Chapter 26 #2
“How long?” he asked.
“I would’ve waited as long as it took for you to come out.”
Pete didn’t budge. He just sighed. “What do you want, Avery?”
Avery’s eyes burned with tears. Already.
She missed him so much, but his tone was disapproving.
He was also probably creeped out, even though he’d once ambushed her outside of somewhere he knew she’d be, too.
It was arguably creepier of him to wait at her apartment building that one time. At least this was a public space.
“I just want to talk to you,” she said.
“About what? There’s nothing left to say.” He didn’t sound unkind. Just neutral. Heart-wrenchingly apathetic.
Avery didn’t know how much time she had with whatever amount of attention Pete was generously offering.
He could walk away any minute and she’d be speaking into the abyss.
It was now or never. And if he didn’t believe her about what happened senior year, at least Morgan and Charlie still did.
Her foundation of support was stronger now, able to stand on its own.
“I wasn’t honest with you about something when we were dating, and I think it made me act like a bitch,” she said.
Pete shook his head. “I don’t understand.”
Avery looked back at the cement bench. “Can we sit?”
“I’m fine right here.” Pete crossed his arms, readjusted his stance so that his messenger bag sat higher on his shoulder. “What could you possibly need to tell me? You’ve done this kind of shit before.”
“I know. But this time it’s different.”
“I really can’t keep doing this, Avery.”
Avery swallowed down the lump in her throat. “You remember Morgan and Charlie, right? Their wedding?”
“Yes. Obviously.” His words were sharp, impatient.
Just come out with it, she thought. You’re taking too long.
“Well, their best man is this guy named Noah, who I also, um, know from school.” She was sputtering a bit. “He, um …”
She hesitated for a long time. Pete waited.
“He raped me.”
Avery averted her gaze, shifting her eyes to stare at the ground. An ant crawled toward the toe of her loafer. She squished it into the concrete.
Then she looked at Pete. His eyes were wide.
“Holy shit,” he gasped.
He put his messenger bag on the ground beside him.
Now she had his attention.
“Yeah …” she said.
“Did Morgan and Charlie know that?” Pete asked.
“Well, no. Not until recently. Senior year I got drunk at a party and Noah brought me to this guy Ronald’s room.
He held me down, and …” Avery paused, feeling light-headed.
“But nobody saw Noah—they only saw me with who they thought was Ronald. And I was dating my ex at the time, so everyone thought I, um … cheated.” She paused again.
“I hardly remembered anything the next morning, and I woke up feeling really … violated.”
She reached over her shoulder and massaged her back, the spot where Noah pressed down the hardest. Pete just looked at her, his lips slightly parted and his eyebrows furrowed, waiting for more.
“Anyway,” she continued. Beads of nervous sweat dotted her forehead.
“I felt so dumb for putting myself in a compromised position, you know, getting too drunk and giggling with Noah too much. Like I made him think I was flirting and wanted to sleep with him. And when everyone thought I’d cheated on Ryan, I just went along with that story, because it was easier to admit to being a cheater than it was to admit that someone did this to me.
I was terrified to admit that it happened.
But now everyone knows the truth. I kind of lost it in Colorado and confronted him in front of everyone. ”
Silence lingered between them. Pete’s face was impassive but seemingly in flux, like he was at the crossroads of several different emotions and figuring out which one to lead with.
Finally, he frowned. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
Happiness bloomed inside Avery’s chest. He believed her. Make that three people now. “Thanks,” she said.
“I’m just—” Pete ran a hand through his hair as the details of what happened calcified in his mind. “I’m shocked. You always hear about this stuff, but you never think it’ll happen to someone you know.”
“Yeah, well …” Avery shrugged. “Here I am, I guess.”
Pete stayed quiet for a few beats. He appeared at a loss for what to say next. “Well, what are Morgan and Charlie gonna do? If he’s the best man.”
