Chapter 23
Luca
I can count on one hand the number of times in the last two years I’ve actually wanted sex, and all of them have been in this past week. With Austin.
I can barely even eat. Instead, I keep finding myself watching him. If you had asked me six months ago if the sight of someone’s Adam’s apple bobbing with each swallow of their food would turn me on, I would have laughed. I would have asked what was attractive about that.
Now? I’m not laughing. Because as it turns out? Everything. Everything is attractive about it.
My stomach clenches with want when Austin swallows again. Ungh. This is so ridiculous. “You don’t like it?”
I drag my eyes up to find Austin staring at me. “I do. Yeah, it’s good.”
“It’s more than good,” Austin says with a grin. “It’s fucking delicious.”
I can’t help but smile. The dark cloud hanging over him seems to have lifted, and that, more than anything else, makes me happy.
It’s different from how it was with Damien.
When he had a dark cloud hanging over him, I overcompensated, toed the line to stay safe—not that it ever actually helped—and went out of my way to make him happy.
It wasn’t even that I wanted to. I just felt like I had to. It was the only way for me to survive. With Austin, it’s different. I want to make him feel better. I want to take care of him. It’s not survival; it’s desire.
“What are you thinking about over there?” Austin asks, and I realize I’ve zoned out again.
“Nothing.” I smile, then take a bite of my food. It really is pretty good. The chicken is just a smidge overcooked, but it’s worth it for the detour we had in the kitchen. A detour I’d very much like to get back on.
Austin shifts in his seat, jostling my feet, which are still draped across his lap. “Did you have a good day? I know it got a little crazy there at the end of my shift, and I couldn’t talk for a while.”
“Yeah, it was fine. I’m excited to get back to work, though. Especially since I need to make my car payment next month.”
Austin hums, taking another bite. “I can pay it if you need me to.”
That defeats the purpose. It’s bad enough that I live here, that he buys my food, and that he pays for all the utilities. I can’t be indebted to him like I was with Damien. I can’t rely on him to pay my way and take care of me financially. “No. That’s okay. I can do it myself.”
“Okay.” I watch him for any sign that he’s upset, but I find none. He simply flashes me a bright smile, then leans forward to set his bowl on the coffee table.
He clasps my foot between his hands, then starts massaging it. “What are you doing?”
“Giving you a foot rub?”
I close my eyes, trying to fight a smile. “Yeah, I know, but why?”
He’s quiet for so long that I open my eyes to look at him. He’s watching me with a serious expression. “Because I enjoy it. Do you want me to stop?”
He removes his hands. Wow. I think I just had an epiphany. “This is one of those times when I’m looking at you doing something nice and seeing a trap, isn’t it?”
Austin cocks his head. “I can’t answer that for you, baby.”
“No. No, I know.”
“But what I can tell you is that I’m enjoying this.” He picks my foot back up, then uses his thumbs to press into the arch. “I enjoy touching you. I enjoy making you feel good. There’s no ulterior motive.”
He’s telling the truth. It’s easy to see. His warm brown eyes are sincere, brimming with the truth of his words. It’s so simple for him. He wants to touch me. That’s it. That’s the whole thing.
He doesn’t want to hurt me or manipulate me. He never has. I’m still so goddamn afraid, though. I hate being afraid. And I especially hate being afraid of my feelings for Austin. Damien has ruined so much for me. My trust in myself and my trust in others.
I won’t let him ruin this. Not tonight. Not with Austin.
I pull my foot slowly from Austin’s hand. His face is impassive, but his eyes are still soft and genuine. So, I sit up fully and climb right into his lap, straddling his thighs.
Leaning close enough to him to feel his warm breath on my lips, I whisper, “So touch me more, then.”
“Luca…” My name is a barely there whisper, spoken around choked emotion.
I don’t even wait to see what he’s going to say. I tip my head forward and press my lips to his. His hands come up to cradle my head, holding me in place for his gentle onslaught.
I let the feelings spread, let myself melt into it. Into him. I don’t flinch in fear once. Not when his hands trail down the sides of my throat. Not when his thumbs dip into the hollow. Not when his fingertips graze my collarbones.
I arch into him instead, blocking everything from my mind but the taste of his lips and the rough pads of his fingers on my skin.
It feels good. Better than anything I’ve felt in a long time. It’s warmth and safety, and not once do I believe he’s doing it to get something out of me.
“So beautiful, Luca,” he murmurs against my lips as his hands trail lower, thumbs brushing over my nipples, fingertips grazing my sides, and his bottom lip catching on mine. “So fucking beautiful. Inside and out.”
My breath catches, my cock fully hardening. My hips move on their own, grinding against him as I seek more. More of his touch. More of his words. More of his body. His head tips back on the couch with a soft moan, his lips parting as he exhales a breath.
Austin’s hands continue their lazy path down my body, stopping at my hips, and then sliding up my back and pulling me closer. He lifts his head to catch my lips again.
I put my hands on his chest, needing to touch him back, needing to feel him. A moan pours from my lips to his as I lose the battle with my restraint and grind against him.
“That’s it, baby. Fuck, you feel good,” he moans before lifting a hand to hold my face and deepen our kiss.
A shiver wracks my body. “Oh, God.”
“You okay, baby?” Austin whispers. “You’re trembling.”
I’m trembling because this is too much. I don’t want it to stop, but I also don’t want it to keep going like this. I can’t. “Take me to bed.”
Austin freezes, using his grip to gently guide my head back until I’m looking at him. “What do you mean?”
