2. The Goodbye
The carriage rocked back and forth as the early morning sun trickled in through the edges of the drawn curtains. Mary fidgeted with the ring on her left hand, catching the small rays. The small diamond created a rainbow of colors against the carriage wall.
She watched the reflections change shape and continued to wallow as the carriage made her final journey through London. She could feel her parent’s gaze and continued to use the kaleidoscope of colors as a distraction from conversation.
Catherine wore a solid black dress, her way of mourning her only daughter’s departure.
She had made it clear that Mary was as good as dead in her mind.
Mary felt the same way, except it seemed more like a banishment followed by a death sentence.
The streets of London slowly woke up as they rode in silence.
“I’ve heard there are savage natives there.” Her mother’s small voice broke the awkward silence. Tears filled her eyes as she continued. “Oh Mary, do take care to not venture too far into the wilderness. I know how much you enjoy your morning strolls.”
Mary fought the urge to roll her eyes, and looked down at her lap.
Makes sense: even on my way out, she needs to make snide comments, Mary thought to herself as she fiddled with the fabric of her dress.
Mary’s father squeezed her mother’s hand, “Mary understands what is ahead of her. I am sure Eduard has found them a suitable homestead to live on. Nowhere near the natives. His letters have been promising.” Gregory’s stone eyes looked between the two women.
Mary knew the look all too well. The subject must be dropped.
Catherine pulled her hand away from Gregory and rubbed her fingers. Mary’s heart swelled for a moment but then looked away.
I can’t feel too sorry for her, I am the one forced to leave my home.
Mary peeked out her window to distract herself from her parent’s words of caution as she thought back to Eduard’s latest letter.
It was folded and tucked in the pocket of her hunter green cloak.
It was clear he had begun and finished writing the letter weeks apart as the handwriting started in his neat script and ended in something closer to a scrawl.
My dearest Mary,
Thoughts of your face are scorched into my memory as I toil in the fields, working to bring you here to me, to bring you home. Knowing we'll be together again gives me the strength to continue. We will be happy here in the simple life that farming offers, and the community is welcoming and helpful.
I am trying to find the right words to finish this last letter to you. Our barn burned down so I spent a small fortune to rebuild it. The community did their best to scrape together as many supplies as they could spare. I am hoping it will be complete by the time you arrive.
At this time, I wonder if we made the right choice to continue with our engagement, not because my love for you has faded.
Rather I am worried I won’t be able to give you the life you deserve.
I hope to see you on the next ship here, but I am willing to release you from the engagement if you wish. My truest hope is your happiness.
With all my love,
Eduard
“What is the settlement called? I keep forgetting,” her mother said between sniffles, pulling Mary out of her rumination.
“Buffalo. I spoke to his father and he told me that he used his inheritance to purchase a modest-sized farm,” he replied, keeping his stoic expression fixed on Mary. “It is nothing extravagant but he has apparently done well to make a decent life for himself. And for our Mary,” he added.
Mary looked back down to prevent him from seeing her roll her eyes. Eduard had spent his time and money to prepare their homestead for her arrival. She had spent her time wallowing and contemplating how unfair life was. How desperately she wanted to change her fate so that she could stay in London.
Why did you do this to me, Eduard?
Now, it was Mary’s turn to take the voyage to America. Part of the agreement was that she would travel on a private vessel with the expense covered by her family.
With a sudden, jarring stop of the carriage, Mary lurched forward with a gasp. There was no escaping this. With a sigh, she stepped down from the carriage and realized she was surrounded by all her earthly possessions.
She stood on the dock, watching as her luggage was loaded, piece by piece.
All of the items she held dear were being whisked away along with her very self and all her shattered hopes and dreams. The salty air swept against her cheeks as she thought about how foolish she was to think she could stop this literal ship from sailing.
Her parents joined her on the docks. Her mother wrapped her short arms around Mary’s waist.
The large ship brought on a new sense of dread. She turned to face her father.
“Please don’t make me go. Release me from this engagement, Father. Let me stay in London.”
