Chapter 16
Mia
So, this is what death feels like. Nothing. I can’t move or open my eyes. I’m just floating around in darkness. Well, this is unexpected. Not that I had thought much about what happens after I die, but I either though it would be completely nothing, where I couldn’t hear myself think, or there would be something—anything. Other people who had also passed, maybe. I’d considered that I might end up in hell, given all the terror I had been involved with in my life. Maybe this is hell. A life of loneliness. At least it is peaceful.
I can’t hear anything other than the voice in my head. No, wait, I do hear something. Is that someone talking? It’s muffled. No, it’s gone.
There it is again. It is definitely a voice. I can’t quite make out what it’s saying, though.
I’m feeling different now. I can feel, which is different. Everything is heavy, and I can feel my arms. I can’t move them, but I definitely feel them now.
I’m starting to feel my body. Maybe I’m not dead. Maybe I’m asleep.
Yes, it’s definitely voices I can hear.
“Arianna? I think she’s waking up.”
Arianna—do I recognise that name? My eyes feel lighter. I can open them. It’s blurry, but I can see the silhouettes of two people. Panic sets in as I try to talk, but I choke. There’s something in my throat. Gasping for breath, I try and lift my arms to remove what is restricting me. But my arms won’t move.
“Just relax, Arianna. You are safe in hospital. There is a tube in your mouth to help you breathe. I’m going to give you something to relax you. When you wake again, you will feel much better.”
A second later I am back in the darkness.
When I wake again, I’m not sure I would say I feel better. I’m no longer choking, which I am thankful for, but my throat is excruciating. Swallowing is difficult, and my mouth is dry and sore. My eyes roam the area around me. I’m in a small room, lying in a bed.
There is a man sitting at my side. As I turn to look at him, I feel the pressure of something covering my face. This time I manage to lift one of my arms up in front of me. Bandages weigh heavy, covering my hand to my elbow. Someone else enters the room. A doctor I presume from the way he is dressed.
“Arianna, it is good to see you awake. I’m Doctor Clarke. I’m one of your consultants. Would it be okay if we had a little chat?” He pulls a seat up to the side of my bed. “Firstly, I just want to make you aware that you are in the hospital, we are taking very good care of you, and you are doing remarkably well. Your husband is here, and you have no need to worry.” The doctor gestures to the man sitting at the other side of my bed.
I have no recollection of this man whatsoever. When I try and speak, no words come out. All I can do is cough. The pain I feel throughout my body when my chest heaves for air is crippling.
“Arianna, please relax and don’t try and talk just yet. I’m going to hold your hand, and I want you to squeeze it once for yes and twice for no.” The doctor takes my hand gently in his. “Do you understand?”
I squeeze his hand.
“Yes, good job, Arianna. Two weeks ago, you were involved in a very serious accident. Do you remember the accident?”
I think for a moment. Nothing. I know I should remember; I know I have memories. It’s like they are in a locked cabinet, and I just can’t turn the key far enough to release them. I squeeze his hand twice.
“No. That’s perfectly understandable, Arianna. You have suffered a serious head injury, and it will take time to recover. But I assure you, I will do everything I can to help you get back to yourself.”
My breath catches, and an emotional cry releases from my lips.
“During the accident, you sustained many bone fractures and second and third degree burns to your face, chest, and limbs. When you were brought into the hospital, we felt it was best to place you in an induced coma in order to let your brain get the rest it needed and have the greatest chance of recovery. During the past few weeks, we have performed multiple skin graft procedures, which involved shaving a thin layer of healthy skin and covering the damaged areas with it. I’m pleased to say these operations were very successful, and we expect minimal scarring. But Arianna, you have a long road of recovery ahead of you.”
The doctor continues to talk, but my mind is elsewhere. It’s too much to comprehend. I’m frustrated I can’t remember anything. I feel trapped in my own body. I want to rip myself out of my skin and run free. But I can’t.
“I’m going to leave you now to get some rest, as you’ve had a lot to take in.”
The doctor lets go of my hand and asks the man who I’m told is my husband to join him outside the room.
As they leave, a nurse enters.
“Arianna, it’s lovely to see you awake. My name is Donna. I’m one of your nurses.” She takes hold of my hand. Her hand is warm, and her eyes are comforting. “Now, are you in any pain, Arianna? Squeeze once for yes, twice for no.”
