Chapter 6
Chapter
Six
JAKE
July 2012
Six weeks after spending the morning at Aspire, filming had wrapped for the season, and I was sitting in the editing bay in our offices in San Francisco with Rita and our head editor, Jay. We never used to involve ourselves much with post-production unless we had to, leaving it solely up to Jay and his team, but ever since we shifted the tone of the show to be something a little deeper than just getting dirty, it became important for us to make sure nothing gets lost or misinterpreted. Luckily Jay has never taken it personally—we were just consulting after all, not telling him how to do his job. It did mean that the show had become pretty much a year-round gig for me. As soon as post was done, I’d start combing submission emails and videos and vetting the people and locations for next season, starting the whole process all over again.
Changing the show was something Rita and I went to bat for two years ago. She was one of the assistant producers at the time, but she and I had a lot in common. We were both children of immigrants and we would often have these deep conversations about life in this country as first- generation Americans.
Sometimes we’d film these moments of magic when someone would talk about the difficult “family” part of a family business, or the effects of burnout during long shifts to the point of tears, only to have them edited out. The executive producer at the time thought they were too heavy. That America didn’t want too much real in their reality shows.
Rita and I went to the network with the new pitch and to show them that we were serious, I had to be ready to walk. I don’t think they liked the idea as much as they liked me, but at least they were willing to give it a try. We’d all been a little nervous about losing sponsorship and were right to be—a good number of the companies selling things like pickup trucks and workwear to more conservative consumers bailed immediately. They argued that no one wanted “bullshit human interest stories” or systemic societal problems “shoved in people’s faces as part of a political agenda.” But other, more inclusive companies were more than happy to take their place. After a few months and a scary little dip in viewership as our audience changed, we found our groove. The show resonated, and for the first time, we were getting positive reviews from critics as well. The network was thrilled.
With work being so consuming, I didn’t have to think too much about my personal life. Or lack thereof. I’d ended things with Holly a few days after the fundraiser in Chicago. It didn’t have as much to do with my little crush on a certain pretty pinup as it was Holly herself no longer needing me as much. She’d been hurt and confused, but not nearly as much as she would have been a few months before. Before I helped her turn her light on. I’d been able to convince her that she’d outgrown me. That there would be someone else out there more deserving of her love, and that she deserved to have someone who could give her more time and attention than I could. This was my standard breakup conversation—framing it in such a way that for them to argue against it would be to argue against how amazing they were.
Today we were working on the episode where I explored jobs men don't often do. The episode with Shelby. I had been both looking forward to this round of edits and dreading it at the same time. I’d gone on a bit of a Cherrie Bombshell video bender for a while after I’d met her, but I ultimately decided it was best just to let it all go and try to move past my crush. She was married, and I was pretty sure I’d imagined any interest or flirtation on her part.
“We’ll start with the waxing spot.” Jay said, and Rita agreed that we should start with the segment that would start the show and move on from there. The interview with Shelby was certainly on the serious side, but the other two segments we filmed as part of the same episode were much heavier, the last one being the most emotional piece I’d ever done. We needed to set the tone and take the viewers on this journey.
I thought I had prepared myself for seeing Shelby again, but when he started rolling the film and there she was, I felt a tingle of electricity along my spine. Especially at seeing myself right next to her.
“And you probably wouldn’t be circumcised either.” Jay nearly spat out his coffee when Shelby blurted her line on the screen.
“Oh, man. I wish we could leave that in. Fucking gold,” he said.
I shook my head at him even though I was laughing a little. I half thought about asking him to make a gag reel. Just for me.
“Jesus Christ, Jake,” Jay said, “How long are you blushing after this? Even if we edit this line and the laughing, you still look flustered. The viewers will sense something happened that they missed.”
Dan’s warning for me to step back from Shelby because “we weren’t on a date” came right on the heels of the circumcision comment, and I knew it was probably going to be a while before I’d be looking normal on the screen.
Watching the footage, I saw how much I had been glancing at Shelby throughout the whole thing. Staring at her more than watching what she was doing, even as she was trying to teach me. A knot was forming in my stomach as I worried maybe I’d ruined the whole segment with my puppy dog eyes. We pressed on.
Rita sighed and rubbed her forehead “We are just going to have to roll with the chemistry. Clearly, it’s going to be unavoidable, I just hope it won’t taint the piece too much. Agh, Jake! I wish we’d had you play devil’s advocate a little more. She’d have sparred with you, and that would have made it even better. Probably would have diffused a lot of the tension, too.”
“Tension?” I sat forward in my chair. “What do you mean?”
“The sexual tension?” she challenged. “I mean, I was there, and I saw it in person, but I didn’t think it would translate this much on film. God, I hope we can pull this off.”
“Let me watch through the whole thing a couple of times,” offered Jay. Why don’t you guys go to lunch, and I’ll try to figure this out.”
I raked my hands through my hair. I’d had moments of unprofessionalism before when someone would start making casually sexist or racist comments to me during filming. Because I was a man and because I could pass for white, they assumed I thought like they did. Even though the comments would be edited out, I could still see myself seething under the surface throughout the rest of the piece. Once, we had to scrap the entire thing and do a montage throwback episode to fill the gap.