He narrowed his eyes. “After everything we have done for you, you still act so ungrateful. It’s shameful.”
Mary’s lip quivered at her father’s outburst. “Fine. After this, consider us even.”
He gave her a final nod in agreement and then stepped away to have a conversation with the captain. Mary watched the retreat of the man who was supposed to protect her.
“I really tried to change his mind,” her mother said, “You must believe me, dear.
I tried to find other suitors. No one would offer the same financial benefits that the Hoffmans could afford.
Anyone of value expected a dowry to take your hand in marriage.
" She sniffled and wiped a fresh tear from her eye.
Mary felt sorry for her mother, more for herself because she was the one forced to leave London. Yet it was her mother who became a shell of who she used to be these last few months instead of Mary.
“I know, Mother. We both tried. And we both know it is a man’s world.
We are just living in it.” Mary hugged her back, placing her cheek on top of her mother’s head.
Mary watched as her father engaged in conversation with everyone but her.
Her blood seethed beneath her skin, and her cheeks flushed as she fought back tears over his betrayal.
A goodbye with him was out of the question, their relationship strained beyond repair. Her attention returned to her mother.
“He is determined to be here for my send-off but only to ensure I get on that ship.” Mary clasped her gloved hands together. The cool, chilly air pierced through the fabric, freezing her slender fingers. “I’ve barely seen him these last months, and now he wants to make a sudden appearance?”
Mary’s mother gave her a weak smile. “Please remember your manners, and do your best to stay away from the edge of the boat. I don’t want you accidentally falling overboard.”
Mary rolled her eyes. Of course, she is going to ignore any negative remarks about Father. Everything revolves around him. Oh, to be a man in this world, Mary thought and blew hot air into her clasped hands.
“Yes mother, I will remember everything that has been ingrained into my mind. You taught me well.” Mary took in her mother for the sad creature she was, married to a ruthless businessman and now her only daughter was sold to the highest bidder.
“Please be sure to give my best to my sisters. I know I said my goodbyes yesterday, but I will miss them dearly.”
Just as my social status climbed and my relationship with my sisters-in-law blossomed —. Mary’s throat hitched as the reality of her situation sank in. I am about to board a ship, sail across a vast ocean and start living life as a farmer’s wife. There’s no looking back
I must look ahead to my future. A life void of any real social life, Mary thought. She hugged her mother a final time and turned toward the waiting ship.
I wish I could go back and do so many things differently, Mary mused as she put one foot carefully in front of the other. She stepped away from her mother’s side and began her ascent aboard.
Mary wasn’t sure what to expect once the ship landed. She just knew it wouldn’t be London. It wouldn’t be home.
She paused halfway up the walkway and turned to face her father once more, a final chance for him to come running to her, to scoop her up and fix all of this, to be her protector.
She was met with his usual cold stare, and he nodded at her.
It was the confirmation she needed to finish making her way on board.
I won’t even get a proper goodbye from him. Mother’s right; men have all the power, Mary thought and made a promise to herself in that moment: that one day, she would have enough of her own power that she would be able to make her own decisions without the input of any man.
With a return nod, she held her head high and made her way onto the rocking ship. Once both feet were planted firmly aboard, the crew moved the walkway and stored it for the arrival to America. They worked quickly and loudly around her as the captain yelled orders, and the men shouted in reply.
Amongst the chaos, an older woman with faded, golden hair greeted Mary, “Hello, Miss, follow me to your cabin.”
Her face was plump and jolly. Her tan skin showed years of sun damage, with freckles that rivaled the stars in the night sky.
“My name is Sue,” she said as they walked, “If there is anything you need, I will be of assistance. Your family has paid me and the captain to ensure you arrive safe and in one piece. The captain has instructed that I am the only one who is allowed to speak to you on this voyage on threat of death.”
Mary smiled. “Well, I guess that means we will become good friends indeed.”
Sue pursed her lips together, and her brow furrowed. “No, Miss. I am instructed to only attend to your needs and nothing further. I will bring meals to your room and shall escort you around the top deck should you require fresh air during the day.”
