Theo
Theo
My groin ached.
My eyes stung from staring blankly at the wall for hours in the dark.
My muscles were heavy from straining with self-control.
I felt filthy for spending the better part of the night fighting the urge to flip on top of the goddess sleeping next to me and claim her oh-so-ready body.
I was torturing myself every time I entertained the idea, but how could I not?
The scent of her mouth-watering blackberry arousal was literally begging to be addressed.
She wanted me. Or at least, she wanted something squeezed between those luscious thighs.
I was more than happy to be that something.
Gentle wasn’t in my nature—or any Quadmos’s nature. I’d have rut her until she was so spent she needed to be carried back up the damn mountain to recover in her field. If her divine mother would still let her in after the way I defiled her daughter.
That didn’t dissuade my appetite. I’d be honored to carry her home satisfied and exhausted.
What truly stopped me from acting on my desires was the soft snoring that started almost immediately after the room fell silent. She was exhausted and finally sleeping in a bed. Who was I to interrupt that? Even if the sweetness of her wet dreams was tormenting me.
And fuck was I feeling the effects of that torment today.
I was used to ignoring my feelings and putting on a pleasant facade, but that was proving impossible after pulling an all-nighter fighting my most primal urges.
Frankly, it worried me. I was comfortable with my on-demand “off” switch.
Now I was agitated, tense, and hungry… without knowing what to do about any of it.
“I’m nervous to tell Ida,” Vivian confessed, pulling my attention outside of my own skull.
We’d been trudging through the mud uphill for hours, saying very little. I wasn’t sure what my conversation skills would be like. Filthy? Rude? Non-existent? Not worth the risk of finding out.
“Do you think she won’t like it?” I asked.
“No… I think she will. But it doesn’t feel like a decision I should make for her. I wish we had more time to close the deal.”
“Sorry I couldn’t negotiate an extension.” I’d tried to this morning on Vivian’s request but was unsuccessful. Housing was limited. First come, first served.
“You don’t need to be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. You’ve been nothing but generous, even though you owe us nothing.”
She kept saying that. That I was helping them for no good reason. Today, not feeling like myself, the claim irked me more than usual. “I owe you my life,” I stated flatly.
“Sure,” she dismissed, before letting out a deep sigh. “I just feel bad about the whole situation.”
“The whole situation?”
“It’s the short notice. It’s me having to make the call. It’s that I owe Ida a lot, and I kind of feel like you’re paying my debt right now. It should be me handling all of this as thanks for her taking such good care of me when I had nothing and nobody to lean on.”
“You don’t have a debt to anyone just because they wanted to help you.” I didn’t want her to feel bad about any of this. I was here to make things easier on her. Not introduce a sense of moral agony.
“You’re one to talk, Mr. ‘I owe you my life’,” she scoffed. “We really need to stop the cycle of favors before it gets out of hand.”
“You’re the one who needs a reason for everything I do,” I grumbled.
Normally that wasn’t particularly frustrating for me, but I was so tired and tense from last night.
If she’d just accept my help without dissecting my motives, it’d be better for everyone.
I didn’t care to think about the history of life experiences that brought me to these decisions.
Whenever she asked “why”, old memories seeped into my thoughts.
Painful reminders of why this mission was so important to me.
“Dad?” The voice of the child in my memory was small. “What’s happening?”
Because I’d sacrificed my soul for a cause that I wasn’t sure made any difference.
“Dad, I’m scared.”
Why did I have to remember the way his words trembled so clearly?
“This isn’t fucking helping anybody!”
The rage I felt was so fresh. So real. So much more than a haunting flashback.
I couldn’t undo those days, but I could try to create a better future.
I didn’t know how, but I had to try. One foot in front of the other until something good came of it all.
And now, after all this time, there was a way to make a difference.
A real, tangible improvement for the life of a goddess.
And she was questioning my every move and intention.
I clenched my jaw and tried to silence the intrusive voices. We needed to drop the topic.
“A reason would be comforting…”
“Would it be?!” I snapped, to my own surprise. My nervous system was still reeling from the voices echoing in my skull. Taking me back to that time in my life. “Because from where I stand, I’ve given a reason. And it wasn’t good enough.”
I couldn’t believe the tone that was coming out of my mouth. I was back in that room screaming and seeing red. An icy shiver of shame crept up my spine. I was being a fucking asshole. That couldn’t be a thing. Especially not with Vivian.
I cleared my throat and tried to remind myself who I was talking to. “What can I say that will actually reassure you?” My voice became the smallest it’d ever been. Utterly contrite.
Vivian watched me closely, eyes narrowed.
She sighed. “Look, it’s just hard to entrust your livelihood, and the livelihood of someone you love, to a stranger who seems too good to be true.
” Her tone lowered seriously. “I think I’d feel better if I knew a selfish reason you want to help me.
What do you have to gain? Because everyone I’ve ever known was selfish.
I understand selfish. Selfish is predictable. ”
A bit of the truth was the least I could offer her as an apology for my outburst. Vivian wasn’t a memory.
She was real. I was being a dick to her because of my own inner demons and exhaustion.
I scratched the scar above my ear, painfully aware of its sting that never went away.
She wanted to know what I got out of helping her?
Something dark. Something self-serving. I wasn’t about to offer my rotten innards on a silver platter, but I could give her some context if it meant she’d be easier on herself for the rest of the summer.
