Chapter 44 NOAH #2
I want a life with him. I want his trust, his laughter, his warmth pressed against mine. But more than that, I want him to be okay. And he’s not.
I lean down and press my lips to his temple, the way I have with every other part of him.
“I’m so glad you’re home,” I whisper against his skin.
He doesn’t stir, his body giving in to the exhaustion. I stay there, by his side, where I always want to be, watching the proof of him—the rise of his chest, the small breaths he exhales.
I crawl into the bed behind him, placing my arm over his waist. I thought he was asleep, but he links his fingers with mine. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. I tighten my arms around him until there’s no space between us. “I shouldn’t have left you, I’m so sorry.” His voice breaks on the last word.
I press a kiss to his damp hair. “Shh, it’s okay, baby. Everything is okay,” I say, trying to soothe him, but it doesn’t soothe all the worry I’m carrying. None of this is okay.
He only confirms my fears when he responds with a choked out, “It’s not okay. I’m not okay.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to compose myself in the face of his confession. I need to be strong for him. “What happened, Gabe?”
He quivers in my hold, the room is dark with the curtains closed, but I can see the faint outline of his free hand clenching into a fist.
“Kyle came to the store yesterday.”
My vision goes red. My hand spasms where our fingers are linked, but Gabe squeezes them gently until they relax. I smooth my thumb over the back of his hand, tracing the faint ridge of a vein I know by heart now.
“Okay,” I say quietly. My voice sounds like I’ve swallowed gravel. “Okay, baby. He came to the store.” My heart is hammering. There’s a dull pain in my jaw from how hard I’m clenching it.
“Did he…” I swallow roughly and try again. “Did he hurt you?”
His breath catches. “No.” He takes a fortifying breath before continuing. “He came to… apologize,” Gabe says, and the word sounds like it tastes bad in his mouth. “Said he’s stopped drinking. Went to therapy. That he regrets everything.”
My jaws locked so tight I could crack a tooth.
Apologize. That’s what we’re calling it? Walking into Gabe’s safe place and detonating a bomb? I breathe through all the anger I’m feeling; those emotions don’t belong anywhere near Gabe.
“Alright,” I say, because I can’t say that I want to kill his piece of shit ex. “What happened after he left, baby?”
The silence stretches. I can feel him thinking, maybe about not telling me or maybe lying to me.
“I’m not…” He swallows. “I’m not okay, Noah.”
“I know, baby,” I whisper. “And you don’t have to be. But… you can tell me anything you want. I’m right here.”
He turns in my arms until he’s facing me. His face is blotchy, his eyes red and swollen.
“I went for a run,” he starts. “I thought if I just… got out, if I cleared my head, everything would be okay.”
His fingers curl into my shirt. His nails dig into my chest, and I hardly register the sting over the pain in my heart. I bring my hand to his hip and rub small circles.
“I started running,” Gabe continues, staring somewhere over my shoulder like he’s reliving it. “I didn’t even know where I was going.” He makes a broken noise in his throat. “Didn’t take my phone. I just… ran.”
“The lake.” My voice comes out as a rasp. I clear my throat. “You ran to the lake.”
He gives a tiny jerk of his chin.
“I couldn’t breathe,” he says. “Everything felt wrong. My head was so loud. It was like I was back there, like I could feel his hands on me, his voice in my ear. I couldn’t stop it.”
My fingers pause on his hip.
“I just… it was silent there,” Gabe whispers. “The water was so quiet. I thought if I just went in, it would shut everything up.”
Terror spears through me, and for a second, it’s like I’m outside my body.
No air, no words, just the brutal, savage knowledge that I could have lost him.
The future I’ve been building around him glitches, all those assumed moments flickering like a film about to burn, frames blistering and turning to ash mid-scene.
“Gabe.” His name comes out cracked. “Did you—”
He nods miserably, eyes shining, chin trembling. “I just wanted my thoughts to stop. It was too much, Noah.”
He breaks off, a harsh sob ripping out of him. I drag him against me, hand cradling the back of his head. My own eyes burn, thinking of Gabe out there alone, struggling so much he thought about hurting himself that way.
“Okay, it’s okay,” I murmur, even though none of this is okay. Tears are streaming down my face. “You’re here. You’re here with me. You’re safe.”
“I panicked,” he weeps into my chest. “I don’t want that. I don’t!”
“Baby.” I pull back to frame his face in my hands. “I’m sorry you felt that way. I’m so sorry you were alone. I should have been there for you.”
He shakes his head vehemently. “No. You have nothing to be sorry for.” He wipes the tears from his cheeks angrily. “It’s not your fault that I’m like this.”
I’m sinking, and I don’t know what to do. All I know is I can’t let something like this happen again. I can’t lose him. I didn’t see this coming, and it makes me feel like a fool. I thought things were getting better. I thought he was doing better.
“We should go to the hospital, make sure you’re okay.” I start to move away, ready to bring him, but he clings to me.
“My body’s fine, Noah,” he whispers. His body is fine. His mind is not.
“Gabe,” I start, but he cuts me off.
“Please don’t make me go.”
I sag against him. As worried as I am, I’d never make him do anything he didn’t want.
“Blue,” he says, with barely a breath, “I’m so tired of being like this…I—” He looks into my eyes, searching deeply as tears flow. “I need help.”
I nod as I scrub a hand over my mouth and expel all the air from my lungs.
He sniffles loudly as he watches me, his next words, hushed and terrified, pierce my heart. “Do you hate me now?”
The urge to tell him I love him, I’ve loved him for so long it hurts, is beyond anything I’ve ever felt. But it’s not the time for that.
“Never,” I tell him vehemently. The truth spills out, shattered and fearful. “But… I’m scared, Gabe. I am so fucking scared. I almost lost you, and I didn’t even know you were in danger.”
More tears slip down his cheek. I catch them with my thumb, wishing more than ever that Gabe could find peace.
“I need you to promise me something,” I begin, waiting for him to nod before continuing. “If you ever feel like that again? Come to me. Or Aiden. Or Ciarán, Abbie—someone. You don’t fight this alone anymore. We’re family, and we take care of each other. Do you hear me?”
It’s the firmest I’ve ever been with him, but the thought of him choosing the darkness over my arms terrifies me, because losing him wouldn’t just be losing the man I love—it would be carving out the other half of me. I wouldn’t survive it.
He nods, throat working. “Okay.”
“Say it,” I beg. “Please.”
“If it gets bad again,” he whispers, “I’ll find you, Noah.”
His face finds the crook of my neck, fingers digging into my back as a desperate whisper falls onto my skin. “Don’t let go.”
“Never.”
I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I need you.
He’s home. That’s all that matters.
Home, and mine to care for.
Mine to love, no matter what.