Mary’s shoulders sagged briefly. So much for being jolly, she thought miserably.
Sue opened a soft looking wooden door and disappeared with Mary following closely behind. Her cabin was dark and damp, smelling of salt and rotting wood. The pile of suitcases and trunks, with all her belongings, were shoved in the far corner away from the door.
After a small turn about the room she paused by her luggage and then the ship lurched as it was released from the confines of the dock. Mary caught herself against the stack of suitcases that already had a layer of damp liquid causing her hand to slide across the surface.
Not yet, I am not ready yet!
She rushed back out to the deck, wanting one last look of her parents and London. The idea that this was goodbye forever was too much for her to handle in the stuffiness of her room. The railing of the ship was strong and held her weight as she gripped it.
Mary’s mother’s arms were wrapped around herself, and her tears flowed freely and unabashedly. Her father’s back was his final farewell as he walked to the awaiting carriage.
What is my purpose now that I’ve been sold off like a precious jewel that was worth a great deal of money? In truth, this was what she was raised to do. Now that she was here, her soul longed for a new purpose.
The ship began its turn toward the open ocean, and Mary watched as her mother turned to join her father. There were no final waves, no indication they would see each other again, just a sad, final goodbye.
“Would you like to go to the back of the ship to watch the city disappear behind us?” Mary jumped as Sue appeared there, ready to escort her.
“No, I want to remember it the way it is: big buildings, and sprawling streets. I think I will take some afternoon tea in my cabin. I want to get out of the cold.”
Mary retraced the steps back to her room. It took a minute for her eyes to adjust fully. She removed her fur-lined gloves and placed them gently on the small dresser. Sue entered the room and slammed the door shut before the ship tilted slightly, causing them both to grab hold of something sturdy.
“Shall I help you unpack your suitcases?” The ship heaved again, and Sue tumbled against Mary.
“I think it best to leave things where they are for now.”
“Well at least let me take your coat.”
Mary tugged the coat tighter to her body. “No, thank you. I am still a bit chilly from the weather and do not wish to catch a cold.”
“Okay, Miss. Just find me if you do need any assistance.”
Mary thought about what assistance she really needed. Anger boiled up and she wanted to unleash it all on this small, grumpy woman. Instead, she chose a more dignified approach.
“Actually, I do need assistance. Help me go back in time and change my fate. Stop me from loving a man who would eventually lead me down a path I never signed up for, so that I can live out all my days in London.”
Sue smiled, but it didn’t quite reach her wrinkled eyes. “I’ll see what I can do.” Then, she abruptly left.
Finally alone, Mary leaned up against the dresser and assessed the layout of her home for the next couple of months.
A small bed, with a hand sewn quilt folded at the foot end, was positioned across from her. The trunks and suitcases were stacked neatly in the corner adjacent to the bed.
Her travel items would need to be found and unpacked. To her left revealed was a room divider, likely hiding a chamber pot for personal use.
The vanity held a three-piece mirror and space for any beauty products she would require. After looking around the room, the decision was made to save as many beauty products as possible until she landed.
No one to impress on this voyage, she thought. In a moment, she stumbled forward, collapsing in the chair, the weight of the realization and the motion of the ship caused her stomach to churn.
She pulled out Eduard’s final letter, reading it over and over. The same pain coursed through her as she read the words meant to release her from their engagement.
Mary folded the letter carefully. Her father would have never allowed it. He had sold her off to help his business, the money was spent before it even reached his pockets.
After sitting silently at the table a few more minutes she finally crumpled the letter and threw it away from her. The small, crinkled ball sat on the floor reflecting how she felt on the inside: broken and thrown away.
What will be my purpose now? I fulfilled my duty to my family, and what do I have to show for it? I have been cast aside and forgotten like an old tea bag. I’m completely, hopelessly powerless.
The tear held her eye hostage as it threatened to fall, imposing a sense of finality to her situation. She allowed herself to feel the full weight of what the tear meant. Finally, she blinked hard, allowing herself to cascade into the depths of despair.