Chapter 26
Luca
Austin and I are walking into the gym for more self-defense, and today, I have a little more pep in my step. Call it a good night’s sleep. Call it amazing shared orgasms where I feel cherished and cared for. Truly, call it whatever you want. I’m just thrilled about it.
After opening the door and ushering me through, Austin hooks my pinky with his.
“Is Arlo coming today?” he asks, glancing at me.
“He should be.” He said he was, anyway, but there’s been something off about him for a week or so. Honestly, it’s been since the night that Austin had that bad fire, and I haven’t been able to figure out what yet or get him to tell me.
I’m sure he will eventually, but even if he doesn’t, I don’t mind. “He said he wasn’t sure Jasper would want him here,” I say, following Austin into the training room.
“Why? Jasper lives for this shit. As far as he’s concerned, the more, the merrier.”
And I don’t doubt that’s true, but something has definitely gotten into Arlo. I just wish I knew what it was.
Jasper’s stretching when we get inside, and I do a quick glance around, disappointed that there’s no Arlo. Jasper looks up when he hears us, then looks around. “No Arlo?”
I shake my head. “I guess not.” Damn. I really thought he would come. “Hang on. Let me text him.”
Letting go of Austin’s pinky, I take my phone from my pocket and pull up Arlo’s contact.
I’m halfway through typing my message when the doors swing open and he walks inside. “Sorry I’m late.”
He looks half out of it, confused and exhausted.
I’m not the only one who notices. “Are you okay?” Jasper asks before I can even open my mouth.
“Fine,” Arlo replies, waving him off. “Are we doing this or what?”
There are a few moments of tense silence before Jasper inhales deeply and claps his hands together. “Okay, let’s get to it. Today, we’re gonna work on getting someone on the ground.”
Austin loops an arm around my waist, pulling me closer to him. “No one touches you but me.”
I know he doesn’t mean the words any type of way, and I also know that he’s just concerned I’ll get triggered again, but they still send a shiver up my spine.
“Okay,” I say, giving him a small smile.
“I guess that leaves you with me,” Jasper says, dragging my attention away from Austin.
Arlo doesn’t look thrilled about that in the slightest. “Yay me.”
Jasper walks us through a move where we sweep the leg of our would-be attacker, intending to get them on the ground.
“Come here, Austin. We’ll demonstrate.”
Arlo stands beside me while Austin walks across the mat to Jasper. Jasper takes us through the move again, slowly showing each step, and then, lightning quick, Austin is on the ground.
His back hits the mat with a dull thud, and the air rushes from his lungs. We’re all stunned into silence for a few seconds, and then Austin bursts out laughing. “You fucker.”
Offering him a hand, Jasper pulls Austin to his feet and turns to us. “You guys ready?”
“Ready as I’m gonna be, I guess,” Arlo says, glancing at me. “What about you?”
A rush of trepidation shoots through me, and my fingers start tingling. “Yeah,” I croak.
Austin won’t hurt me. Austin won’t hurt me. Austin won’t hurt me.
Austin steps toward me, a wry smile playing on his lips. “Go easy on me, now. Jasper’s done kicked my ass.”
I let out a nervous chuckle, hoping that he doesn’t see how worried I am about this. “I’ll do my best.”
“Do you wanna start?”
I nod slowly. Austin comes at me cautiously, and I follow Jasper’s instructions, sweeping his leg and knocking Austin to the ground. He doesn’t go down as hard as he did when Jasper did it, and he pops right up after.
“Again,” he mumbles.
We repeat the motion again and again, but there’s something…
not quite right about it. He’s being too slow, his moves too cautious.
“In a real attack,” I say, chest heaving with exertion, “there’s no way my attacker—” I cut myself off with a shake of my head.
“Damien never came at me slow. He was quick and terrifying.”
Austin nods, studying me. “I understand.”
“Stop treating me with kid gloves. Come after me. I need to know I can take someone down who means me actual harm.”
Austin steps closer, bringing a hand up to brush his thumb along my jaw. “I’d never mean you harm, Luc.”
I can’t help but roll my eyes. “Yes, I know that. But for the purposes of this exercise, I need to believe you could.”
With a resigned sigh, Austin steps back. I’m convinced he’s not going to do what I asked. So convinced, in fact, that when he darts forward and grabs me, I’m not expecting it, and I freeze.
My heart hammers in my throat when he drags me to him, pressing the length of his sweat-slicked body against mine. “Breathe, baby,” he murmurs softly, leaning in close to me. “You’re okay. I won’t hurt you. Let’s try again.”
I swallow hard, my stomach damn near revolting at this whole thing. But I need it. I need to be able to stand up for myself. On my own two feet. I need to be able to prevent an attack. And if Damien ever comes after me, I need to be able to stop him too.
I force myself to take a deep breath. “Okay. Let’s go again.”
Austin steps back, and I study him, waiting.
His muscles tense a second before he lunges.
His face gives nothing away—not really. His only tell is the bunching of his muscles, but it’s a tell I’ve learned to watch for, that I’ve grown used to.
A tell I’m good at seeing and anticipating, so when he gets close to me, I sweep his leg, knocking him to the ground just as quickly as Jasper did.
He lets out a soft grunt when his body slams onto the mat, and I smile down at him in triumph. “Gotcha.”