“They kicked him out of the wedding. But the rest of the bridal party doesn’t think Noah did anything wrong. They all still think I just got drunk and cheated and that I’m trying to pass the blame. They’re reacting exactly how I thought they would if I ever came clean.”
Pete inhaled a shaky, angry breath. “That’s beyond messed up. They think he’s innocent?”
Avery nodded. “Even though in Colorado he admitted to me that he did it. But of course he’s still lying to everyone else.”
Pete’s eyes grew slightly more open. “What a bunch of douchebags. All of them. ”
Avery made a face like yup. “I mean, that’s what normally happens with these things anyway. Doesn’t matter what the truth is. Have you been following the Dave Moore news? Just watch. I bet he’ll lie low for a few years, then come back and win an Emmy.”
Pete had to know Avery was right. He lived in the same backward world that she did. “I want Noah dead. I want to skin him alive.”
Avery laughed. “Good luck with that.” The breeze started picking up, tickling Avery’s cheek and whipping her hair across her face. She tucked a long strand behind her ear. “But, yeah. Now you know everything.”
Pete gave a small smile. “Well, thank you for trusting me with this.”
Avery wrapped her arms around herself. The sun was almost fully set behind the skyscrapers, cooling down the air and darkening the sky.
Pete’s face was tinged with the orange-blue of dusk.
He and Avery were still the same distance apart as they were at the beginning of the conversation. She took a tiny step closer.
“I think the problem with us was that I didn’t think I deserved your affection,” she began.
“I had this huge secret I was hiding not just from you, but from everyone in my life. I thought what Noah did to me was my fault for so long, and I was afraid people who thought I cheated on my ex wouldn’t believe me if I told the truth.
I felt awful that I let something like this happen to me.
I was so disgusted with myself. I felt so broken.
It was just … constant self-loathing.” Avery sighed.
“And it trickled into our relationship. It made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for you. ”
“I’m really sorry to hear that.” Pete sounded stiffer than Avery would’ve liked. She could feel him slipping away and his well of compassion running dry.
“I’m not naive enough to think we could get back to where we were, with us dating or you wanting to come to the wedding.
” Avery bit her lip to stop herself from trembling.
“But I was wondering if you wanted to … grab a drink. Or something.” She held his gaze, tried to stay brave.
“I’m sorry if that’s too forward. I just …
I just miss you. I can’t stop thinking about you, and I’m scared I ruined it.
Well, I mean, I know I ruined it now. But I’m scared I ruined it forever. ”
Avery’s words hung heavy, suffocating, as Pete gave no immediate response.
She tried not to beat herself up for the horrible way she’d treated him this year, for the horrible way she behaved in general, with everything.
But she couldn’t help how she dealt with her pain.
You can’t control the survival tactics your body deploys when it feels under attack, the way chameleons can’t control their skin changing to blend into their surroundings in the face of a threat.
It’s biology. But she hated that she’d hurt Pete with her behavior, hated that he was in the crossfire of her attempts to survive.
“Look, I appreciate you coming by,” Pete said, in a tone that suggested he was leading up to his answer. “Even if it was slightly stalkery.” He tossed her a grin.
Avery grinned back, hope making her heart flutter. “Hey, remember when you waited for me outside my apartment after our fight? Grand ambushing gestures shouldn’t be new to you.”
“I know. You’re right.”
Avery held herself tighter, her teeth chattering from the wind. “So … that drink?” She was fully cold now, and the sky was almost black. But she would wait here all night for Pete’s reply.
“Can I think about it?” he finally said.
Tears pricked Avery’s eyes, built on her lash line and threatened to fall. It was too late. It was over.
“Okay.” She felt like a deflated balloon. “I understand. Just text me, I guess.”
“I will.” Pete cleared his throat and picked up his messenger bag. A flicker of something crossed his face. Sadness? Regret? She wasn’t sure. “Get home safe. And have a good night.”
She closed her eyes as he turned around to leave. “You too.”