6. The Funeral #2
Abigail’s heart raced at her mistake. I overheard our moms talking about it. You mentioned it a long time ago. Lucky guess? Her mind raced and her pulse pounded as each reason flashed across her mind to contain the damage. Sarah’s eyes narrowed slightly, studying Abigail.
Abigail struggled to find the right words and before she could reply Sarah shrugged.
“I guess I must have told you about it at some point.” She wiped the tears away from her cheeks.
“Come on. The music is starting, and I don’t want my mama to find us in this room since she told me earlier to stay out. ”
Abigail relaxed after being let off the hook for her slip up. I need to be more careful. I am Abigail. Jane is gone. Jane is dead. Jane is about to be buried. Abigail swallowed hard against her dry throat as the two clamored out from beneath the table.
They re-entered the crowded room just in time to see their mothers looking anxiously around for them. Once they rejoined their mothers, they walked together to the front row to sit for the service.
Abigail’s heart swelled as kind words were offered by those who knew her well, and she was able to nuzzle Lizzie and Sarah since she sat between the two of them. Both cried fresh tears as each new person spoke about Jane.
Abigail cried because the memories filled her with happiness that she made such a positive impact on so many. By the end of the service, she sat tall, proud of herself for the legacy she left behind.
Then their row stood, and the time came to say their final goodbyes. They lined up to visit the open coffin. Abigail’s feet grew heavy, and her new mother had to pull her arm a few times to get her feet moving.
I can’t do this. I can’t face my old body, a body that holds a now-deceased little Abigail, who was somehow forced into a dying body! Her throat tightened as she came within a foot of the waiting coffin.
Inside, her old-Jane body lay peacefully, surrounded by an arrangement of her favorite wildflowers. Her stomach flipped, and she feared that she would pass out. This is too much. I need to get out of here. Oh, little Abby. I’m so sorry!
The line shuffled behind them, and she was released from facing her former body. Little Sarah hung her head low in front of her as they walked together back to the room overlooking the cemetery.
“Stand straight; fix your posture. People are looking at you!” Abigail whispered through her teeth. Sarah’s eyes widened as she searched her small face.
“What did you just say?” Sarah whispered back, her voice low and controlled.
Heat flushed across Abigail’s skin, and she knew she had crossed a line. “I’m sorry. Just seeing her reminded me of her doing that to you. I didn’t mean it.” Abigail looked around for an escape, anything to get away from Sarah’s suspicious filled eyes.
“I need some air.” Abigail darted away from her granddaughter’s glare and pushed open the large church doors. Her little legs carried her out to the base of a large oak tree that sat on the border of the cemetery.
Her chest heaved as she gripped the rough tree bark. Abigail bent over and waited for her body to give in to the waves of nausea that inundated her senses.
I can’t do this! Being near Lizzie and Sarah is too confusing. With them, I am Jane. But Jane is dead. She sank down to her knees and landed on a tree root. The pain was immediate, but she ignored it as grief overwhelmed her.
I can’t be near them. I have to say goodbye. She couldn’t speak the words out loud and soon she heard footsteps. Jane is dead. I am Abigail now. I can’t look back. I have to look to the future.
“Are you okay?” Little Sarah closed the distance quickly and dropped down to meet Abigail on the ground.
“No, this is too hard for me. I can’t do this.” Tears poured down her face. The pull to unleash her truth to Sarah was overruled by logic.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t know my grandmother meant that much to you.” Her voice was strained. “I just thought that you were being supportive, but you are really struggling, huh?” Sarah narrowed her eyes.
Abigail didn’t know how to respond. A young child would not fully understand the gravity of this situation. Every time she opened her mouth, her words betrayed her youth.
“Even though you are younger than me, and usually you get all the attention, I was just hoping that maybe today you could just focus on me.” Sarah stood and brushed the leaves off her dark grey dress. Abigail couldn’t meet her gaze. It’s better this way.
“Well, then maybe we shouldn’t be friends anymore if you feel that way.” Abigail’s chest tightened. The last thing she wanted was to push away her family. But they are my old family. It’s just too hard, she thought as Sarah stormed past her back towards the church.
Halfway back, Sarah turned and shouted. “Fine! I don’t need you anyways, especially if you are going to act like a little brat!”
It’s better this way. Her thoughts failed to fully convince her that this was the right decision. Sarah disappeared back inside the church leaving Abigail alone once more.
“Maybe in time I can be around them,” she whispered to a ladybug walking across a leaf.
The deafening sound of her pulse quieted down, and soon her breathing calmed as well.
I don’t know why this happened to me, but it’s done.
I can’t look back now. I can’t be near Lizzie.
And I definitely can’t be near Sarah. She stood and brushed dirt off her sore knees.
She faced back towards the church and watched through the window as the funeral attendees mingled with plates full of food.
“My name is Abigail Winslow. Jane Abernathy-Hoffman is dead. I don’t know what the future holds, but I am not going to waste another moment focused on the past.”
In her heart, she wanted to believe the words spoken into the wind, but she knew that it was going to take time to fully adjust to her new life. You can do this.
She squared her shoulders and straightened her dress a final time before making her way back to the church, her head held high and her feelings pushed down low.
I can do this. My name is Abigail. Jane is no more.
For the first time she believed it. Her mind and body united as she fully-grasped her new identity. She quickly found her new mother and asked to be held. Abigail burrowed her face into her mother’s waiting neck, and through her brown hair, she could see Sarah crying to Lizzie in the corner.
Goodbye, my loves. Forever.