Chapter 18 GABE
GABE
The gym is quieter than I expected when we arrive. Relief hits me hard, followed immediately by guilt. I shouldn’t be relieved that my brother’s new business is quiet. I hate that I still panic about crowded rooms, hate that it can ruin something as simple as walking into a gym.
Ciarán starts moving toward the other side of the gym. “Where are you going?” I ask him. I can hear the trepidation in my own voice, as if something terrible will happen if he’s on the other side of the room. I know how ridiculous I’m being. I hoped I could come alone, but I feel shaky today.
When I called and asked him to come to Anchor Strength with me, his response was, “Of course.” No questions, never any judgment about the fact that I couldn’t just come alone like a normal person.
On days like this, I feel like I don’t deserve him.
I’m trying my best to battle the intrusive thought; it’s tough, though.
He and Abbie blew up the group chat this morning, demanding I come to Split Pea for lunch since “I survived Kindle’s Boozy Brunch,” and now they’ve decided I’m a social creature.
The urge to say no had been strong. But they’re right, I did enjoy brunch.
And I want to keep trying. I want to get back out there, even if my stomach churns with anxiety at the thought.
And, selfishly, I’m here to ask Noah and Aiden to come, too. Being surrounded by people I trust makes everything easier.
“I’m going to read the new schedule and check out that mountain of a man trainer,” he calls over his shoulder with a smirk.
I laugh weakly as he strolls toward Zeke.
A few people are scattered around the machines, the steady clink of weights and sound of treadmills filling the air. I head toward the office, then stop dead.
Noah.
He’s at the free weights, standing in front of the mirror with a massive dumbbell in each hand.
His tank is loose enough at the sides to flash the curve of his chest and the tight line of his ribs when he moves.
His shorts ride low on his hips, a backward cap hiding most of his hair except for the damp curls sticking to the nape of his neck.
I watch as he brings the weight up in a slow, controlled motion. All power and strength. His bicep tightens, forearm flexing, veins pushing against skin slick with sweat. My eyes track a bead of it as it slides from his temple, down his jaw, and disappears into the hollow of his collarbone.
I lick my lips, but my mouth is dry.
I don’t even like muscles. At least, I didn’t think I did. But right now, watching him, my eyes won’t move. Those forearms, the veins lining his hands, when did muscles become so sexy?
And I’m standing here, gaping like some idiot who’s never seen a man work out before. But nobody has ever looked as good as Noah working out, I’m sure of it.
A throat clears at my side.
I jump, and whip around to see Aiden leaning against the wall. His arms are crossed, grin wide and merciless.
“Why,” he starts slowly, “are you doing a fish impression while staring at my best friend?”
Heat rushes up my neck. “I wasn’t—”
“You weren’t staring?” He cocks a brow, eyes flicking deliberately toward Noah, who’s still mid-set. “Because I could’ve sworn I saw drool.”
“Aiden.” I glare, but it has no impact on him.
“What? I’m just concerned about my brother. Should I get you a towel? Maybe one of Rose’s bibs?”
“I hate you,” I mutter. The heat is creeping into the tips of my ears now.
“No, you don’t.” He nods toward Noah, still unaware of our conversation, thankfully. “Your jaw was basically on the floor. Thought you were taking notes, you were concentrating so hard. Is there a test coming up?”
“Is it too late to put you up for adoption?” I say in a flat tone, and he laughs.
Aiden looks at me, searching my face. “So, you like Noah, then?”
“What? I didn’t… I don’t…” I sputter.
“Gabe. You’re so obvious,” Aiden states before I can continue embarrassing myself. His eyes soften as he holds my gaze. “He’s one of the best people I know. He’d always treat you right, take care of you.”
He’s one of the best people I know, too.
But that doesn’t mean he’s interested in me.
The thought of Noah taking care of me makes me feel overwhelmed with yearning, I want that.
Aiden glances at Noah, then back at me, a crease forming between his brows as he nods his head like he’s settling on something.
“Aiden—”
And then, because the universe hates me, Noah racks the weights and heads our way, tugging his cap off. His grin is easy, a little breathless from the workout.
“Hey,” he says, looking between us. “What’s up?”
“Nothing,” I blurt.
“Gabe was admiring your form,” Aiden says at the same time.
I nearly choke. “He means your—your workout form. Technique. Very… technical.”
Oh my god. Did I actually just say that?
Noah chuckles, dragging a towel over his damp hair. “Thanks? Glad to know my technique passes inspection.”
“And a rigorous inspection it was,” Aiden mutters low enough that only I hear him. My ears are practically boiling.
