Chapter Twenty-OneFischer
Chapter Twenty-One
Fischer
I am an idiot. Even after Micah storms off, I sit in my chair and ignore the glares the waitress gives me as she serves the next table over. Why did I do that? Honestly, I don’t even know why I was so determined to argue when I’m not even sure I believe my own side anymore.
Yes, I think perfect is a dangerous construct designed to sell products and services. But I don’t think that’s what Micah is looking for. She’s not looking for a flawless individual with all the best clothes and haircuts.
She’s looking for someone who will stay by her side through thick and thin. There’s nothing wrong with that desire, so why did I work so hard to tear it down?
Kale’s words run through my head again. She’s kind of perfect for you . If even my strange hacker roommate believes in that concept, why can’t I let Micah believe in it too?
Because that’s not me. Kale said that too. I’m not even good enough for Micah, let alone perfect for her, and the work I’ll have to do to get anywhere close to that level is daunting.
Kinley from the lobby wanders over to me, her expression set in a scowl. “What did you do?” she asks, even though we technically haven’t even been introduced. I think at this point she has the right to talk to me however she’d like.
I sigh. I’m starving—I gave Grant my pickle-less lunch after he threw his in the garbage—but my food doesn’t look all that appetizing anymore. “I said some things I shouldn’t have said,” I mutter. “I was stupid.”
“Yeah, you were.” Kinley points to the front door. “That girl is the best person I know, and you’re an idiot if you’re just going to let her walk away when she’s crushing on you hard.”
I tense. “When she’s what?”
Folding her arms, Kinley seems to examine me from head to toe. “I’ve never seen her act the way she does around you. She has no idea what to do with you, and you never do what she expects.”
I frown, keenly aware of the number of people watching this exchange. “Is that a good thing or a bad thing?”
Finally, Kinley smiles. “That depends on what you do with it. Micah has always had this idea of what love is supposed to be, and I’m pretty sure she doesn’t know what to do with real feelings when they hit her in the face.”
I still don’t know if she approves of me or not, but I know I can’t keep sitting here and expecting things to be better. I wave to the waitress and point at my food. Thankfully, she understands and heads to grab me a box.
“What do I do?” I ask Kinley. I’m not opposed to begging for help if it means I can fix things before they end too soon. “If she’s expecting something specific, how am I supposed to know what it is?”
Kinley smirks at me right as the waitress hands me a box. “Oh, you don’t need to know her specifics. You need to keep surprising her. Show her what love is really like.”
My hands slow halfway through dumping my pork chops into the Styrofoam. “What if I don’t know what love is like?”
She scoffs. “You really are perfect for her, Fischer. Just keep being you because you’re driving her crazy.”
You really are perfect for her . That runs through my head over and over again as I finish scooping potatoes into the to-go container. You are perfect for her .
“I’m not sure crazy is a good thing,” I mutter and then reach for my wallet.
Kinley waves me away. “I’ve got it. Go catch her before she’s gone.”
She doesn’t have to tell me twice. I don’t deserve another chance with Micah, but I’m going to take it if she gives it to me.
Maybe one of these days I’ll stop being an idiot, though I won’t hold my breath.
I’ll just have to hope Micah is as good a person as I think she is and will be willing to teach me how to be more like her.
When I get outside, I skid to a halt as soon as I see her standing by the curb with an arm wrapped around her middle.
She looks so small. I mean, yeah, she’s not tall by any means, but her personality has always made her seem bigger.
Not right now, though. Now she’s tiny because I cut her down to nothing to protect my own ego.
“Micah.”
She startles, spinning around only long enough to see that it’s me. Then she turns back to the street without a word.
She’s probably waiting for her ride.
“Why do you never drive?”
With tense shoulders, she turns to me again. “Because I’m afraid of driving. I don’t know why.”
“Can I give you a ride?”
She has no reason to say yes. I’m pretty sure she doesn’t want to say yes. But with a glance toward the restaurant, she sighs and then nods. “Fine.”
I glance back as well, just in time to see Kinley disappear. Next time I come to La Bella, I’m giving her a massive tip because I’m pretty sure she’s the only reason I’m getting this chance.
Micah follows me to my car parked just up the street, and when I open her door for her, she gives me that look she always gets when she can’t figure me out. Okay, yeah, maybe my actions don’t exactly match my words in the restaurant, but I’ll address that. Somehow.