“Exactly what I said. I want you to fuck me.” My stomach gives a nervous flip, unhappy with that idea, but I don’t really know if I can do this any other way. If I try to go loving and sweet—even just the thought sends a nauseous wave through me. “This sweet and slow stuff isn’t gonna work for me.”
Austin watches me carefully, eyes roaming my face like he’s searching for answers. The truth is, I’m not sure if I have any for him. I’m not sure if he’ll find any in my expression either.
I’m afraid gentle will derail me. It’ll feel too much like love, and right now, I don’t think I can take that. I don’t think I’ll survive that at all. My fragile psyche won’t at any rate. “If you want to be with me, this is how we have to do it.”
I wait for him to deny me. I wouldn’t even blame him. Just forty-eight hours ago, he didn’t even want to kiss me, and if there’s anything I can say about Austin, it’s that he’s got sweet and loving written all over him.
He’d want to hold me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. Touch me reverently, and… He’d want to make love to me. I can’t handle his love right now. Not when I can’t stop worrying about it turning into Damien’s hate.
“Please, Austin.”
He sighs. “I won’t hurt you, Luca. Don’t ask me to.”
I shake my head. “I’m not asking you to hurt me. I don’t want to be hurt, either. I just don’t want…”
Austin’s thumbs swipe over my cheekbones. “You don’t want to what, baby?”
“I don’t want you to treat me like you love me.”
I wish I knew what he was thinking. Wish I knew what the shuttering of his expression was for. Why his pretty eyes went dim.
I don’t get an answer, nor do I get the chance to ask. No sooner do I open my mouth to speak than he drops his hands from my face and pushes to his feet, cupping my ass in his hands and lifting me effortlessly with him.
He carries me straight into the bedroom, shutting the door behind us, and then I’m being pressed against it, the cool wood sending a shock through my overheated body.
Austin’s mouth comes down on mine. Hot and quick and desperate.
Seeking. His tongue pushes past my lips, then retreats before he sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and bites down on the flesh.
I gasp, my cock jerking between us. He breaks away, and my head thunks against the door behind me.
His breathing is ragged when he leans in close to my ear and whispers, “I won’t fuck you like I love you.
” Relief washes over me. “But… I also can’t fuck you like I hate you, either.
How about I fuck you like I like you instead? ”
I think he’s joking for a second until I lift my head to find him staring at me with a serious expression.
I nod. “Okay. It’s just that—I… I can’t handle it being all sweet and romantic.”
Warm brown eyes slowly flick across my face. “Okay. It can be like when we were kids. Just the two of us exploring and having fun.”
I have no idea how to tell him that it’ll never feel like it did when we were kids again. Because the person I was before Damien no longer exists. It would just break his heart to hear me say that, though, so there’s really no point. “Okay,” I say instead.
Austin tightens his grip on my ass and pulls me off the door before dropping me onto the bed and crawling up my body.
His weight settles on mine, forcing me into the mattress. I tilt my head back, baring my throat to him. He doesn’t take me up on the offer. Instead, he fists my hair, tangling his fingers in the strands, and kisses me.
It’s not as soft as before, not as sensual, but I still like it. I still enjoy his taste and his tongue as he works me into a frenzy all over again.
It doesn’t take much for my cock to swell against him. It’s been so damn long since I’ve enjoyed sex or sexual contact that I’m already leaking.
Austin raises himself enough to slide his hand between us and down my stomach. When he grips my cock over my briefs, I let out a harsh groan. “Fuck.”
“Yeah? Feel good?” he asks quietly, stroking me firmly twice before letting go. My hips buck up, practically begging him to come back and touch me some more.
“It’d feel better if you kept going.”
He chuckles, nuzzling my cheek before making his way to my throat. My back arches as he licks at the hollow of my throat and down my chest, sucking each of my nipples into his mouth before continuing his path down.
His nose dips into my belly button, nuzzling me there and making me giggle at how it tickles. It’s nice. Good, even, but then my hands go clammy at how sweet he’s being. “Enough teasing, Austin,” I grit out. “Fuck me already.”
He sighs, letting out a puff of air against my stomach. “Jesus. Impatient.”
Hooking his thumbs into the waistband of my briefs, he tugs them down, and my hard cock springs free.
For a second, we both freeze. I’m not even sure why. It’s not like he hasn’t seen my dick before. It’s almost like he’s giving me a chance to change my mind. I won’t, though. I don’t want to stop. Not even a little.
I let my head fall back against the pillow when Austin settles between my legs. Warm lips skate up the inside of my thighs, and heat washes over me. Yes. This. No thoughts and no feelings aside from the feel of Austin’s mouth as it gets closer and closer to my throbbing dick.
My eyes have fallen shut, but they spring open when Austin opens a drawer, and when the unmistakable sound of lube being uncapped fills my ears, my stomach tightens.
“Condom?” Austin asks, and I shake my head. I don’t want anything between us. Thankfully, my test results after Damien were good. “Okay, that’s fine,” he says softly.
I’m a little apprehensive for some reason, even though a few seconds ago, I wanted this more than anything. I’m opening my mouth to tell Austin to hold on just a second when he taps my thigh.
Muscle memory kicks in, and I roll over without thought, my cock wilting at the position and the fear rising in my chest. My chest falls to the bed on instinct, my hips turning back into the position Damien likes me in.
I’m frozen. I can’t even ask him to stop. Not when he places a hand on my ass and spreads my cheeks to expose my hole. Not when he brushes a dry thumb over it. Not even when a cool, slick finger presses against it.
I’m stuck. I’m stuck here. Stuck doing this thing I don’t want. My heart pounds, and my vision goes blurry.
Stop.
I want to scream the words, but nothing will come out.
I want to stop. I want to stop. I want to stop.