I jab him with my elbow hard enough he stumbles. Noah just grins, tucking his cap back on like he hasn’t reduced me to a puddle.
“Well, I’m always glad to see my favorite Shaw,” he says with a crooked grin. Aiden scoffs while I try to keep from blushing more, if that’s even possible. My stomach flutters at that comment. I know he’s just joking, I’ll never be his favorite, but I like the sound of it.
“You here to see Aiden, or just checking the place out?”
“Seeing if you guys wanted to come to lunch. Apparently, now that they’ve got me out once, it’s going to be a regular thing.” I speak quickly, shifting awkwardly.
Noah aims that grin at me, and it makes me want to squirm. “I’d love to. I just want to finish out my set. Stick around. I was about to rope Aiden into spotting me.” He tosses the towel onto the bench. “Could use the entertainment.”
Aiden claps me on the shoulder lightly. I saw it coming, but I still jolt a little. “Hear that? Free show. Might as well grab some popcorn.”
I scowl at him, but he only smirks, the picture of smug brother satisfaction. That, in turn, makes me laugh. We haven’t had enough of this brotherly banter over the last year, I’ve missed it.
Noah steps back toward the weights, muscles shifting under his skin. He catches my eye in the mirror and winks, and my throat goes dry all over again.
I guess I could stay a bit longer. Ciarán will find me… eventually.
Split Pea smells like warm bread and something spiced when we step inside.
It’s been so long since I’ve come here, but the familiarity of it makes my shoulders drop before I even sit down.
It’s small but bright, with mismatched chairs, pale green walls, and ceiling-hung plants that soak in the sunlight.
Sonya waves us in with a dish towel in one hand and a soft smile. She hasn’t changed. My chest aches when I think about how much I’ve missed out on by hiding away.
Abbie and Theo are already at the back table, bent toward each other, laughing at something on her phone.
“You made it,” Abbie says as soon as she sees me, her face lighting up.
“Barely,” I say, taking my jacket off.
“Oh, don’t be dramatic,” Ciarán drawls as he drops down beside them. “It’s lunch, not an execution.”
“I’m proud of you,” Abbie says over him, ignoring his snark. “Multiple outings in a few weeks. That’s amazing.”
A part of me hates that she brought up that fact, but I can’t help the smile tugging at my mouth, hearing her say she’s proud of me. I feel a little proud of myself.
Noah pulls out the chair beside the one he claimed. “Saved you a seat, right beside me,” he says with a wink.
I sit and try not to notice how his knee brushes mine under the table, or how much I liked that wink. Has he been giving me more of them lately?
Sonya appears then with menus tucked under one arm. “Lentil soup is the special today,” she says. “You all look like you could use a good meal.”
“Definitely. We’re trying to keep Gabe well-fed,” Ciarán says solemnly. “His idea of lunch is tea and a cookie.”
“Oh my god, I’m right here,” I mutter.
“I know, it’s wonderful,” he says with a flash of a grin I can’t help but return, and the sheer fact he’s pleased that I’m here warms me.
Theo snorts quietly into his coffee.
“You’re encouraging him,” I tell Theo.
“Someone should,” Theo says, which makes Ciarán beam.
Abbie leans forward, chin propped on her hand. “Speaking of encouraging, how’s the online shop coming along?”
I grimace. “Pending.”
I am working on it, it’s just going slowly. It’s not something I’m naturally skilled at, but I have Noah helping me.
“Pending is good, it’ll get there,” Ciarán says, matter-of-factly. “Wild Fern Library is looking to organize more queer events in town, you should contact them. Very much your scene.”
“It used to be,” I say softly.
“It still is,” he counters, and there’s no teasing in it.
The words are a pressure and a valve at once. It always was my scene. I want it to be mine again. It could be, I survived the last event.
Abbie chimes in, looking sheepish. “And surprise… we set up a new social media page for the store. You need presence if you want to expand. Ciarán’s got a reel ready to post if you’re okay with it?”
My stomach flips. “You what?”
“Just a quick pan of the storefront. Very trendy and marketable. That little book version of Willowrun is adorable.”
I bury my face in my hands, groaning. “I’m overwhelmed.”
“But grateful?” Ciarán asks sweetly.
I peek between my fingers. “Unfortunately,” I groan. “You two are really laying it on thick today.”
They mean well, I know they’ve done it because I told them I wanted to do more events. And the store does need more reach. But change is hard for me. Exposure is harder. Still, I think I’d regret not taking these opportunities, and I have enough regrets in my life.
“Yes, okay, do it.”