As soon as we’re on the road, I hand Micah my phone. She glances at it, seems to debate her options, and then takes it from me and chooses a song.
“Take a right up here,” she says as an R.E.M. song starts playing.
I resist the urge to roll my eyes. “‘Everybody Hurts’? Really?”
“It’s how I feel right now,” she mumbles.
“Micah, I’m sorry.”
“You sound really sorry.” Her words drip with sarcasm.
Yes, I’m a little gruff right now, and she’s right to be annoyed with my own annoyance.
Taking a deep breath, I hold it in my lungs for as long as I can stand before I let it out.
“I’m sorry,” I say again, and this time my words are gentler.
“Grant made today feel like one of the longest days of my life, and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.
Just because I don’t believe in love, it doesn’t mean you can’t. ”
Her eyebrows pull together as she looks over at me. “Do you really not believe in love? Uh, turn left at the light.”
I squirm in my seat, but I need to have this conversation, even if I don’t want to. “It’s hard to believe in something you’ve never seen,” I say, keeping my voice low.
“What about your parents? You said they’re still together.”
“They are. But that doesn’t mean there’s any love between them. Or ever was. Their relationship has always been more like a business deal.”
“I’m sorry.”
As I pull up to a red light, waiting to make the left turn, I look at her in confusion. “For what?”
She offers a little smile I don’t deserve. “I’m sorry no one ever showed you what love should look like. I’m sorry you haven’t had a reason to hope. I’m sorry for forgetting that not everyone sees the world the way I do.”
I can’t believe she just turned the blame back on her. “You are too good for this world,” I mutter as the light turns green. “And thank you. For letting me give you a ride. I didn’t want your Uber driver to ask you out or anything after your date stood you up.”
“It wouldn’t be the first time.”
I accidentally tap the brake and wince as Micah jolts forward into her seatbelt. I really need to figure out how to control my reactions when I’m driving. “First time being stood up or asked out by your Uber driver?”
She giggles. “Both.”
I hate everything about that. So much. “How often do you say yes?”
“Most of the time.”
“ Micah .”
This time she laughs, which hopefully means she’s no longer mad at me. “If it helps, I always tell Chad about my dates, and there’s a reason I always meet them at the restaurant and never give them my number.”
It helps a little, but it’s not necessarily making me feel any better. Seriously, how is her brother okay with her process?
“You okay there, Fischer?” She puts her hand on my arm, which means she now knows exactly how tense I am thanks to this topic of conversation.
“I watched a lot of Parks and Rec yesterday,” I say instead of answering her conversation.
“You know the part where Ben and Leslie get found out that they’re secretly dating, and Leslie goes to trial?
” The episodes leading up to that part didn’t help my anxiety levels, and despite what I claim about not believing in love, those two characters really had me questioning that because they were clearly meant to be together.
Maybe that’s why I argued so much with Micah tonight?
It feels like my whole world is changing and I don’t know how to shift my perspectives to match.
“I hate that part,” Micah says. “Although, I do love that Ben quits his job so he isn’t her boss anymore and they can date without any rules getting in the way.”
I didn’t fully understand why he would do that when I was watching yesterday, but now that I’m with Micah again, it makes more sense. If the way I feel about her is anything like the way Ben Wyatt feels about Leslie Knope, maybe it’s not as crazy as I thought.
I’m not saying Micah and I are under any sort of laws that would prevent us from dating, nor am I above her in any way. But there’s something holding me back from really accepting how I feel about her, and I’m getting sick of it.
Maybe I want to give up my goals and realign myself with her. Just like Ben did in the show.
“Take a right,” Micah says. “Then it’ll be the building on the left.”
She directs me to the right entrance, and I pull into one of the visitor spots, memorizing the location in case I am ever lucky enough to come back. She’s on the other side of town from me, but that wouldn’t stop me from making the drive over here every day if she let me.
“Do you want to come in?”
My hand slips, honking the horn right as an old woman passes in front of my car with her little dog on a leash. She startles at the same time her fluffy dog jumps into a barking frenzy, and I want to sink into my seat when the woman shouts some colorful words at me.
Breaking into a fit of giggles, Micah reaches over and pats my head. “You’re hopeless, Fischer. Are you coming in to eat dinner with me or not?”