I had chemistry with people too. Really delightful people who were pure joy to be around. Once, while reviewing the footage of a spunky and sweet eighty-year-old woman who planted surprise gardens in lower income neighborhoods in the middle of the night while wearing a headlamp, I’d watched myself light up like a Christmas tree on screen.
But never had the chemistry led to unprofessionalism. I felt awful.
“I blame myself too,” Rita said at lunch.” I should have been paying closer attention. I should have taken you aside and told you what I was noticing during filming.”
Rita and I had gotten close over the years, and I decided it was best to just be honest. “I don’t know that it would have made a difference. I can’t remember a time when someone got under my skin like Shelby had. I just had a day of being human, I guess.”
“Well, hopefully Jay can make it work. I’d hate to have to cut the whole thing, but we could probably make it a two-segment episode if we absolutely had to.”
The thought of that made me feel sick. Not just because I wanted to bring these issues to light, but also how could I possibly tell Shelby that her segment wouldn’t air because I couldn’t control myself around her?
We got back to the editing bay and Jay was smiling. “I think I did it. Thank God you filmed with two cameras. I just edited for close ups and focused a little more on Shelby. Now it just plays like she’s got the crush.”
“What?” I furrowed my brow and stared at him.
“Yeah. Here, watch.”
He started rolling the edited footage and that’s when I noticed Shelby had been sneaking glances at me too. Angling her body to face mine, smiling discreet little smiles that seemed to be just for herself. Wiping her hands on her pants. Balling up her fists. Fidgeting. Blushing.
After I recovered from the shock of this revelation, I said, “No. Absolutely not. She’s married with a kid for Christ’s sake. And even if you’re not seeing it as attraction toward me, it reads as nervous and undermines everything she says. I’d rather scrap the whole thing than embarrass her like this.”
“I’ll play around with it some more and see what I can do. I don’t think we need to give up on it just yet. But for now, let’s move on,” Jay said.
The rest of the episode proved much easier to navigate. I found my eyes getting teary all over again when we got to the end of the last segment, just like I had when we were filming. I sensed that this was going to prove to be our best episode yet, and although Rita and I never said it out loud, I think we both thought that for the first time we might have had an Emmy contender.
I’d have been gutted if that happened without Darius and Shelby.
Thankfully, Jay was an editing genius. He managed to make the piece sing, despite my moon eyes and Shelby’s fidgeting; the chemistry between us lending itself to the subject matter in a way I hadn’t expected.
At 7:30 p.m., I dragged myself out of the offices. I thought about stopping off at my favorite market and buying things to make myself dinner. I liked to cook. It was usually very meditative for me, but cooking for one that night would likely have had me sliding into a loneliness funk. Instead, I stopped at my favorite Thai restaurant and ordered takeout, grabbing a beer at the bar while I waited.
When I walked in my house, I was greeted by a giant ball of fluff named Lunchbox, his wagging tail reminding me I’d agreed to dog sit for my upstairs tenants for the weekend. He was essentially the house dog, coming downstairs to visit me even when they were home. I squatted to give him some love, burying my face in his fur. That night I was very grateful to have the company.
Even though I hadn’t cooked, I set a place at the dining room table. I like ritual and I’d been trying to eat mindfully lately, not just shovel food in my mouth as I watch something on TV or look at my phone. Eating this meal mindfully, however, just meant my mind was full of Shelby Ristow.
I cleaned up after my dinner, pouring the last of a bottle of wine into my glass as I sat down in front of my laptop. All evening I’d been flashing back to the footage that Jay had edited to highlight Shelby’s fidgeting and nervousness. I thought about the little hitches in her demeanor while we were eating lunch, too. I managed to convince myself–the wine helping significantly—that she was feeling the same things that I was, and what I was about to do was well worth the risk.
Along with edits, we had been arranging the season’s episode air dates with the network so I had a rough idea of when Shelby’s episode would air. I had promised her I would let her know, after all. I pulled up her submission video email that Rita had forwarded me and copied her address: [email protected].
Hi Shelby,
We just finished the first round of edits for our episode and it’s shaping up really well. Rita and I agree it will probably be one of our best and I’m so excited for you to see it. It looks like it will air on December 12th, but if that changes, I will let you know.
I want to say something here, and I may be way off base, but I felt like there may have been something going on between us that day. Watching the footage made me wonder too. I know you’re married, and the last thing I’d want to do is overstep, but I also don’t want to miss out on something either. You said you were a fan of mine once upon a time—well, I’ve become a fan of yours. You are a spectacular woman, and I haven’t been able to get you out of my mind since we met.
If there’s anything here, let’s talk. Otherwise, I’d completely understand if you tell me to fuck off, or don’t respond at all.
Waiting in the wings,
Jake
In my defense, it wasn’t like I was putting a working relationship or even a friendship in jeopardy. In fact, it was likely I’d never see her again. I drained my glass and hit send.
A few days later when I checked my inbox, I saw a new email from [email protected]. The subject line read: Regarding Shelby
Hi Jake,
My name is Kendra and I’m a friend of Shelby’s. I am helping her out with catching up on some emails and I saw yours. I will relay the first part of your message to her about the show, thank you.
As for the second part, well… that’s complicated. I’ll tell her about it at some point, but for now I will have to delete your email.
Two weeks ago, Shelby’s husband was killed in a car accident.
Regards,
Kendra