I squeeze her hand. I’m so uncomfortable.
“I thought so. Right, I’m going to give you some pain relief through your IV. Then in about ten minutes, once the medication has started to work, I’m going to change your dressings. Is that ok with you?”
I squeeze her hand.
Donna is one of those people you can’t help but like. She has a beautiful smile and is kind and caring. When she removes the dressings and cleans my wounds, she is gentle and constantly checks how I am feeling. She assures me I won’t be left with too much scarring and that the surgeons have done an incredible job.
“You are so beautiful, Arianna,” Donna compliments as she treats the skin on my face. “How about a drink of water? Would you like to try having a drink?”
As soon as she takes hold of my hand for me to answer, I squeeze it tightly. My mouth is dry as a bone.
Donna giggles at my response. “I take it that’s a yes. I will be right back.”
Donna leaves the room, and the man who is my husband returns. He walks over to my bedside and takes hold of my hand. His face is full of concern.
“Do you know who I am?” he asks.
I squeeze his hand twice.
“Do you remember anything from your life before your accident?”
I squeeze his hand twice again.
He remains silent for a moment, staring at my face. “I am your husband. My name is Eric. We love each other very much, and we are going to have a happy life together.”
I feel as though he is talking to himself as much as to me. I suppose this must be very hard on him too. The fact that I can’t remember who he is must break his heart. Eric is of a medium build. He has green eyes and reddish-brown hair. I wouldn’t say he is an attractive man, more average. When I look at him, I feel no comfort. I know I don’t remember him, but even looking at my nurse Donna, I felt something. With him, I feel nothing.
Donna returns with a jug of water and glass.
“Ahh, you must be so relieved to see her awake, Eric!” Donna beams as she looks between us.
Eric drops my hand and sits beside me. “She doesn’t know who I am,” he explains.
“Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure Arianna will remember you soon. Why don’t you bring some photographs of the two of you on your wedding day or holidays. It may help jog her memory,” Donna suggests while raising my bed so I’m in a more upright position.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea. It might upset her,” Eric disagrees.
“Whatever you think, Eric. You know Arianna best. Now let’s get some water in you.”
Donna puts the glass of water to my lips, and I gulp it down in one. It’s the most delicious water I have ever tasted.
“Well done, Arianna. Maybe later we will try something to eat, then we can take that feeding tube out of your nose, which will make you more comfortable. Now you get some rest.” Donna lays me back down and dims the lights a little.
I do feel exhausted, and it’s not long before I’m fast asleep.
My mind unfortunately doesn’t rest. I have nightmare after nightmare. It’s dark. I’m running away from something terrifying. The sound of harrowing screams fills my ears. I feel burning pain. Thick smoke fills my lungs, and I’m choaking.
I wake, gasping for air. There’s a lady stood beside my bed, petting my hand.
“It’s okay, it’s okay.” She smiles sympathetically. “Just a dream.”
The small grey-haired lady puts me at ease, and I relax a little.
“I’m Elena. I’m your nurse in the evening. I get the pleasure of the night shift.” She chuckles sweetly to herself. “I’ve been waiting to see those big brown eyes for weeks. They are just as lovely as I expected. So beautiful. Such shiny dark hair and olive skin. Unusual for an English girl. You remind me of my daughter.” Elena speaks with an accent.
“Her dad was Italian,” Eric chips in from the corner of the room.
I hadn’t realised he was there.
“Ahh, meravigliosa, meravigliosa!” Wonderful, wonderful! Elena claps her hands excitedly. “Da dove vieni in Italia?” Where in Italy are you from?
“ She doesn’t speak Italian,” Eric interrupts .
I reply, “Mi dispiace di non ricordare.” I'm sorry, I don’t remember. I’m surprised by my sudden ability to talk, albeit with only a croak of a voice.
“I meant she doesn’t like to speak Italian. Please speak to her in English,” Eric says when he gets a funny look from Elena.
“Okay, please forgive me.” She frowns, seeming displeased by Eric. “I’m also Italian. Such a beautiful country. I moved here with my family twenty years ago—” Elena is interrupted by Eric grunting in the corner. Clearly sensing his frustration, she changes the subject. “Right then, Arianna, let’s get you another drink, and then we will get you something to eat.”