Before I can blink, I’m losing my footing—thanks to Austin sneak-attacking me—and crashing hard on top of him.
I groan, slamming hard enough against his body that I’m surprised I don’t hurt him.
His arms snake around my waist, and he flips me over, pinning me to the ground under him, my arms held above my head with a firm hand around my wrists. My breath catches for a second, fear and intrigue fighting for control of my body.
There’s an almost feral look in his eyes, and with Damien, that would terrify me. With Austin? The playfulness underneath does nothing but make me grin.
He would never hurt me.
With featherlight softness, Austin brushes his nose along mine. “Gotcha.”
I surge up, pressing my lips to his. There’s a near-silent moan as he kisses me back, and when Austin releases my hands, I immediately tangle them in the damp mess of hair at his nape.
I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid, and I’m being kissed like Austin’s world begins and ends on my lips, in the shared heat of our bodies, in the slight hint of salt on our tongues.
A throat clearing loudly has Austin breaking away with a breathless chuckle.
“Alright, you two. No dry humping on the mats.” Jasper’s voice is full of humor and teasing, and even though I know damn well that I’m Austin’s best friend, my heart sings at the knowledge that he has Jasper too.
With a slight smirk, Austin climbs off me, then helps me to my feet. “You did good. Wanna go again?”
“Yeah, let’s do it,” I say, grinning up at him.
Anxiety and pride.
Those are the two things I seem to be made of. Anxiety about being out and about on my own. So far, I mostly just go to work and home. If I do need to go somewhere else, I do so with Austin or Arlo.
But also pride because I’m about to make my first car payment. On the very first car I’ve bought for myself.
There’s a pit in my stomach as I walk up the path to the building at the car lot, an itching along my shoulder begging me to turn around and look behind me—like I’m being followed and my instincts are screaming at me to make sure I’m not.
I won’t. Mostly because I know there’s no one there. Just like there was no one in the woods, and unlike that night, I will not feed into the fear. I won’t give it the satisfaction it wants.
Instead, I steel my shoulders, ignore the itch, and step through the doors.
Mandy, the woman who helped me with all the paperwork when I bought the car, looks up at me with a smile. “Hey, can I help you?”
I have to clear my throat before I can speak, but I’m proud of how strong my voice is when I say, “I’m here to make my payment.”
She gestures for me to come forward, typing away on the computer. “Name?”
“Luca Pierce.”
I drum my fingers along the counter, that same strange feeling tingling along my spine. I’m being ridiculous. I know I am, and I need to calm down.
“How are you paying?”
I jolt out of my thoughts. “Oh. Uh—cash, if that’s okay.”
She flashes a smile. “Perfect.”
I dig out my wad of cash from my pocket, then hand her three crisp hundred-dollar bills, and a few seconds later, she gives me a handwritten receipt.
I thank her, then turn around and walk out.
As soon as I get behind the wheel of my car, my eyes start burning and my throat tightens. I wish I could say why. I just made a car payment. It’s something normal people do every day. It’s not like I did something that deserves a gold medal, but it still feels like the start of something for me.
Or maybe the end.
The end of me relying on someone else. The end of me not being in charge of my own destiny. The end of me not being able to provide the things I need on my own.
For the first time since I was nineteen years old, I don’t need someone else to take care of me.
Sure, I want to get home to Austin and let him hold me and kiss me and cuddle me to sleep, but I don’t need him. I’m finding it’s far sweeter to want someone than to need them.
It also lessens the burning fear in my stomach, the fear that drags me down, convincing me that I can’t be happy with Austin. That I’m repeating a cycle. That I’m relying too much on someone else to take care of me.
Would living in my car be ideal? Of course not. But I could. If something happened, and Austin told me to get out, I’d be okay. I would be. And that? That fills me with immeasurable joy and pride.
I swipe at my eyes, brushing away the tears that have spilled down my cheeks as a carefree and happy laugh bursts free of my chest. Shaking my head at my emotional outburst, I back out of my parking spot and hit the highway.
Before heading home, I stop at the grocery store. Making dinner used to be something I loved. I love taking care of the people I love. I always have. Making sure people have what they need and want is my favorite.
Giving in that way makes me feel… indescribable. But then Damien twisted that love and turned it into something I hated. He turned me into something I hated. He twisted me up and fucked me up and spit me out into a pile of disgusting nothingness.
Damien is gone, though, or rather, I am.
I don’t have to live that anymore. I get to make my own rules.
I get to make dinner because I want to, not because I’m expected to.
I get to take care of Austin because it brings me joy to see him happy and full and relaxed after a long shift at work, not because I’m going to get the shit beaten out of me if I don’t.
I refuse to let Damien take anything else from me.
The pieces he broke are there somewhere. The little fragments of my heart, not gone like I thought, but embedded in my chest cavity and ribs. They’re still there.
All the things I used to love about myself still exist. It was a disservice to me to think they didn’t. And more than that, it gave Damien too much power.
So tonight, I’m going to go home. I’m going to cook Austin one hell of a dinner. I’m gonna straighten up the house, and I’m going to spend the night showing him how much I care about him.
Not because he needs me to, but because I want to. Because the pieces of my heart are coming out of their hiding places and finding their way back to where they belong. And I’m pretty sure when they make it back, I’ll find Austin holding them in his hands.