I let out a deep breath. “I’ve hurt people. A lot of people. A long time ago. Since then, I’ve tried helping goddesses differently... on my own… to undo some of the damage I’ve done in the only way I could come up with.”
Her eyes softened. “Why did you hurt people?”
“I was told to.” My jaw clenched. I wanted to escape this conversation as quickly as possible. This wasn’t something I talked about.
Feather-soft fingers grabbed at my hand, pressing our palms together just as they’d been last night.
I didn’t feel the tingling of healing on my fresh scar, and I was grateful.
It was my only mark from a pure, just cause.
Created to protect Vivian. And it was my blood that was spilled, not the blood of an innocent.
“How many people?” she asked, her thumb stroked mine.
“Too many.”
She was silent. Was this really the comfort she needed?
Why would she trust me more knowing I had a history of violence?
I stared ahead, wishing I could take back the words.
I was the one who listened to others spill their guts, not the other way around.
Why was I suddenly breaking my ribs open for her, letting her see my long since blackened heart?
Still beating, after all the others it had stopped.
“Thank you for telling me, Theo.” Her light grip gently squeezed between my knuckles. She was offering comfort. “That makes me feel better.”
I didn’t feel better. Wasn’t truth-telling supposed to feel cathartic, especially when the listener was responding so kindly? I felt more tangled in complex guilt than before. Why? It was frustrating.
I was doing the right thing! I was helping. I was being honest. I was non-violently trying to fix a fucked up socio-political crisis. I looked down at the berry-red top of her head. She met my gaze, icy blue eyes smiling at me reassuringly… and I realized why that confession felt so wrong.
My motive was no longer redemption. Not anymore. I had lied to her in my attempt to tell the truth.
Of all the altruism I’d forced trying to rewrite history, this had become something entirely different.
I would commit every heinous crime again if it gave her peace.
I’d face my own damnation for her continued laughter.
I’d be her weapon to wield so that she could live safely in that field for the rest of her days.
Somehow… somewhere… in such a short amount of time, my intentions had changed entirely.
“You ready?” she asked, just as Ida’s deteriorating roof became visible through the trees.
“Ready.”
“Ida, we’re back!” Vivian called as she twisted the loose doorknob.
“Perfect timing, I just finished some soup!”
The kitchen table was cluttered. Jars were still open from their use.
I made note of how low the rations of the limited ingredients were.
Not to mention, she only had food that couldn’t spoil.
Of course, where would she get fresh groceries?
We’d picked up what we could on the trip, but it’d only stretch so far.
“Help yourselves and come take a seat. Tell me about it.” Ida pivoted on her foot and lowered herself into the rocking chair by the fire.
Vivian ladled what looked like broth and cubes into a bowl and carried it to Ida before serving herself. I was hesitant to take food rations from either of them, but without a fridge this wouldn’t keep. So, I served myself and followed.
“Now, Vivian, did you wear that necklace like you were supposed to?” Ida peered accusatorily through the steam of her lunch.
“Of course, Ida. I even got some wire to attach the crystal.” Vivian smiled, touching the black fabric. “The trip was completely uneventful. I was a good Pyran.”
Ida clapped her hands and smiled. “So glad to hear it! I do miss Drifael. I’ll need to make a trip soon.”
Vivian’s eyes peered at me hesitantly. “Actually, I was thinking Theo may be able to help with that.” I nodded at her to continue. “Do you still think about living in the village?”
Ida sipped from her bowl. “Oh sure, it’d be nice, but I’m doing just fine out here.”
Vivian looked incredibly nervous, staring at the soup in her lap and nodding silently.
She wanted to do right by Ida. My heart ached.
I cleared my throat to summon my most respectful, earnest tone.
“I have a place in Drifael that will need somebody to take care of it. Would you be open to doing that for me? And, of course, then Vivian would have someone to stay with when she visits town. It’d be safer for her. ”
“You have a place in Drifael?” Ida quirked a wiry brow at me.
“I travel a lot.” I dodged the question.
Ida leaned back, her green eyes scouring me. Vivian seemed to be using her bowl as an excuse to cover her anxious expression.
“And should you need to sell said place in Drifael?”
“Then you can stay with me and Nurghle,” Vivian cut in. “The cabin should be functional by then.”
“And when would this be happening?” Ida was clearly not buying my story, but did me the decency of playing along.
“I’d like someone over there by winter at the latest,” I said. “The cold can take a toll on a unit. I’m sorry for the short-notice request.”
Ida hummed and looked at the ceiling. “Alright, on one condition.”
“Name your price.”
“I don’t freeload. Once I get to selling my wares again, I’ll be chipping in for my part including back pay.”
“Of course, that’s very generous of you.” I nodded.
“Speaking of my part,” Ida turned to Vivian. “Your dyed dress is ready. Take a look and let me know if you like the color. Oh, and give me your necklace, crystal, and wire. I’ll get everything secured together before you leave.”
“Thank you so much,” Vivian said, relief in her tone as she untied her choker.
“And Theo, if you’re going to be in these woods you should be protected too. I’ve found an old chain I’d like you to try on. I suspect it will be large enough for that neck of yours.”
I’d never been much of a jewelry male, but wasn’t so macho as to decline. “That’s very thoughtful of you.”