born weak. Or maybe, I just wasn’t worthy of it. No matter the reason, not being able to fulfill my birthright filled me with immense shame.
I wished she would rage and rant rather than look at me the way she was through watery eyes, like I had crushed all of her hopes and dreams. In this moment, my grandmother, who always appeared ageless, looked every bit of her years as she realized that maybe her only grandchild would be just that and nothing more.