After taking a drink, I’m feeling more awake and a little hungry.
“Now, on your notes, it’s doesn’t say anything about any allergies. Are there definitely no intolerances I need to be aware of, Eric?” Elena asks.
Eric shakes his head.
“Good. How about a yogurt to start off with, Arianna?”
“Yes, please,” I whisper trying to gain control over my voice.
Eric eventually leaves to go home and rest, which I am thankful for. I know he cares about me, but I feel uncomfortable with him sat staring at me all day. Elena takes good care of me through the night. I’m given some more pain relief, and thankfully I have a good sleep without being interrupted by nightmares. In the morning the doctor comes to see me.
“Good morning, Arianna, Eric. I’ve come to discuss a few things with you.” The doctor takes a seat beside me, and Eric does the same. “Now when you came into hospital, we did some blood tests, something we do with all our patients being admitted. We test for things like blood type, as we didn’t have yours on record, antibodies, infection levels, things like that. However, one thing that came up in your bloods, your husband wasn’t aware of,” the doctor explains, and his voice slows, making me worry. “You are in fact pregnant, Arianna.”
The information hits me like a ton of bricks. How can this be happening to me? I look at Eric, who seems quite happy with the revelation.
“Your HCG levels are high and have stayed so, indicating you are around eight to twelve weeks. We will be able to confirm that with an ultrasound. But...”
I don’t like the sound of that "but". I can’t say I’m happy with any of this—however, I couldn’t face something else being wrong.
“During your accident you sustained a number of extensive injuries that could have impacted the pregnancy. We then have given you multiple medications, and you’ve been through many medical procedures, which again could have affected the baby. Your bloods do give us some hope, but I need you to keep an open mind, Arianna, and you, too, Eric. We need to take each day as it comes.”
Wow, I can’t even put into words how I feel. I’m stunned into silence, so frustrated this is even my life. I feel like I’m trapped.
The doctor makes arrangements for me to have a scan this morning. I’m pleased I don’t have to wait long. The porters arrive to take me to the maternity unit to have a scan. The nurses unclip my IV medication and fluids and attach them to the bed for transportation. The porters release the brakes on my bed and wheel me down the bright corridors. The florescent ceiling lights have me closing my eyes. It takes about five minutes to reach the unit after a lift ride and many swinging doors. I’m taken into a dark room, which pleases my eyes. Around me are ultrasound machines with screens and coloured flashing lights. Eric appears and stands at my side, looking concerned.
Eric tries to comfort me. “Don’t worry, it will be okay.”
But it has no effect. To be honest, I’m not really feeling anything emotionally. Just pain from my injuries and frustration at my lack of control.
“Hello, Arianna, I’m Sally, and I’m going to be performing your ultrasound today.”
“Hello, Sally,” I say, my voice becoming much clearer.
Sally sits beside me on a high stool and pulls a machine along with her. “I just need to raise your gown so I can get to your abdomen.” Sally pulls my bed sheet down to my hips and lifts my gown, exposing my stomach, which still has visible bruising. “I’ll be gentle.” She smiles sympathetically.
After rubbing gel onto my stomach, she places the scanner on my skin. Slowly and gently, she moves it from side to side. Lying there staring at the ceiling, I try again to remember something. Anything will do. A tiny memory about my life before the accident. But nothing. Why can’t I remember?
“Just try to relax.” Sally speaks to me softly, clearly noticing me tensing my body. “I’ve almost finished with my checks, then I’ll turn the screen and show you your baby.”
My what now? I know that’s what I’m having the scan for, but it really hadn’t registered. Although I hoped nothing would be wrong, I hadn’t thought about what that actually meant. For nothing else to be wrong, it means I am having a baby—me. Who is me ? How can I look after a baby when I can’t even remember who I am.
“Here we are,” Sally says as she turns the screen towards me and Eric. “Baby is measuring about ten weeks. Everything looks perfectly normal for this stage. You both must be so relieved.” Sally beams at us.
I look at Eric, who has a smile that reaches both ears. He’s nodding in agreement.
“Yes, so relieved,” Eric replies, then asks Sally questions, like when will know if it’s a boy or a girl, can she tell if it’s been hurt during my accident, and so on.
But I switch off. I can’t even think about a baby right now.